To ask was it all worth it for DD 1 to attend a super selective grammar school when she is so down on herself because she won't be going to Oxbridge like her three best friends.e

[mainstreet]

DD 1 YR 13 is hoping to get offers from Warwick , Bath or Surrey Universities. However, despite potentially having the choice of three great Uni's is feeling extremely low this evening, unbelievable i know but with three of her closet friends likely to get offers from Cambridge and Oxford is feeling 'stupid!

Do these extra selective girls schools create the idea for normally very bright girls that if you are not Oxford/Cambridge bound you are mediocre .
Out of sympathy DD 2 year 10 who is at the same Essex Grammar school as now informed me she intends leaving the school next year and will not go to University.

Doesn't the OP just mean they all have conditional offers and so are waiting for their results to see if they get unconditional offers? I don't get the confusion.

Those options she's picked are fine - solid choices. Not Oxbridge, no, but solid, newer institutions (aren't they all Top 50 under 50? They aren't red brick, but whatever falls between that and post-92s)with reasonable reputations. There's likely to be some Oxbridge rejects there - not as many as places like Durham etc, so it won't feel like she's not part of that gang - and a generally high calibre of student, in particular at Bath.

If she'd have attained that anyway, perhaps she could have stayed at a secondary modern, and been more of a big fish in a little pond: but those types often struggle a lot more at good universities than those who have been used not always being top of every class in every subject: it can be a struggle for them at university when they realise their abilities no longer set them apart in such a significant way.

You should be pleased with what she's achieved - and encourage her to feel the same.

The thread is confusing. Sounds like she didn’t apply for oxford despite being predicted high enough grades?

My DD’s school is pushing her to apply to oxford (not this year) but dd is not confident enough, doesn’t think she’s good enough. She will apply but she is more keen to go to Exeter. She goes to a local comp where on average only 1 or 2 students each year get offers for oxford or Cambridge. For dd it’s more important that she likes the uni and the town/city so we will be looking at several alternatives.

If your dd didn’t even apply for Oxford then I don’t understand why she’s upset.

DD1 went to Durham University and was shocked at the number of depressed and self harming students whose own parents had told them they were failures for not getting into Oxbridge, and the parents were angry at all the money they had “wasted” on school fees and tutors. These kids were all high achievers, yet they saw Durham as somehow a consolation prize, and themselves as worthless.
Such parents should be ashamed of themselves - imagine being disappointed in your own child for not giving you bragging rights to the neighbours about them getting into Oxbridge, it’s appalling.
Personally, I was thankful DD was at Durham, where the pastoral care was superb, and her tutor almost a surrogate mum!

I think I get it. She didn't apply for Oxbridge because she thought or perhaps was advised by her teachers she wouldn't get in? And her friends were told to go for it and have got in.
Try to remind her that the best place for her subject is not necessarily Oxbridge.
I chose to apply to another university because the type of teaching they offered I felt suited me better. I was right and had a fantastic time. Pick the right course at the right uni for your own character. Then who cares what the name is really?

My DD turned down Oxford for another university, 3 years later and it was a great decision.

I wouldn’t worry, a relative went to Warwick.
Some weeks they had one and a half hours of scheduled lectures.
If they missed it, they were sent a pdf.
How’s that for academic excellence.

I also attended all girls grammar and felt the same. The school put a lot of emphasis on those leaving to study medicine / go to oxbridge, the rest of us weren't that important.
I've since grown up and got some perspective...I've got a good degree from a Russell group uni, I'm doing fine. I can understand why your daughter is feeling this way at the moment but sounds like she has some great options open to her.

Like a pp I didn't go to Cambridge and went to what is now a RG university. It made no difference at all to where I ended up work-wise.

Even at a super-selective, the majority of students won't go to Oxbridge. Even all of those with offers won't get in and the grades are very high and there's stressed attached to that. She didn't apply, she's probably having a wobbly moment, but not beyond that. I'm pretty sure this isn't driven by the school who are used to the majority of their students not attending Oxbridge and advising them where else is excellent to go.

Deadhead, I do very much appreciate the educational opportunities I got there - Latin was a particular highlight and something my kids will never have in the same way.
I have mixed feelings about it - my kids don't have anything like the opportunities to excel that I had. Dd is probably brighter than me but I know for a fact she won't get such good grades as I did because even if she is capable, they just don't teach them to get 9s at her school, they tell them to aim for a 7 and if you ask how they can improve the teacher looks at you like you're mad and says 'but 7 is a very good grade!' However. Many people do emerge from CCHS with a feeling they're a failure which can take years to shake off.

Op, it's always a trade off. Your dds will have got a lot out of the school and your job now is to help them see the insane exam result pressure for what it is and make sure they know they can do anything they want.

Primrosie
I know about and understand the adjustment scheme; it's not the same thing as the summer pool.

@PinkShinyFlowers if they were anything like my cohort at university, those 1 and a half hours were to make room for having to spend all day at the library to research and write 2-3 3000 word essays a week.

I worked with someone whose DD got into Oxford. Really excited, parents so proud. By the second year the mother was a nervous wreck, start of every term was a nightmare, days of crying, crying all the way back. She hated it but was to proud to leave. Colleague moved on so not sure how it ended but I felt sorry for them all, the dream turned into a nightmare.

My DD went to one of the uni's your daughter is looking at, she had a great time, although she did get a broken heart at one point which was a term of angst. I couldn't have coped with 3 years of misery, the one term was enough. DD is doing really well in her career, in her first job she worked with someone a year older who went to Cambridge and it didn't seem to make a difference to their prospects.

I think grammar school can give an unrealistic view of the world, maybe your daughter would have been much happier as one of the high achievers in a comp but you will never know.

I hope she is OK.

Super selective grammar oxbridge pressures. Yeah...

BTDTGT - eldest even got a choral scholarship then didn’t get academic offer after interview.

All I can say is she absolutely flew at a lovely RG uni. Choral scholarship fell into place , which she held through 1st degree , masters and the start of a fully funded arts PhD.

She would not have thrived in the same way or be so valued at oxbridge ( prize for the best humanities dept undergrad for instance - the whole dept 😱) and have just graduated her PhD with teaching at 2 unis lined up to keep her going whilst applying for post docs.

Boast pic. Read the badge. Await the book ( phd thesis embargoed pending book deal which is in progress )

Great things are a ahead for your daughter. She has a great selection of unis to choose from.

Do they teach resilience at this Super Selective Grammar?

I had a very similar experience to your DD at a very similar grammar school quite a few years ago; and went to one of the type of unis you mentioned for my undergrad.
If you weren't an oxbridge or medicine candidate at school, you did feel pretty average and left to drift through. It must be really hard if all her friends are going down the oxbridge route. And as a teenager your world is very small.

In the end I went on (in a slightly random manner) to do other post grad degrees including a PhD at 'top' unis where a lot of my cohort had come from Oxbridge. So we all ended up on exactly the same course and you couldn't tell at all the route people had come via at all. In my work place no one cares at all where people got their degrees from.

Ironically my DH wasn't academic at all and is in a very successful job earning multiple times my salary (if seniority or salary are driving factors for your DD!)

Sorry that is a lot of at alls, it's been a long day!

I cried for 20 minutes when i was rejected from Oxford, and then felt nothing but overwhelming relief that i didn't have to go. It would likely have killed me. I went to Warwick, and it was incredible.

I'm not sure that this thread needs all the "I know a drug addict who flunked out of Christchurch" stories. Clearly not Oxbridge isn't a golden ticket to fortune (though imho Oxbridge bias is real in some quarters) and some people don't enjoy it but we don't need to pretend they're not great universities for many of the most acedemically able students (who, being academic types, won't all be measuring the 'success' of their degree by their job titles or earnings!).

TBH I would not indulge my DDs' behaviour. They're not in a school where 50% + of the year goes to Oxbridge, because there are only a handful of those schools and none of them are Essex grammars. Sounds like they're getting an excellent education, and your DD will have received many advantages in her education, including advice and support for her uni applications, which many teens in this country do not receive. She is extremely privileged, and I would be curtailing any tantruming about her not getting into a uni that she didn't even apply to by reminding her of this.

Bath is meant to be a fantastic uni and it’s a beautiful place. This could be the best thing for her! Oxbridge unis are such very hard work, there’s not much time to socialise, the pressure sounds awful. All of this is only my opinion with no experience! My dd is at another uni completely from that list, from the local comp and is loving it!

mainstreet
I think your daughter should focus on her own plans for higher education and avoid comparing herself with others. Whatever she does in life, there will always be others who could be perceived as more successful.

If she compares herself to others to the extent that this is now impacting on her younger sister's choices and aspirations then that's not good.

CCHS have never shown themselves in a great light as far as I am concerned a friend went there and due to presure from school about 50% of her year had eating disorders, she was hospitalised for 6 months.

We all know stories of Oxbridge students - some are great some are not, I have an amazing friend who was one, I work with someone who is an absolute knob with no social skills or graces.

Your daughter will find out things happen for a reason - I ended up at my insurance offer (Surrey) and have never ever regretted it.

Moulsham High or Great Baddow would be amazing options.

I also dnt understand the hoping and likely to get offers - surely all offers are out by now?

Dd was yr 13 last year and by February everyone had every offer (or lack of) apart from IIRC a pal's dd who had yet to hear from Durham?

They may get offers they may not. They may not get the grades for the offers.

One of my most successful friends did the least well at A Level and got a 2.2.

You’ll see her on the TV if you watch BBC news.

It’s not that important.