Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

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DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

You just need to divorce him and then he won't be able to bleed you dry any more

I would trust my sister but if he didn’t know about the account then could he still get to it? And surely only half would ever be his?

I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d do this right now but it’s something I have thought about

Op, can I politely suggest that you stop confiding in your MIL. I’m sure that she’s a lovely person and It’s good that you get on so well.

But ultimately her loyalty will always be to her son, however much she cares for you. You are putting her in a difficult position, expecting her to take your side. She might also feel that you are telling her so she can put pressure on him to act differently.

And I fear it will come back to bite you. As soon as it’s clear that you and he will be splitting up, she may use your confidences against you.

Please confide in your own family and friends.

I’d also advise you to stop threatening your husband with divorce. If you want to separate ( which is what I would do in your situation ) , then get legal advice and put all your plans in place. Then, tell your husband what you will be doing.

He’s NOT going to agree. He’s NOT going to split up amicably , I can tell you that now. He’s going to play every single dirty trick in the book.

He will tell you he hates you, blacken your name to everyone he knows, tell you he’s never loved you and the next minute threaten to kill himself. He’ll accuse you of cheating or being mentally ill.

So please don’t kid yourself that you can do this nicely And fairly and that you will stay friends. You can’t and it won’t.

Stop discussing it with him. Be very clear in your own mind what you want. Get counselling or talk it over in detail with a trusted and practical friend. Then get legal advice and act upon it.

Get all your ducks in a row and then act.

I don’t talk to MIL any more. I used to and then realised we were too far down the line because of course his loyalty is with him and also she can’t help. I used to hope she’d speak to him or something but I know he won’t listen to anyone who isn’t agreeing with him anyway.

I also know I shouldn’t threaten divorce. Neither of us should. I mentioned it this week as that’s how I felt and I’ve mentioned it before when I thought it might make him take note but it doesn’t.

I don’t feel I have anyone else to confide in though. My sister is much younger and we don’t have that kind of relationship probably because of the age gap and I was always almost like a parent to her (hence I talk about providing for her or her children in my will especially if I don’t have children) and my mum just cant handle it. She gets stressed and says “well what can I do?” She’s not a very reasoned person whereas MIL is. My mum will either decide I’m wrong or he’s wrong and the spot and say so rather than realising I sometimes just need to talk. Since our daughter died she often texts me asking how I am but she can’t really handle anything other than “I’m fine” and luckily that’s usually all I give. I’ve been embarrassed to tell friends.

I know he’d bad mouth me to everyone. I’ve said that above. He’ll be very select about what he tells people and I am already sure what it will be. She didn’t care for DSD. She didn’t want to share. She wanted my money (yes he has said that to me - what moeny exactly??)

I know now if I’m serious I just need to get things in order and not tell him. He has told me in arguments he is saving up to leave me!! Is he? Is that why he has no money? I don’t think it’s true because he’s keen on a joint account too and then he wouldn’t be able to hide anything but then neither would I!

About feeling you don't have anyone you can talk to properly. This is why is suggested counselling quite a few pages back. It really is helpful.

Keen to spend your money, from a joint account. This man is nasty.
He really has done a number on you

Don’t open a joint account.

If you do he could still have his own account and just use more of your money saying he doesn’t have enough money to contribute to the joint account.

Also a joint account leaves you open to the possibility of him creating debt in your name, he could go into your overdraft, get a debit card and just keep spending.

Don’t do it

Why can't you just gift money to your sister? He can't claim half of it, if you've gifted it, as long as you don't give a lot of your money away in an attempt to deprive the marital assets in divorce. But one is allowed to make gifts!

"as long as you don't give a lot of your money away in an attempt to deprive the marital assets in divorce."

But that's exactly what OP would be doing.
I think it would be silly to start messing around with money before getting proper legal advice.

We have a joint account for bills but not a fully joint account, which is what he thinks we should have

He wants a joint account. He makes out he is traditional and we should have a joint account as that might be what our parents had and he also thinks you don’t walk away from a marriage (I’m sure that’s only as long as it suits him).

Having spoken to friends it’s not “the norm” necessarily to have a fully joint account. Many of my friends have their own accounts or if they have joint accounts they pay themselves an allowance from them. I was more inclined to do that (not now but in the past) than a fully joint account eg £5k goes into JA. Bills etc come out of it (about £2k) and then we get an amount each, maybe £750, that we spend as we wish. He argued about that as he said CMS payments should come out of the JA and not his share whereas I disagreed but argued he’d still be better off as he currently claims to be just about able to pay the bills and then has no money left for food or anything!

Anyway we are clearly not in that place!

Yes I will take advice re money but it wasn’t so much putting it aside for divorce but just making sure everything I earn isn’t in this house as he would never agree to me having a bigger share for inheritance but he waited til we were married to decide to take a pay cut etc. It’s all calculated. He completely relies on me but I can’t rely on him.

I think you get the picture

You know he's calculated and grasping but you still want him, OP, why? If you have another child with him and he becomes a SAHP, and then you split, he will be the resident parent and you will have to pay him CM. Make a break now.

And no, me and DH don't have a fully joint account. He earns more but is spendthrift, I wouldn't want to share an account with him.

I know. As much as I want a child I don’t want one with him and then have to give the child to him if we split. But then considering he has an anger problem I would challenge that in the courts if it ever came to that! What kind of judge would order that?!

Not that I’m arguing to stay but I have thought of that.

It’s actually very hard to leave because I do love him even though I know he is not very nice to me a lot of the time.

You do realise that there are physically abusive men who have murdered their children because courts have allowed them unsupervised access?

If you have another child with this piece of shit and then leave him he will get contact.

OP, are you confident that you could prove the anger problem? I don't think it would carry much weight unless you could conclusively prove it was impacting your child, which is very difficult.

I don't believe you can love someone who is not very nice to you a lot of the time. Call it infatuation, co-dependency, trauma bonding etc but I don't think it's love. Or else you're convinced that he is the best you can do. What is your self-esteem like?

I don’t know why I love him or think I love him because I know there isn’t much I like about him!

I have posted on MN before and other forums about what he can be like including how he has been around his own child. I have recordings of his outbursts. I called the police once because he wouldn’t let me out of the car (he speeds sometimes if we’re in the car and there’s an argument - it’s like “I’ll do this until you shut up”). I put the phone down before they answered but apparently they heard him say something like “Don’t you dare call them” and they came to meet me. I didn’t say anything but it’s on record.

This all makes me sound so silly as to why I’m still with him.

I’m not saying I will have a child with him but I’m also not saying I feel I can leave. I’m not sure what my self esteem is like. In some ways great and in others not at all! My mother was v similar to him when I lived at home, which is probably why I didn’t realise his behaviour was so wrong and married him anyway.

I do think that if I were ever in the position that I had a child then I’d persuade a judge he shouldn’t have the child but hopefully it won’t come to that.

The longer I have been with him the more broken and dependent on him I feel. He doesn’t bring out the best in me. I just feel I’ve been with him for so long as the idea of being without him almost seems impossible to imagine.

"I do think that if I were ever in the position that I had a child then I’d persuade a judge he shouldn’t have the child"

You are spectacularly naive.

I hope you follow the advice on this thread to read Lundy Bancroft, get counselling and get legal advice sooner rather than later.

Failing that, I'm sorry but I really hope he doesn't get you pregnant.

YANBU OP but in practice, in my family, the step-partner has trousered the lot when inheriting from my grandparents etc. We have been left with nothing from family money. So if there is any way you can ring-fence your share of your property, I would try to do it.

Sorry I now see that the thread has moved on way beyond the OP.

@AnotherEmma No I’m not naive. You re being judged. I just said I don’t believe a judge would ignore that BUT I am not saying that I think I should have a child with him. Why are you acting like I am saying I’m planning that? I’m just saying it occurred to me and that’s what I think.

@echobench what do you mean by “step partner”?

Honestly I am struggling at the moment and I am very frustrated with my husband. I don’t want a marriage like this and I’m realising it’s not going to change not matter what I do so the only option is to leave but I’m sorry if I don’t have it in me to go “ok thanks for the advice I left today and I feel great”

And yes @AnotherEmma I know you suggested counselling a few pages back and guess what?! I actually went to the gp today and got some counselling numbers. I didn’t mention what is going on at home but just generally and given it’s a year since I lost DD and she gave me some numbers, noting they are not bereavement specific.

I had a police witness statement a non molestation order and letter from school from head teacher and SENCO and paediatrician stating the children were terrified and negatively affected by ex and ex still got contact.

Because I didn’t have proof he had physically hurt them.

Social services wouldn’t get involved past ensuring he wasn’t in the house as it was a court case and as he was no longer in the house the dc weren’t considered at risk.

It took me years and £££ before I got a judge specialising in DV, who stopped direct contact.

He had direct contact for years prior to that, my dc still carry the emotional scars from it.

Don’t assume logic will prevail in court. Or that your ‘proof’ will be sufficient.

Ex was very abusive, the last time before we broke up I was watching ex being taken into police custody, and I felt desperately sorry for him, had he turned to me and apologised I’d still be married to him!

I think for me at the time, it was a case of better the devil you know.

I got divorced however, pulled my life together. And spent a long time just building my world with my dc.
I met DP in my late thirties and my older dc are thriving, DP and I have now got two more dc together (despite the fact I had some really awful fertility problems and a very very traumatic missed miscarriage), and we’re getting married later this year.

I do not regret for a second getting divorced.

I do wish I’d left sooner.