Pre-empting no gift tomorrow.

[Orgasmrendition]

Every year I buy my 'D'H birthday presents, christmas presents, fathers day present, valentines present. Something specific for him that I have actually put some thought into.

Every year I get nothing in return and promise myself that next year he can have bugger all as well. On occasion he feels bad and I get a late gift of something grabbed off a shelf with no thought put into it.

We have spoken about it, how I'm not asking him to spend hundreds on me, but just a small, thoughtful gift would be nice, to feel appreciated. Doesn't even have to be a gift, I'd be happy with him doing the housework and giving me a night off from cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

Yet, its 13th February and I have bought him something. Not much because things are tight but a card and a box of his favourite chocolate (which I don't like and he knows so it's a gift purely for him and ones that we cant afford to buy often)

Would I be unreasonable to give him until tomorrow evening (because every occasion I still have that little bit of hope) and then unwrap each and every chocolate, throw it away, and just give him the empty box of wrappers??

He really doesn't care does he ? no gift for your birthday or for Christmas, even though you get him something nice every time ?

You have set the bar way too low, for far too long OP.

Why should he bother ? what happens when he doesn't bother ? Nothing happens, you just keep buying him gifts in the hope that he will turn into the sort of person you are, but he isn't like you and no end of gifts will make him like you.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that he seems to regard it as purely your job to make dinner and wash the dishes (presumably he eats the dinner too!), and that for him to do it occasionally would be seen as a very special favour from him, than about what gifts he does or doesn't give you for a specific day. It is worrying and annoying that he doesn't take your wishes seriously; but it's his apparently treating you like a servant every day that seems to me to be the biggest problem. Does he do other things for you?

We do homemade cards for valentines, and this will be our 30th one! I doubt I'll get flowers, as I got a fantastic big bunch of daffodils at the weekend. We'll cook (well I will, because he won't get in till later) a nice meal, (we have some nice fish I must take out of the freezer!!) and just spend some time together, no lifts for dc this weekend as ds passed his test this week!!

Dd2 is going to be at her boyfriends all evening and ds is taking his usual bah, humbug approach!

Why don’t you just buy yourself a present instead, or a treat.
It’s what I’ve done.
Occasionally at Christmas, it’s embarrassing if he does buy me gifts 😇😇
Think seriously if you’d be better without him.
If you want to be with him, buy yourself something.
And stop buying him anything .

It's about the words in the card for me.Dh isnt one to say lovey dovey things,neither of us are actually but on valentines day,birthday and anniversary he writes lovely things in the cards.I love it.

Do adults who have been in relationships for a long time still exchange valentines?

Yes.

Of course some couples that have been together a long time still celebrate Valentines.

Me and DH have been married 40 years and we always celebrate it in some way - a card, maybe a small gift such as a book, a cd, a dvd, bunch of flowers (not everywhere puts their prices up). Sometimes we go away for the night, sometimes we go for a meal, sometimes we get a takeaway and sometimes we cook a nice meal.

My parents have been married 67 years and they still celebrate, my sister 39 years and they still celebrate.

We also make quite a big deal of our birthdays, the day we met, our wedding anniversary, Christmas. Oh and we show love and affection throughout the year.

It's not a matter of being told when to be romantic as some bores insist. We are romantic throughout the year, buying little presents, going away, going for a nice meal etc.

Some people don't celebrate it and that's fine but for goodness sake stop being nasty to those that do

I am jealous of all you lovely ladies with wonderful partners ! You deserve to be spoilt.
Xxxxx xxx no bitterness here 😍

Valentines Day is a load of shit. I’m not buying DH anything, I don’t expect he will get me anything either and that’s fine. Christmas and birthdays are far more important though so for him to always skip those is a bit shameful really. I’d stop putting the effort in, just get him a shitty present too.

I hadn't even registered it was Valentine's Day tomorrow. I only had the date registered as the deadline for reading some grant applications. What a romantic I am. Won't be buying anything, though, as think it's commercial shite. I'd be pissed off about no Christmas or birthday gifts, though. Don't throw the chocolates away, OP. That should be a criminal offence. Give them to the food bank or something.

So he doesn't do anything in the house, he doesn't even buy you birthday or christmas presents? The longer you allow him to treat you like shit, the longer he will treat you like it! Why did you marry him? Did you think he was going to change, or did he used to be more thoughtful?

Don’t understand the ‘made up’ thing.

All celebrations are made up. Birthdays. Christmas. Graduation. Weddings. All of them. Made. Up.

It’s pretty self-absorbed to be told something that is not difficult to do is important to your spouse and then repeatedly ‘forget’ to do it.

All these men with such poor memories must have a hell of a time holding down a job.

Married 48 years! We always exchange cards, and DH knows the way to the florist for anniversaries

We married young and were really broke, but always exchanged cards even if they were home made.

TBH he does panic a bit over what to buy me for birthday or Christmas, which is where a wish list is useful! But he worries about WHAT to get me, not IF he should buy it at all.

@OrgasmRendition I think you made a mistake linking this post to Valentines Day. That just encourages people to go off on one about it being a commercial invention; or brag about how much they celebrate after 67 years together; or ignore everyone else while they get sidetracked into vaguely related spats.

He doesn't bother with your birthday or Christmas either? That is pretty shitty.

But the worse thing and the one that leapt out at me from your OP was Doesn't even have to be a gift, I'd be happy with him doing the housework and giving me a night off from cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

WTF. You would regard him doing his fair share around the house as equivalent to a gift? Come on OP. You know this isn't right don't you? You are both meant to be adults so why are you doing all the adulting? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He expects you to run after him hand and foot and he can't even be arsed to remember your birthday.

I don’t understand why you’re making the effort when he is not going to magically change and do the same for you. You’re just setting yourself up for more hurt. Stop bothering. Don’t give him the chocolates. Just stop.

Stop. Presents are a form of control.

Hi @Orgasmrendition ,

YANBU

I know how you feel. I wrote a thread about a month ago about how unappreciated and undervalued I felt after DH had not bought me a present for my 40th birthday. Particularly following a very rough few months when I was off sick from work and at a low ebb. He bought me lunch (takeaway, which is fine by me) and a card so not quite the same but I know the feelings you have expressed. I too never expect anything extravagant just a little token to show that he has put some thought in. I always get him some thoughtful gifts on birthdays.
My DH is a good man but he can be insensitive at times and too focussed on other things. Forgetting that our marriage also needs attention.

I don't mean to rattle on about myself, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and let you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

As some others have suggested this is more than just Valentine's day, this is just one example of what happens on every occasion that means something to you.

I agree with @ravenmum 's point :-

"What's the difference between buying into birthdays or Christmas (as an atheist!) and buying into Valentine's Day? These are alll traditions that people have come up with".

It sounds like your DH doesn't contribute to the housework and is happy for you to spend your time looking after him without showing you much thought.
I would suggest you think about whether you want to continue in this marriage if you are not happy with your DH in general. Maybe think about marriage counselling first to see if things could be worked on. Hopefully this would help your DH to wake up and realise he might lose you if he doesn't change.

I wish you good luck going forward and please buy yourself some chocolates, ones only you like! 🍫🍬 xx

"Presents are a form of control".Day drinking and posting?

Practise self love- send yourself the card. Keep the chocolates until his birthday.

I don't drink out get petulant about presents.

My DH and I have been together 16 yrs this May and we still exchange cards but we don't do gifts because it is a gimmick. We feel it's nice to take the opportunity to write down a heartfelt message to each as being a slave to parenthood means we don't always get the chance to say something other than "what do you fancy for dinner" or "have you changed DD bum"... etc

I will be surprised if we get to 15 years at the moment!

@Orgasmrendition - this clearly isn't about the lack of gifts, be it for Valentine's or birthdays or whatever. It's probably also about much more than him not helping with housework.

Can you tell us what's really going on? Though you'd want to start a new thread...

@Orgasmrendition

And post in Relationships rather than AIBU

@FoamingAtTheUterus I love the idea of turning Valentines Day into a joke