To roll my eyes at ‘desperate for a third child’

[Firstdatesboxsets]

I’m on a doctors fb group and it’s so frustrating sometimes in many ways.

Someone is now apparantly desperate for a third child. I cannot understand the self indulgence of posting this amoungst others who are desperate for their first. AIBU to this this is so completely and totally insensitive. I would love a third for many reasons but won’t, and I just cannot understand how someone who has two healthy children could think it’s ok to post about their disappointment about struggling to have number 3 when some are struggling to even have one.

Navi I’m so sorry for your loss. I had my twins in very similar circumstances and completely understand the sense of loss of losing those first few months, and of having such a different experience to most parents. It’s hard to describe really.

I’m so sorry that you went on to suffer such a traumatic loss of your beautiful boy. Life is just so cruel, it breaks my heart you had to go through that after everything else. Sending to you.

OP hrth.
You just can't equate people's choices nor grief so simply.
You should maybe have more empathy for each individual case.

I've never understood the desperate for one child so long as it's biologically ours and the wife carries it.

YANBU to feel upset and I get why you would feel this way. (My dd was and ivf baby - 3rd time success - and it was a struggle. The pregnancy was difficult and I’ve been left chronically ill and disabled.) YABU to think people should not have these feelings or cannot post about their feelings, because by the sound of it, it’s not an infertility forum for childless doctors.

As for people saying, you shouldn’t post about it on here, I do hope the woman on the forum doesn’t see this. However, I think it’s better to complain on another forum than state your feelings on over there. Next time, perhaps you could be a little less specific as to where you saw the post op. Sorry you’re struggling.

Navi

They aren't all going to have a first. People are still mums if there first born tragically died. If a baby is tragically stillborn who are we to say that his or her mother isn't a Mum?

to all those who have had losses.

I conceived pretty quickly. However I do not get those whowant3. Especially those who can’t afford it and don’t have the right conditions to bring them up in. I think people like that are careless and don’t think about the future.
That aside, it is a choice. We’d rather have a better lifestyle and less stress tbh.

I agree with you OP.

YANBU

I’ve been through pregnacy loss, infertility and ivf. What I realised is that everyone has their own little worries. It’s not a competition. You don’t know how she feels.

@foxes
I was the 'desperately wanted' third child. Except I wasn't because it turned out they wanted a boy to 'complete the family of 2 girls'. So after me, they had a fourth, who turned out to be their 'longed for' boy. Then they had another so that their son had a brother. God knows what would have happened if baby 5 had been another surplus girl? I grew up to be the invisible girl, not really wanted, a bit of a disappointment really. That's such a shit feeling.

Every full-term pregnancy, for me, was preceded by miscarriages. Miscarriages no. 4, 5 and 6 came between my second and third children. It was a very difficult time, and yes, it did involve grief. I was acutely aware throughout how lucky I was to have children at all, but the exhortations to 'be grateful for what you have', which amounted to demands not to make others uncomfortable by showing or even confessing to any grief or upset, did get wearing.

OP, you say you'd love a third but won't have one - are you perhaps projecting your own unre4solved feelings around that, which for whatever reason you don't feel are quite acceptable, onto people who are comfortable with discussing their feelings in this regard?

I’d be worried about their other children seeing it now or in the future if it’s on social media. They may wonder why they weren’t enough?

I’d be worried about their other children seeing it now or in the future if it’s on social media.

It’s a private group. How would they find it?

It's pretty shit to be pulling something from a FB group and posting it on MN.

Not being able to become a mother is, of course, completely different to not being able to have a second/third/ fourth. But we all feel our own pain much more acutely than other people. Otherwise fertility forums would be full of people saying "I'm struggling to conceive but at least I'm not starving/dying of Corona virus/ under siege by Boko Haram.

That said, I wouldn't post about my desperate longing for a third on a board for primary infertility.

Every full-term pregnancy, for me, was preceded by miscarriages. Miscarriages no. 4, 5 and 6 came between my second and third children. It was a very difficult time, and yes, it did involve grief. I was acutely aware throughout how lucky I was to have children at all, but the exhortations to 'be grateful for what you have', which amounted to demands not to make others uncomfortable by showing or even confessing to any grief or upset, did get wearing.

But surely showing your grief in a safe space for people are actively trying and failing to conceive their first child is selfish and unreasonable. It took me 10 years to conceive my DC. I will try for DC2 soon and have a time limit of 1 year (if it doesn’t happen within this time it won’t ever happen). Despite the grief I already feel about this I would never shit my emotions all over a group designed for primary infertility.

But surely showing your grief in a safe space for people are actively trying and failing to conceive their first child is selfish and unreasonable.

There’s no evidence that this was what that group was.

There was a great post earlier in the thread saying to save the outrage on behalf of people suffering from primary infertility for those actually in that position.

I would have no issue with this poster asking for support and sympathy for their situation. It’s different to mine but still very difficult to go through.

But surely showing your grief in a safe space for people are actively trying and failing to conceive their first child is selfish and unreasonable. It took me 10 years to conceive my DC. I will try for DC2 soon and have a time limit of 1 year (if it doesn’t happen within this time it won’t ever happen). Despite the grief I already feel about this I would never shit my emotions all over a group designed for primary infertility.

Have you read the full thread? I’m a member of the same FB group - it’s not an infertility group, which has already been pointed out. It’s a group for doctor mums. (and also supposedly a private group for members to post and receive/give support).

What sort of group is it? If it’s related to infertility then her posts are staggeringly insensitive.

Oh, I think I x posted

As above - it’s a group specifically for doctors who are mums. So absolutely not a group about primary infertility.

In this situation the childless person would dearly love to be in the position of having two or even just one already. But the person with two children who's hoping for a third would not want to swap places with the childless one in a million years.

Now I’ve cross posted too!

YANBU. I do think it's ridiculous. Of course you might be disappointed but it's not in any way similar to someone who couldn't have a child at all. Surely they realised they might not get the exact family they wanted - you could have 5 kids all boys and no girls, everyone knows this.

I think it's bad form to put exactly where it originated from. Yabu, her feelings are her feelings, it's not a competition.

I am so sorry for those on this thread who have had losses