OP I held off on posting on this because I felt there was almost too much to say.
On reading your updates it's so much simpler.
When we suffer such huge loss, it changes us fundamentally. As a previous poster said, lots of couples don't make it after the death of a child. Supporting one another sometimes simply isn't enough because both people just change, and sometimes there isn't any direction to go in except further apart.
So it's hard enough when there's absolute loving support. When there's not - well.
I was going to post saying that yes I think this is very much about your loss rather than about wills, because your specific circumstances are particularly cruel and almost designed to pull you apart - you have lost your only child, but he's still a parent. He still has that future certainty whereas you have only question marks and grief.
No wonder your instinct is to say - fuck everything going into one pot, your pot looks just fine, mine not so much, and the cherry on top is that I'm the one contributing more while you take more, even though I've lost everything while you still have a child.
I was going to say that that is of course unfair on him, because he has lost your DD too. And that's true.
But your updates cut through all that. He may also be bereaved, but he's also an unpleasant, acquisitive, selfish shit who seems to see you as a meal ticket and has no interest in any kind of mututally supportive, equal relationship with you. There's no 'team', for just the reasons you outline. He'd be the SAHP for what might well be your only baby, after your loss, so you can carry on earning in the style he's become accustomed to? That he'd even say this to a grieving bereaved mum makes me want to smack him.
When you've suffered a tremendous loss, I think one of the ways it changes you is that you can no longer endure having too much taken - taken for a fool, taken for granted, you name it. You've had too much taken from you already to be ok with more taking.
I don't know how long it is since you lost your DD and where you feel you are in the grieving process, but I can say now from hearing what this man is like - do not mistake your feelings here for grief and confusion. Your instincts are crystal clear and have probably risen right to the surface now you have such first-hand experience of how short life can be. He is a horrible man. He is using you. He will try his best to dictate your life to his own advantage and I think that you will look back on staying in a marriage to someone like this and regret it, regret your one precious life.
I think too that you know now that you also don't need him, because nobody really needs someone like this.
This is what I would do.
I would tell him that you have made the same unilateral decision that he made, when he changed job and cut hours and decided that it was ok to put less in the pot. You are deciding the same. You are going to put in 50% of what your joint income was before he changed jobs without discussing it and the rest you are going to put in a savings account in case you need IVF.
You are going to change the deeds to tenants in common.
You are going to make the will you wish to make.
And I would look into freezing your eggs, which he doesn't necessarily need to know about.
And when he attacks you about being a team you tell him exactly what you said upthread. There's no team, there's just him bullying. And it either stops or you're gonna split right fucking now.
Honestly though what I want to tell you to do right now is to take your much better salary, get a flat, move out, sell your house and save that cash from right now for possibly going it alone with IVF.
You're worth so much more and I so want you to be happy 