How to get DH to understand

[frillseeking]

DH said he'd be home tonight in time for bed time but he messaged saying he was stuck in office and would be home later than planned as he'd had clients in. Kept messaging saying sorry won't be much longer but not answering the phone. Long story short he's still not home as turns out he went via the pub. Surprise surprise. DD1 has been ill this week and teething badly so hard work and hardly any sleep for me and I'm due next month with DC2 so I really rely on him for help in the evenings at the moment. I got upset on the phone and he's coming straight home but he's got form for this. When I make plans, I make them in advance and obviously let him know/ check he can get back from work etc so I feel it's massively unfair just to decide on the spur of the moment that you're off to the pub because it's not like I have a choice is it? I'm just stuck here waiting for him to come home. How can I eloquently explain this without getting upset/losing my rag?

I’d try to cool down and wait to discuss in the morning.

He is being an absolute dick though and you deserve to be treated better.

It's difficult to calm down because it's always been an issue in our relationship and so every time he does it I think here we go again and just feel really upset and angry. I'm also annoyed because he's made a big song and dance of not drinking prior to baby arriving in Feb or March and yet he's clearly pissed.

You shouldn't have to ask for help when you're tired and heavily pregnant. It goes unsaid.

And anyone who cared about you wouldn't need to be told.

I would have just lost my rag.

His reaction was calm down, I'll come home now but it's not the point. I don't want to be sitting there ringing him like a nag, he should just be home like he said. I was sat here expecting him home by 8 as he said and then I thought hmm wonder where he is and then he kept saying I won't be much longer then when he does eventually answer he says he got 'collared' and had to nip back to the pub. I just think at least own it ffs and tell the truth rather then have me sitting here like a mug saying you'll be leaving in a minute and rocking up three hours later!

Unbelievable selfishness. Why do you put up with this treatment?

Sympathies, OP. You sound strung out and exhausted. But surely there’s nothing for your DH to ‘understand’ that requires any eloquence? You’re exhausted and very pregnant, and he’s co-parent to a demanding young child he should be looking after in the evenings, unless previously agreed by both of you?

If this is a persistent problem and has always been an issue, why are you having another child with him? You aren’t expecting anyone to say his behaviour is fine, are you?

It's not ok that he gets to cast you as the unreasonable nag who needs to calm down. Parents of young DC dont get spontaneous pub trips, it's part and parcel of the stage. It doesn't sound like he understands or accepts that but clearly expects you too. Why is that ok?

enough I do ask myself the same question. Apart from this issue, we have a really good relationship and he's a brilliant father but it is a big issue. Its completely selfish and I always say I don't want a husband whose going to be amazing 95% of the time but a selfish shit 5% of the time. But clearly it's falling on deaf ears. He's always ridiculously apologetic afterwards and says I'm 100% right (yes I know that!) but what use is that? If you're sorry then you change your behaviour and don't do it again

*to

ballet no not at all. I guess I'm looking for a way of making the same point that I've made a million times over in a way that will finally get through but I know that's not going to happen

OP, he understands — how could he not? It’s a straightforward situation — he just doesn’t think you’re important enough to change his behaviour for.

Ugh. Another 'man' who isn't man enough to tell his colleagues / mates he is a good husband and father and needs to get home.. Because he'll get 'bantz' about being pussy whipped. YANBU op, but honestly, I'd try framing as I did above. That by failing to be his own man and doing what he wants, he's being weak. Then he either has to admit thats true and stop it, or admit actually he would rather be at the pub.

You have a good relationship because you facilitate him carrying on the way he always did whilst making sacrifices yourself! It doesn't sound like a partnership of equals!

When I was pg with dc2 my dh did absolutely everything with my toddler including sleeping on the floor beside his bed at night to try and make things as easy as possible for me when I was huge and uncomfortable and exhausted. Theres no circumstance on earth that would have led him to lie to me about his whereabouts so he could go out drinking after work. That isn't him being some kind of saint. It is baseline decent behaviour towards your heavily pg wife.

As an aside, what would happen if you went into labour tonight or had some kind of scare requiring a visit to triage?

You're completely right enough, I wouldn't be able to rely on him tonight that's for sure. He does do his fair share with DD1 and gets up with her and co sleeps with her and I go in the spare room if he doesn't have to be in early so no complaints there but then he ruins it and upsets me by going out drinking but he'll say I had to show my face as they're important clients, blah blah blah. He must've known they were in town today so why not say I might be home a bit late wednesday. I'd have no problem with that, it's just leaving me waiting around to cook dinner expecting him home saying he'll be home by a certain time then not answering the phone that obviously isn't on!

I'd leave a key in the locks OP and fuck off to bed.

Turning your phone off too. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Hugh has it spot on - "Another 'man' who isn't man enough to tell his colleagues / mates he is a good husband and father and needs to get home."

Tell him this.

I can't help but feel like that's a cop out though potter. Like saying he had to show his face because of closing a deal etc etc. A grown man knows what constitutes selfish behaviour or not. He's 37, not 27 and shouldn't be using the excuse of not being able to say no or being 'collared' as he put it.

DH has important clients in town this whole week, but even when he’s seen them for dinner, he’s come home for a couple of hours to see DS and help out with dinner, homework etc.

And he works in a famously macho, male-dominated industry, in which all senior men at his level appear to have SAHM wives or adult children, and in which CEOs don’t say ‘See you at eight, I need to pick up my seven year old’. But he does. Because he’s a decent human being. It shouldn’t be rare.

I would love to do that toria but I always think what if something happened to him. I know it wouldn't because he always manages to get himself home somehow but I would still worry. Maybe I should just fuck off out as soon as he gets home on Friday though, discuss what we're having for dinner, talk about doing bath and bed and then surprise! I decided spontaneously to go out.

There's nothing for you to get him to understand Op. He understands perfectly fine already, he's just choosing to ignore you on this, as it's his preference to prioritise his own wants over yours.
Or does he generally have difficulty understanding in other areas of his life? Perhaps in conversations with his boss/clients? Or is it just the issue of missing his child's bedtime in favour of hitting the pub he struggles with?

Absolutely unacceptable OP, from start to finish. How to get him to understand? Show him some real consequences. I'd be tempted to ask him to leave you alone for a while. Tell him HE needs time to think about his marriage and how much he values it, and for now you don't want to see him. And stick to it too. Make sure you have support and that your parents and In-laws are aware of the situation. He ought to be ashamed of himself stressing you out like this. No decent father and husband behaves this way it's not ok, don't let him minimize it and don't accept his worthless apologies. You deserve better. Makes my blood boil.