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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

427 replies

InterestedinOthersViews · 09/02/2020 10:36

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

OP posts:
Jokie · 20/02/2020 18:20

Be clear and just say it now: no, sorry. It doesn't work for me. You'll have to find another solution and keep it to that. Don't offer to find solutions, offer options.

Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 20/02/2020 18:26

Oh yes he has used it since then. He’s been using the car for 2 years and if I try to discuss he says he’s never getting in it again to end the discussion and then he just acts like that hasnt happened next time he needs the car.

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 21/02/2020 05:17

Stay strong and say he can’t use the car as you’ll need it.

Noconceptofnormal · 21/02/2020 06:28

You need to try and assert yourself and say you are using the car this weekend and he needs to make other arrangements, you need to try and make it clear that you're not going to continue to pay for a car you can use when you want. I know it's hard.

Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 07:55

So he came in this morning and asked what my plans are for the weekend. I told him I plan to go to the gym tomorrow and shopping on Sunday. He then got annoyed that I hadn’t “considered” him. I said he had but he’d asked what my plans are and I told him. I go to my gym classes every Saturday and I need to go shopping on Sunday for something to wear for an event I’m going to this week (as he questioned why I needed to go this weekend which is the weekend he sees SD). He was annoyed I hadn’t told him about event and that he’d asked me earlier in the week etc. It was left that I would ask the friend I’m going shopping with if she can drive. I agreed I would. I am reluctant as I know she is generally a bit hesitant to drive to places she hasn’t been before and I needed to go shopping anyway and just invited her along.

We’ve got in the car to come to work and he’s angry. He was already telling me he was angry. I started to say that it is already annoying for me if I have to change my plans for him... then he stopped me and said don’t change them. It’s a bit like the car thing. If I suggest him using the car bothers me he’ll say he doesn’t want it but then he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 08:04

So anyway it was then left at I didn’t consider him and I should have but he doesn’t want me to change my plans for him (although that’s what he’s asked me to do twice this week, including earlier this morning)... and he angrily drove to us to the station.

I asked him to drive so I could “send an email” (post on mumsnet) because every morning we travel to the train station together in the / my car and he sits in the passenger seat even if he gets in first. It probably wasn’t the day to have that battle but after he’d been having a go, him sitting on the sofa waiting for me to come down stairs, unlock the front door and drive him to the station was too much...

So now I’m not going to ask friend to drive, am I? But he’s going to ask me later if I did and be angry if I didn’t. Even though he’s just said he doesn’t want me to change my plans for him!

It’s one thing he does I don’t quite get: he wants me to do lots but he doesn’t want either of us to acknowledge it.

OP posts:
Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 08:05

The thing is I don’t want to be deliberately difficult and make it harder for him to see DSD but I’m not being deliberately difficult and it’s that thought which usually makes me work around him. It’s so unfair to me that I pay for this car and he refuses to get himself one but then he expects to have the car when he needs it.

But now I’m wondering again whether I’m being a bit of a bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 08:09

He’s gone to get on the train further down the platform. This is not unusual though.

Take your best guesses on what happens next...

Mine is he’s not done persuading me that I should change my plans or that I was wrong not to change my plans. I hate the anxiety of this carrying on. It should have been enough that I said I’d ask friend if she wouldn’t mind driving so he could have the car Sunday. That’s the other thing. It’s not just that I’m using the car both days. He specifically wants it Sunday because I even suggested what if I don’t go to the gym or try to go earlier etc. He claimed he needed the car “all day” but he rarely sets off before 11-12.

OP posts:
DaphneBlake101 · 21/02/2020 08:14

I sympathise with you. It doesn't feel like you're ready to call time on this relationship, which is absolutely your decision. Given this is the current position, why don't you as a couple take the hit and get another car? It doesn't have to be flashy. Perhaps I've missed why this isn't an option but it seems like it would resolve the pressing trigger for arguments and upset. Then you'd have some breathing space to reassess if this is really what you want out of life.

CatsGoPurrrr · 21/02/2020 08:15

Interested, this isn’t going to get better.
He won’t change.
I’ve been in a similar situation. Writing about it, venting about it WILL NOT HELP. In some ways, I found the support people gave me, the kindness, gave me enough of a boost to stay.
The only person who can help, who can get you off of the merry-go-round you are on, is you.
Please leave before you waste anymore of your life on this man.

okiedokieme · 21/02/2020 08:24

I don't understand why you wouldn't want your husband to inherit from you? This is deeper than about £20k salary differential. You resent his dc it sounds too. Consider counselling because this is a slippery slope to splitting up

DaphneBlake101 · 21/02/2020 08:29

Apologies, I see he refuses to get another car. Honestly, if he won't take responsibility for his own transportation, nothing he can say should make you feel guilty - you aren't preventing him from seeing his daughter by using your own car.

Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 08:31

I do want my husband to inherit from me.

Atm I pay for this car we do have. He claims he can’t afford a car. So to get a second car I would be paying for it... we don’t have fully joint accounts. Tbh neither of us does that much so we could manage with one car if we both accept we can’t have the car when we want it. I sometimes don’t have the car because he’s got it. He’s angry because I need it on Saturday and Sunday.

I’m not ready to leave, no. I see lots of reasons why he’s not a great husband but I feel I have to be sure I’m ready to leave. Having said that he’s been ok for a week but it’s times like this, when there is some kind of dispute, where I’ll see if things have moved at all. I have no real reason to think he’s changed.

OP posts:
Troels · 21/02/2020 08:34

Tell your friend that if he asks, she can't drive this weekend. Tell him you are driving. He'll have to change his plans.
Tell him to pack his bags and give you your key back.
He's total cocklodger and you are being a doormat. You can do better, yu deserve better than this.
Change the locks.

Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 08:43

I suppose I’m hoping there’s something there and maybe it causes more problems to see him as a CF than as my husband and try to work together and look at this issue in isolation? But then I don’t know if I’m being incredibly naive because he doesn’t apologise for losing his temper with me...

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 21/02/2020 08:54

But your not working together. Your always at fault , he shuts down any discussions around the car by simply saying he won't use it but does anyway. You are not a team. I feel frustrated reading the last two posts and you agreeing to change your plans as he has led you to believe you haven't considered him. Is it really that difficult for him to get a train to visit his DD? The answer is no but he wants you to succumb. Men like this always have periods where they treat you well for a few days and then go back to normal. I think you need to speak to people in rl as the whole relationship sounds draining

GabriellaMontez · 21/02/2020 10:19

He smokes in your car, bangs the door on the wall, leaves the tank empty. He is disrespectful of your belongings and you.

This is no way to live. I feel anxious just reading it.

Are you saying you get the same train but he gets on a different carriage?

mummmy2017 · 21/02/2020 10:26

Stand your ground.
Text husband, look we only seem to argue because you have no car.
I pay for this car, therefore I get first use.
You could just buy a cheap car and then we wouldn't have this arguement.

messolini9 · 21/02/2020 10:35

But now I’m wondering again whether I’m being a bit of a bitch.

Of course you are not.
You are just so used to facilitating this man that you feel guilty every time he is not getting 100% his own way.
This is why - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

messolini9 · 21/02/2020 10:37

I don't understand why you wouldn't want your husband to inherit from you? This is deeper than about £20k salary differential. You resent his dc it sounds too. Consider counselling because this is a slippery slope to splitting up

Blimey @okiedokieme - have you actually RTFT?
What's with the scolding tone here?

Dontdisturbmenow · 21/02/2020 10:53

You are do not acting like a married couple. You make a point that you earn more and that what you earn or pay for us yours and yours only. Frankly, I would find this very off putting if my oh acted like that.

I can't imagine having just one car but because I pay for it, not being willing to accommodate my oh for things he needs to do. At the same time, it seems that he takes you for granted.

You are not a couple emotionally at all, but actually acting like enemies. It's really not looking good for the future.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 12:41

he's such a manipulative prick OP.. let him cry into his own bank account for his own bloody car... he's treated you appallingly whilst expecting you to pay for everything ... I do wish you would find the strength to leave this cruel cold man..

Original poster
InterestedinOthersViews · 21/02/2020 14:08

Thanks. Yes we got on the same train on different carriages but we often do because DH goes off to buy a ticket or smoke. Then again, he is a bit grumpy like that and is the more likely of the two of us to want to do his own thing.

We always meet up at the end of the platform at the station and have a quick peck before we go out separate ways to work (he gets on another train) and we did that again today but I still don’t know what he’ll be like later. Probably expecting I’ve changed my plans.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 21/02/2020 14:23

Oh ffs people commenting, read the whole thread first!

OP, get the second car key back and don't let him have access to it. Hide it and hide your set from him as well. He is an abusive, manipulative man

We have two cars but we wouldn't dream of just taking the other one's car without asking, first! ( Unless it was an emergency, of course)

billy1966 · 21/02/2020 15:22

OP, lots of great advice on here.

I just want to add that your husband sounds like the nastiest, horror of an excuse of a man.

I hope sincerely some day you find the strength to get away from him and realise you deserve so much better.

Your updates are distressing to read, I can't imagine how hard they must be to live.

The relentless unpleasantness from someone who patently is a horror, who doesn't care for you, and sees you purely as a cash cow.

I understand your apathy in the midst of your grieving. But I hope you will find the strength from somewhere.

Yours is a very sad life to read about.
Flowers