Husband left after MC

[Zara84]

So my husband travelled abroad to South Africa a week ago as his neice is getting married ( he is very close to this neice) & also his dad wasn’t well - the issue is I miscarried 5 days ago and we knew from a previous scan that I would be miscarrying at some point soon.. this is my 2nd mc in 5 months and I’m absolutely broken. To make matters worse there have been some complications so I have been in hospital
For 3 days... I feel really angry towards my husband for leaving and not cancelling the wedding attendance. His dad doesn’t have a life threatening illness and I just feel so angry that he isn’t here. Am
I being unreasonable ?

I'm so sorry your going through this. I absolutely get where your coming from. A wedding is in no way comparable to a miscarriage. He absolutely should of stayed to support you through this. The only thing I would say is that as he is the father he will also be feeling this loss, I don't believe as much as you, but who knows how he feels, maybe he felt like he needed support himself? I don't agree he should of left you to cope alone, especially as the wedding still isn't for 2 weeks, but I think you need to give a little understanding to his feelings too.

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP.
It must be immensely painful and awful to be alone. I hope you feel we are supporting you a little and you are a little less alone as a result.

I do think, though, that you have made a mistake in not expressing your needs clearly to him. He offered to come home and you didn't ask him to. You are wanting him to read your mind or wanting him to want what you want, without you having to say. That's a very natural instinct. But it's really not a fair expectation of him.

He might have loved to come home - to feel needed and necessary to you.... but you didn't ask him. He may have felt you wanted and needed space. He may have felt useless and not know what to say. While I am not saying it is as bad for him, he has also lost a second child. He will have feelings of loss, maybe shame, failure, anger at life .... any number of things. He may feel he is doing you a favour staying away from you. He may feel the need to distract himself with the wedding because he is in the denial stage of grief. Both of you are probably having very powerful emotions and neither of you are feeling able to share them.

I think it is really important that you two start communicating and sharing in this loss together... you will both have very difficult feelings to work through, and the pattern you are setting up at the moment - not sharing your needs clearly and grieving separately, isn't working well.

I would encourage you to talk to him openly. Tell him you made a mistake not to be clear. That you really don't want to be without him at this time and you would like him to come back as soon as possible. Tell him you want to grieve together and you are afraid if you are left alone it will damage your relationship, because it is making you feel unloved and uncared for at a crucial turning point of loss. That sort of thing can cause an 'attachment injury' which is hard to heal from.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best,

Xx

Given the extra information that he'd only gone to help with prep and the wedding isn't for another 2 weeks then he should have stayed.

However, to the posters asking, yes I have actually had 3 MCs so I do know the upset of the situation, although I haven't had a MMC.

However the point from the original OP was that, although the MC was inevitable, it wasn't clear when it would happen - and if the wedding had been immediately after the DH got to SA, then it would have been reasonable for him to go, go to the wedding and then come back to support his wife. Unlucky that she started the MC process just after he'd left, but she might NOT have done - she would have just been waiting for it, which, while also horrible, doesn't really require the husband to be around for IMO.

Given the update however, I think that he could have changed his ticket and gone later to the wedding rather than going so early.

He could have gone later - the wedding is TWO WEEKS AWAY. Oh op I’m not surprised you’re mad. I don’t know if I would get over that.

Can't believe some people, one poster said 'youre having a miscarriage, you're not ill', well I'm sure during the process of miscarrying and afterwards, one might feel a bit (or alot) 'ill'. Some women lose a lot of blood, some are ectopic, usually helpful of you have someone to hold your hand a bit through all that. I don't yabu OP, I don't necessarily think your DH is bu for wanting to attend an important family ceremony either

I think this would ruin my marriage.
I'd never be able to forgive him. Even when he eventually comes home and says sorry I should have stayed that's too little to late.

What did he say when you said you weren't coping?

It is such a horrible physical and emotional experience. It's very unfair that he left you to deal with it on your own.

Hello OP,

I just read again your last post and am confused. In your first paragraph, you said you didn't ask him to come back but in your later paragraph you say you did. If you have already clearly asked him to come back then please ignore my previous post. If that is the case, then it is on him that he is not coming back and you have every right to feel very let down by him.

I am sorry

I’m so sorry for your loss but I do think you’re being unreasonable.

You could have explicitly asked him to stay rather than leaving it up to him. He didn’t know when you would miscarry & his father is unwell and lives abroad. Having a sick parent sucks especially when they are abroad.

So sorry about your loss again but YABU.

He said he understood and was sorry he couldn’t be there and that his family are also very sad.

I think no matter what anyone says in my book he has been unreasonable simply because I am
Always there for him for everything.

I don’t think I can forgive him right now and have told him to just let me be...because he calls me very very late once he is free from all his family duties and I have been finding it difficult getting a hold of him during the day as he’s always so busy - I don’t know if this will break our marriage only time will tell. But definitely speaking to you all has helped and I appreciate all your views.

I think it’s time to just focus on my health try and get better, go to my check ups and just realise that sometimes you have to help yourself, rather than wait for someone to save you. Live and learn - thanks all x

He should have stayed. I'm so sorry OP

I was all ready to say that neither of you were being unreasonable but given your update that you have insurance and the wedding is not for another two weeks I think he's been unreasonable. He should have cancelled his ticket too and moved his flight closer to the wedding date.

He could have been there for you when you most needed and attended the wedding.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Oh hell yeah he should have stayed a bit longer with you and just flew out for a few days for the actual wedding

So id like to change my post to YANBU and he’s being VU

Yes he did ask if he should stay and I said it’s up to him as I didn’t want to make that decision for him...

I think this is the big issue. You didn’t tell him you wanted him to stay.

So sorry for your loss

I imagine he's been very worried about his dad. But having read that the wedding isn't for two weeks, I'd have expected him to wait until after the miscarriage, to go to the wedding.

I think you should have made it clear to him that you wanted him to stay though. I totally understand that you wanted him to come to that conclusion himself, but he was probably hoping for some clarity from you, given that he was torn in different directions.

OP I'm so so sorry for your loss MC is one of the most devastating things someone can experience (I had 2 losses in 2018 following 5 years of unexplained infertility so understand the impact it can have physically and emotionally). Everything you're feeling right now is totally normal and natural, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish there was something I could say that will make you feel better but there isn't - it's a terribly horrid situation and experience. Every woman deals with MC differently and needs different levels of support so if you need your DH by your side then that is what you need - don't let anyone tell you YABU. You've been through and are still going through a hellish experience so I personally think YANBU to think and feel this way.

Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to help yourself deal with your grief. Sending love and strength. If you're not already you may find counselling will help (when you're ready) - don't know where you are in the country but I had counselling through Petals and they were amazing.
Wishing you a future happy and healthy pregnancy

I think I agree with OP that he had to make his own decision. If hed stayed because OP insisted he could have been resentful towards her because he missed the wedding.

@InDreamland - thank you for your kind words

And yes to the last post I didn’t want him to resent it afterwards...

Equally though you can resent him for leaving.

It’s not as though you chose to miscarry but he sure as shit chose to leave.

Well..from what i gather he knew that you would be miscarrying and yet he left. He also left well in advance of the wedding to help with prepping whilst he knew that his wife is/will be miscarrying. I appreciate his father was unwell but he could have delayed his trip until a little later. It's not like he was told that his father is approaching his end ( from what i understand). I think he is being very unreasonable and heartless. He is also being very unreasonable for not being contactable at all times, having left you to deal with this by yourself. I feel for you OP , and i can see why you are upset. I would be too. I hope you have a good network of friends and family close by to help you through this difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope and pray that it won't be long before you get your much deserved "sticky bean" . Virtual hugs and

I'm sorry for your loss but that wasn't much your partner could do. Do you have other support around you? I don't think he was being unreasonable going to see his dad and niece. His father might not have much longer left.

here's almost no chance insurance would pay out for your husband cancelling due to your miscarriage, especially as you hadn't technically miscarried when he left

Sorry, but this is nonsense. Witness the fact that OP was able to claim on her own insurance.

@Autumn2019 - you have hit the nail on the head.. everything you have said is exactly what I feel and no his dad is not critical, he is actually much better now, just finishing his course of antibiotics.

I don’t want to be rude to anyone who doesn’t seem to see an issue here with him leaving but I genuinely feel resentment towards him and am even contemplating the idea of separation to see where we get... amazing how grief makes you recalculate things and recall things you ignored but probably shouldn’t have in the past.

Unlucky that she started the MC process just after he'd left, but she might NOT have done - she would have just been waiting for it, which, while also horrible, doesn't really require the husband to be around for IMO.

Why on earth not? Speaking from experience, you need just as much support whilst waiting for the worst to happen.

You really can't say that the MC might not have happened whilst he was away. In fact, it was inevitable that it would, given that the plan was for medical management within a week if it didn't happen naturally.

Whilst MCs are bad enough emotionally, they can also be dangerous physically. When I had one, I haemorrhaged so much that I lost consciousness at one point. If ever you need support, it is during times like that.

Thing is if his dad was very Ill prior to getting better again combined with his age it probably made him realise just how far away from his family he is.
I understand your upset I really do. But I think hes also entitled to spend a few weeks with his family, especially his dad. The wedding may have bee the reason for booking the flights, but the timing with his dad being ill has worked out with that.
He wont have his family on his doorstep and it's not like anyone can just rush off there without the expense.
I just think the timing with your miscarriage is really unfortunate. I'm sorry you're going through it. I couldn't turn against him though.

I really do hope you're ok x