Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

Have you properly dealt with the death of your daughter?

I’m not sure this is a financial matter. Your relationship with your partner and stepdaughter has been fundamentally affected by the death of your daughter.

Hi OP. You can change from joint tenants to tenants in common without the agreement of the other party (I recently did this and have received the new documents from the Land Registry). You can read more and get the documents from:

www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership/change-from-tenants-in-common-to-joint-tenants

I'm inclined to agree with LizzieBananas.

However, I do think it would be sensible to change the house ownership to tenants in common, 50-50 split (that would seem fair to me despite different contributions, as a married couple you are supposed to be an equal team after all). Then you can each write wills allowing the other to stay in the property until they die (or sell it or remarry or whatever) and then specifying who the money would go to after that. In your case it would be your child(ren) if you have any more, if not your family. And in your DH's case it would be his children, currently just his DD (your DSD).

You could look up the rules of intestacy but that's all irrelevant once you make wills (which you should do ASAP).

Should I die first I would want my dh to be able to live in the house until he died. My share in the house would then go to my children and be split equally. If it was the other way around my dh would want me to live here until my death and then split his share amongst the kids according to sharia as he is religious. By doing it this way things would even out between the kids. I intend to give my jewellery to my kids and hopefully grandkids during my lifetime but the bulk will probably go to dd as she is my only daughter at the moment.

I think it is absolutely right for you to seek advice from a solicitor. Whilst you provide for your step daughter whilst she is at your home it is not your responsibility to provide for her future. That is up to her parents. I don't think there is anything cold or cruel about that she has parents more than capable of leaving their assets to her. I would also be looking at how your dh spends his wages and contributes to the household as bringing home £2k a month, while less than yours is not insignificant. I intend to run a car on a lot less than that (when I hopefully pass).

Also, I am sorry for your lossx

Sorry for your loss. I do think you need some proper legal advice because I think it's important that his DD is protected and any future children that you have together (or if you don't, the people whom you want to benefit from you). I do feel for you and actually me and DH have said we wouldn't go on to have children with anyone else should we divorce as everything can get very tricky (often children from the first relationship or marriage come off worse). What are your plans re maternity leave assuming you do have another child, will he be paying more than his 50% share?

OP this really chimed with me The thing is I honestly thing it wouldn’t matter who put in more if he didn’t have a DD before me and maybe if my DD hadn’t died. But because he does have a DD and I don’t, and I don’t know if I will, it is relevant because I’d I die everything goes to him an then to DSD.

If DH didn't already have a child I don't think I'd be too bothered either, maybe because the idea of some future children he doesn't have yet with someone he might meet after I die inheriting my assets feels so hypothetical. But because he does already have a child it feels different somehow even if the end result would be the same (a child that isn't mine inheriting my assets). I don't know why it's different in my head but it just is.

I couldn’t be in a ‘partnership’ like this. If I was your husband this would be very hurtful.

Me and my partner (married this year) have a life together. He works in business and earns a fuck load more than me but I work in public services and save people’s lives. So yeah I could try for a Better paid job but this is my vocation, I don’t think I should be persecuted at home for helping the community. Luckily my oh is lovely.

I think everything is shared in a marriage and so half is his. You should pay more for things if you ourearn him by 20k, obviously he should still contribute.

How contradictory! Sentence 1, half is his in a marriage, Sentence 2, she earns more so she pays more. Looks like Heads I win, Tails you lose.

@Ohffs66 It’s strange isn’t it. I do think of us as a team but i want my family to inherit from me just as anyone probably does

@TheDarkPassenger Do either of you have children? Would you be happy with this arrangement if, after you die, everything you both own went to a relative of his and nothing to your family? That’s what we’re talking about really.

@LizzieBananas You are right. My relationship with DH and DSD has changed because my daughter died. We both share this loss and she was our daughter and we both struggle with it but I’ve lost my only child. I feel like a mother without a child and don’t know whether I’ll ever be a mum again (I do side myself a mum, her mum, but I don’t have any living children)

BUT the financial thing is an issue

My DH does tend to take and want to be a team when it suits him but he’s not so keen to give consistently. His job move to a lower paid job was a decision he made alone. The decision before that to quit previous job he pretty much made alone and I was supporting us for months alone. He thinks it’s his business as we don’t have a full joint account but of course it does affect me as I have to pay for everything he can’t pay for.

Re mat leave. Last time I saved up so that he wouldn’t have to contribute more when I’m in mat leave. I save now so I expect I’d be in a position to do the same if I get pregnant again.

He’s suggested he’d be happy to be the SAHP if we do have another child 😬

@Interestedinothersviews

It won’t let me tag you for some reason.

Yes I have children and a step child also.

"My DH does tend to take and want to be a team when it suits him but he’s not so keen to give consistently. His job move to a lower paid job was a decision he made alone. The decision before that to quit previous job he pretty much made alone and I was supporting us for months alone. He thinks it’s his business as we don’t have a full joint account but of course it does affect me as I have to pay for everything he can’t pay for."

He's selfish, then.

I wonder why his first relationship ended.

Work out how much more you should pay proportionately and see how it compares, as a basis for discussion.

He unilaterally made the decision to take a lower paid job.

He's a team player when it suits him.

You pay half his child maintenance.

He'd like to be a sahp.

How do you feel about that?

I think you have more pressing discussions to have than your will. But agree you should see a solicitor about this.

"I earn £50k and get about £2800 a month after tax and pension etc. He earns £30K and gets about £2k a month (or a bit less?) after tax and pension."

So you're earning 58% and he's earning 42%.

Add up all the joint household expenses:
Mortgage
Council tax, energy, water, phone/internet
Car (all expenses including finance, insurance, road tax, MOT and servicing, petrol)
Home insurance
Groceries
Furniture and other items for house
Renovations and maintenance of house

All of the above should be split 58/42. And ideally paid by standing order from each of you into a joint account to cover it all.

You two have a lot more than wills to sort out!

My DH does tend to take and want to be a team when it suits him but he’s not so keen to give consistently.

Sorry, but the more I read about him, the less I like!

Speak to a solicitor, they will be able to help you.

I know someone , who just went and wrote their will the way they wanted.
Spent years with their DH never agreed on the wills.
He got a shock when she died, but since she left him a life interest in the house nothing he could do.
He was livid to find her pension went to family not him, as did her private savings.
He did remarry, just like she expected and now 15 years after she died the family got half the house, the new wife was not happy either, but I am glad it went how this person wanted, as the husband left nothing to her family.

We've just done our wills. We had a declaration of trust, as tenants in common, as I put in less to the house so if we divorce or die then we each get back what we put in plus 50% of the equity. We each have life interest in the house so we can live here forever or downsize if necessary, but protects against bankruptcy or remarriage. His kids get his share and mine get my share, when we're both dead.
Pensions and insurances have all got expressions of wish so that everyone benefits equally, but any capital goes to the survivor, then the kids, so if we die at the same time or closely then none of our kids lose out.

You don't have to listen to his wishes, just do your own will and leave your family what you want. It's not like you'll be here to listen to him whinging about it.

And they're not set in stone. You should review every few years anyway or if circumstances change.

I don't see the problem in the estate being split 50/50 once you're both dead. Half to your family, half to his.

Not sure if you could get a higher percentage really, what if you don't get promotions or become unemployed soon? He'd be paying everything then. I think 50/50 is fair. His daughter can't have everything but nor can your family.

Why the face about him being the SAHP? Do you think men who are the main earners should feel that way when their wives offer?

Presumably their feelings vary from man to man. How should the OP know what men feel about their wives being sahp?

The face is about her feelings not any other family.

I agree with a PP. The more I hear about him, the less I like him.

Why the face about him being the SAHP? Do you think men who are the main earners should feel that way when their wives offer?

He has a responsibility to pay maintenance to his DD's mother, to jointly financially provide for her. He can't afford to stop working.

That isn't OP's responsibility though she does contribute for her DSD.

I would Amos say with £30K job he can afford to go back to work.

I have mixed feelings about DH being a SAHP. I don’t have any feelings about wives who “offer” to be SAHPs!

He doesn’t like work. Part of me thinks he’d just like to get out of working tbh.

I’ve always been more career focussed but after losing my DD obviously that can change priorities and I’d maybe have liked something such as we both work 3 day weeks and then arrange childcare for one day or something. I wouldn’t have ruled out being a SAHP for a few years. I must admit I don’t put too much thought into it as I don’t assume it will happen and I know we’d manage as we have support etc.

However now that he’s taken a pay cut there is no way I could stop working and be the SAHP. We couldn’t afford the mortgage and bills and a child (let alone CSM for his DD) on his salary. So he’s kind of ruled out that option. I don’t feel I could rely on him to ensure the bills get paid etx if I didn’t work