Child at Nursery

[Norealclue]

Hi everyone
I have been thinking this over and just can not decide what to do so I hope that someone will be able to advise here.
There is a child at our Nursery who has been biting other children. Quite a number of the children have been bitten. Naturally the mothers of the children who have been bitten have been discussing this. It is not right that children are supposed to be enjoying nursery and learning various things while there. The children are not there to be attacked by any other child.
Discussions have been held with the Head by the relative parent of the child who was bitten on each day. It then changed so that a number of the mums have discussed that their children have been bitten. There is also some scratching as this child grabs any toy they fancy out the hands of other children. The child grabs a toy but discards it soon after. It seems to be a case of not allowing children to have the toy they want.
It turns out that the child is a "special" case in that the child is under Social Services. It is very likely that something awful has happened to this child.
This situation has been going on for over a year and while having some sympathy for the child, the other children have a right to attend nursery safely and without any damage happening to them especially as an outcome from any other person in the nursery.
The nursery have refused to move the child to another nursery, they are offering mothers of the bitten children assistance to find other nurseries for their children.
There has been sympathy for the child but this is lessening and some resentment is setting in. Could it possibly be right to allow a nursery child to attack other children and not deal with it effectively in a year. The nursery they are not given enough staff for 1 - 1 for the child. The nursery say they are doing their best. They totally refuse to move the child so it is up to other mums to decide to more their children. Would it not ring alarm bells if a nursery started losing pupils? What if other pupils arrive to take the place of the children who leave and they are bitten too.
Nurseries must have more responsibilities than this. Can anyone advise?

How old?

A cared for child often comes with additional funding / support for the nursery which may mean the nursery makes more money from them than the other kids

What would you have the nursery do, OP?

It sounds like the nursery is to blame here. The poor child probably needs 1-1 care but lack of funding probably makes this hard.

I totally get your concern, I do. I get that your child and the other children should have a care free time at nursery but that child is entitled to particularly if they’ve had a bad start to life. Moving the child to another nursery would just mean they would do it again.

The child needs constant supervision.

I have a friend who’s son was asked to leave a pre school as he was biting, being quite aggressive, hitting children and injuring them etc. It was a mortifying time for her but to me it had no reflection on her parenting because her other two had no major issues. He later got diagnosed with autism.

I am a mother of a child with autism and thankfully we never had major issues with hurting other children but he did bite a child once. Thankfully it wasn’t a hard bite and didn’t hurt the child. I was mortified At the time but it hasn’t happened again. My son at Pre school age did have issues with sharing, taking turns, he would snatch, scream, get defensive if children went near him (not in a physical way). So I am the mother of the child who parents probably talk about at the school gates. The one who came out of school screaming his his head off because he found it too overwhelming ! Things have got easier.

My son was the bitter at nursery. He is autistic and has severe learning disabilities. He was supposed to have 1 to 1 care so for every child he bit, it meant the staff were not supervising him adequately.
Instead of trying to get this one poor child thrown out of nursery, maybe question why the staff aren't looking after him/her sufficiently? If he's under social services, they should be obtaining funding etc. He or she shouldn't have so many opportunities to bite.
It would probably look worse for them if they excluded this other child and SS may try to prevent it, so you should probably do as they suggest and move your children elsewhere.

The nursery can not exclude the child for their behaviour. What can they do? Although biting and hitting is not nice is very common and happens in every nursery and reception class from time to time. If the child has been so badly abused and neglected that they are in care then the nursery will be doing everything they can to support the child and the carers, and a change of setting won't help. If you move your child there's no guarantee they won't get bitten somewhere else.

Best you start looking for another nursery, I'm sure the mother is felling great about you all "talking about her child".

Be thankful you're child doesn't have issues and in future speak to the nursery and not gossip in the playground.

It's a small child, remember that.

What age is the biting child? I haven’t sent my son to nursery yet but all of his toddler friends go - every single one of them has bitten a child at some point, some only a few times and others where it is a consistent problem. I think nurseries might be quite stressful places!

Agree with @Charlie97
You won’t be privy to the background of this child but it is possible that moving nursery would be more disruptive to them than to a child from a more fortunate background.

I choosing to send my DC to a school with a high level of pupils with SEN & autism partly because I want them to learn compassion and tolerance of difference and yes this does mean that they sometimes get bitten/ pushed etc and no it’s not ok but it’s part of them learning about others that are less fortunate than themselves.
If you are very unhappy then move your child. Gossiping with other mums about a child is reprehensible.

I choosing to send my DC to a school with a high level of pupils with SEN & autism partly because I want them to learn compassion and tolerance of difference and yes this does mean that they sometimes get bitten/ pushed etc and no it’s not ok but it’s part of them learning about others that are less fortunate than themselves.
If you are very unhappy then move your child. Gossiping with other mums about a child is reprehensible.

@Pipanchew2 I applaud you!

The problem here is the nursery and not the child, your anger and frustration is entirely misplaced.

Behaviour is communication so why aren't the nursery picking up on what this child is trying to tell them and why aren't they supporting him/her and meeting his/her needs? They should be supervising closely and learning the child's trigger points - e.g., tiredness, frustration, etc - to try as much as possible to prevent any biting incidents before they happen.

This would annoy me, but I would rather move or remove my child than have a possibly looked-after child who has had a traumatic start in life bounced from nursery to nursery. Poor kid.

They should also be giving the child appropriate support moving forwards with targeted teaching around communication, social skills, emotional literacy, etc. to try and address the issues that lead to the biting.

Why should other people have to move their children, if this child has a problem it is not the responsibility of the other parents and of course it will be discussed, some people live in another planet where only nice things happen

All the children are in the 2 - 3 years room. There are 15 children and three members of staff.
The nursery have talked about how they can not have any more staff. If, as @GrumpyHoonMain said, any child who is cared for gets extra funding, the question then would be who is doing what with that extra funding?
Could the nursery have a volunteer in the room with these children to give extra help? Even if it was to do the mundane tasks to give the staff time with the children
I want my child to be safe in nursery which I am sure we all do.
It would not just be my child who would leave. They know the parents are talking about removing children. I am not happy that my child who has been there longer should be the one to leave a previously happy place for all the children.
While it is very unfortunate that this child is in a bad position it is causing bad feeling. I also think that the nursery are failing in their care of all the children involved. They have emailed one of the mothers and admitted that several children have been bitten.

@Norealclue move your child, lots of people will say they will also move and they just won't.

Just move your child, get another nursery that you think will do better and do it.

@isadoradancing123 I don't think that people live in a planet that's all nice, especially not the "biter" or his parents.

Maybe being involved with Social Services makes it harder for the child to be moved?

The nursery I worked at there was biting incidents quite often and there was one child (with a brilliant background) who if a child was bitten you knew had done it. He would only bite if another child had annoyed him. The nursery wouldn’t give him 1-1 either (costs and all that) but we were expected to all watch him ALL the time and we were often blamed if he bit someone whilst we were busy with another child.

They definitely need a 1-1 worker with the child. What have they put in place to help with preventing biting? (Aware they may not tell other parents). Think, sadly, it can be a phase for some children. But the nursery should definitely be doing more to help with this child.

@Norealclue how do you know the very private information about social services? Because if the nursery has divulged it, then you need to leave. Or is this playground gossip?

Also, how long has the child been there? This could be his first interaction with other children so having to learn to share. That could be stressful for a child who’s comes from a less fortunate background. (Not that there’s any excuse for a child to be biting but could be a reason)

It's tricky because you don't really know what goes on behind the scenes. It sounds like the child has some sort of difficulty in his life and getting special needs help can be long and drawn out. If they're on the waiting list for an Ed psych or over professionals to diagnose him, moving the child could mean his new nursery having to start the process all over again, which means it's longer before he gets help.
I don't think they can tell the child to leave. As if they have identified a special need it could be seen as discrimination (and depending on his home life he might be safer at nursery being watched over and any concerns recorded rather than having no one watching for neglect or whatever the need might be).

I very much doubt any funding they get would cover the cost if a couple of children decided to leave that it would be that much of a selling point for them.
The nursery could be in the middle of trail and error with different strategies and are still trying to find some that work for him.
Obviously they wouldn't be able to tell you any of this.

However your main concern is your child, if you feel it is having a negative affect and this child outweighs all the good points of the nursery then I would move her in a heartbeat.

The nursery is in an area with many problems. Most of the children in that nursery have home issues. There are a few children who are being tested for special needs and this includes mine. It is not an area where you could let children out to play in gardens or streets. It was a nice place for the children to go. They have a large fenced in garden which is all grass.
It is the nursery I am not pleased with. The child is very unfortunate, whatever the full story is with their situation but it is not true to say that there is only one unfortunate child in the nursery.
It was the education department who sent lists of nurseries to the mums. The mums are not gossiping we are trying to find a way to ensure that our children are safe and we can relax feeling our children are safe. It is not an all day nursery. It is only a few hours. It does not look good that the nursery could not keep the children safe for a few hours.
Why am I getting comments that I am blaming the child and I am all sorts of bad? Would you all willingly put your child into this nursery knowing that a number of children have been bitten over a long period?

I don’t see how the nursery staff are at fault at all. Extra funding won’t be enough to hire an additional member of staff, and ratios are ok. They really are stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one

@Norealclue how do you know the detailed information on this child's background?