How to get DH to understand

[frillseeking]

DH said he'd be home tonight in time for bed time but he messaged saying he was stuck in office and would be home later than planned as he'd had clients in. Kept messaging saying sorry won't be much longer but not answering the phone. Long story short he's still not home as turns out he went via the pub. Surprise surprise. DD1 has been ill this week and teething badly so hard work and hardly any sleep for me and I'm due next month with DC2 so I really rely on him for help in the evenings at the moment. I got upset on the phone and he's coming straight home but he's got form for this. When I make plans, I make them in advance and obviously let him know/ check he can get back from work etc so I feel it's massively unfair just to decide on the spur of the moment that you're off to the pub because it's not like I have a choice is it? I'm just stuck here waiting for him to come home. How can I eloquently explain this without getting upset/losing my rag?

Whilst you have my sympathy, the issue is that you are not understanding that he isn’t going to change for you. He isn’t the person you need or want.

I’m sorry but you are one who needs to step back and understand your own position and do something to change it. You can’t change him. There isn’t any advice people can give you on that. He is who he is. He knows what parenting and being a good husband mean. He isn’t either of these.

I'd get up before he goes to work and fuck off for the day, let him look after the kids.

See how he likes them apples.

When he goes nuts tell him 'calm down, I'm here now'.

It's not a problem with how you explain it, it's that he doesn't care btw.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Just in case.

He is not a good father.

He is a Disney dad.
Attentive when it suits him.
He does this because he can and you will always clean up his mess.

Stop. Please stop before you lose respect for yourself.

He doesn’t give a shit about your family when he is drinking, why should you care about him?

@frillseeking
Can you quantify has form? How many times since your child was born has he gone out on absolute benders? Not just drinks after work?

solo several times. I'm not talking about once or twice. Or a few drinks, I'm talking getting paralytic, losing hours of a night, ending up in bed for a few days afterwards, losing things. To the point he really restricts what he drinks now when socialising with friends or doesn't go because he obviously struggles to control his drinking. And I do not want work drinks to now replace that.

OP, he understands — how could he not? It’s a straightforward situation — he just doesn’t think you’re important enough to change his behaviour for.

This.

The lying for one thing would fuck me right off.

I would talk to him today and tell him that he can save his apologies because they are meaningless. He doesn't mean them, he has no intention of actually sticking to what he's saying he'll do, and that you know he'll do it again because he seems to find lying to you as easy as breathing.

The final point I'd make is to ask him to have a long hard think about what this will do to your marriage, when he keeps lying, apologising and then doing it all over again. Ask him what it will do his his relationship with his children when they become old enough to understand that Daddy lies all the time when he wants to go off drinking.

And when he comes in and agrees it's bad and he needs to change, tell him you aren't interested in his words - because they don't carry any weight any more. Ask him what he is planning to actually DO to address this.

The lying is the issue. He insists he didn't lie, he went to the pub then back to the office then got 'collared' on his way to the station and left everyone to it like he's been such a hero for dragging himself away but in his messages he kept saying still stuck at work won't be long, he didn't mention the pub until I spoke to him. He also drove home so that's not great either.

So turn it round and point out that his lying is so out of control that he is literally lying about telling lies!

Keep calm - this is about a factual discussion. E.g. I'm really disappointed as you can't even tell the truth about having lied to me. I know what you did and no amount of embellishment from you is going to change what I believe. I don't trust you because I know I cannot rely on anything you say to be true. You have a problem with drinking and lying - what are you going to do about it before it destroys your marriage?

He's alcohol dependent, minimising the problem to you and himself.

Al-anon might be a good support for you? X

Again all I can say is that you are not accepting who he is. From your description a liar with a drink problem. They go hand in hand. People can stop drinking themselves. But they cannot be stopped from drinking by others. No amount of patient sitting down with him and explaining it calmly will make any difference

You might as well post that your husband has blue eyes and you don’t like blue eyes. And then ask what you can do to change him.

There is a long-standing post in the relationship board about people stuck in unhappy marriages but unable to leave or don’t want to leave. I think you will find the support you want there.

Agree with the posters who say that your dh understands, he is just selfish and feels entitled to do what he wants

I agree with the pp that he's a liar, with a drink problem. This started before you were pregnant again. Stop just expecting better without frank discussions and if you want it to change then, it will have to be ultimatums on your part.

"I didn't enjoy saying something like that but maybe that might make him think"

What you did was emotionally abuse your child by letting her know what was happening. She will grow up with poor mental health and anxiety, if you start that. Your children didn't pick their father, you did and you choose to stay. So they need a level of protection.

Did his Parents cancelling their holiday happen before or during your pregnancy?

Re lying, he's an addict, of course he lies.

He messaged me just now and said he did work late and then went to the pub and had 3 beers. He should've told me and asked if it was ok but he's said he'd only go for a few before so many times and got home in the early hours and let me down that he didn't want to upset me. He said he knows he shouldn't have lied about it and that he did stay in control last night but knows he has to prove he can do that over a period of time

ponoka she's only one, you've misread my post

So he lied to you, had 3 pints and drove home? My ex had form for this and it's like living on a knife-edge. He would hit rock bottom, cry for forgiveness and keep off the booze......................until the next bender!!!
Every time he went out I would be bracing myself for disaster.

It killed our marriage.

Write out everything that is happening and how it has to change , he needs an ultimatum I wouldn't include his parents or yours , even if he tries . He's an adult with responsibilities and if he can't live up to them then you won't put up with it anymore .

I'm afraid you've married and alcoholic and everything that goes with it. Have a look at Alcoholics Anonymous they maybe able to offer you support. He's a functioning alcoholic so he can pull it off for a while and there will be a reason why his parents overreact to things it may be worth digging a little deeper there.

Please get some support you can't do anything about this because like all addicts he loves booze more than you or the children and it will always be his master

Re getting pregnant again, it took over 3 years and several ops and IVF to have DD1 so falling pregnant again was not something I expected or even thought was a possibility. Not that it makes much difference but this wasn't all going on and I thought ooh yes let's really try for another child

DH works ‘in the city’, I used to.

Client entertainment in the evening tends to be unusual unless they’ve flown in from somewhere or it’s a pre-booked event (in the calendar weeks/months before). Usually dinner, not in the pub. More often than not, lunch rather than dinner. Entertaining budgets have been slashed - even in the big banks.

So unless client entertaining in the pub is usual for your DH’s sector, then I call BS - and I’d want to see his receipts (to claim back the £).

He also said he is getting better at work life balance but knows it still needs improvement. I said that's BS, it's nothing to do with work life balance it's to do with you going out drinking and it causing massive issues in our marriage. If you were sober last night when you made the decision not to tell the truth and know it's out of order now you're sober today, then you knew it was out of order last night but decided to go ahead anyway so prioritised going for a drink before your family and how long do you think that's sustainable for before it wrecks our marriage for good. Because he 'stayed in control' last night I think he thinks he did 'well' but he still lied and he's made a big song and dance of not drinking at all so what was the point of that? I guess because he doesn't drink every day and does sometime control it I think oh he can't have an actual drink problem but if it causes problem in your marriage then it is a problem