How to get DH to understand

[frillseeking]

DH said he'd be home tonight in time for bed time but he messaged saying he was stuck in office and would be home later than planned as he'd had clients in. Kept messaging saying sorry won't be much longer but not answering the phone. Long story short he's still not home as turns out he went via the pub. Surprise surprise. DD1 has been ill this week and teething badly so hard work and hardly any sleep for me and I'm due next month with DC2 so I really rely on him for help in the evenings at the moment. I got upset on the phone and he's coming straight home but he's got form for this. When I make plans, I make them in advance and obviously let him know/ check he can get back from work etc so I feel it's massively unfair just to decide on the spur of the moment that you're off to the pub because it's not like I have a choice is it? I'm just stuck here waiting for him to come home. How can I eloquently explain this without getting upset/losing my rag?

I would be fuming. Get a family diary (or diary app). If any kind of social event (including the pub) is not pre arranged and in the diary then it’s not allowed. He’s part of a parenting team, he needs to start acting like it.

honey to be honest I have done this before. Not over something like tonight but he has gone out on some major benders before and I've completely lost my shit and told his parents and told him to leave. They were absolutely useless and didn't really want to know or get involved and then behaved really dramatically and cancelled their holiday so then I felt bad!! His mum made excuses and said he's prone to stress, as if that justifies it. That behaviour has stopped but now he's taking the piss in another way. He's home now and saying he is completely in the wrong, he should've told the clients he had to get home, he's not pissed, hes annoyed he broke his no drinking and he'll get up in the night if needs be and he made the wrong call. To me that just minimises it as if to say silly me, I made the wrong decision but when someone repeats the same behaviour, saying sorry just becomes a very empty word and now it feels like it's pushing back on me just to say oh ok don't worry about it

My brother used to do this to my mother. He would stay out late, being a teenager and breaking all her rules. Whenever she managed to get him into a conversation he would tell her how she was in the right, how very sorry he was, how he completely saw her side, had been in the wrong to do xyz. He never meant a single word of it. It was lip service to what she wanted to hear, paid in order to be allowed to get on with his day. His behaviour never changed as a result of these talks.

I did all the same teenage things and but instead I argued the toss, tried to put my point of view across, tried to justify my (selfish!) decisions. Whose conversations do you think were over more quickly?

Aside from the inherent manipulation, it's one thing being disrespected by your teenagers but you should be able to expect better from your husband.

This is awful! I honestly think I’d LTB if it continued

Can you explain to him, that it is not the going to the pub. It is the lies
Tell him to grow up and just ask or tell you the truth.
Also remind him pubs sell lemonade.

Thank you for the support. I did post about this a while back and got a lot of people telling me I was in the wrong and people saying adults should be allowed to go out and it made me feel like I was over reacting and being out of order and controlling when I'm far from that. One thing I have said tonight which I've not said before is that he's lucky that DD is too young to understand at the moment but when she's older she'll start to question why daddy isn't home when he said he would be and that he can explain to her that he chose the pub over coming home to her. I didn't enjoy saying something like that but maybe that might make him think

Yep it’s the lies.

He should have said clients are in I will have to do a bit of socialising don’t bother cooking will aim for 9

He clearly was at the pub much earlier. It’s like a parent/child response

I'd say the bigger question is why he feels that he can't say change of plan he's off to the pub tonight. And I think that the reason is fairly obvious op - because of how you react and your past responses.

As you have said, he pulls his weight with the children. You have obviously opted to have a second when you already have a young child, yet you are relying on him to help after a full day, even when you knew it would be after 8.

Yes, you're pregnant but that shouldn't mean that he has to run to heel! How are you going to manage with 2 children?

Yes, it would have been nice for him to make plans and told you in advance, but tbh I imagine he didn't want the earache before, knowing he'd be getting it during and after from you! And I understand that from the comments here.

Now if they're clients, that's par for the course. You don't mind the paycheck!

By all means be a prima Donna and go out with no notice Friday. All that really shows is you missing the point that YOU and your reaction are why he doesn't inform you. Most relationships should be without this stress to manage a one off change!

Pay no attention to surrendered wife @SoloMummy, OP. Her role in life is not giving men ‘earache’ by suggesting they parent their own children.

@Samhradh
Op has already said that he already does his share with the kids.
It was one evening and look how op reacts! Excessively. She mentioned previously kicking off too. Who would bother being upfront with that track record for behaviour?!

The suggestion of getting a diary and only ‘allowing’ prearranged activities outside of the house made me ‘lol’.

I agree with you re the lying, not on and you’re struggling atm and have asked for him to support you so he should have come home.

However, once you’re feeling less vulnerable and in more of a routine if he wanted to go for a spontaneous drink after work would you be fine with that? I’d expect my husband to be fine with me doing that tbh.

He’s not ‘doing his share’ if he’s sloping off drinking on a regular basis when he’s needed at home.

I would actually agree with SoloMummy that what is going on here is he knew he was going out and he didnt tell you because he knew you would get upset. But that's pathetic on his part. If his job sometimes involves socialising with clients then he should be able to let you know when he needs to do that and then do so. But you should get equal time to relax and he should actually, you know, let you know instead of lying.

No that's not fair, he's making you into the unreasonable wife forcing him home when actually he's breaking arrangements with his pregnant wife and child. I'd have gone batshit

OP, if I were in your position I would be siphoning off money from joint cash to build up a break away fund. I would keep it very secret and start to collate information on all aspects of money such as shares, pensions etc.

Whilst this was happening I would call him on his shitty behaviour every fucking time. You need to get rid of the idea he is an amazing dad and husband 95% of the time too. He isn’t. He is a selfish idiot who doesn’t want to grow up.

When Peter Pan does this again do not chase after him. Get family or friends to help you out. No need to make a big fuss with him but do keep the key in the lock so he can’t get in. He needs to be inconvenienced every time. His actions don’t have any consequences - why on earth should he change his ways when there is no need to.

He treats you badly in this respect. It won’t improve unless he is made to face real consequences.

You said he does his fair share with the children but also that he has "form for this". So how often does he actually go out? Or is it less the frequency and more that he doesn't check with you in advance?

Solomummy has conveniently ignored the fact that the OP said that the problem wasn't about being late home, it was about saying he'd be home at a particular time when he had no intention of doing so.

'I'm going to be late home on Wednesday' is very different from 'I'm leaving the office in five minutes, I'll be home shortly' when actually he's just leaving the office to go to the pub.

SoloMummy - She mentioned previously kicking off too. Who would bother being upfront with that track record for behaviour?!

Which came first, the immature behaviour or the reaction?

No bad behaviour, no harpy waiting for you with a frying pan to whack you with on arrival at home. It's that simple.

Also simple is the notion that the person whom you have promised to love and honour deserves to be treated with respect, and not left like a mug cooking a dinner for you that you know you are not going to be home to eat, while taking care of your child, getting her fed and bathed and off to bed. All this while 36 weeks pg.

Maybe you believe in encouraging people to treat you like a doormat?

My late husband acted just like this when I was pregnant second time round.
He was always full of apologies when he came back and next day but he was just building up for the next time.
So I stepped back, turned my phone off and forced myself to stop caring.

He came back quite early and confused until I told him if he was going to act like a single man with no responsibilities then he can live like one.
He still went out but was more careful of my feelings.

mathanxiety
Which came first, the immature behaviour or the reaction?
Given her extreme reactions leading to the in-laws cancelling their plans, it suggests she reacts excessively regularly and sounds as she verges on being controlling.

The same re love and honour applies from her to him. Certainly no honouring on her part!

She's pregnant. Whoopee do. No different to the other 700000 women in the UK annually who seem to manage! Pregnancy doesn't give her a carte blanche to be so ott!

It was ONE EVENING! Get that into perspective. One night she's had to manage her own child alone.

This is why i only have one child. My exDH used to behave like this, foolishly i got pregnant and believed hom when he said he would change. He never changed - the lies, the drinking, the staying out all simply carried on. I knew i could look after one child by myself, but not more, so i made bloody sure i never fell pregnant again..

It was ONE EVENING! Get that into perspective. One night she's had to manage her own child alone.

No it wasn't. She says he has form for this and has done it before.

solo it's not just one evening, as I have explained when I said he has form for this. If he'd told me in advance or even said at 5pm I need to go and see the clients after work then fine but throughout the evening he was messaging me saying sorry I'm still stuck at work so effectively he was lying to me about where he was! Funny how you assume I'm happy to take the pay check and don't have my own money that I bring to the table, not that that should be relevant. What are you implying, that because he is the partner earning I should put up and shut up?? And o told his parents when the benders were getting out of control because he would break down to me afterwards and say he needed help and had a drink problem. That was far worse and more serious than what happened last night but it's still behaving badly. I have no issue with him going out, it's the way he goes about it and that it always causes me stress or upset which is completely unnecessary and unfair.

And also solo both of us felt pretty shit when the in-laws cancelled their holiday, which is why he never opens up to them or tells them anything because it seems like they just can't handle it. My family have been aware of past events because he's involved them in it so why should my family be aware of it and I have to lie to his and pretend things are ok? I reached out to his parents for help, not to punish him