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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to be worried about the future with OH?

84 replies

Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 00:29

Hi guys. So me and OH live together and have been together for 3 years but we have only lived together since October.. we are engaged and i am due on the 7th of March, he has epilepsy and had a seizure on new years eve and lost his license for another year, he was due to get his license back on the 5th of February and had a driving job lined up. Which obviously he cant do any more.. but he told me hes going to wait now until he can drive again to get a delivering job.. (also his epilepsy isnt bad it is triggered by to much alcohol which stupidly he drank to much the night before and that's why he took one) so he is kind of beating himself up a bit To. But this is my AIBU... I am worried that we will fight more with a new baby and he will be round the house to much and we will spend to much time together, as we will both be tired being up all night with baby etc,is it unreasonable that I would rather him go back to work a few weeks after I have the baby?? Even if its somewhere 2 days a week, I just know that even now when we spend to much time together we do each others heads in, also he relys on me a lot as he cant drive at the minute so it's mostly me taking him places or picking up his daughter at the weekend and sometimes I drop her home the next day or sometimes my OH mum leaves her home, I have said to him i cant really run him here and there when the baby is here.. there is a bus stop right outside our front. What's other peoples opinions would there OH do there head in if they didnt work for a year??

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 09/02/2020 02:11

Have I understood you correctly -
Just before he was able to get his driving licence back, he got drunk enough to have a fit so has to wait another year.
He refuses to work.
He demands you drive him everywhere.

Honestly, this doesn't sound good. Are you sure you want to marry this man?

CSIblonde · 09/02/2020 02:20

Is he deliberately sabotaging his chance of driving jobs? Why can't he do other jobs, factory work, road maintenanance, retail, gardening etc (I assume he's no other skills or you'd mention them) . He doesn't sound very interested in working tbh. Do you work or plan to return to work at some point? Do you want a future with someone you'll always be propping up money wise?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2020 02:36

There are millions of jobs that don't involve driving. Tell him to do one of those.

OlaEliza · 09/02/2020 02:47

Sounds like deliberate shirking to me.

ButtonandPickle19 · 09/02/2020 02:56

YABU to consider marrying a man who refuses to work for a year ever. I’m guessing you’ll be on maternity leave, that pay won’t cover your bills so how would you afford to live unless he works? He won’t be unfit for ANY work, just driving and heavy machinery

DianaT1969 · 09/02/2020 05:03

Your OP didn't mention your frustration that he isn't working in other, non-driving jobs? Did he not work all of last year either? Did you plan a pregnancy with a man who doesn't want to work? 😕

stuckinthemiddlewithtwats · 09/02/2020 05:08

My exh had epilepsy and couldn't drive - guess what, he still had a full time job and didn't expect being ferried around.

Tell him to go and get a job NOW.

Mintjulia · 09/02/2020 05:15

Why would you be tired if you plan for there to be two of you home full time? You can take it in turns to have eight hours uninterrupted sleep!

Tell your dp to go and get a job. What sort of man can’t be bothered to provide for his family?

Travis1 · 09/02/2020 05:17

So how is he going to support himself and contribute to the household/your child for the next year? Has he not worked at all in the last year?

Yanbu but I don’t know why you would move in with someone who was not self sufficient at the time?

Mintjulia · 09/02/2020 05:18

And he already has a child, who he presumably isn’t supporting either!

You need to stop driving him anywhere. Tell him to walk. What does he do all day?

Ponoka7 · 09/02/2020 05:29

So you've started living together because of the pregnancy?

It's a nice idea, but doesn't always work. It's been less than six months and you are already 'doing each others head in', perhaps you aren't compatible?

Does he pull his weight around the house? Do you think he'll be a hands on dad? There's no need for both of you to be tired with a newborn, if he isn't working, you should be taking turns.

He should be looking for other work. Stop giving him unnecessary lifts. Picking his daughter up in bad weather etc is obviously fine, but he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 05:32

No you're not. Lots of people who have epilepsy work. By choosing one job he can't do out of many, many that can, he's found a way of opting out.

I've no idea how benefits assessments go but I'd be amazed if they didn't point this out. He sounds bone idle to me.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 05:37

Hang on, how will finances work?

My dp doesnt drive but still works. Usually. However, he was made redundant late last year. His pay off was enough to get some work dont on the house. We also decided he is going to stay off work for a bit. We can afford it, he is having an operation in 8 weeks. So it made sense for him to get the stuff done in the house and have his operation and recover. We also rescued a puppy (we already fostered dogs). The puppy will be old enough for a dog Walker on the 2 days a week we are are out of the house and I can come back once on those days.

It's worked out perfectly for us. I am also decent earner. It's quite nice having dinner made, washing done and the house sorted when I get home from work.

I am 100% confident that he will go straight back to work after his operation. His job isnt one that's difficult to get another.

I am also confident that if it was the other way round he would be fully supportive of me taking a break.

That being said, I get the impression this isnt the set up you have.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 05:38

Oh and my 62 year old mother has epilepsy and works. So that's just bollocks

Weffiepops · 09/02/2020 05:38

Oh OP why are you bothering with him, he will only get worse you know? And as the years roll by you will become more and more resentful, get out now

BiblioX · 09/02/2020 05:46

A caring, decent partner and father tries their hardest to provide. After a decade of working in one field my DH had to change to another that made him incredibly uncomfortable at first, he worked 70-80 hours a week and would at times come home and cry on me...we had a baby at the time too. He considers it his duty to provide for his dependents, I’m intrigued as to why yours does not! Oh and he also doesn’t drive, doesn’t use me as a free taxi either. It’s a case of respect.
You all deserve more.

springydaff · 09/02/2020 06:20

What are you living on financially??

CJsGoldfish · 09/02/2020 06:30

Obviously it wasn't that long ago that you decided he'd be a good enough father. I doubt he's 'changed' that much since then.

Ditch him, don't ditch him. Either way you're tied to him for life now.

SoloMummy · 09/02/2020 06:32

How is he planning to live for the next year with no income and a second child?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2020 06:38

When my dh was managed out and given a good pay off, he spent the majority of his time looking for a new job. It took him a few months as he wanted something rewarding and commensurate with his age and experience. This is what a good provider does.

I get the impression your oh doesn’t have much career experience and therefore should be taking a job, any job. The only criteria being he needs to be able to get there himself.

He is already willing to provide sweet fa to his existing child. Why do you think it will be any different for your child and you? Don’t marry him. He is a waste of space. My friend’s dh doesn’t drive due to epilepsy. He still manages to work unsociable hours full time.

FenellaVelour · 09/02/2020 07:00

How do you think people who don’t drive manage? My husband works full time, he walks into town and gets the bus every day. I couldn’t be arsed with someone who was so lazy. He’s using his health as an excuse, but with a baby on the way he needs to try to get a job, any job he is able to do.

I know it’s done now, and I know it might not have been planned (I hope it wasn’t, actually) but I really do wonder about people who get pregnant in such crap circumstances. If it was planned, it’s bloody irresponsible.

IndianaMoleWoman · 09/02/2020 07:09

Where did you both live before you moved in together? Who moved in with who, or did you get a new place? Just wondering how easy it will be to get rid of him or will he play the “no place to go” card.

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 07:46

Penny, I do feel sorry for you, what a dilemma.

To be honest your man doesn't sound reliable to me unless there are other issues that you don't know about. I'm really sorry you are living together and having a child - plus you say he already has a child from previous.

Don't marry yet, wait and see how things pan out once your baby arrives but do all you can to ensure security for yourself and your child. If fiance continues to be feckless about employment (as if driving is the only thing he can do ), you may find the relationship too difficult to continue. You deserve some peace and support from a partner so look after yourself and your child as priority.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/02/2020 07:50

Wow, definitely don’t get married. He needs to go and get himself a non-driving job to support you and his children. How does he support his other child?

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/02/2020 07:52

The other option would be you going back to work after a few months and him being a stay at home dad. Would that work?

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