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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be worried about the future with OH?

84 replies

Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 00:29

Hi guys. So me and OH live together and have been together for 3 years but we have only lived together since October.. we are engaged and i am due on the 7th of March, he has epilepsy and had a seizure on new years eve and lost his license for another year, he was due to get his license back on the 5th of February and had a driving job lined up. Which obviously he cant do any more.. but he told me hes going to wait now until he can drive again to get a delivering job.. (also his epilepsy isnt bad it is triggered by to much alcohol which stupidly he drank to much the night before and that's why he took one) so he is kind of beating himself up a bit To. But this is my AIBU... I am worried that we will fight more with a new baby and he will be round the house to much and we will spend to much time together, as we will both be tired being up all night with baby etc,is it unreasonable that I would rather him go back to work a few weeks after I have the baby?? Even if its somewhere 2 days a week, I just know that even now when we spend to much time together we do each others heads in, also he relys on me a lot as he cant drive at the minute so it's mostly me taking him places or picking up his daughter at the weekend and sometimes I drop her home the next day or sometimes my OH mum leaves her home, I have said to him i cant really run him here and there when the baby is here.. there is a bus stop right outside our front. What's other peoples opinions would there OH do there head in if they didnt work for a year??

OP posts:
Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 12:48

PP I just hope when the baby comes he will get a kick up the arse . Wishful thinking . It's also very off putting when a man doesnt want to work in my eyes. So much more attractive when they want to work and have ambition

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 09/02/2020 12:52

He needs to get a non driving job; whether you’re having a baby or not that’s the obvious solution especially as this may be a regular occurrence

SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 13:06

Wouldn't it be better to keep the savings to fall back on rather than just fritter them away? If I gave a large sum of money to my grandson, I'd be pretty pissed off if he blew it on that. He could spend that time and money on college courses to learn a trade. Sounds like a waste.

Bipbipbipbip · 09/02/2020 13:19

He sounds like a real catch. Doesn't work, doesn't drive because he made a mistake, can't manage his own health condition to the detriment of his family, doesn't want to do things with his child. Honestly OP, I'd be looking for an escape route now.

ButtonandPickle19 · 09/02/2020 13:31

He doesn’t need the money now, but imagine if he worked and invested that money wisely? Then he could support you all with his income and afford to buy a house/have decent savings in the future?
He’s foolish to want to live off his savings to avoid working

villamariavintrapp · 09/02/2020 13:47

As he's prone to seizures, a driving job would be really irresponsible. Has he given up alcohol completely? I don't know why you think he'll be a better dad to your baby, he's already shown he can't be bothered with his daughter. Or do you think he'll love your child more and make more effort for them? He needs to get a job that doesn't put other people's lives at risk, and you need to make alternative life plans, he's not worth wasting any more time on.

HuggeeH1bernat1on · 09/02/2020 15:06

He doesn't work

He can't be bothered to do anything with his DD or take her anywhere

Why do you think that he will make any effort for you & your child ?

Rosebel · 09/02/2020 15:45

So he does the cleaning and cooking? So he is contributing and obviously not totally lazy but he doesn't sound like a very good dad. Do you think he'll change when you have the baby? And why on earth isn't the house in both your names? Have you suggested that to him?
Did he deliberately get drunk to avoid getting his licence back? Have you suggested to him that he gets another job?
Having said that if you're already arguing and getting on each others nerves it doesn't sound like you're really happy together? I can totally understand that you want it to work and don't want to move in with your parents but you deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you are.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2020 15:49

I just hope when the baby comes he will get a kick up the arse

He has one already. And it didn't.

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 16:33

I have suggested another job as before he worked with palettes Monday to Thursday and the hours was so good! 7am and always back home by like 2! Then he quit cause his back got really sore and he could barely walk up the stairs, but then when he had that seizure on new years eve he said he might just wait to get a job until he can drive again cause that job in deliverin is what he wants to do! But that's a whole year off work then he will have to look for a delivrring job so it will probly be longer than a year! He said I am lucky because he will be there to look after the baby whilst I want to sleep and he can do night feeds etc, but he could still get a job that doesnt involve driving even 2 days a week! What would all of you do if ur Husbands /partners said they were gonna take a year off?? And u were due in march

OP posts:
Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 16:35

And that time on new years eve he drunk a bottle of pink gin we were at a party and I kept telling him to slow the fuck down on the drinking but he gets carried away. And he hasnt drunk since. Had 1 beer on his 30th birthday at the end of January

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 09/02/2020 16:52

He's a lazy scrounging twat.

MitziK · 09/02/2020 16:59

Can he not read or write? There's no reason why he should be restricting himself to driving (which needs some level of literacy anyhow) or hefting bits of wood from left to right if he is literate.

He could get agency work in the meantime, as that way he'll have some recent experience and references - and that way, if he doesn't say seizure free, you'll still have an income.

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 17:03

He always looks for cash in hand work as he isnt supposed to be working! That's why 😣😣😣 I agree with the laziness, I'm the one pushin a baby out of my vagina and then 6 months later wanting to go to College and study hairdressing !

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 09/02/2020 17:21

*he isnt supposed to be working!"

Why?

Rosebel · 09/02/2020 17:24

Why can't he do a different job even if it's just for a year? Does he know that it's hard to get another job with a gap on his CV? And what will happen on New Year's eve this year? Will he drink again and then have to have another year off work?
He obviously can't see your point of view at all and really I know it's scary but do you really really want to be with him?

SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 17:26

Ah I see.

I hope he gets what's coming to him when HMRC eventually catch up with him then.

Original poster
Penny12355 · 09/02/2020 17:54

I know because whatever money he gets it means hes not fit for work. I dont agree with it at all .. I worked as a waitress before I went off sick, (legally!) Really really contemplating the relationship, its sickening though that I'll be the one put out cause the house is under his name.. and ILL be the one havin to find somewhere else to go, me and the baby. I wonder how I'll afford a house on my own, maternity pay is shit

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 18:06

I did know a lady who did that her whole life, but when the time came to claim her pension she was completely screwed as she'd made no NI contributions. And if they did catch up with him, they'd make him pay what they thought he owed. There's no bartering with them. If they catch him, he'll be royally screwed. And they're getting smarter how they get them. Classic way is looking on DVLA to see what car you're driving, but they won't have anything on him that way.

This isn't someone I'd choose to bring a child up with OP. You're a big girl and it's up to you, but I can see him just dragging you both down with him.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 18:11

So neither of you work?

Yogawoogie · 09/02/2020 18:16

What a lovely relationship to bring the baby into!
What attracted you to him?
Would he consider studying in his year off? Can he support you all financially?
What are you living from financially?

MitziK · 09/02/2020 18:33

Ah. He's claiming ESA on the grounds of being unfit to work through uncontrolled epilepsy.

Oh well, if it's income based, he'll lose that soon enough from having a lump sum in the bank.

And you'll lose your benefits, too if that's the case - they will quite happily leave you needing a foodbank parcel if he gets everything sanctioned for fraud/non declaration of capital.

You'd be better off binning him and managing your own money without the extra liability he brings to your life.

Bananalanacake · 09/02/2020 19:11

Can't he do office work or work in a pub, supermarket.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/02/2020 19:13

What happened to your previous job? Why did you quit and not just go on maternity leave?

Jess827 · 09/02/2020 19:18

Your life will be a car crash with this man in it. He's full of excuses, financially irresponsible, a shite father to his existing daughter, and now you're having his child.. what on earth made you have a family with him is beyond mebut what's done is done.

It sounds like an awful situation to bring a baby into,he sounds like some immature teen rather than a father of two.

It's too late to walk away from him totally because of him being the father bit ffs aim higher in a life partner.

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