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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pre-empting no gift tomorrow.

137 replies

Orgasmrendition · 13/02/2020 19:13

Every year I buy my 'D'H birthday presents, christmas presents, fathers day present, valentines present. Something specific for him that I have actually put some thought into.

Every year I get nothing in return and promise myself that next year he can have bugger all as well. On occasion he feels bad and I get a late gift of something grabbed off a shelf with no thought put into it.

We have spoken about it, how I'm not asking him to spend hundreds on me, but just a small, thoughtful gift would be nice, to feel appreciated. Doesn't even have to be a gift, I'd be happy with him doing the housework and giving me a night off from cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

Yet, its 13th February and I have bought him something. Not much because things are tight but a card and a box of his favourite chocolate (which I don't like and he knows so it's a gift purely for him and ones that we cant afford to buy often)

Would I be unreasonable to give him until tomorrow evening (because every occasion I still have that little bit of hope) and then unwrap each and every chocolate, throw it away, and just give him the empty box of wrappers??

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 20:04

..Posted too soon.

I meant to add, that OP, if you feel unappreciated most of the time, then these occasions like Valentine's day are going to make you feel even more shit. Because all the advertising brings it into focus that you are unappreciated. Especially if you've previously spoken about it.

When he's saying he'll make more effort, he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words.

And the languages of love can sod off too. My ex didn't do cards, frequently didn't bother with gifts on my birthday, and sure as hell didn't make up for it in any other "language of love" because he didn't care.

unlikelytobe · 13/02/2020 20:05

What's the 'best before' date on the chocs? Is this a metaphor for your relationship?! Smile

MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 20:05

Callico Thank you.

ravenmum · 13/02/2020 20:08

@MulticolourMophead lovely 😭

ShirleyPhallus · 13/02/2020 20:08

@ MulticolourMophead I’m pregnant and rather hormonal atm and that brought a tear to me eye. Flowers for you and your lovely dad

Shinycat · 13/02/2020 20:10

@Dylaninthemovies1

Do adults who have been in relationships for a long time still exchange valentines?

What a bloody stupid question. Me and DH have been together 30 years, and we still celebrate it. Only spend a tenner on a gift for each other, (and a card obviously,) and we have a lovely roast meal in with a bottle of wine, followed by a cosy night on the couch together with one of our favourite films.

@SalmonOfKnowledge

I think Valentines Day is a load of shite. A box ticking exercise, arseholes who are crap husbands buy their wife a present on one day of the year like sheep and often that is instead of just being nice EVERY DAY.

WOW! You sound SO BITTER! And projecting much eh? Wink Just because a man buys his wife/partner a card and a nice gift for Valentine's Day, that means he is a shit partner the rest of the year? Just coz YOU have a shit partner/have HAD a shit partner, don't tar them all with the same brush!!!

Some very bitter and angry women on here... projecting, a LOT. Just because YOUR MAN can't be arsed with it, don't take it out on others! Wink

lyingwanker · 13/02/2020 20:14

My DH never gets me anything for occasions either so after receiving nothing for Mother's Day I returned the favour. He didn't even get a card and was quite upset about it. I just said "oh well, I didn't think you were fussed about things like this seeing as you never get me anything" and walked off. I had a much better birthday and Christmas gift last year after that!

Berrymuch · 13/02/2020 20:16

I won't get anything tomorrow, I also haven't bought anything. We have a nice handmade card from DS though.

Stuckupsnob · 13/02/2020 20:17

Share the box of chocolates with him and tell him what Valentine’s Day means to you, what you expect, and talk about your feelings. Hopefully he will pull his finger out next year.

My man is in the back room as I type, he’s getting something ready for me, I can tell. And I know he’s prepping a meal for tomorrow night Wink

SalmonOfKnowledge · 13/02/2020 20:19

@Shinycat WOW, not bitter, not single, but leap to conclusions because your predictability embarrasses you Smile

I'm allowed to not celebrate valentine's day. It is not romantic to go and do something predictable on a prescribed day of the year.

scoobyd2 · 13/02/2020 20:20

@MulticolourMophead Flowers for your dad - and you.

My lovely dad is terminally ill and its also left him disabled. Every year of their 52 year marriage they have exchanged Valentines cards - last year and this year I have gone out and bought a card for him to give to my mum, because it would break his heart to not have anything to give her, or to ask her to buy her own.

OP, hoping he surprises you tomorrow, but if not put the chocolates out in the rain, and treat yourself to something lovely for you.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 13/02/2020 20:22

@Shinycat

''Some very bitter and angry women on here... projecting, a LOT. Just because YOUR MAN can't be arsed with it, don't take it out on others! wink''

This is funny, you're such a sheep you cannot even fathom that there are people out there who don't need to be told what to do and on which day.

ravenmum · 13/02/2020 20:22

People my age don't usually celebrate Valentine's here in Germany, it wasn't a thing as they were growing up. My bf says he doesn't do Valentine's gifts as it is not his culture. So I buy him a rose or box of chocolates, as Valentine's IS something I grew up with, in my culture. Which kind of reveals the flaw to the "I don't believe in Valentine's Day" argument, when he (the one who doesn't care about it) is the only one who does get a gift Grin I know he does have a point, but I like to pull his leg a bit by following his argument to its logical conclusion! Also, it's always us women that get the flowers, so I like to turn it around a bit.

MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 20:22

It's been 3 years since I left the ex, and the DCs are trying to persuade me to date Confused I wouldn't mind finding some of what Mum and Dad had, someone who treated me as if they liked me, and not just as the household convenience.

So yes, I'd do cards for Valentine's day, but that wouldn't be the only day to show appreciation on.

AuditAngel · 13/02/2020 20:23

We don’t normally do much for Valentine’s Day. DH has to work (service industry). I haven’t bought him anything, but he has bought me a very expensive bottle of perfume. He flew home from a 5 day break today with his cousin. I suspect the cousin was buying for his wife

But, I have very big news (promotion) That i will be telling him on Saturday when we are away for a few days

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 13/02/2020 20:23

I have a card for DP, but probably won’t get one from him. He will, however, cook dinner, and also get up with the cat on Saturday so I can have a lie in. If he didn’t bother with birthdays or Christmas I would be upset, but I am not particularly fussed about Valentine’s, and he’s a total grinch about it.

Skyejuly · 13/02/2020 20:24

I have not got anything for my hubby. Hope he doesn't give me a box of wrappers!

Shinycat · 13/02/2020 20:32

@SalmonOfKnowledge

Defensive much? Grin

And oh yes you ARE bitter. VERY bitter. Grin

Shinycat · 13/02/2020 20:33

@SalmonOfKnowledge

Boyfriend never buys you anything does he? Sad

Never mind eh? Better luck with the next one.

No need to be so spiteful and demeaning towards women who DO have partners who care though. Not a good look honey.

TheFuzzyStar · 13/02/2020 20:35

I would not be too bothered about Valentine’s Day. However nothing for my birthday would be upsetting.

Porkeypine · 13/02/2020 20:40

It’s an over commercialised day whereby shops sell us the idea of showing over loved ones with cards and gifts.... some people buy in to it.

Clearly you’re one of those people. You know your DH isn’t so why do you keep buying him and then getting pissed off when he doesn’t buy you back?

It’s a bit like your waiting on him to fail....

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2020 20:42

My dh was always awful with presents for birthdays christmas anniversaries Valentines, everything. Really shit. He either didnt bother or got something really crap. A week late.

So i started buying myself things i wanted and wrapping them and being delighted by them. Funnily enough dh also started putting more effort into gifts for me and ive had some really good ones since.

Op why are you doing all the housework and cooking every night?

Poohpooh · 13/02/2020 20:42

Don’t get him any presents again!

Butterfly84 · 13/02/2020 20:46

I'd be happy with him doing the housework and giving me a night off from cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

You lost me at this. Why are you doing the housework and dinner every day? Does he not do his share?

I think the problem is bigger than the Valentine's gift or lack of it.

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