Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

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DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

"I just realised he finished the butter, as he often does, so I couldn’t have toast before I went out and now I’m hungry and hangry) "
Sorry to be light-hearted in what is an incredibly sad thread, but you really need 'back-up' butter. I can't bear the thought of no extra packet of butter in the fridge!

Towards the end of my first marriage, exH became very mean with money. I had to buy all food for the house from my wages (we split mortgage and bills 60/40 in my favour as he earned a third more) and he stopped paying for dinner in restaurants.

I think he decided I was no longer worth feeding but that it was my duty to feed him. All presents stopped too. He would text me at 12.01 am on my birthday to get it out of the way. Then he didn't have to acknowledge me or it for the next 24 hours.

This (or a variation of this) is what awaits you, OP.

So today was a bit weird. He came home from work last night in a foul mood. As usual I showed interest in how he was feeling, asked if I could do anything etc. I’m not sure he really asked about me. Maybe he did. I can’t remember. I went to see my parents and sis. I didn’t ask him to come as I didn’t think he’d be bothered anyway. Later on he said he’s tired.

I got back and he was lying down as usual on the sofa bed and watching something on his phone. I asked if I could have my blanket that his head was on and I’d get him a pillow. He ignored me. I asked if he’s asleep and he said no. So I asked again for the blanked and he kept ignoring me. In the end I rigged on it slightly as if to tell him where it was (as he was ignoring me) and he just shot up and went upstairs as I’d obviously disturbed him. Yes I’m sure it’s annoying I disturbed him but there are lots of cushions and why can’t I actually use any of my own stuff?! Anyway he went upstairs and was snoring within minutes so he must have been tired.

I went to bed later when he was already asleep. This morning he got up early and went out without speaking to me. I called him and he said he’d gone out for a walk and didn’t want to disturb me. I said it was weird he didn’t check if I was awake to say bye. He said I didn’t say bye to him either... but I haven’t gone anywhere yet and I didn’t know he was...

he is noticing you are pulling away so this is designed to bring you back in line and follow his wishes

OP, please be careful, aware and safe. As mentioned below he senses you pulling away so it's likely a pattern of loads of attention then silent treatment (so you wonder what you done to upset him) will begin. He's gaslighting you and messing with your head generally. As the weekend forecast is so grim, maybe consider doing the freedom program online - best £12 you'll ever spend - and order yourself the Lundy Bancroft books. It all beings to come sharply into focus. If your sister was in this relationship, what advice would you give her? You really have got this

I know what advice I’d give and I expect the advice you’ve all given and that my friends and family would say the same... but as I’ve said it’s not about that. It’s easy to say and not as easy to do.

Well we have argued on the phone three times. I hung up the first time as I don’t want to argue. He called back and I hung up again but after arguing for longer. He called again and then it ended a bit better but I still felt shit because I spent my whole drive to the gym battling with him. And that’s what it is. Any conversation with him is a battle.

Unless I’m just being a doormat of course but then I feel like a a doormat.

Just fucking leave him, leave the stress and the drama. Just do it

@interested you're not a doormat. You are grieving for your DD (again, so very sorry for your loss) and the family life you thought you would have - a life you still can have. Sometimes it's easier to just get on with things than constantly argue. As you've noticed, he's always right anyway - so many of us will recognise this. This thread may have taken a turn in a direction you didn't anticipate but here we are. Only you can make the decision which is best for you. What I would say is most definitely stick to your guns and carry out your plan for an account for your family. All money is classed as of the marriage, but your marriage is reasonably short and therefore do not fall for the sunken costs fallacy. You are young & have a lifetime ahead of you. Put yourself first and be 'selfish' - your own needs must take priority now.

I agree with the comments about him sensing the difference. Feels like good advice from Mummacake.

He’s going to give you the silent treatment, make you confused. Make you behave in a living manner again because he’s sensed a shift.

Please do the freedom programme, and keep looking after yourself. Talk to someone. You’ll get there xx

It always is like this when you stand up for yourself.
He thinks your alone, with no one to talk to about him.

Hope you’re okay, OP

I don't know the answer to this question, but if you get your eggs frozen while you are still together, will they become an asset of the marriage that you need his permission to use?

very interesting question... don't tell him you've done it

I don't know the answer to this question, but if you get your eggs frozen while you are still together, will they become an asset of the marriage that you need his permission to use?

Of course not!

How could he possibly stake a claim to part of OP's body, simply by having held a marriage certificate with her? Would she also need 'permission' to get a hair cut, in case her hair is viewed as 'an asset of the marriage'?

Knobjockey are you thinking of frozen embryos?

We're talking about unfertilised eggs here.

Glad to hear it, I was just thinking of those random TV show episodes where a split couple end up fighting over the right to use them!

Interested, I've just RTFT for the first time. I wanted to say first and foremost that I feel deeply sorry and sad for you for the loss of your daughter. That pain must be intense and overwhelming.

I can't advise you as so many have here, but I'd encourage you to listen thoughtfully (which I think you are doing anyway).

I say that because the thought of you being 80 one day with a life dominated by this appalls me.

You seem to be aware it wouldn't be wise to have a child with him. You've alluded to his treatment of his own DD. It will be the same with your child. But even if it's not, do you really want your child's life experience of relationships to be shaped by witnessing their father treat their mother with derision and contempt on a daily basis?

I also hope you can really believe that it can be different for you. The car thing made my jaw drop. In a million years, my DH would never EVER do that to me. He has never shouted at me with aggression in his eyes in over 20 years of a relationship. The idea he would ever break anything precious of mine - let alone something I bought for one of our DCs - is simply unthinkable.

I also want you to know I had multiple MCs before I had DC1. My DH was ripped apart by them - for the children we didn't have but mostly for ME. For ME. He cherished me, loved me, cried with me. He got me through it. He was aware all the time of the physical and mental toll on me, for my heartbreak. The thought that the anniversary of a child born could come without him responding to the depth of emotion for both of us is incomprehensible.

I don't think my DH is exceptional. I think he is a bog-standard loving husband. What you're experiencing is so far from reasonable and normal I just don't know how to put it into words. You deserve so much more. You deserve a NORMAL loving relationship. My DD asked my DH once what the best day of his life was ( he was unaware I was in the room next door). He told her he had three best days: 'the day I married your mother and the days you two were born'. And he's not even remotely romantic.

Finally - given my history of MCs - I am so aware that time is a massive stressor. But, especially if you freeze your eggs, it isn't necessarily definitively all over either. I eventually had DC1 at 40, and DC2 at 43 - without IVF.

Like I was, you seem painfully aware that you may not have children of your own. You can feel that, but you don't know that. My age weighed heavily on me and I knew I was only getting older. So the painful fact is that only one thing is for certain: the longer you stay with this man, the less likely you will be to have children with a wonderful man who loves you and cherishes you and treats you and your children with respect.

With all my heart, I wish you well. If you take anything from my small offering here, I hope it is a belief that life can be so much better and that you deserve it to be better.

Hi thanks for the comments. I’m ok thanks. I’ve been a bit preoccupied with it being DD’s birthday and very busy at work. I feel exhausted tbh.

DH and I have been ok. The weekend was very calm and we had a nice time together.

He has been doing all the cooking and washing up. He seems to have taken on board what I said about how I feel I put in so much - I contribute more financially and then do all of the house work. He is now cooking and washing up and tbh it makes a big difference that I can relax on an evening.

I’m not thinking this erases everything I’ve said or that he does but I do feel a bit better. I’d be surprised if it lasted and everything were fine now.

He still seems like he is not far from snapping at any moment. He’s done it a couple of times already and I’ve just ignored it and then he’s been ok 2 mins later.

Re freezing eggs I wouldn’t have thought they had anything to do with him. Embryos would be different if with his sperm obviously. I haven’t spoken to someone about it but I will.

I haven’t meant to disappear. I appreciate all of the support and advice I’ve received. I’m just so tired. I went to the GP this week as by about 4pm at work I have no energy. It could be the grief and stress so I’m trying to take it a bit easier.

OP, first off, I'm so sorry for your loss, for your little girl and for you. It must be so tough for you around birthdays, you are keeping her memory alive though and it show how loving you are.

I echo the majority on here in saying that he seems terrible and it's very unlikely he will change and as a PP said, imagine you, in your elder years after a lifetime battling that behaviour, you will be so worn down and I pity any kids you would have.

I see that you've had a battering for the perception that you resent paying more, but it so clear that it's about not playing a part in any shared decisions and always being the one to pick up the slack often to your detriment, knowing that there is no soft landing, emotional or financial for you.

I completely appreciate that you can't just say, thanks for all the advice, I've broken up with him now...at the same time do try to work through, maybe with that counselling, with a solicitor, with a financial advisor, the practical steps it would take to do that, how it would work. Try it on for size. e.g. could you afford to buy him out by taking a longer mortgage, based on a valuation from a surveyor you both agree on or average of two valuations? If you are armed with knowledge it might make those steps easier.

I have some experience of these behaviours. As you are now challenging him and pushing back, it's likely that he will jump to good behaviour from time to time which will really confuse you and make you think it can work. Your posts already show that he's occasionally making dinner etc. At these times, try to bear in mind past behaviour too.

You deserve so much more. Get out now while you are still young.

Well he has been on this week but always a bit moody. He has asked what my plans for the weekend are as he wants the (my) car to see DSD. I told him what my plans are for Saturday and for Sunday. I should say it’s rare I have plans on both days and there are times when he uses the car on both days. His response was can I do both things on one day. I said I’d think about it but I can’t really as one is the gym and the other is shopping and lunch with a friend. I don’t really want a rushed day. Let’s see how he reacts if I say that...

He sometimes meets DSD in our local city. She gets the train as she’s old enough but he always makes a drama about how it takes him four hours on the train. It doesn’t. It’s 20 min train journey to meet somewhere central or a about an hour (total) to go to her house.

It’s really not my fault he hasn’t got a car! Let’s not stress. I’m anxious though at the thought of him asking me. Worse, not asking me, and then making out I’ve ruined his plans.

He said he wouldn't use the car again! What a knob. He clearly has zero interest in keeping his promises.