Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left after MC

87 replies

Zara84 · 11/02/2020 02:28

So my husband travelled abroad to South Africa a week ago as his neice is getting married ( he is very close to this neice) & also his dad wasn’t well - the issue is I miscarried 5 days ago and we knew from a previous scan that I would be miscarrying at some point soon.. this is my 2nd mc in 5 months and I’m absolutely broken. To make matters worse there have been some complications so I have been in hospital
For 3 days... I feel really angry towards my husband for leaving and not cancelling the wedding attendance. His dad doesn’t have a life threatening illness and I just feel so angry that he isn’t here. Am
I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
BlueJava · 11/02/2020 07:51

YANBU obviously your DH should be there to support you at a time like that. A wedding, whilst sad to miss if he is close, is a happy event where he is one of many people. He should have been there with you would be my view.

chuttypicks · 11/02/2020 07:51

I can't believe all the responses on here saying that YABU.

YADNBU!!! He should have stayed here to support you. End of. He is an ass of the highest order and would be getting told so repeatedly upon his return until he begged for forgiveness and saw the error of his ways if he was my DH. If he's not on his way home yet then you should tell him he needs to get home and do his job as a husband. You should be his priority. He made that vow to you when you got married.

I can't believe that people really think that attending a wedding is more important than supporting a partner through a miscarriage. They're talking nonsense.

Lockheart · 11/02/2020 07:53

It's a difficult one. It's not just as simple as saying "if the niece was posting on here.."

It's not only his nieces wedding, but an unwell father, presumably family he doesn't get to see that often, possibly pressure from his family to come for the wedding, and a potentially expensive flight which he might not be able to get back. I can understand why it might not have been a simple black and white decision for him.

Sorry for your loss OP

CakeandCustard28 · 11/02/2020 07:55

It’s a hard one. He should be supporting you but there’s not a lot he can do to help. Maybe he went because he doesn’t get the opportunity to see them often? Not to mention flights would be expensive and a waste of money. Couldn’t of been an easy decision for him espically with his dad being poorly, as it’s not just the wedding he’s going for really. Flowers Big hugs OP.

codenameduchess · 11/02/2020 07:57

YANBU to want him with you, but he is NBU to have gone. It's an awful thing you're going through but he couldn't have known that it was going to happen when he booked his travel and presumably he doesn't see his family often if they are in SA.
Is there a reason you didn't go with him?

ShatnersWig · 11/02/2020 08:03

Can I just clarify things OP?

He left a week ago, you miscarried 5 days ago, ie after he had already left? Were you already in hospital when he left?

BadCatDirtyCat · 11/02/2020 08:03

I'm so sorry, I've been through a miscarriage and it was one of the hardest times of my life - and being alone and in hospital must make things so much worse. Please know that I (and loads of other mners!) are thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Some gentle advice - I'm not sure AIBU is the best place for threads like this - you'll either get people saying you're unreasonable (which really doesn't help I'm sure) or telling you your husband is a complete arse which will probably just make you more angry and resentful. The miscarriage board can be supportive if you want to post there xx

BadCatDirtyCat · 11/02/2020 08:06

@codenameduchess - it says in the OP that by the time he left shed already had a scan and been told she would miscarry soon - not a great idea for her to get on a flight to SA in those circumstances..

Jeleste · 11/02/2020 08:07

This is a hard one. Its not unreasonable that youre upset. But maybe youre more angry at the miscarriage than your husband and redirecting?
Im not sure how he could have helped.
I do understand what its like to live away from family and wanting to go to special occasions. When i was pregnant one of my family members got married. I was very ill and constantly in hospital for fluids. Obviously couldnt travel. I think if DH had the baby i would have gone without him.
Its a once in a life time event and i guess the miscarriage wouldnt have been less horrible with him cancelling.

Im very sorry this happened to you Flowers

Longdistance · 11/02/2020 08:08

I’d like to know if his family know you’re having a miscarriage and are in hospital as I don’t they’d be pleased he travelled so far and left you all alone. Flowers

codenameduchess · 11/02/2020 08:16

@BadCatDirtyCat i meant in the first place, if it's a big family wedding OP is family...

ChuckleBuckles · 11/02/2020 08:32

He had the plane booked, he had a wedding to go to, cancelling of which for a "might happen" would have been a bit daft

Staying to support his wife when she is having a MC is now "a bit daft", I am astounded by some of the replies on here to this OP hurting and needing support. The good news OP is that if his dad takes a turn for the worse there is no need for you to go to the funeral or offer support as life goes on and going might incur expense and be a bit inconvenient.

I hope you have family or friends close by for support, I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

Oulu · 11/02/2020 08:38

It was a preplanned trip and I'm sure involving alot of expense

That's what insurance is for.

Oulu · 11/02/2020 08:41

He had the plane booked, he had a wedding to go to, cancelling of which for a "might happen" would have been a bit daft

It wasn't a case of "might happen", it had happened; what had not happened was completion of the miscarriage. If you had been through it, you would know that sitting around waiting to miscarry is hellish in itself.

CatteStreet · 11/02/2020 09:09

'YANBU to want him with you, but he is NBU to have gone.'
This is my position too.

I've had 6 mcs (and preferred to get on with things largely alone mainly, but my experience is irrelevant to yours).

You feel whatever you feel, but try not to be overly harsh on him. Your anger is at the cruelty of miscarriage (and believe me, I know all about that) and is currently being redirected to him. Have understanding for yourself, and expect it from him, but don't unleash the anger onto him destructively. I really do not think you would be feeling any better emotionally right now had he cancelled to stay with you. When is he due back? Lean on him for support when he is.

HillAreas · 11/02/2020 09:23

I am truly stunned by all these comments about the poor man being disappointed to miss the party and how his presence wouldn’t have changed the outcome blah blah blah.
I would be devastated if my DH left me in this situation to go to a party thousands of miles away and have a jolly old time while I was grieving for the child we made together. At that wedding he will be one of many, but to OP right now he’s the one person she needs to be unquestionably on her side, sickness and health, thick and thin, no matter what. That’s what marriage is supposed to be all about.
“Life goes on” indeed but it’s not unreasonable for it to pause in these situations.

BlingLoving · 11/02/2020 09:45

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. Of course you're devastated and want him close to you and I don't blame you at all for being upset and angry.

On the other hand, as a South African ex pat myself, I know how difficult and expensive these trips are (and there's almost no chance insurance would pay out for your husband cancelling due to your miscarriage, especially as you hadn't technically miscarried when he left) and how there's intense pressure from family back home to turn up for family events plus a real desire to be there for family, particularly elderly/unwell family.

In this situation, I think I'd have told Dh to go but it's probably we might have tried to make the trip shorter - eg if booked for 10 days, maybe just prioritise the wedding days and leave later/come back earlier if the flights could be changed.

Urkiddingright · 11/02/2020 10:10

YANBU at all OP. Anyone who says otherwise has obviously never experienced the trauma and pain of a miscarriage.

Original poster
Zara84 · 11/02/2020 11:09

Thank you all for your responses.. I guess there’s views from the other side also which I respects nd appreciate...however I’m unable to be okay about it all..may be because I am technically still bleeding and in a lot of pain.

So a few people asked about the miscarriage itself - we had a 12 week scan about 10 days ago and was told there isn’t a heartbeat and it was a missed miscarriage, they told us to return for either medical management or surgery in a week or I would alternatively just miscarry naturally: I started bleeding the night after he left. And have been in hospital 3 days and now back home bleeding. Yes he did ask if he should stay and I said it’s up to him as I didn’t want to make that decision for him...even though inside I did think to myself “how can you even ask me if you should stay?!” I too had originally planned to attend the wedding, but cancelled my ticket we have insurance so financially there no implications.

His father is 80 years old and had a very bad chest infection, he was in hospital but came back home about 2 weeks ago and is now recovering at home- the complication is his age otherwise he is okay & doctors have said he will be fine.

His family only called me yesterday to say how upset they were as they “couldn’t face speaking to me as it was the second time and didn’t know what to say”... I have been seeing posts about wedding preps and obviously they are getting on with wedding bots and bobs and are busy.

Maybe I am being unreasonable god knows..all I know is my pain at losing my second child is so massive that I cannot contemplate even going out for coffee with anyone let alone attending a wedding... someone said they would be divorcing the guy I have to be honest the thought has crossed my mind as I am so disappointed...I even asked him to come back and told him I wasn’t coping...I have a fantastic but small family and a small number of friends who have been supportive, work have been supportive and given me time to rest ( I have been signed off by GP) - yet no one seems to make up for the support I am missing from my husband - maybe I am being unreasonable due to my mental state but I know I would never attend a wedding or anything like that if the tables were turned.. he could have gone later the wedding isn’t until 2 weeks - he’s just helping with preps now etc. I don’t know it’s a very lonely and dark place only someone who has experienced such loss will understand x. However I appreciate all your responses - god bless you all x

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 11/02/2020 11:35

I am so sorry for your loss you aren't being unreasonable in your feelings, however your husband is going through a loss too, has a poorly parent who is very far away (I lost my 78 year old Dad to pneumonia last year so can imagine his worry) and a family commitment to attend his much loved niece's wedding. Be kind to yourself and to him. I can't imagine how hard it is for you but the circumstances are just crap and I don't suspect your husband is doing this to hurt you he's just pulled in so many different directions and is probably confused and trying to do his best by everyone. Xxx

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2020 11:37

ugh I don't know, it's really tough, I can see both your points of view tbh

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 11/02/2020 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2020 11:39

also, really sorry for what you're going through :(

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2020 11:40

he could have gone later the wedding isn’t until 2 weeks - he’s just helping with preps now etc.

Ohhh well that changes my point of view. He is being unreasonable then

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/02/2020 12:04

This also depends on how seriously ill his father is.
I assume living so far away, means that he hasn't seen them all for some time.
I think you need to cut him slack, he will be suffering to with the loss

Swipe left for the next trending thread