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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be worried about the future with OH?

84 replies

Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 00:29

Hi guys. So me and OH live together and have been together for 3 years but we have only lived together since October.. we are engaged and i am due on the 7th of March, he has epilepsy and had a seizure on new years eve and lost his license for another year, he was due to get his license back on the 5th of February and had a driving job lined up. Which obviously he cant do any more.. but he told me hes going to wait now until he can drive again to get a delivering job.. (also his epilepsy isnt bad it is triggered by to much alcohol which stupidly he drank to much the night before and that's why he took one) so he is kind of beating himself up a bit To. But this is my AIBU... I am worried that we will fight more with a new baby and he will be round the house to much and we will spend to much time together, as we will both be tired being up all night with baby etc,is it unreasonable that I would rather him go back to work a few weeks after I have the baby?? Even if its somewhere 2 days a week, I just know that even now when we spend to much time together we do each others heads in, also he relys on me a lot as he cant drive at the minute so it's mostly me taking him places or picking up his daughter at the weekend and sometimes I drop her home the next day or sometimes my OH mum leaves her home, I have said to him i cant really run him here and there when the baby is here.. there is a bus stop right outside our front. What's other peoples opinions would there OH do there head in if they didnt work for a year??

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 09/02/2020 07:53

My friend was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. He was gutted to lose his licence. He gets one of those bus thingys to work. You know, where someone else drives.

AlwaysCheddar · 09/02/2020 07:54

He needs to grow the hell up.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 09/02/2020 07:56

As an aside, make sure the baby has your last name. You can always change it later if you get married.
It doesn't sound good that he has no intention of getting a job. Don't give him all the power too. Sadly so many men are very good at grooming women to willingly hand over their power with the promise of marriage and general future faking.

PooWillyBumBum · 09/02/2020 07:57

My DH doesn’t drive (he is partially sighted). He takes a train, currently travels 3 hours a day(!), to a well paid office job to support our family. Why does he need to drive to work!?

I think your issues are larger than having him hang around the house.

mistermagpie · 09/02/2020 08:02

What? I didn't drive for about the first four years of my marriage (loads of people don't drive for all sorts of reasons!) and still had a full time job. There is public transport, has he heard of that? He is being lazy and workshy and using him medical condition as an excuse. There are literally hundreds of jobs that don't require driving.

I'm always a bit confused a out these relationships where people are afraid to be together for large chucks of time. My DH has taken three months off work (shared parental leave) every time we have had a child, we've got three, and we've had a blast each time. We actually like each other and so we enjoy spending time together. The concept that I would not want him at home because he 'does my head in' makes no sense to me. Why would you be in a relationship with someone who does your head in!

It's too late now of course, you're pregnant. But I would insist he gets a job, any job, and if he won't then he'll have to do all the childcare and you go back to work. Unless you can both live on maternity pay?

Yeahnah2020 · 09/02/2020 08:03

Tell him to get a different job. There’s no need for him to drive. He can take a train to work , then work in an office.

SlippersAndThePaper · 09/02/2020 08:10

You aren’t going to want to be driving him around with a newborn baby!

Plenty of jobs don’t involve driving. Tell him to look for one of those and stop being so lazy.

Bargain0ftday4267 · 09/02/2020 08:13

Not being able to drive is not an excuse to work !
Before I had a car I walked, cycled or caught the bus
At one point, I had 2 jobs and walked to the second job

Is he claiming any benefits now, what is he currently living on ?
If he is in UK, he will need 35 years of National Insurance contributions to claim a full state pension. Benefits pay the NI, if he is not working.

AdultHumanFemale · 09/02/2020 08:13

Just chiming in with what others are saying, and also that I really feel for you.
You are in trouble if you are already worried about spending too much time together. Any chance you could cut your losses and separate before your baby is born? Parenting on your own will be hard work, but nowhere near as hard, frustrating and disappointing as trying to do it with a man whose actions are showing you who is (irrespective of what he may be saying), especially when these actions indicate holding you in such poor regard Flowers

MsMarple · 09/02/2020 08:24

OP please ignore the PP suggestions of going back to work early and leaving him with the baby. If he is too lazy to look for a job, or even to get a bus anywhere, and irresponsible enough to get drunk when he knows it will trigger his epilepsy, I seriously doubt that he will make a good job of providing a caring and stimulating life for your child!
Do you think that this is what he’s been angling for though?
Your maternity leave will feel short enough as it is, please don’t be pressured to give up any of your precious time with your baby.

RhymingRabbit3 · 09/02/2020 08:28

There are a lot of issues here and the combination of them would lead me to think this relationship isnt going to work

  1. He isnt working or even looking for a job for a year. He cant be bothered to work, to support his existing child or the one he is about to have. As others have said, plenty of job dont require driving.
  1. You dont get on. You already fight and yes you will definitely fight more with a newborn baby around. He "does your head in" even though you've only lived together 4 months.
  1. He expects you to run around after his daughter. He isnt stepping up as a father to her, it doesn't bode well for him being a supportive father to your baby.

In short he sounds lazy, workshy and useless and that isnt going to improve after the baby comes.

Bargain0ftday4267 · 09/02/2020 08:35

I don't see any positives to this relationship

What effort does he currently put in ?
Is there anything positive ?

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 09/02/2020 08:42

his epilepsy isnt bad it is triggered by to much alcohol which stupidly he drank to much the night before and that's why he took one) so he is kind of beating himself up a bit To

So he sabotaged the driving job by drinking too much alcohol -he isn’t beating himself up at all. If he wanted to work he could get a job that didn’t involve driving. He is lazy, I wouldn’t want a future with him.
YANBU to be worried. I would be giving him until the end of the month to find a job & rethinking the relationship.

waterbottle12 · 09/02/2020 08:45

Why doesn't he get another job in the meantime? Who is paying your bills and who will do so when the baby comes?

AdultHumanFemale · 09/02/2020 08:55

Oh, and don't be pressurised into returning to work and letting him be the main carer of your child. If you marry, and subsequently decide to divorce, this could land you in all sorts of difficulty; him having been the main carer, and you the breadwinner, could end up with you paying him child and spousal maintenance, and him having a claim on your pension and staying in your marital home, using divorce laws to his own advantage. You'd be trapped. Don't get me wrong, these laws are there for a reason, but he sounds insincere and as if he's used to playing the system, and letting him be a stay at home dad doesn't sound like it's your first choice, but rather one of a few poor possibilities.

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 10:48

Hey everyone it took me ages to read all of that haha! He did work for a good wile working with pallettes (heavy lifting work) and he only quit just before christmas as his back was sore . And we wouldnt struggle for money he always tells me as he gets certain benefits and also in October his granny sold her house so a lot of money went to him and his mum, but I agree with everyone it just seems like laziness, I would love if he stayed in the job he was in before as the hours were so good it was Monday to Thursday 7am to like 1 or 2pm. Also one other thing that annoys me is we moved into this house together but the house is under HIS name so if we ever broke up he would probably be the one staying and me and the baby would have to go somewhere.. and I couldnt afford to get a new house myself so I would have to move in with my mum and dad and I HATED living with them so i just worry about the future . One thing I will say is thank God he cooks for me, is really clean (probly more clean than me) and does the washin to, but when he worked I done all the washin etc and cleanin round the house. My plan is I really want to do hairdressing in september theres a full time course but it's like 4 days a week (would maybe be to much to leave the baby, the baby would only be 6 months old) and I would miss out on all the baby classes I want to take her to, so i was thinking on maybe doing the part time course which is 1 night a week

OP posts:
BobbyBlueCat · 09/02/2020 10:56

Well, it sounds like you're just going to settle with him, carry on being a mug and driving him everywhere and allow him to not work, just because you get to live in a nice house and not listen to anyone on here.
Good luck then. We'll see you in a couple of years when nothing has changed and you want some more advice.

WalkingDeadTrainee · 09/02/2020 11:04

Is there a bog age difference between you?

FoamingAtTheUterus · 09/02/2020 11:08

He sounds like a lazy twat.

Loads of people who don't drive work. In fact my dp is out in the storm today walking to his job.

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 11:29

I think its more like cause he doesnt need the money so that's why hes not working but he still should be working babies cost so much. I'm going to start saying no on the lifts.. at the end of the day to I am heavily pregnant, 36 weeks, he is going to have to get used to gettin buses or walking because I am not liftin the baby in and out of a car loads or if shes lyin sleepin, I am 25 and he is 30 ! I'm hoping he wises up and gets a job soon, I even told him to ring his old job back and ask if theres any way he could come back even 2 days a week

OP posts:
Iorderedyouapancake · 09/02/2020 11:41

Apologies if I’ve missed a message op but do you work? Appreciate you are or soon will be on maternity leave but you haven’t mentioned whether you have been working up until now?

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 11:58

PP I left my job at 32 weeks cause of pelvic girdle pain was in agony, I wish I could of worked up until now, but I really want to do hairdressing in september so I've applied for that.

OP posts:
Iorderedyouapancake · 09/02/2020 12:08

Thanks op. In that case I agree he’s a lazy twat Grin. I know it seems easier to stay in the short term but I’d seriously think about whether this is someone you want to spend the next 50 or 60 years with- it will only get harder to leave once the baby is here and you’ll end up resenting him if he refuses to support your child - I presume if he’s on benefits he pays nothing for his other dc?

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 12:26

I know, I think the thought of me being a single mum terrifies me and I dont want to move back down to my mum and dads, when I lived there I could not wait to move out, he is good in ways like he cooks cleans etc but I wonder what he will be like once the baby is here, I think he pays 80 pound a month for his other daughter, shes 7, and stays here 1 night a week but we never ever do anything! I collect her at like 2pm on a saturday and I always say to my boyfriend aw why do we not take *** somewhere and hes always like Nah she would be happy enough just playing on her tablet in the house, so we go home and literally sit and play the playstation from 2 until she goes to bed at like 9, then on the sunday she wakes up about 9 or 10 and it's the same, go downstairs sit and play the playstation, Its always me suggesting Why dont we take her for ice cream, why dont we go to the park etc if I was a dad that only seem my daughter over the weekend I'd be wantin to take them out and doing activities with them not sittin in the house doin fuck all

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 09/02/2020 12:32

You sound like you are so worried about having to move back in with your parents that you will put up with anything from this waste of space. You will get nothing out of this relationship but upset.

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