Husband left after MC

[Zara84]

So my husband travelled abroad to South Africa a week ago as his neice is getting married ( he is very close to this neice) & also his dad wasn’t well - the issue is I miscarried 5 days ago and we knew from a previous scan that I would be miscarrying at some point soon.. this is my 2nd mc in 5 months and I’m absolutely broken. To make matters worse there have been some complications so I have been in hospital
For 3 days... I feel really angry towards my husband for leaving and not cancelling the wedding attendance. His dad doesn’t have a life threatening illness and I just feel so angry that he isn’t here. Am
I being unreasonable ?

I do think YABU here as well. I don't think there is much another person can do to help that you can't get in the hospital/friends

Think about that in other contexts. "Sorry, DH, that you've got a terminal illness and may die within the next two weeks, but there's not much I can do to help that you can't get through the hospital and your friends so I'm buggering off".

Well, I said in my earlier post that he should have reduced the length of his stay and based in your update, I feel even more strongly about that. If wedding is only in a few weeks he should have stayed for an extra week or so and only gone after you were on mend. He wouldnt have kissed wedding.

But I think hes also entitled to spend a few weeks with his family, especially his dad. The wedding may have bee the reason for booking the flights, but the timing with his dad being ill has worked out with that. He wont have his family on his doorstep and it's not like anyone can just rush off there without the expense.

He can see them at other times. Expense isn't an issue given that he can reclaim the cost of the tickets on insurance.

I think given you told him it was his choice and his dad is 80 then you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry.

That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have stayed or that your grief isn’t justified - I really do feel for you - but presumably he is grieving too so I hope you manage to be kind to each other and perhaps communicate a bit better.

I understand why you didn’t ask him to stay. But you should have. You need to put yourself first and as and aside, he isn’t a mind reader. That said, of course he should have stayed to look after you and I do totally understand your incredulity that he even needed to ask. It shows a lack of emotional intelligence.

In one of your posts, you asked him to come home and then in later ones, you’ve said he needs to leave you alone. Is this because he refused to leave?

I get totally why this could be a deal breaker for your marriage. I think he should have stayed with your during the miscarriage and arrived for the wedding.

Were his father terribly ill, it would have been more understandable. But from what you say, he isn’t.

Given your second update, I don’t think your being unreasonable. He should have delayed going, even if by a week, as the wedding is 2 weeks away. That means he’s going to be away for several weeks at a time when you need him the most. Sorry, but that’s not on. I know my dh would definitely stay with me, especially if I asked him to.

I really can't believe he left you alone for a wedding. Half of them end in divorce anyway. Hand hold for this very hard time for you and I'm sorry your husband let you down.

I really can't believe he left you alone for a wedding.

I don't think he did. I think he left her because SA is his home, his aging, sick father and family are there, he misses them and it's a sad and upsetting time for him too. I don't know how often he goes home but as an immigrant, this home sickness at times of stress can be massive. And OP wasn't bleeding when he left. And she didn't ask him to stay.

Having said that, and considering it was two weeks until the wedding, he could have postponed rather than cancelled. And should have. And certainly I would have come home if my partner was hospitalised.

So sorry for your loss. It seams your DH has made the wrong call by going. He didn't realise how much you needed him. It seems blindingly obvious to you, but you didn't tell him.

Initially, I didn't vote as I wasn't sure and there isn't a You Are Neither Reasonable nor Unreasonable.
I would have thought it reasonable for him to go for a day or 2 either side of the wedding.

However, after he could have gone later the wedding isn’t until 2 weeks - he’s just helping with preps now etc he should have waited as he knew that you would either miscarry naturally in the next couple of days or have a managed/surgical procedure after a week. He should've stayed and given you a week and a half support and then still gone to the wedding leaving you for just a few days instead of 2 or 3 weeks.

You are not being unreasonable.

I have never experienced a miscarriage but I have experienced grief and my husband was my biggest support and rock, as he should be.

He has left you at one of the most devastating times of your life and I think it’s ubforgivable. Added to that, he’s difficult to get hold of and when you said you weren’t coping he said sorry he couldn’t be there???

If he had to go, he should have waited until the actual wedding and he should never have put it on you to ask him not to go!! His dad is not critical - It’s just reading like he’s run away from his problems.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

OP I didn't comment previously but was furious and upset for you.
How are things now and how are you?