Re dropping BIL off at work

[twelveminutespast]

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

HeadachesByTheDozen in fairness in the UK it costs an absolute fortune to learn to drive and take your tests. It’s not “unmasculine” to not drive.

It is, however, cheeky as fuck to expect others to chauffeur you around everywhere. And deeply unmasculine to throw a toddler tantrum about it when your wife finally sticks up for herself.

Wow - its refreshing to see the OP actually standing up for herself in RL and holding CFs accountable! Well done @twelveminutespast, we are rooting for you!

@twelveminutespast how are you planning to tackle the conversation?

It’s a shame his mum didn’t seem more surprised about her sons’ pathetic behaviour but I’m really not surprised.

in the UK it costs an absolute fortune to learn to drive and take your tests. It’s not “unmasculine” to not drive.

Yep. And if you live in somewhere like London, there's really no point to learning to drive.
I hate this attitude that it's 'unmasculine' not to drive. If it doesn't put me out, then people can do as they wish, Let's not add to the toxicity of masculinity.

Glad you said it first saraclara :) Saves me having to go on a massive rant about toxic masculinity and nasty attitudes to what men should and should not be.

HeadachesByTheDozen in fairness in the UK it costs an absolute fortune to learn to drive and take your tests.

Not necessarily. In OP's case, presumably her DH can go out for practice runs with her which would cut down the costs quite substantially.

I said it is seen as emasculating, where I am. Not that I think it is.

I just checked, I guess 'fortune' means different in the UK than in Australia. Average price in UK (don't know how to do the pound sign, sorry) is 24 pounds (A$46.55) to 30 pounds(A$58.19).
Average price in Sydney, Australia is $45 (UKp 23.20) to $95 (UKp 48.98).

So it is not much difference to cheaper to learn to drive in the UK. And people get their licence even if they live in the heart of a city like Sydney. You never know when you might need it (ie driving to weddings, away on holiday, emergency etc), living in London doesn't mean you shouldn't actually at least get your licence, if not a car.

Ugh, omit the cheaper word in there that shouldn't have been there. I meant to say there is little difference in the cost, the difference is in the priorities of the people/nation.

Getting your license and not using it is pretty dangerous though - you can't take 20 lessons, put your license in a drawer for a year and then drive the family to Scotland - you'd be awful

And given the dynamic of the H here looking to the OP to look after him, can you imagine him taking driving lessons from her?!

You can only compare costs if they are relative to average incomes though, my understanding is that salaries in Aus are higher than here...

Well according to "wanted down under"

Well, yes, the provisional licence is only £30. But then there’s insurance to insure a learner on your car (£hundreds, £23 for a theory test, £60 for the practical test. Lessons are usually a good £20-30 each and many companies only accept block bookings now, increasing the cost. And if you are saving money by getting the DH out driving with the OP, that’s then putting the burden on her to have to go out with him, plus teach him all the parallel parking etc. Possibly with a toddler in the back depending on childcare.

My daughter has just passed her test as a single parent working full time. She took 7 months start to finish and managed it with giving up some things to help pay (we paid for her test though). Anyway the bus ride selfies made me chuckle. Your DH sounds a bit childish too refusing your lift and going on the bus in solidarity with his brother 🤣 What a pair of sulky pants ha ha xxx

Sorry should have also said well done for standing your ground! You are doing so much already in the morning! I'd be well and truly cheesed off too. Especially at BIL not willing to walk some of the way to work x

Plus when you take your test you have to book the car for two hours and then the cost of the actual test so it can easily be £120 for one test.
Then buying a car, insuring it and running it can cost thousands depending on where you are! North London car insurance can be at least a couple of thousand for a new driver...
It’s so simple to say it’s about priorities. It’s about affordability!

@RandomMess The salaries are about the same in UK and Australia, it's just the currency that is different. But it works out roughly the same.

@Dyrne No different at all to Australia, and no one here complains about the costs, as it's just expected. Its normal.

@LtJudyHopps That is completely and totally normal. Here, if you aren't using your own car then you have to book the test car for 2 hours (an hour's refresh/prep lesson before the test, then the use of the car for the test) and $58 for the test, then if you get your licence, you have to pay for that, as well. What you and others are describing is totally normal charges that people pay in other countries too, and don't whinge about it because it's considered a necessity, like food, housing, water, sewage. What you are describing is not all that expensive, it's the same here. What differs are the priorities. Here, you are expected to get on with it and get it, just as you are expected to pay rent and taxes. Nobody ever really thinks of not getting it because of the costs, that's a given that you work around. I know a family where the man who has been on the dole for years and years - never had a job in his life, even for one day (true) almost past his test last time and will go again in a fortnight. All learned and done on welfare. When it's not an option to not get it, you don't even stop to think about the expense. It's just an expected normal part of life.

@HeadachesByTheDozen actually the Aus basic minimum wage is £2 higher than ours is at age 25. Bearing in mind it is much lower for under 21, then under 18, 17 etc. It does seem that cost is more of a barrier here.

Looking at the figures you quoted further down Sydney lessons are 2.5 time min wage (nearly $20 for a $50 lesson whereas here it's nearly 4 time minimum wage at 25 £8.20 for a £30 lesson!

I live in the cheap NW and £30 is cheap for half an hour lesson here.

Update - BIL has come round to watch the football. I answered the door and said hello and didn't get a response. He proceeded to sit on the couch, grab the remote and then turned the TV on for himself.

Op, go to the couch and take the remote from him and put on what you want.

Please don't let him get away with this behaviour.

@twelveminutespast: what did you do when he turned on the TV? Please tell me you told him if he can't be polite, he can bog off?

What a romantic valentine’s evening

We had just finished our tea in the kitchen so we were clearing up dishes etc. I just thought it was rude he couldn't even say hello back to me! There is some animosity now and the atmosphere is a bit frosty. But I had to do what was best for me

Pick up the remote and change the channel
If he doesn't like it he can leave
This is your home - his behaviour is awful

That’s your home. No one can come into it and be blatantly rude unless you and your DH let them. Ask him if he would like to watch the football at home or find his manners as you won’t be made uncomfortable under your own roof.

He could fucking whistle for any lifts from me in the future.

OP, this is YOUR home. He has marched in and taken over control of the remote of YOUR TV. Are you going to ignore this? I wouldn't care WHAT the fucking match was, NO ONE would get to disrespect me in my own home like that.