Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

[InterestedinOthersViews]

I only mentioned SAHP because PP asked about mat leave but all of this is hypothetical as we don’t know if or when I’ll get pregnant again and circumstances could have changed by then but I am quite responsible with money and I save so I wouldn’t rely on him. I’d expect to be able to pay my half of the bills.

[Letseatgrandma]

I’d expect to be able to pay my half of the bills.

This doesn’t really compute with me-on my maternity leaves I earn next to nothing so paid in next to nothing, but I was still fulfilling an important role in the home. We have a joint account and everything goes into that-I paid very little in during mat leave.

[LuaDipa]

I’m very sorry for your loss, but agree with pp, the more I hear about your dh, the less I like. I certainly would not agree to him being sahp. I would also expect him to pick up your share of the bills during your mat leave. He seems like a bit of a cocklodger.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

You should not have a larger share of the family home. If you were to divorce you would not get a bigger share because you had paid in more on account of a higher earned income. Marriage is not about a balance sheet in this way. And the family courts do not see if that way either.

Any assets in your sole name you are free to leave as you wish. But be advised that if your husband is not properly provided for in your will he would have a claim under the Inheritance Act post your death. And as a spouse this claim extends to capital as well as income.

BUT you should absolutely be tenants in common in equal shares of the family home and leave your half to whoever you wish. He can’t prevent that. But he should have a life interest and your will should make it clear that he can “rollover” his interest in another property so he is not tethered to the present house in the event of your early death.

You need the services of a solicitor specialising in probate.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

If I don’t save for mat leave then he can’t afford the bills and CSM and food etc on his salary so I have to provide for my share. He doesn’t save so that there’s money there. When I went on mat leave last time and I paid for my share of everything and then he lost his job and I paid for all our shares of everything! Yes he has been in that position a couple of times. It doesn’t bother him because he knows he can rely on me to pay the bills.

I don’t think I’m being U for wanting to ensure what I’ve worked for goes to my family.

I’ll be honest another way I’ve thought around it is to pay to my younger sibling now an amount every month or open an account in her name then whatever happens I’m giving something to her. I’m a lot older and we have an almost mother daughter relationship. Not quite but it’s different because I’m a lot older (she’s 25).

[FuzzyAtmosphere]

I’m sorry about your DD. I don’t know about your DSD - there are too many questions and unknowns to really be able to make a decision on that.

What I wanted to say was to be aware of how many relationships end after the death of a child. Some people are depressed and struggle to work, others throw themselves into work as an escape. If you do go on to have another child, don’t underestimate how hugely different the pregnancy and subsequent parenting will be for you because of understandable anxiety and (as you say) the knowledge of mortality and also that you know bad things don’t just happen to other people. That ambition might go with another baby and you might not want to leave your child alone for work (which is what happened to me). That could mean a big drop to your income, even if only for a few years.

I would suggest doing a will that your DH is happy enough with for now, that doesn’t compromise your family inheriting (maybe agree 50/50?) and it’s on the basis that you will do another will in a few years and also if you do go on to have another child.

I hope it all works out well for you.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Thanks @FuzzyAtmosphere Yes I think it’s easy to underestimate the effect this sort of loss has. It does cause tension, upset and yes maybe even resentment that he has another DD when I don’t, where previously there was none. It also makes us so aware of our mortality as you say and I just feel I have no real expectations. In some ways it’s made me more grateful for what I have. If I still have my own life and DH and my parents this time next year them I’m lucky because none of that is a given.

You’re right that a lot of marriages end after losing a child. DH and I are not money oriented really. We have a nice house and lots to be thankful for but we have to remind ourselves sometimes not to fall out over nothing just because we’re upset.

Did you lose a child @FuzzyAtmosphere?

[Wonkybanana]

OP I get that the death of a child is traumatic and is going to affect relationships as well as attitudes towards and thoughts about death, but I'm not sure that's the whole story. There are issues here which don't seem to be related.

I was going to ask whose decision it was for him to take a lower paid job, but you've already answered that one and it was the answer I expected. Then there's Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more, plus what you've said about his wanting to share when it benefits him but not the other way round. I suspect you are sensing - consciously or not - that he has turned from seeing you as a partner to seeing you as a meal ticket. And if that's his view, then all the theories about how you'd bequeath assets in a loving partnership become questionable.

I think setting up something specifically for your sister that he can't have a claim on is a good idea. And then you might want to think about putting your joint finances on a less cocklodging basis.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

@Wonkybanana I do feel that things are unfair financially. I get that we should we a team and that people say it doesn’t matter who contributes but if we’re a team then we should both have a say. I feel a bit taken advantage of sometimes and he isn’t able to discuss things properly eg the will conversation I say ok I’ll contribute more but want to discuss what happens to property after we die. He walks out before conversation ends. We discuss sharing the car. Same happens. But he always gets the car when he wants it and I always contribute more to food and bills and everything else because I have no choice seemingly as it all needs to be paid. I don’t know what to do about that really.

[AnotherEmma]

"I’d expect to be able to pay my half of the bills."

But when he resigned from his job and wasn't earning, he stopped contributing to the bills and you paid for everything.

He now expects you to contribute more because you earn more.

So by that logic, when you're on maternity pay, you should contribute less and he should step up and cover more of the bills.

Surely...

(Except that the major flaw in this plan is that you are the one who carries the couple financially, he expects you to pay AT LEAST 50% at all times and for some weird reason you accept this.)

[FuzzyAtmosphere]

Yes @InterestedinOthersViews my daughter died as a baby.

[Highonpotandused]

OP, the more you post, the more I think he isn’t good enough for you. I wouldn’t want a child with him.

[GreenTulips]

I think you need to sit down and work out your current finances and contributions.

His salary less his child support plus yours

Then work out an annual budget - food clothes savings car expenses etc and a percentage each.

A joint account via an app would work best as you can keep an eye on what comes out.

Then you each have spare money to save or buy extras.

You need to clamp down on this because you’ll become resentful.

[monkeymonkey2010]

It sounds to me like he's using you as a cash cow - and probably planned it.

The thing is I am v ambitious and DH isn’t.....He doesn’t like work. Part of me thinks he’d just like to get out of working tbh
Yet he needs someone to pay for his cushy life - and that's you.

His job move to a lower paid job was a decision he made alone. The decision before that to quit previous job he pretty much made alone and I was supporting us for months alone
See? It's all about him and you are there to accommodate it all for him.
The fact that you were moving house and associated expenses - not his problem.....that was intended to be your responsibility the whole time.

He's got you paying for EVERYTHING!
HE chose to lower his income without consulting you, now demands you pay even more and gets emotionally abusive to shut down any communication from you.
Of course he doesn't want a joint account - what for? It's YOUR money/wages that pay for everything....and he deliberately made sure he wouldn't be in a financial position to contribute equally.

He's even got you doing all the housework...again playing passive aggressive knowing you'll end up doing it.

Now he's got a problem with you leaving your assets to anyone other than him.
Even if you have more kids with him he won't pull up his socks...he'll be too used to playing lord of the manor whilst you actually do all the parenting/childcare.
You'll be paying for everything for everyone then too.....

Is this what you signed up for?

[Teateaandmoretea]

I also do the bulk of the housework. Not sure how that’s fair but it wouldn’t get done (maybe irrelevant)...

So you earn more, pay more towards the family, he expects you to leave everything unquestioningly to him if you die. Plus he doesn't pull his weight domestically?

What exactly is equal about this relationship? What do you get out of it? He sounds like a total piss taker to me. As for him being a SAHP he'd play on the X-box and just 'babysit' I predict while you did everything else.

[Mumblechum0]

Haven't read the whole thread, but I'm a willwriter and this is an issue which comes up all the time.

You need to make wills including Life Interest Trusts, which puts your shares in your home into trust, to protect your respective beneficiaries, whilst allowing the survivor of you to remain living in the house until their death or remarriage.

For the trust to take effect, you need to hold it as Tenants in Common, whether that's in equal or unequal shares.

Happy to advise further if you need it.

[Shoxfordian]

He's only happy to be in a team when it means he can benefit and you can't talk to him. Don't have a baby with someone like this

[InterestedinOthersViews]

@FuzzyAtmosphere I’m so sorry.

@Mumblechum0 Thank you. I may take you up on that!

Yes I feel I contribute more generally. I contribute more financially. I contribute more in housework. And he is hard work otherwise.

I do feel like he’s got it all his way. He tells me I’m wrong and not being a team player if I object to anything but his definition of is being a team is that I support him, don’t question it and supply him with things. I didn’t want to share a car actually but he would say I’m keeping him from his DD and be nasty. I wasn’t keeping him from his DD. I just don’t think it’s my responsibility to supply a car. Having said that, we have a car so I can’t say he can’t use it because then I’m a bitch. It’s been two years and he refuses to buy a car but had deliberately taken a pay cut and expects to have a vehicle.

I don’t feel things are fair but I would feel better if I know that after we both go then my family reaps the benefit of all I’ve put in.

[AnotherEmma]

Oh dear. This thread was supposedly about wills when it started, but it's not about wills at all, is it?

Your husband is not a good husband. He sounds quite nasty actually.

I don't know if you've already had counselling after the loss of your DD, but either way perhaps you could get some (more) to discuss your feelings about your marriage and help you decide where to go from here.

I would advise you to put TTC on hold while you take some time to reflect.

[HeckyPeck]

All of the above should be split 58/42

Agree with this poster. If you added up what you contribute and what he contributes to joint bills as well as for furniture and other not monthly costs (not including maintenance) what is the percentage you’re both paying? From what you’ve said I’d imagine you’re paying far more than your share.

I also agree with a PP who said the issues are about more than finances. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and controlling - making you provide him with a car and cover his shortfall when he unilaterally decided to cut his earnings.

[FizzyGreenWater]

OP I held off on posting on this because I felt there was almost too much to say.

On reading your updates it's so much simpler.

When we suffer such huge loss, it changes us fundamentally. As a previous poster said, lots of couples don't make it after the death of a child. Supporting one another sometimes simply isn't enough because both people just change, and sometimes there isn't any direction to go in except further apart.

So it's hard enough when there's absolute loving support. When there's not - well.

I was going to post saying that yes I think this is very much about your loss rather than about wills, because your specific circumstances are particularly cruel and almost designed to pull you apart - you have lost your only child, but he's still a parent. He still has that future certainty whereas you have only question marks and grief.

No wonder your instinct is to say - fuck everything going into one pot, your pot looks just fine, mine not so much, and the cherry on top is that I'm the one contributing more while you take more, even though I've lost everything while you still have a child.

I was going to say that that is of course unfair on him, because he has lost your DD too. And that's true.

But your updates cut through all that. He may also be bereaved, but he's also an unpleasant, acquisitive, selfish shit who seems to see you as a meal ticket and has no interest in any kind of mututally supportive, equal relationship with you. There's no 'team', for just the reasons you outline. He'd be the SAHP for what might well be your only baby, after your loss, so you can carry on earning in the style he's become accustomed to? That he'd even say this to a grieving bereaved mum makes me want to smack him.

When you've suffered a tremendous loss, I think one of the ways it changes you is that you can no longer endure having too much taken - taken for a fool, taken for granted, you name it. You've had too much taken from you already to be ok with more taking.

I don't know how long it is since you lost your DD and where you feel you are in the grieving process, but I can say now from hearing what this man is like - do not mistake your feelings here for grief and confusion. Your instincts are crystal clear and have probably risen right to the surface now you have such first-hand experience of how short life can be. He is a horrible man. He is using you. He will try his best to dictate your life to his own advantage and I think that you will look back on staying in a marriage to someone like this and regret it, regret your one precious life.

I think too that you know now that you also don't need him, because nobody really needs someone like this.

This is what I would do.

I would tell him that you have made the same unilateral decision that he made, when he changed job and cut hours and decided that it was ok to put less in the pot. You are deciding the same. You are going to put in 50% of what your joint income was before he changed jobs without discussing it and the rest you are going to put in a savings account in case you need IVF.

You are going to change the deeds to tenants in common.

You are going to make the will you wish to make.

And I would look into freezing your eggs, which he doesn't necessarily need to know about.

And when he attacks you about being a team you tell him exactly what you said upthread. There's no team, there's just him bullying. And it either stops or you're gonna split right fucking now.

Honestly though what I want to tell you to do right now is to take your much better salary, get a flat, move out, sell your house and save that cash from right now for possibly going it alone with IVF.

You're worth so much more and I so want you to be happy

[HillAreas]

@FizzyGreenWater
Completely agree with every word you just said. I hope that your words help OP gain some clarity.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Also - this is a terrible thing to say, but he is now mid-40s, he has a child... I would not be surprised if at some point (especially if you make it clear to him that you would intend to cut your hours and not be earning the same should you have another child) he says he's done with trying for another baby. Put it this way, he doesn't sound like the kind of man to put you first given the circumstances and put everything into conceiving again if he decided he was ok with the way things are now. It would be about what he wanted, not you, as he sees himself as more important. Don't get to that stage with him - you would honestly be better off alone.

[AnotherEmma]

Wow FizzyGreenWater, excellent post.

[InterestedinOthersViews]

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater

I think much of what you say is true. And I’m sorry if this had been a tremendous drip feed! This was about the will. He was acting like I was being completely U, as he often does if I’m not saying what he wants to hear. But I don’t think I am, not for the most part.

The fact is when I say no to him he does flip out. We can’t have a reasoned conversation about the money or car. If I don’t agree with someone he says I’m being unreasonable and he won’t listen. He’ll talk or shout over me or walk out of the room when I’m talking (but come back to finish what he’s saying when I’ve stopped). He can’t communicate. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Over the years I’ve realised that he has a problem. I don’t know what it is. It’s only a year since we lost DD so it is SO fresh in some ways. However I’m mid to late 30s and I think I am putting up a bit because I so want to be a mum again and I don’t want to miss my chance. I know that sounds pathetic. I do love him too. I live for the good times we have together. We have fun and a laugh and we have sexual chemistry that I’ve never known with anyone else. But regularly (several times a week) I’m upset because of the way he talks to me or doesn’t consider me.

Also the fact that we’re in the year since we lost it our DD and he can still be so nasty bothers me.

I don’t know. Using my money to freeze my eggs isn’t a bad idea though!