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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left after MC

87 replies

Zara84 · 11/02/2020 02:28

So my husband travelled abroad to South Africa a week ago as his neice is getting married ( he is very close to this neice) & also his dad wasn’t well - the issue is I miscarried 5 days ago and we knew from a previous scan that I would be miscarrying at some point soon.. this is my 2nd mc in 5 months and I’m absolutely broken. To make matters worse there have been some complications so I have been in hospital
For 3 days... I feel really angry towards my husband for leaving and not cancelling the wedding attendance. His dad doesn’t have a life threatening illness and I just feel so angry that he isn’t here. Am
I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 11/02/2020 02:53

I am sorry for your loss. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. 💐

Bluerussian · 11/02/2020 03:21

I'm sorry for your loss, it's very sad.

However your husband going to his niece's wedding was very important to him and her. Staying at home with you would not have helped you, you aren't ill and getting over a miscarriage takes its own time. Quite honestly it's often better being on your own. Didn't you say he'd already gone when you had the miscarriage?

That's just my opinion. I do have sympathy for you but - life goes on.

oldfashionedtastingtea · 11/02/2020 03:32

I've had 5 miscarriages and an ectopic and I don't see why he should have stayed tbh. He can't help and the wedding is a once in a lifetime thing to go to. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I hope you will have a healthy pregnancy and baby in the future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2020 03:40

The situation is shitty and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's easier to be angry with your DH than just angry. He was in a difficult situation and made a choice. Maybe it was the wrong one but I assume SA is his home and his dad's sick and he wanted to attend a loved one's wedding. Horrible choice.

Thanks
2tired2function · 11/02/2020 04:01

I think that depends a lot on whether you asked him not to go.

Weffiepops · 11/02/2020 04:04

I think cancelling going to the wedding would have been very expensive and disappointing for him. There would no doubt be friends and family he was looking forward to seeing. It's awful you are facing a MC on your own but are there friends you can spend time with? I think friends make better company in these circumstances anyhow Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2020 04:29

Yeah, I'm sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable. You didn't know when it would happen, it's very sad for you that it's happened while he was away after all, but it might not have. He had the plane booked, he had a wedding to go to, cancelling of which for a "might happen" would have been a bit daft.

I'm sure your anger towards your DH is mostly misplaced anger at the universe or what/whomever for you having had another MC in the first place - it's a very understandable reaction - but it's not fair to be angry actually AT him for having gone to the wedding.

I hope you have other family and/or friends supporting you.

curiousierandcouriser · 11/02/2020 04:43

How soon before / after your MC did your husband travel?

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers. Honestly however, I do think YABU here as well. I don't think there is much another person can do to help that you can't get in the hospital / friends and the close family wedding will only happen once.

As PP said, sometimes its better to be on your own to grieve.

Oulu · 11/02/2020 04:47

YANBU, and I'm sorry you're getting some of the usual weird MN middle of the night responses. I've been in a fairly similar situation to you, but the other way round, IYSWIM. I had a missed miscarriage that I knew in advance was going to happen, followed by a spontaneous one around 5 months later, and I needed that support at home from my DH. In your case the whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that there were complications - OK, he couldn't necessarily predict that, but it's always going to be on the cards when someone is going through a medical procedure. It makes no difference that it might not have happened while your DH was away: even if it hadn't, just having that hanging over you and knowing that it's inevitable is just as bad.

Of course the marriage of his niece was important, but you're more important, and they could always send him lots of photos and/or a video. So far as expense goes, I suspect it would be covered by insurance in all the circumstances.

I'm so sorry all this has happened, OP, and hope you are at least beginning to heal. Do you have any friends or relatives around that you can talk things over with? I found talking everything through was really the only thing that helped. And, of course, you'll need to talk things through with your DH on his return and I hope he will see the need to support you properly from here on.

Colabottles64 · 11/02/2020 04:49

I don’t think YABU at all. Your husband should be there for you, supporting you in whatever way you need it. You got pregnant together and now that you’re miscarrying he should be there for you imho. Missing the wedding and trip would have been unfortunate, but surely knowing you’re going through this second impending loss, as it would have been when he left - and as it turns out ended up with complications and in hospital and suffering - would ruin his trip anyway. I’m so sorry for your losses, I too felt so angry, pure rage at the awfulness of it when I miscarried. wish there were better words of comfort to offer xxx

NothingWrong · 11/02/2020 05:13

I'm sorry you're miscarrying, but life goes on. I don't think you're being U to wish he was with you, but I don't think he's U to have gone.

lborgia · 11/02/2020 05:31

YANBU - it wouldn’t have a financial implication as he could use insurance, and if they are that close I’m sure she would’ve loved to have seen him in a month when she had time to spend with him 1-2-1..

Ignore life goes on people. You sad, you’re distressed, you needed hospital, of course it’s reasonable to want his support. Flowers

lborgia · 11/02/2020 05:33

Just thought of a reverse, if a bride came on here and said “my uncle is missing my wedding because wife had a miscarriage and is in hospital. AIBU to think she’s being unreasonable and life goes on”???

Brazi103 · 11/02/2020 06:17

I'm so sorry op and I have been through it myself but I think yabu.
It was a preplanned trip and I'm sure involving alot of expense. Not to mention taking annual leave etc.
The timing is unfortunate but I dont think he has done anything wrong.
His dad is also I'll and it doesnt matter that it's not life threatening- he lives far away from his family. Its not a case of I'll see you next weekend and rearrange.
Do you have any friends or family that you can call for support?

NewToRenting · 11/02/2020 06:18

Of course YANBU! I have seen a very close family member go through 3 miscarriages. It is not just physically draining, she was a wreck emotionally. Once she also had cramps similar to labour pains.
Your husband should have been your rock and your support in this time. If he can't do anything else at least he could get you some tea, hold your hand, sort out housework, lend a shoulder to cry on...you should not be doing this alone.
Family is important, a beloved one's wedding is important, but miscarrying wife would trump all those, in my opinion.

LividLaughLovely · 11/02/2020 06:21

Some weird responses on here.

She’s been in HOSPITAL. Miscarriage is one of the most devastating things a person can go through.

Of course he should have stayed.

WardrobeJumper · 11/02/2020 06:32

Wow, I'm so so sorry OP. Of course he should be with you at this time.

kateandme · 11/02/2020 06:41

some fkd up responses here.my god.have a heart. if you need your husband there then of course.he should cancel anything,abslutely anything if you need him.
life goes on.wtf. no it doesnt.not in the same way.this woman is losing her child!
im really sorry op.
is there anyone else that could be there for you.
what i do think is being stressed and upset about him not bein there will noly make you feel worse now.
you need to tell him how you fee lwhen he gets back.calmly talk it through.
what you need to do now is keep calm,keep rested and try and get through this.look after yourelf and nurture all the pain your feeling.
life does go on,not in the same way but your not broken.a little bruised and hurt but you can heal.
give yourself kindess and time.
big hugs here from me.

Mumdiva99 · 11/02/2020 06:51

Actually I can see both sides. I understand why you are angry. I also understand why he went. Men are (often) very different to women and can take the emotion out of the situation. When you do that it makes sense he went e.g. it made no difference to the viability of your child, you would be looked after, he planned and paid for the trip ages ago etc etc From your side you must be devastated, you want your husband with you, you wanted his emotional support.

Please don't let this break you if the rest of the time he is a great husband. Because it could. Do you have RL friends/family to offer support?

Alsoco · 11/02/2020 07:02

YANBU but then I don’t think he is either. Crappy situation. Hope you’re okay Flowers

londonrach · 11/02/2020 07:28

Sits on the fence. What alsoco says above. Hope you ok x

Roselilly36 · 11/02/2020 07:38

So sorry OP, YANBU, I would definitely want DH to stay with me in the circumstances.

namechanger2019 · 11/02/2020 07:41

I think I have woken up in some parallel universe. Of course yanbu! If would be considering divorce if my husband left me to deal with a miscarriage on my own while he swanned off to a wedding!

Yummymummy2020 · 11/02/2020 07:43

I’m surprised at some of the responses here, I think he should have stayed to be honest! And that would be without the hospital part even. I’m so sorry for your loss and even more sorry there have been complications, it’s such an awful time for you and I hope you have plenty of support around you now. ❤️

Winter2020 · 11/02/2020 07:48

If it were me I would want my husband with me. I think he should have put you first even though he can't change the outcome he could be there for you. His niece is having the happiest day of her life while you are having the worst. He should have chose you. I hope he recognises he made a mistake and would choose differently if he could.

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