Starting to hate motherhood.

[Cantthinkofausernametbh]

Hi everyone. I’m a single young mum, partner left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My ds is now 19 months old and defeats me most days. Will not sleep, sometimes will not go to sleep till five in the morning and then wake up at 8 refuse to take a nap and scream all day long. Tantrums are so bad he makes himself projectile vomit all over himself my carpets etc. He has no interest other than a phone or an iPad. I’ve got him plenty new toys over the Christmas period (mega blocks, ride on toys, wooden blocks, drawing board, hopper, little people play set) not interested in anything else. He cannot do much at all and goes through times where he will forget everything he knows including his name. Could say mama and now can’t. I try so hard to teach him to speak and he just won’t co operate, I sing to him, ask him to say stuff, speak to him lots, engage in playing with him, he has colourful bath toys which I repeat the number letters and colours over and over, I try to repeat myself as much as possible but it’s getting me no where. He gets fed up starts screaming and I give in and give him the iPad. I try to take him out but he refuses to walk and will scream if I take him in the garden where he has toys and chalk. Took him to soft play a few times but he was not at all too interested after about 30 minutes. Please give me some tips and tricks to make things easier for him, I think he screams because he wants to communicate with me but can’t. Been to the gp and they said there’s nothing wrong with him. What’s some ways you teach your little ones to speak? Or to play? Or any fun activities that keep them occupied? Please help

I think you said you put him for a nap at 1 I would suggest trying getting him down earlier as he is maybe tired especially if he is up early. Try an early lunch and down at maybe 12 ? Have you tried white noise ? You can download apps for free. Try White noise baby. I like the doppler ultra sound best but there are lots you choose from. I had a terrible sleeper and it just breaks you ! The white noise would help him fall back to sleep at the end of a sleep cycle and nap for longer.

Ideas for play
Get some wellies and go looking for puddles or sticks etc
Make a treasure basket use thing from the house or if you can afford to buy a few bits things with different textures,colours etc that he can't hurt himself on. Like a sponge, a comb, jar lid, plastic spoon, egg cup, peg, plastic bottle, Google it for more ideas. Put them in a box or tub and let him explore them.

Sing songs and buy or make instruments. Songs are great for learning words too. You could put rice or pasta in a plastic bottle to make shakers, use a pot for a drum. Plays songs on you tube but hide the iPad from view so you just hear it.

Good luck it's can feel so hard when they are this age and especially not sleeping.

I meant he may be over tired. You could also try doing a nap before lunch maybe at 11. Sometimes if you leave it to late they are to far past it and can't wind down.

So he's currently exposed to 3 languages?

Is he a bolter?

At that age I'd be concentrating on taking him to the Park to wear him out.

It's basically like having a Labrador at that age.

Have you tried NOT giving him a bath at bedtime? I know everything says bath them at bedtime but baths & showers made all my kids crazy hyper & incapable of sleeping for at least 2 hours after.

Definitely quit the iPad- he doesn’t need it.

Multi lingual exposure is an amazing gift you are giving him but yes it’s likely to slow down his speech early on.

Have you tried him in a back carrier? He can see & interact & you can get on with things.

Does he sleep better at night if he doesn’t nap? Mine gave up naps from 17 months.

Go to get out of the house when mine were that age -
Fully waterproof then puddle hunt
Or fully waterproof then jugs of water & pots etc in the garden
Playpark in all weather
Library- if possible walk there & back (& check what they have on - rhyme time etc)
Swimming
Feed the ducks
Stick hunt in the woods

At home
Play dough (make it so it’s disgusting but not poisonous!) Or just make bread together
Stories
Dressing up
Let him empty the plastic boxes cupboard (not even a toddler can make mine worse than it already is!)
Make dens with cushions/sheet over the table
Wooden blocks - mostly knocking down towers )
Finger painting type stuff (low mess option is paint in a ziplock taped to table with different colour paints to smush together)

Glad you are going to ask for help. You’ve got this

Haha hilarious 🙄

@Littlepopsxx that wasn't very helpful to OP.

OP, you don't seem to have responded to pp's advice to speak to your health visitor. From what you have said I am quite concerned about your child's development. Did your child attend their 9-12 month development check, was their development satisfactory then? If not, did you agree to a development review with them?

You need to speak to your HV team and request a visit for a development check, speech and language support and general parenting advice around boundaries and routines.

GP's aren't usually the most helpful with concerns around child development unless it is something extremely significant. Just contact your health visitor ASAP.

You’re not inadequate, it’s really bloody hard.

Great you’re going to the GP, mention the teething pain too, never underestimate teething. Like another poster said there is more they can do. Keep up with the Nurofen and calpol regime. Every 2 hrs is not correct tho, stick to the no of doses per 24 hrs on the bottle. Also try the Ambesol liquid on a teether - if you haven’t tried the OTC options the GP will suggest you do so first.

Please speak to your HV too re your development concerns, they will be better placed to help in some respects than your GP.

Looking at your routine I’m another who thinks the nap is far too late given what time he’s getting up. I know you’ll hear a lot about the ‘afternoon nap’ but it doesn’t work for all. My DC wakes between 7-8 and is down again by 11:30 at the absolute latest, I try for 11 mostly. he can keep going but just becomes an overtired nightmare. You can prep lunch whilst he’s sleeping and have it ready as soon as he wakes.

My DC does the same with closing books mostly, he prefers to be busy. But he does love the DK Pop-up Peekaboo books (they’re on Amazon) these and randomly Whatever Next really captivate his attention.

Like I said prev my DC loves his little kitchen and also just likes going through the cupboards in our kitchen - I’ve made all the low ones baby safe. He likes his little cleaning set too and helping put the shopping away.

Maybe go through the suggestions on here and collate them as a written list then you can go through and try them.

Good luck

I think you need to play with him at that age? Crayons together, trains and cars, jigsaws etc... it reads to me as if you're trying to maintain your house while he plays. He's too young to entertain himself so it won't work and maybe that's the issue?

You are not inadequate at all. You are doing amazingly well in a very tough situation. Agree with what others say about getting the HV round.

And just don’t beat yourself up. God love you, you’ve got so much on your plate and you’re doing your best

@Whatdayisit2 I don’t agree with that at all my DC loves independent play - not with toys, apart from his little kitchen but loves keeping busy. I do play with him obviously but it’s not the be all and end all, from what I’ve read and have seen with my own independent play (not necessarily with ‘toys’) is really important. I think that puts a lot of pressure on OP that she needs to orchestrate the playing, and it does sound like she tries to do that anyway.

Could you try putting him down in his cot to sleep and staying with him? Or would he scream? If he fusses just try reassuring hiM that you're there, maybe sing him songs or read him stories? Even if you're with him for a couple of hours at least you aren't wrestling with him.
Also, what about trying to get him down for a nap earlier in the day? If he's awake at 6:30/7, maybe try a nap around half 10/ 11 in his cot so he associates it with sleeping? Make a big fuss about how special it is and maybe a new teddy or something? Just trying to think of ideas.
Whatever you try, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, I think consistency and not giving up is the key. Give it a few days/ a week before trying something else. Is there anyone that can support you? Or babysit for you for a few hours?
I would show him mr tumble too, my son was a late talker and he used to sign food and drink to me, do the signs every time you say the word
Sorry for rambling on, I hope some of it was helpful lol

OP sounds like you are in a really difficult situation, everything is so hard when you dont have enough sleep. As others have said speak to your health visitor they are usually more helpful than GP. I was lucky with ours as they linked us in with a sleep worker. Best advice I got was to bring the whole routine forward. Often under 2s ger over tired and it makes sleep worse. We were advised lunch at 11.30 followed by nap. Initially DS wouldn't sleep but after persistance and some days just putting him down and going in every 5 minutes for half hour he did eventually start napping for at least an hour. No naps after 3. Dinner at 4.30 bath at 5 and bed at 5.30. Took a few weeks but made a huge difference. He was and still is an early riser, usually getting up at 5.30 but a almost 8 he now sleeps a bit later.

Good luck with it all. Take care

Maybe get a floor bed, OP (mattress on the floor) then make sure his room is toddler-proof, shut the door and lie down on the mattress. Let him do whatever- eventually he'll tire out and go to sleep. Remember- no blue lights, only red.

Age has absolutely no bearing on one's abilities as a parent. I know great, young parents and awful older ones.

All parents are just doing their best whilst thinking they should be doing better and hoping their children turn out ok!

I spend as much time as possible out of the house, I can't spend a whole day indoors with my dd without cabin fever taking hold. Swimming, library rhyme time, squirrel spotting, puddle jumping, play parks, feeding the ducks. And at each of those places, talk to the other parents, make connections, swap numbers, build up your support network. Then you can do things with other parents/children and have a good old chin wag while the children play.

I agree that nursery will do wonders. Do you have any nearby? You might need to get on the waiting list before your funding comes through.

You'll be fine

It will get easier. Echoing pp's re the HV you have legitimate concerns, don't let them fob you off, request a referral to anyone who can help.
While you're waiting set a strick routine of play groups etc.
Good luck.

Another vote for sleep here, most 18 month olds should be sleeping 11-12 hours over night and 1-3 hours napping during the day. If he’s had trouble with sleep for a while it may take a few weeks to really improve. I can’t even imagine how difficult managing sleep training on your own would be but I do believe if you can sort that out, a lot of other things will fall in to place.

With teething, nurofen, and you can alternate with calpol, it is ok to have more than one dose a day. When dd is having trouble with teething, we try to do 3-4 doses (total, not of each!) from first wake to bed to make sure we’re staying on top of the pain.

Have you considered/tried cry it out as a sleep training method? Trying for at least a week might be necessary. We also have found that going in every 5-10 whatever minutes with DD does not help, she still cries when we inevitably leave and just gets more and more upset. If you struggle with crying, reminding yourself that your kiddo is loved, fed, changed and that sleep is crucial to brain development can help. Kids need to sleep for themselves to grow, not just for parents!

You CAN do this though, don’t be afraid to talk to your GP and be really honest about the support you need and how difficult this is.

A HUGE factor that I have forgotten to mention is that I am fluent in fathers languages and have family who speak one language but not the other and I do live in England, could that be what’s causing the speech delay?

Bilingual children are often much later than others in early speech. milestones but usually catch up by 4/5. You should ideally stick to the same language all the time with him and let other people use their referred language.

I would be pushing the GP for an assessment. Regressing is a major red flag especially combined with the other behaviour you describe.

I wouldn't do cry it out, even if you hadn't already tried it. He sounds very much in need of reassurance, so it doesn't surprise me that cry it out didn't work for you. Besides which, it'd be rather unkind to leave him with the pain of teething all alone.

Before you see the HV or GP, it might be worth doing the online MCHAT assessment for autism - it’s very quick and it’s not a diagnostic but it does help focus on the things that a typical child would be doing. At that age we really had no concerns about DT1 as he was so far ahead of DT2 but there were big gaps in things he did (eg he’s never pointed at anything, never brings things to show you to share attention, never copies eg by sticking out of tongue). And once they started nursery and I saw what other children are like, I realised that neither of my twins ever responded to us or other people in a typical way. They are my only kids and there was a lot I just didn’t pick up on.

You’ll be entitled to a 2 year check from the HV where they will assess for developmental delays. Here this is done around 27 months but they have a version of it that can be done earlier so definitely definitely talk to your HV.

We started to raise concerns when DT2 was 18 months old. We went to a SALT drop in at a children’s centre the day before they turned 2, as that was the earliest they’d see us. DT2 was diagnosed with ASD at 27 months and DT1 at at 30 months. So it did take some time.

I’m not saying this is the issue, there are lots of factors. If it is just being in a multilingual environment and “too much screen time” (I don’t really buy this, TBH, but that’s a different post!) then you’ll find he’s not hitting those markers such as lack of pointing, eye contact, sharing attention etc.

Here’s the mchat:
m-chat.org/

Some studies have shown this screening is more accurate from 20 months onwards but you are almost there.

Tried the test, and thankyou all for your very helpful advice! I’m going to a indoor shopping centre today to drop off the iPad and with the extra money I will get some some puppet toys (he loves it when I pretend with the mitten) and some teething remedies, I have also booked him for toddler football lessons and a toddler gym class which will start in March! Last night was actually really good he went to sleep at nine (not ideal) but did wake up at seven and I put some ow patrol on the tv but he’s been playing independently and with me for a few mins here and there too, he played with the blocks table bubbles and the mitten with wobbly eyes which he loves, were now getting ready and I’ll let him run around if he wants to but I’m bringing my stroller just in case!

amazing great to hear you are doing a bit better today! take it one day at a time and get yourself something nice at the shops for being a great mum!

Great job OP. You are taking control you will get there.
My 2nd was like this he is diagnosed now nearly 5, if he was my first child I'd have ran for the hills.
It definitely gets better insist on early intervention I didn't as I blamed my skills and hoped he'd grow out of it, things are good now.

Lovely to read your positive update. You are such a lovely mum.