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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you fine this "joke" funny?

101 replies

Boredbumhead · 08/02/2020 15:28

Dp and I were in town with the children. We had separated off so he could have an eye test whilst I had the children. Them we would swap so I could get a haircut. Sideline: it's my birthday. Do had just come out of a shop. There was something someone had dropped on the floor. Like a ladies scarf. He picked it up and said. "I've got you something for your birthday." I got excited as he never gets me anything for my birthday. Then he picked up the scarf off the floor and waved it at me. I told him to f off and stormed away to my haircut, very teary and feeling shit. Apparently it was 'just a joke' though he has made zero effort. Who was BU?

OP posts:
Mythologies · 08/02/2020 18:29

Please stop the victim blaming on this thread. In no way at all is it the OPs fault for ‘letting’ the arsehole abuse her. Policing men’s behaviour is no one’s job. And those who say she is also to be blamed for not leaving appear to have missed every explanation here on MN and elsewhere of how hard and dangerous that can be.
So just stop

SummerPavillion · 08/02/2020 18:30

I am still realising - 3 years out of it - new ways in which my marriage was emotionally abusive.

It's hard to describe just how blind to it you can be when you're in that deep. Just believe us who've experienced this, please.

CoraPirbright · 08/02/2020 18:35

Firstly OP - Happy Birthday! Secondly, yanbu. What a shitty way to behave.

My birthday was the day before and I got......big fanfare...a card!! Frankly I wasn’t sure that I was even going to get that as it hasn't always been the case. Dh and his family don't ‘do’ birthdays but I would like a little bit of a fuss but.......nothing. It makes me feel so sad. Unloved and unappreciated, especially when I do make a fuss for others (dh got 3 presents, some cards and I organised dinner out when it was his birthday). Then I think I should get over myself and not act like a 7 year old whining “but it’s my birthday” but I can’t really help it. So I totally get it - we are adults and it shouldnt be hurtful....but it really is.

ClappyFlappy · 08/02/2020 18:38

What a fucking prick your partner is. Even dumping you with the kids while he got his eyes tested. Couldn’t he have done that another day?

GenderCriticalFeminist · 08/02/2020 18:44

So the OP felt a mixture of embarrassment at actually thinking he cared and hurt that once again he didn't bother

Exactly so.

BackforGood · 08/02/2020 18:52

What he did wasn't funny, and why he didn't get you a present is something you could have discussed with him like an adult.
I think YABU however because of the way you reacted, including the language you used in front of your dc.

Drabarni · 08/02/2020 18:58

Eh? What on earth do you talk about if you have never communicated your view on presents Confused

Sorph · 08/02/2020 19:15

if you don't normally get each other presents and that's a long standing agreement then yabu cuz it would unfair to suddenly change the status quo and expect him to magically know but if it's not equal and you buy him gifts/ theres no historical agreement then no yanbu at all and I can understand why you're so upset and acted how you did. Xx

hellcarryingahandbag · 08/02/2020 19:16

This is so sad to read, you deserve better. Happy birthdayFlowersGlitterballCake

CSIblonde · 08/02/2020 19:20

That's mean. I hope you don't make a fuss of him on his birthdays if he can't be bothered with yours. And treat yourself to a meal out with a friend or relative & don't invite him OP.

Original poster
Boredbumhead · 08/02/2020 21:30

@HeadachesByTheDozen err I didn't stay silent. I wasn't allowing him to act like a twat. I said "fuck off" and stormed off.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 21:34

Just sounds like a depressing way to live life.

Original poster
Boredbumhead · 08/02/2020 21:37

To his credit, my 8 year old forced his father to go in the shop this afternoon and buy me some chocs and wine from the children. They are much much kinder than he is. And my four year old said he's going to buy me some pretty pink flowers bless him. See even kids know right from wrong

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 08/02/2020 21:40

I'm glad your children appreciate you. They sound sweet.

CrystalDeCanter · 08/02/2020 21:42

OP he's clearly mean and unpleasant with a shit sense of humour around your birthday. I too would be upset. Has he always been such a dick? Does he understand why you were upset? Does he care for you and your feelings at all.

I hope he feels thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed, has apologised and made amends.

Happy birthday anyway.

aroundtheworldyet · 08/02/2020 21:42

What a depressing way for your children to live. Having to force their father to care for their mother.
That isn’t an attack btw. It’s just how I imagine they think life is normal

SlippersAndThePaper · 08/02/2020 21:43

Please don’t tell me you make a massive effort on his birthday...?

Houseworkavoider · 08/02/2020 21:46

Ah that’s rough Flowers
Happy Birthday op. At least your Dc take after you!

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 22:31

@Boredbumhead I meant over the years, as you said "I got excited as he "never gets me anything for my birthday." so he's been able to do that (not get you anything for your birthday) for years. I was talking over all. Clearly not just this birthday. The fact you said he 'never gets me anything for my birthday' is the point.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 22:35

Your DC sound like lovely children, and no doubt you are proud of them. Clearly they take after you, and not their father.

Original poster
Boredbumhead · 08/02/2020 22:36

Yeah but you can't force someone to buy for you can you? It should be natural and ingrained..

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 09/02/2020 18:40

Totally agree OP. After another totally shit birthday, I thought that next year I should make it clear with a month to go that I would like a tiny bit more of a fuss made (the supermarket are selling daffs for £1 a bunch ffs!) but then I think what’s the point? If I have to tell him not to be hurtful and unthinking then it kind of negates whatever he manages to do. So either I feel unloved and hurt when he does fuck all or I feel embarrassed and unpleasantly demanding when I point out what I would like. Rock/hard place.

aroundtheworldyet · 09/02/2020 18:42

I just couldn’t stay with someone who thought so little of me.

No you can’t force someone to buy you a present. But you shouldn’t have to live with someone who mocks you in plain sight. It’s disgusting

Babdoc · 09/02/2020 18:59

There’s an old Mumsnet cliche, but it’s perfectly true: “When someone shows you who they are - believe them.”
Your vile husband is showing you that he doesn’t give a shit about your birthday, is happy to raise your hopes then humiliate you in the street, can’t be arsed to get you a even a lousy box of chocolates unless forced to by his children.
By implication, he is also showing that he neither loves nor respects you.
OP, please sit down and seriously consider why you are living with this shit of a man. Please value yourself more highly, believe that you deserve better, and start redefining this relationship- or better still, leave. My own lovely DH never missed a single one of my birthdays, and I even found my presents hidden in his car when he died the day before my 36th. Most normal men would be horrified by your DH’s neglect and cruel “humour”. If you leave, you can look for a decent man instead.
Sending you a hug, and a Happy Birthday wish. I’m so glad your DC love you, even if their useless father doesn’t.

JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 19:03

I hope you don’t buy him any birthday gifts, thoughtless prick.