Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

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DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

@FizzyGreenWater always gives tremendous advice and I’d like to echo those words again.

Please address your contributions and start an IVF nest egg.

I’d also LTB but there you are.

He’s a selfish cock nostril
And you deserve better. (Not as eloquent as fizzy I’m afraid!)

Just seen posting from Mumblechum - she did our wills several years ago (Marlow Wills). Great service and advice, similar to her suggestion above. Lots of favourable reviews online.

Cock nostril Not heard that one before!

Oh op. Just read the whole thread. Dont waste any more time on him.

Also if you do have a child and he becomes a SAHP and you split the chances are he’ll get custody and you’ll have to pay him.

Just think about it.

you can be a mum and live in your own place without him....you're already doing it all.

you can just as easily save for your own mat leave and be able to spend longer with your dc before needing to go back to work - if you weren't paying above and beyond for his lifestyle.

He didn't even consider his dc's future educational/living expenses when he got himself a pay cut....

I am so sorry for your loss. I think your loss has thrown the relationship into sharp relief and that @FizzyGreenWater has given the best advice for your situation. What you want matters. Investing some of your money in freezing your eggs will help you whether or not you stay married to this cocklodging DH. You do need to think about this marriage and whether it is working. He is coming across as a nasty, self-serving and self-obsessed used arsewipe. He needs to make serious changes to his attitude if the relationship is to work. Can he really make those changes? You’re still young enough to meet someone else, or to go it alone.

I don't know what's wrong with him

What's wrong with him is that he doesn't have any respect for your opinion. You are there to comply and to fulfill his needs. As soon as you voice anything non-compliant with this, he has to steamroller over you to get his way. Ultimately it's all about control. It is all about him and his needs. He doesn't care what you think. I'm so sorry if that's hard to hear, but that's what is actions are telling you.

Sorry for your loss.

You'd be crazy to start a family with this man. He doesn't even provide for his 1st dc.

He's deliberately left that for you. He's stepped down from financial commitments in your home too. He'll get worse. Because he shows no respect for you.

What's he spending all his money on? It sounds like you pay for most stuff?

You mention your younger sister. What would you tell her if she was in a relationship like yours?

If he loved you as much as you love him, he would be more supportive.
How old is your car, could you hand it too him or buy a cheap on for a £1000 and say here is your birthday present.
Was think you got yourself a new car by the way, two seater, so he can't borrow it. You sound like you need a pick me up. Your too nice.

Intrested sorry for the loss of your dd

Get your will sorted. We’ve had this in my family. My aunt died leaving my uncle with a mortgage free home and dc. He went on to marry a woman with DC. He sold his house and bought a property with his new wife. she only worked part time and he used the money from his house sale to buy the house.

He passed away leaving no will. She then sold the house, buying a small flat for her self and gave her dc the deposit money to buy their own houses. My uncles kids got nothing.

It’s caused so much upset.

Get what you want on paper.

Like others, I'm not sure I like the sound of this chap. But, regardless, here is what I did

I lived with dp and he had DSS. He paid maints for DSS. Though DSS was with us most of the time.

We owned the house fifty fifty tenants in common. I actually wrote my will to leave him my share as, in the end, that felt right. For the sake of DSS as well as him.

But all my savings went to my preferred beneficiaries, which was my niece and nephew. Any death in serve and pension pots went to n&n.

We took out insurance to pay the mortgage if he died and buy out remaining child maints (so the will could not be challenged by the ex wife). He bequeathed his half of the house to me - I never expected him to do this, I would not have stayed there without him which he knew, so I would sell and I'd have put money in trust for his ds.

His bequeathed his first £20k to DSS and the rest to me (but there was no "rest", there was no £20k! But this was future proofing - he knew I would be more likely to look after DSS financially than his actual mother would).

So:

We would all like our mortgages paid off sooner. I’m in a position to of that but DH isn’t. I’d be more inclined to do that if I’m sure some of what I’ve worked for would go to my family when I die.

Don't pay down the mortgage. I had paid for my half of the house so we only needed a mortgage because do couldn't pay for his, so he paid the mortgage (hence the life cover) though it was in both our names (we had a deed of trust setting this out).
But I used all my money to build up savings. He was useless at saving. So, I had money I could leave to my family in cash, stocks and pensions. I was happy with that.

We have since split up. I bought my own house with no mortgage, immediately did a new will within which ex dss gets 5% of my estate. A few other bequests and n&n get half each of residue.

I also give DSS £12 a week pocket money which I will continue for the two years he is at college.

Mumblechum did my current will. Highly recommended. I recommend her to everyone!

Interested, your post at Sun 09-Feb-20 21:35:46 is horrifying.
This man chose to take a pay cut without consulting you, left a job without consulting you, expected you to keep the bills & his CM paid while he had no income, is an arsehole about the car, expects you to cut your family out of your will in his favour, & to top it all wants you to become pregnant so that he can SAHP. Presumably while you fund everything ... & what happens then, if he decides he still wants your meal ticket but not you? You end up paying him to live without you, but with your child ...

Please make sure your contraception is watertight, & do not ever have a child with this selfish fucker.
He is financially abusing you & you know it.
He is also extrememly emotionally abusive & this -
The fact is when I say no to him he does flip out. We can’t have a reasoned conversation about the money or car. If I don’t agree with someone he says I’m being unreasonable and he won’t listen. He’ll talk or shout over me or walk out of the room when I’m talking (but come back to finish what he’s saying when I’ve stopped).

• is coercive control, pure & simple.

He can’t communicate.
Of course he can.
He holds down a £30k job.
He manages to do that without flipping out, talking over, shouting at or walking away from his colleagues, bosses & clients.
He simply chooses to do it to you, to keep you in line.

I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Maybe it doesn’t matter.
He is an Angry & Controlling Man. Read all about him here - www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf -
& no, a "diagnosis" of what is wrong with him doesn't really matter, what matters is that you recognise that he is a selfish bully who is exploiting you & seeking to exploit your further.

I also do the bulk of the housework. Not sure how that’s fair but it wouldn’t get done (maybe irrelevant)...
Entirely relevant.
& if you & he had another child togther, once he's manipulated you into financing his SAHP & CM, you'd be coming home from work to pick up all the domestic load too. Guaranteed.

I should say we do trust one another. He is mid 40s and I’m mid 30s. He has always assume he’s likely to die first and he would have left evening to me and trusted Id have given a fair share to DSD
Oh, doesn't he talk a pretty talk?
You sound like you would do the decent thing. Please stop believing that this is mutual, & please do not be such a loving fool as to believe he would put anyone but himself first.
He didn't even think about his child before unilaterally deciding to take a lower paid job, or throwing in a job & being without work for a few months.
You don't seriously believe a word he says about money do you OP?
Really? From the man who abuses you so thoroughly, so expertly, that you are expected to provide & pay for a car for him, & gets shitty if you have the temerity to raise the fact that you also might like to use your car when he wants the use of it, so maybe he should pay for his own?
You feel that this is "trust"?
Do you really think this man would be looking out for your family's interest in your share of the assets if you die before him?
If so, please get yourself, & yourself alone, some counselling. I hope this is something you would put funds aside for anyway, you have been managing an appalling load of bereavement grief as well as the stress of his nonsense.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DD .
Please do not allow your grief, or your desire to conceive another child, to cloud your judgement where this man is concerned.
He is abusing you disgracefully, & you need to make an appointment with a solicitor.
And not just to make your Will.

You would be so much better off without him. & as PP above said - you could afford to freeze your eggs, have IVF, be a solo parent ... anything you want really, without his shocking behaviour dragging you down & making you question your right to make rational financial decisions in your own interest.

Please also read & re-read everything @FizzyGreenWater has written on this thread. The longer you stay with this man, the more exposed you are to his financial & emotional abuse, & believe me - it won't get better. It will escalate ... coercive control always does.
Get out before you no longer recognise yourself, & your sister has to wonder what happened to her smart, high-achieving older sibling.

My condolences Op .

The received wisdom after suffering a bereavement is not to make any major or life changing decisions for 2 or 3 years and normally I think this is sound advice, but sometimes the loss and grief highlights things that are wrong or need changing, but we have been ignoring. Suddenly in the aftermath of the terrible grief you can suddenly see things for what they really are. I think this is what is slowly happening to you Op and it is hard as you and this man have lost a child together and you probably feel this should have brought you closer and instead you see his selfish behaviour towards you has not abated, he is not more loving towards you, he wants what he wants and will bully you until he gets it, despite your loss.

I think you know deep down this relationship is bad for you and your well-being. I think you should see a divorce lawyer for some preliminary advice and start making plans to leave. Maybe freeze your eggs to buy you time.

You could have a child via a sperm donor, just think, just you and your child, no entitled husband to pay for and clear up after. Think about what you want your future to look like and then go for it.

I've not read all the thread but understand why you would want to leave your share to your sister, niece and nephew. I think what you want to avoid is everything going to your DH if you died first then the full estate eventually going to his child. As far as I'm aware you could leave your half in trust so that your half of the house etc would go to who you wanted after DH died.
In terms of finances I found it became much easier when we just decided to have a joint account and everything is shared. When I first met DH I earned more than him but that's now changed and he earns £25k more than me. It wouldn't feel right however if he wanted to keep his share even if he contributed more.

But if there was a joint account could her DP be trusted to leave enough to save?

Another person agreeing with @FizzyGreenWater

I’m sorry for the loss of your DD OP .

I wouldn't give this arsehole jack shit... I'd be leaving him asap OP.

So I had typed out a really long post about the arrangements my DH and I have as I am in a similar position to you - 3 step kids, multiple miscarriages, no biological children of my own.

But then my iPad died and I lost the message and I actually read the rest of the thread.

What FizzyGreenWater said. With bells on. Not little fairy bells. About a dozen bells the size of Big Ben.

(Not the first time I have said that - Fizzy speaks sense)

You'll be trapped if you have another child with him. He'll end up as the primary parent if he gets his way and becomes a SAHD. You need to leave him.

Thanks everyone

Well today DH really has just treated me like shit. He said last night he needed the car today for work. When I said something he said “we’ll talk about it later” knowing I was getting in the bath and I would probably go straight to bed and so we wouldn’t speak and then in the morning we don’t really have time to talk. He cooked and washed up and I almost came on saying he is trying! He is doing more housework to be far. This morning I asked if he’d make sure there was diesel in the car when he got back (he has form for using what’s there and then saying he has no money to fill up) and I was getting the “I’m worked up” warning signs from him. I carried on of course, perhaps stupidly, but I know I don’t deserve the response I got. He then banged the car door against the wall, obviously by accident, but I manage to get things in the back without banging the door and it’s just another sign of his carelessness.

(One of my pet peeves is I keep my car nice and clean but he doesn’t look after it in the same way so I’m paying for the car alone and then it’s not even as clean and nice as I keep it. He said what’s the compromise then if you want it clean and I don’t? I said we’ll surely my compromise is letting you use my car for free so he could at least help keep it clean. He said no I’d rather not use it then be beholden to you. I knew that he would still expect to take the car when he wanted it... so of course I was annoyed today when he just got in as normal.)

I mentioned that we hadn’t got to a conclusion about the car and he then shouted / screamed that he would “hoover the fucking car” and carried on shouting at me. He said he’d lick it clean and kicked it. By the time we got to the station he was shouting at me and calling me an “annoying twat”. I wasn’t calling him names. I said he shouldn’t speak to me that way and he said well I shouldn’t speak to him the way I was etc but I knew I was just trying to talk and he was shouting and screaming at me to get out of the car or he’d be taking me to work with him.

I got out as I needed to get to work and honestly I didn’t want to be in the car driving with him. I don’t really see what choice I had. I told him to get out of course but he said no he won’t, he’ll do what he wants and he’ll talk to me how he wants.

I’m sorry this is long but I’m sharing it now because it’s easy for me to gloss over things when it’s calmer and he gets home calmer. He’s got a presentation today and he’s probably stressed about that. He doesn’t handle stress well at all and I see the pattern. I don’t think that makes it ok but I make excuses for him.

It would have been our DD birthday this week so it’s an emotional time but that’s more reason for him not to speak to me this way.

Is there really no way to make him see what he’s doing? I’ve tried everything. Even this morning when we first got in the car I asked why his mood had changed (he was singing this morning) and he said it was because of me. It always is.

Do you know what though? Normally I’d feel shit all day. I still do feel a bit rubbish obviously but not as distraught as I would have in the past. I think I’m used to it!

I’m sorry this thread has turned into something else.

He threw my keys out to me as I got out of the car

I mean he’s just vile.

I can’t believe I married this man.

I don’t feel strong enough to leave in a way but in a way I do. I do feel like I’ve lost my chance to have another child if I leave but I don’t want this life either. I like to think things will change if we have a child, that he’ll be different, but he won’t will he?

He is different when SD is around and wants her to have a perfect home environment but he’s kicked off in front of her too

Is there really no way to make him see what he’s doing? I’ve tried everything. Even this morning when we first got in the car I asked why his mood had changed (he was singing this morning) and he said it was because of me. It always is

He KNOWS what he’s doing. It’s not an accident, he turns on this behaviour to make you do as you are told. You know perfectly well that he was punishing you for not being compliant. He bashed your car door against the wall, kicked it, tried to scare with with his driving and shouted and abused you. You know he will bring the car home without fuel and dirty.

And it IS ‘because of you’ ( in one way ). If you just do everything he wants all of the time and try very hard to please him and organise all of your life to meet his needs them MAYBE things will be fine( for some of the time, at least).

Of course there will still be blow outs as you can’t control everything to make his life perfect. And you will never be good enough, that’s for sure,

Thing is, is that how you want to live for the rest of your life? Is that how you want any child you might have in the future to grow up ?

I know this is a really really hard thing you are doing - to look at your relationship and see it for what it really is ( rather than what it is in your head ). And it’s much much harder for your because of the loss of your only child, your hopes to conceive again and what leaving him would do to those plans.

I know this is HUGE, it’s your whole life.

BTW don’t apologise for the change in direction of the thread - it’s your thread and MNers are here to support you.

I don’t want my life to be like this. It happens too often. I don’t want to put a child through this

But of course I’d love if he’d wake up and change

I’m going to look into freezing my eggs although whether I’d want to have a child alone, I don’t know, and for some reason I doubt I’d meet someone else any time soon