Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

[Double3xposure]

If I knew how to make abusive men change and become good husbands, I wouldn’t be here on MN. I’d be the richest woman in the world.

What I do know is that if you threaten to leave him, he will say that he change. Because he knows he’s only a good thing. He will promise you the world and you will lose more years of your life waiting for him to deliver on these promises.

You may conceive and then you will be scared to leave because you don’t want to have a child alone. Then you will have to make sure you train your child very very carefully from when they are very young to always put him and his needs first. To minimise the outbursts of anger and the violence.

I fear that if you stay with him and get pregnant, he will get fired or quit his job to become a SAHP. Then you can never leave as he will be the main carer so will get to keep the child in a split .

Sorry.

[AnotherEmma]

Oh, OP. Your updates are upsetting to read

"I like to think things will change if we have a child, that he’ll be different, but he won’t will he?"
No, he won't. In fact, he'll get worse. And it will feel infinitely harder to leave him.

Some reading for you:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Please talk to someone in real life about this. A close friend or relative, GP or counsellor. Someone.

And if and when you feel ready to get advice about leaving, contact Women's Aid (National or local) and the Rights of Women family law helpline. Lots of useful info on the websites too.

[Charley50]

Oh op it's plain and simple abuse. He's a bully. Your understandable desire to try for another child once more is keeping you with him I think.
Personally I would try and get through this week, it's going to emotional being DD's birthday, then seriously start thinking about leaving him. He doesn't seem to have insight into his behaviour or want to change.

[GabriellaMontez]

Is there someone you can talk to in rl?

You may meet someone else, or not. But dont let him have anymore of your precious life and dont get stuck with him by having a child.

Also a divorce lawyer?

And be careful. He sounds greedy and ruthless. If he gets an idea that you may be tired of being his cash cow...

And freeze the eggs! Even if you never use them.

[messolini9]

He said what’s the compromise then if you want it clean and I don’t?

Excuse me?

He has REALLY done a number on you, & on himself. A compromise, over a car he refuses to pay for, let alone fuel up or clean? How about the compromise is he fucks off & buys his own car?

He said no I’d rather not use it then be beholden to you
Classic DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.
Coercive controllers love this one.
See how he makes himself the brave, pathetic little victim, so noble he would rather not use the car his dreadful wife is refusing to "compromise" over?
While asking you to accept the DoubleThink that he is actually using the car just as he likes? This cognitive dissonance is part of what eventually drives the controlled partner round the fucking fruit loop, questioning her own reality & certainly her own motivations.

The "warning signs", the name calling, the screaming at you to get out of (your own!) the car ... he is becoming out of control. Although of course he did some cooking & washing up last night so will probably expect you to be grateful for that small token of normalcy.

Do you know what though? Normally I’d feel shit all day. I still do feel a bit rubbish obviously but not as distraught as I would have in the past.
Maybe now that the scales are falling from your eyes, you are managing to emotionally detach somewhat. You are no longer "in love" with him. You no longer expect consideration, or decency.

I think I’m used to it!
No reason to stay used to it.
Also no reason to believe this terrible, bullying, selfish controlling man is your last chance to conceive.
You surely know that a sperm bank would make a better father than your H?

I’m sorry this thread has turned into something else.
It hasn't, Interested. It truly hasn't.
Some of us recognised your H for what he is from your first post, just from your description of how is is manipulating you over your Will.
Please don't apologise, & please keep posting.
I suspect that you are reaching a crisis point from which he will either crush you entirely, or you will decide that enough is enough, cut your losses & leave.

No need for an sudden movements.
Keep things as peaceful as possible tonight for your own sake. I imagine he will not refer to his disgusting behaviour over the car. "Stress", my arse. You are right - you don't need to make excuses for him. You too are stressed, yet manage not to abuse him.
Keep your head down while you let this new feeling of "not as distraught as usual" settle within you, & find out what emerges within you from it. You are stronger than you know. With help, you will get past this. You are, for goodness sake, only in your late 30's. You have a whole life to lead, preferably free of coercive control & domestic abuse.

Take care Interested ... & if you feel it might help you - PM me.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Oh Interested, I am so sorry - this all sounds a bit like a horror story.

Please, please think about what a PP said - imagine if you have a child with this man, he manipulates his way (by not earning much) to being a SAHD and then you split up and you only see your much longed for child EOW. And pay him for the priveledge!! I mean, it is just so awful.

Please stop trying to conceive for a start. I understand what you are saying about how you love the nice side of him and you can sometimes get on well. But this is what happens in most abusive relationships. They are not horrible all the time.

However, I really hope that this thread has made you look at your relationship in a clearer light.

Please get out now. completely and utterly. A clean break divorce. The man sounds unhinged.

It would be better to have a baby from sperm donation or a ONS than with this man. I wish you luck.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Thank you. You are all very kind. I see myself as a strong woman and hate that I’m actually in an abusice marriage and have allowed it to continue for years. I hate more that I am still not sure I will leave.

I don’t talk to people IRL much as I’m embarrassed tbh in case I don’t leave. I feel like really telling people is the final step. I have a family friend who is like an aunt but also a friend to me and I talk to her. I feel safe because it’s like talking to my mum but without telling my mum who would be horrified he is treating me like this when I am grieving our DD and her only DGD. She would also hate him and again I feel like I’m severing something.

I’ve previously spoken to MIL which probably sounds strange but she’s someone I could talk to without fear of her judging him. I’m not under any illusions that she would take my side but I know she doesn’t agree with his behaviour. His dad seems to be similar though not as bad and so to her it is somewhat normal too and she is of the generation that doesn’t leave their husband as readily as their children might.

Thank you all for the support. I’m ok.

[messolini9]

I told him to get out of course but he said no he won’t, he’ll do what he wants and he’ll talk to me how he wants.
Interested - I am sorry but he is escalating.
This is absolutely unacceptable.
Do you know that just that remark alone is grounds for divorce (unreasonable behaviour)?
Let alone the name calling, the angry posturing designed to scare you back into submission, & don't get me started on his revolting, grasping financial abuse of you.

I like to think things will change if we have a child, that he’ll be different, but he won’t will he?
My dear virtual pal, in this you are completely correct.
He will change if you have a child.
He will ramp up his abuse, he will control you harder, he will use your maternity leave as a chance to bitch about money, he will make you feel terrible even more frequently & he will then look to oust you so that he can SAHP on your dime ... & YOU WILL BE TRAPPED
Even if you don't acceed to his insidious little plan to rob you of even more money through your shared child, YOU WILL BE TRAPPED. It will be harder & harder to escape him, & if you do, you will be bound to him for the 20+ years it takes to raise your child.

I am not creating hysterical projections here dear OP.
DA escalates at every point of further commitment - becoming exclusive, moving in togther, getting engaged, getting married ... & having a baby is the worst one. Fact.

I hope you can keep hold of some of this "less distraught than usual" & stay as calm & hard-headed as you need to over the next few days.
You now know, I think, that the ONLY change your H is capable of is for the worse ..?
No hurry, but start letting your options, & possibilities, & potential for freedom & being treated kindly by others bloom in the privacy of your own head. Give no signals at all that anything has changed with you, to him. Keep your head down & start dreaming of a better life. With support, you can have one.

[mummmy2017]

Your not happy, or you would never have written this post.
First point, he can control his temper, as he works.
Next point, take your car back.
, tell him he has a week to find a car, after that he can walk. You have nothing to lose, he is already an arse. I'd text him that, as he can't shout you down.
Text him as well that if he is always shouting, what is the point of being married.
Unless you are proactive in this relationship, nothing will change.

[Highonpotandused]

But of course I’d love if he’d wake up and change

He will wake up and get worse OP. Why should he change (from his POV)?

Did you put in more for the house deposit?

[InterestedinOthersViews]

I feel ok but I my stomach did just lurch at the thought of the pain of a divorce. But upsets me every day.

This isn’t the first time he has behaved like like this. I do believe he is trying. I think he has a problem managing his anger or stress issue but he won’t do anything about it and expects me to accept it. And I have. He even said to me this morning that I won’t do anything as I’ve said it before and if I do I’d be doing him a favour.

He doesn’t actually mean anything he says. He can’t have a discussion. He flips out if I don’t agree with him and then it’s my fault because I should have known he’d get angry.

He was a bit better when I was pregnant and had DD. I think he does want to be better but he can’t control it. I sound like I’m making excuses. The truth is I’ve tried to talk to him about it many times and he dismisses whag j say.

I am trying to stay even keeled with it and not get too upset. I have gone the other way at times and then been at work unable to do anything because I’m so upset.

[messolini9]

Interested, I know how hard this is.
Please read @Double3xposure's posts again - she is correct in everything she writes.

I’m going to look into freezing my eggs although whether I’d want to have a child alone, I don’t know, and for some reason I doubt I’d meet someone else any time soon
Good for you OP.
Already making those plans, despite your doubts & desipte the shock & despair of H's abusive behaviour this morning.
You don't need to make any decisons right away. But making plans like egg-freezing give you not just future options, the plan-making itself will give you extra strength & hope. Every time you make a plan which is just for you & your benefit you will be strengthening your resolve.

You may find that you start to see things more clearly now.
You may find a lot of sudden insights about the true dynamic of your marriage popping into your head.
You may find yourself feeling ... cooler-headed & more separate from H's antics.
This is all part of the process.
Keep planning. The very act of making plans for yourself will feed all these positive responses to your situation.

As to meeting someone else - well that's simply a 'nice to have if it happens' for now.
Once you emerge from H's batshittery, you will need time for yourself to recover, & freedomprogramme.co.uk/ &/or a course of therapy before you will be even remotely ready to handle another relationship.

Meantime, you will have options (eggs, sperm donor, solo parenthood) so you need not panic about finding a suitable partner. In a couple of years, you will still be under 40?
You have time. What you do not have is freedom, or an acceptable home environment to raise a child in. It's unacceptable for you to live in that home environment either - but one step at a time OP.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

When we met he had a house and I moved into his house so he thinks he’s put in more and feels entitled because of it. He had less than £20K equity in his house and basically tricked me into paying for all of our wedding. He said he’d contribute but didnt. So I paid. When I raise this now he says he didn’t want a wedding 🙄

The car I have, which cost about £15, I bought because his car had packed in and he said it would make more sense for us as a couple for me to buy a new car and give him mine. I didn’t agree but I did it. 2 years ago his (my) car packed in and then he started sharing mine but won’t discuss it so that it works for me. If I try to discuss it he says he doesn’t need my fucking car but then expects it. We’ve had arguments where he’s literally thrown my keys at me in an argument saying he’s never getting in my car again then asks me for the key at the weekend to pick up DSD and days I’m keeping him from his DD if I don’t give him the key.

I have always contributed more to the house and food and paid for the wedding and the car so I think at least matches the £20K equity he has put in. It’s not as if I wouldn’t have had my own deposit for a house.

I think he resents me having anything he doesn’t have.

[mummmy2017]

So is there any equity in the house?
How long have you been married?
Because I think for your MH, if you can walk away, I would in your position.

[itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted]

Your current marital issues aside in answer to your original post I also earn significantly more than DH - I was advised by our wills provider to ensure that my estate/family would be protected if I die (in fact they rang me back after our joint meeting to have a 1-2-1 discussion)

This was before we had kids - obviously things are a bit different now that we do as my share of my estate is left to DD

But this is what they advised

• mortgage to be tenancy in common stipulating 75/25 split as that's what I pay compared to DH

• will clearly stipulates where assets go - DH would get some money but certainly not enough for him to not work for the rest of hjs life. Enough for him to buy out the house if he wished to be mortgage free - which financially makes a big difference to someone's life (legally i believe a will can be contested If you don't make reasonable provision for a spouse)

• clearly states where life insurance payout would go and also death in benefit from work and any pensions - at the time mine was split between family/nieces/nephews

• any family inheritance from say death of parents clearly defined who it would go to - at one point Wills provider suggested setting up a trust to clearly protect this pot of money but we had DC before it got to this point

• jewellery etc clearly described and who it would go to

[messolini9]

Unless you are proactive in this relationship, nothing will change.

@mummmy2017, your post at 09:31:11 is kind, but unfortunately, no matter how proactive OP becomes, she will not change her H.

The only things she can change is herself, & whether she wants to accept being treated at a cash cow, skivvy, & scapegoat to her H's vile behaviour.

That is ALL she can change, except her own attitude.
This isn't a one-off spat, it is a concerted effort by the H to have everything on his own selfish & unpleasant terms, including the lion's share of OP's money.

This H is NOT going to change. Guaranteed.
Everything he did last night & this morning was calculatedly designed to throw OP off balance, keep her there, & keep himself in a position of power & control.
It would not surprise me if he acts wounded tonight, & 'expects' apologetic, ameliorative actions from OP.

[Double3xposure]

He DOESN'T have a problem managing his anger and stress. I know this for several reasons

1. If he has a problem with it , he’d get help.
   
2. He holds down a good job so he doesn’t act like this at work
   
3. He doesn’t have a criminal record ( I assume ) so he doesn’t act like this out in public.
   

The only person who has a problem with how he manages his anger is you. It’s working out very well for him - why on earth should he change ?

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Yes he doesn’t act like this with anyone else and to me that’s a warning sign

I’m always the same but he is so articulate and comes across so well to other people and at home he can’t even communicate with me. He acts like nothing I say makes sense. For a while I sought outside reassurance that I wasn’t being unreasonable constantly but I know now that I am not being unreasonable.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

I think there will be some equity in the house. Not loads and not sure how much. Maybe £50K. We are in the middle of doing it up so hard to say. But I’m the one who has to pay for the work so I feel like not doing it!

[messolini9]

I think he resents me having anything he doesn’t have.

Sure he does, the entitled little shitbag.
He has already manouvred some hefty concessions & reluctant responsibility for what should have been shared costs out of you OP.

No more, OK?
No more of your time, your sanity, your patience, your giving nature, your excuses, your money, or your acceptance that this is how it has to be.

OP your post at 09:43:04 is so sad, showing you with all your hope & generous nature still intact as this monster chips away at you.
He will take everything you have - material, personal, psychological - & it still will never be enough for him.

Please, keep your head down. I know I keep repeating this. But show no change of heart, keep things as smooth as you can on the home from while you adjust to the realisations you are having. But keep planning & - I beg you - read Lundy Bancroft (link upthread, one of my posts). Bancroft will give your insight, self-belief, & a few tactics to help you manage the situation while you consider your options.

[mummmy2017]

Because you say you don't talk to people in RL, your H has no idea your have people to talk to.
Look long and hard this next few days and think if he is worth being with.
MN is great for helping people leave a bad marriage, make 2020 about you.

[messolini9]

I’m always the same but he is so articulate and comes across so well to other people and at home he can’t even communicate with me. He acts like nothing I say makes sense. For a while I sought outside reassurance that I wasn’t being unreasonable constantly but I know now that I am not being unreasonable.

FYI - gaslighting.

[messolini9]

I think there will be some equity in the house. Not loads and not sure how much. Maybe £50K. We are in the middle of doing it up so hard to say. But I’m the one who has to pay for the work so I feel like not doing it!

Only do the work necessary to bring it to selling standard.
Don't put a penny more than you have to into it - no need for luxury fitments, just get the job done to a point where you feel it can be marketing effectively.

Oh - & keep records of what you are spending & have spent.
A good lawyer will ensure that reverts to you when the painful asset-splitting starts.

[mummmy2017]

To be honest your going to pay more to divorce, than if you just walk away without the equity and use your wages to start again, you will get your equity back in the end.
Stop funding anything.
Build up your savings and one day hire a moving van and just get out.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

I would like to keep the house but I don’t know whether that would be possible financially