Starting to hate motherhood.

[Cantthinkofausernametbh]

Hi everyone. I’m a single young mum, partner left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My ds is now 19 months old and defeats me most days. Will not sleep, sometimes will not go to sleep till five in the morning and then wake up at 8 refuse to take a nap and scream all day long. Tantrums are so bad he makes himself projectile vomit all over himself my carpets etc. He has no interest other than a phone or an iPad. I’ve got him plenty new toys over the Christmas period (mega blocks, ride on toys, wooden blocks, drawing board, hopper, little people play set) not interested in anything else. He cannot do much at all and goes through times where he will forget everything he knows including his name. Could say mama and now can’t. I try so hard to teach him to speak and he just won’t co operate, I sing to him, ask him to say stuff, speak to him lots, engage in playing with him, he has colourful bath toys which I repeat the number letters and colours over and over, I try to repeat myself as much as possible but it’s getting me no where. He gets fed up starts screaming and I give in and give him the iPad. I try to take him out but he refuses to walk and will scream if I take him in the garden where he has toys and chalk. Took him to soft play a few times but he was not at all too interested after about 30 minutes. Please give me some tips and tricks to make things easier for him, I think he screams because he wants to communicate with me but can’t. Been to the gp and they said there’s nothing wrong with him. What’s some ways you teach your little ones to speak? Or to play? Or any fun activities that keep them occupied? Please help

The language thing will be huge. It's absolutely brilliant for them to be exposed to lots of languages but can delay speech . my sister didn't say more than 2 words until she was nearly 3 as we had two languages at home. She then spoke full sentences. She went to Cambridge and biochemistry so didnt hold her back!

It is meant to be zero screen time for under three! You need to totally cut it out.

I recommend a chicco pocket rocket. You attach it to a normal chair and can strap them into it. Absolutely great for sitting with them to do an activity or play a game at the table without them running off. If they get upset, take them out but if they are happy, keep going. Drawing, painting, playdoh etc. You can even sit with your coffee and your DS can start and you can join in between sips!

Using it for half an hour 2-3 times a day will help your sanity. I tended to use it twice for half an hour to sit and do an activity together then the other time I would put my DS in it with puzzles in front of him so I could cook and do some cleaning and know he was safe. I sometimes took the chair to the kitchen and would sing to him while I was cooking and didn't have to worry that he'd start trying to open the oven etc!

Obviously this was only an option until he was around 2 as he got too big for it and I started to be able to get his attention and keep him engaged in an activity without having to strap him into a seat but it was great for those 6 months or so while he was easily distracted and very rambunctious!

As for getting out, use the buggy if you need to. To get from A to B, use the buggy then he can run free once you're at the park or whatever then just build it up whereby he walks half the way then when he starts acting up and running away or screaming, he goes back in the buggy. He will soon learn that if he doesn't co operate, he'll go back in the buggy! Teach him 'hand'. Put your hand out and say 'hand' then he'll pick up that simple instruction with his limited vocabulary. You can say it normally or more firmly if he won't listen.

The sleeping.... that's the hard part. Do you use bedtime bath bubble baths? If he's spending a lot of time on an iPad and not getting physical exercise or mental stimulation from playing etc, he will struggle to sleep. Doing the above to get him stimulated and out and about will help with the sleeping most likely. It won't change over night but it will gradually get better the more he plays and gets about.

If you're not working at the moment, you will get 15 hours of nursery/playgroup when he is 2. This will be great for you both. In the meantime, get him into a group once a week where it's a free for all so he can just run off his energy?

It's hard OP. I'm not even a single parent either but we all know how hard it can be but it's that little bit harder when you don't have anyone to take over and give you any down time. Hopefully all the suggestions you've had will help. I personally wouldn't jump to the GP or HV with this as he's only 19 months old but when he's 2 and you get the 2 year review, absolutely speak up if there's still issues. If you need the HV for some support for yourself, give her a call and she can perhaps make suggestions for you

Tips and tricks?

GET RID OF THE IPAD.

Your child's lack of speech will NOT be helped by all this screen time and potentially all this screen time has CAUSED these problems. Same with the sleep. Just get rid of it, cold turkey

Are you a sahm? Do you go to groups? This helps to brake the day up and would be some company for you

I would advise that you see the gp for yourself too as it sounds like things are very difficult.

I hope things look up soon

Sorry op I've seen your update. You're doing the right thing. Alternatives to iPad would be things you've already said - garden, groups, playing with you, helping around the house. A little TV time is fine too so you can get things done

If he's getting a lot of teeth at once then he's probably in a lot of pain and discomfort which isn't going to put him in a great mood for playing and learning, and in my experience the usual teething remedies don't work if it's a lot of teeth coming in at once. We ended up in hospital with my toddler and they gave us Difflam spray for my boys teething and it's made a world of difference to his eating and sleeping which has really helped his attitude in the daytime. It might be worth a shot.

Good luck op. If you can get some sleep at night then everything will seem so much better.

Please try the Difflam spray - it's changed my son back to the lovely little boy he used to be before the nightmare of toddler teething and made a huge difference to the amount he will sleep. You can buy it over the counter at any pharmacy. It's around £7.50.

Just to tell you that you do sound like a good mum and parenting is incredibly hard - much more than most people imagine before they have children. As children get older the physical side gets easier, you get more sleep and more time to yourself but I found age 1 to 3 the absolute worst time and I hated it.
You must look after yourself somehow though because if you get ill or depressed your son will suffer as well! Take care.

My son said bugger all til he was 2. Now doing very well at school and socially.

You can alternate kiddy paracetamol and ibuprofen every 2 hours when they’re in a lot of pain likes this and one alone doesn’t cut it. Worked wonders for us.

My son bit me A LOT at this stage which I think was frustration over speaking. Bedtimes were also horrendous. I didn’t try baby sign but if there is a class, it would get you out the house even if it doesn’t help much. On the bedtimes, sometimes I had to leave the room and throw him an iPad for a few minutes, just for sanity. He is now in a very settled bedtime routine and goes to sleep with a story and lights out. Whatever gets you through this rough part needn’t be forever. His afternoon naps also saved me at this age - nap with him if you can.

What saved my sanity was:
/ Pushchair, if he’ll go in it. Just getting out and he could look at others things and gave me a mental break.
/ Ride in the bus. He liked looking it the windows or trying to interact with other peoples on them bus.
/ Local library had a good kids’ section.

On the regression, worth mentioning to health visitor but if his sleep is poor, seems quite understandable that he would regress- he’s also sleep deprived.

Are you entitled to any free nursery care at the minute or is there a playgroup you could join? I found nursery wore my son out and forced him with his speech (as they couldn’t understand his gestures like I could).

Oh, and while my son hated walking, he used to run and run if l let him loose in a green space! Burned off energy

I'd speak to the health visitor, and maybe see if Home Start are in your area to provide support. Do you have a local children's centre nearby too? They often do free toddler classes.

I feel for you op.

My youngest was/is a terrible sleeper and poor speech.

Another vote here for getting rid of the iPad or putting it away and telling him it's broken. My youngest was addicted to the puter (laptop), I told him it was broken and put it well away and his behaviour massively improved. If you need a break then tv is better imo.
iPads etc are too addictive for little ones and too easy for us to give in when they're screaming and we need to get stuff done.

Speak to the HV about all of this too.

Have you tried co-sleeping? It's certainly not for everyone but it worked for us at a time to get some sleep.

And OP having more than one language will certainly delay speech development but the long-term cognitive benefits more than compensate.

If you don’t have anyone nearby to help, do try Sure Start or Gingerbread or similar so you can get some sort of break. If you have a friend nearby, try going to each other’s for meals. You can tag team so you each get to actually eat something hot.

Your weight is incredibly low. Can you make sure you always have snacks available for you as well as him? Stoats porridge oat bars saved me!

Please ask for your health visitor to see you at home to support you and assess your ds’s development.

For people asking I’ve tried co sleeping sleep training and the cry it out method all on seperate occasions and it got me no where. Always been a high needs baby and had to be ok my hip constantly until about a month ago. Just been trying to put him to sleep since 7, kept rolling over and over and over till I lost it and put him in the cot for a few minutes because I can feel my blood boiling. Had no nap today and woke up at 6 this morning gave him nurofen before bed. I’m just so lost and feel like everything I’m doing is wrong

All my sympathy to you. It sounds extremely challenging.

I think selling the ipad might be a thought -- buy yourself something nice!

I have girl a similar age, and I find days with the schedule you describe really hard in that it's a lot of time just at home. Are you able to look up more playgroups etc in your area? Where we live (London) there are free playgroups in children's centres and churches most weekdays. I would devote some time after bed to making up a schedule of all available activities. You say he cries when you take him out but will he keep crying? I reckon just try to steel yourself for the crying that comes when he is put in the pushchair and go out anyway. My daughter ALWAYS cries when she goes in the pushchair and I distract her by singing.

For weaning off the ipad/phone - I agree that this is a good idea, as it's hard for any other toy to compete. I think it will be massively easier if they are not in his eyeline. If he sees you on the phone and put it away he will want it. I suggest that for a week or two's cold turkey period you don't use the phone in front of him OR only use it eg in your bedroom, then leave it there, and come down to play, so he knows it won't be around at playtime.

I would also consider introducing some books as an alternative to the ipad. You can join the local library in your baby's name (where I am it's better to get book's out in the child's name as there are no fines if you bring them back late!). In my experience books are something you have to persevere with -- it might take a while before he sits down for a whole one (or he might never do it!). But if you find one that he takes an interest in the pictures of and persevere with putting in front of him and reading every day, over time with familiarity he will probably grow to enjoy it. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See and other books by Eric Carle are very popular with that age group, so you could see if you can find those in the library (you will be able to reserve them if they are out). Otherwise any books with not too much writing (like a sentence a page is enough) - and make sure you point at the pictures when you see the words as he'll start to recognise the images.

Libraries are also a good place to just hang out -- your local children's library will have a story and singing session which I find good. If there's nothing on, the children's library will also have toys and a nice big space to crawl about in, and probably other mums will come in and you can have a chat!

You mention the toys you have and how he's not interested -- I would not worry to much about this. What my dd likes doing is just crawling round and exploring. I also wouldn't bother trying to 'teach' colours etc. By all means point at stuff and say 'oh look at the red bowl etc' but trying to 'teach' an 18 month old anything is only going to lead to madness as they definitely won't cooperate (and might pick up on your frustration too).

On sleep - my daughter is a bad napper too and tbh I often resort to pushing her round in the pram in order to get her to sleep. It's not ideal especially as it means you can't rest as he naps, but you could at least listen to music. Or you could try getting him to sleep in the pram and then going back home without waking him up.

I also wonder if you could do bedtime 30 mins earlier. Do you do a bath at bedtime? I find doing one every night lets my DD know it's going to be bedtime soon so it's not too much of a shock!

I mean the above thoughts to be helpful not patronising, please ignore if they don't chime with your experience. I agree with others that it's a very challenging time, and it's especially challenging for a single parent. You obviously love him very much and I think you are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances. It will get easier.

I do give him a bath at bed time and I will have to try the books, I did get him a few for Christmas b he isn’t interested and if I open one he will just close it, most toys he either chews or sits on so I kind of gave up tbh, he will not fall asleep in the stroller no matter what I do. That was great advice @mauvaisereputation I will give the library a go. I wish I could live like most 18 years old my age for a t least one day I feel like having him so young makes me feel inadequate most of the time especially with no support system. But I’m willing to try all the above to make sure he’s not so miserable all the time I feel like he can feel that I’m starting to resent him and I really don’t want him to feel this way because he doesn’t deserve to he’s still a tiny little lad really isn’t he:(

You sound like a brilliant mum, you know I feel ashamed to admit it but I don't think I could cope with what your going through at all.
The fact you are even though you feel you aren't , speaks volumes about your parenting. I hope it gets easier for you OP Take care of yourself

Oh god, the iPad police

It is meant to be zero screen time for under three

Says... who? If that were true, CBeebies wouldn’t have much content.

Anyway, I agree that you need to speak to your GP or HV. You’ve described a few things that raise red flags. Nothing to panic about, but definitely worth looking into.

I feel like this every now and again, and when I was a single mum with twins I felt like this a LOT!

You’re a brilliant mum. You’re doing all the right things. Selling the iPad is a good idea too. Can you get any time off? Maybe take care of your sister’s Twins one morning, and she could have them all for the afternoon? You need a break. A regular break would be even better, so you can look forward to it.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's so difficult, especially with the sleep situation you describe.

Sleep I am no expert in this area at all, but just to throw some ideas out there, I wonder if a first step might be just to try to create good associations with the room if he only goes in there to fight sleep it might be that he has developed a bad feeling about it. Perhaps try to do a bit of playtime in there everyday, if you don't already? Also, if you know he is going to take ages to sleep, again I wonder if a first step would be to just get him to rest. Like, what would happen if you just went in there, sat in the dark (ideally with earphones in so you're not bored) and just accept that you're going to hold him for a couple of hours before he goes to sleep? Rocking him, singing to him maybe, but not actually trying to put him down, just focusing on getting him totally calm and then trying to put him down. For the actually putting down I don't really know what works - personally I have only ever breastfed my baby to sleep and put her down while asleep (which is why she doesn't nap as this doesn't work in the day). So you could even just try to get him to sleep in your arms and put him down from there (might take several attempts). I play white noise (rain sounds) as she goes to sleep and then keep it on at night which I think helps.

I know this goes against everything people say about sleeping, but I am just wondering if something like this could (1) address any bad association he now has with bedtime and (2) possibly be more calm for you as even though it's obviously not proper down time, if you just accept at the start that bedtime is going to be long it might be less frustrating than if you're desparate (understadably) to slip away, and also if you manage to get it calmer, you might be able to watch netflix on your phone with earphones while holding him in the dark, so at least that's semi-relaxed.

You are not inadequate - you're doing a really hard job. Please do stay in touch with friends etc -- do you get a friend over to spend an afternoon with you and the baby sometimes?

If you slip up - don't worry about it. It happens. You still are his Mum and he loves you. Cheesy as it sounds - I find trying to write down stuff that makes me happy about the baby (eg when she smiles at something etc) and looking at it when I'm frustrated.

I also think you should seek out all the support you can. Get in touch with GP and health vistor about the sleep and maybe also about yourself -- do you think antidepressants might be a help?

Do you have a Childrens Centre near you? These are government /charity funded and have playgoups but also the staff might be able to point you towards other support.

Homestart is a charity which supports sends trained volunteers to visit families at home to offer support and advice - they have branches throughout West Yorkshire, so I suggest getting in touch with them and seeing what they offer. If you're in Wakefield this charity has a parenting course for teen mum www.riverside.org.uk/care-and-support/young-people-and-families/teenage-parents/, here's a Bradford chairty that looks useful www.betterstartbradford.org.uk/. -- - perhaps spend some time googling for similar charities in your town and see what resources there are.

I wonder if you could also find a support group for teen mums in your area -- perhaps spend some time googling or even put a notice up in your local children's centre or on any local facebook parenting groups suggesting a coffee shop meet-up? It might help to meet others in the same position as you. Definitely keep seeing your sister, I'm glad you see her everyday.

Good luck.

Definitely talk to your health visitor and see if home start has volunteers near you, too.

Do you work at all or are you with him full time?
I know you're exhausted but you might actually find that working would refresh you as it would give you a break from him. Maybe a supportive childcare setting could help with strategies. And if they think there are signs that he's not neurotypical they can help you get an assessment. It will add weight to your own comments and those of a health visitor.

Op you sound like you’re in a really tricky situation and really trying your best.

You’re understandably exhausted and sleep deprivation is the worst!

Your little one really does sound quite unusual for his age.
You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread already but I would suggest you write down a ‘typical’ day for you both and make an appointment to see your health visitor ASAP.
They will help you and signpost you to other places for support (children centre groups, homestart etc)

Your little one is either trying to work out who is in charge or possibly has some developmental needs that aren’t quite being met; his behaviour needs gradually addressing but it’s really hard to do that on no sleep.

Is there any way that your sister / or other family could have your son for you for 24 hours?
To give you time to sleep and recharge and potentially break the cycle you’re both in.
I know that’s a big ask of someone but if my sister was that exhausted I’d absolutely do it.

Then you can have a look at what your little one ‘should’ be doing that his age and ideas to structure your day and ideas to play - my advice would be always go outside! Boys need to run off steam - find somewhere safe and let him run without interruption, run with him and let him lead the play.
As a previous poster said, 30 mins is more than enough time in one activity!

Cars, balls, water, puzzles, books, Tupperware containers and wooden spoons, blocks , a little tent, a seesaw would all be likely to interest him at his age.
Switch the iPad to the tv and decide on a 30mins period where he’s allowed it on , once a day ideally, and not before bed time and stick to that. He’ll quickly learn the routine.
If he wakes at 7 he really needs to be back asleep by 7 and definitely should still be napping for 1-2hours after lunch - but if he is only having a few hours sleep every night he might need 2 sleeps a day to get back on track; generally sleep breeds sleep!

Have a look at this guide for more ideas www.foundationyears.org.uk/files/2015/03/4Children_ParentsGuide_2015_WEB.pdf

Oh , and just to add- the health visitor might be able to help you gain some 0-2 year old funding for a nursery place now before his 2 year old funding comes in, which would help you have a break too!
Good luck

@Cantthinkofausernametbh are you able/willing to put him in nursery a couple of mornings a week to give yourself a break? You are worryingly underweight and whilst the welfare of your child is very important, so are you.

I would also recommend seeing a HV.

If you take him to the park does that tire him out? Is his bedtime routine and bedroom settled and calm?

1. Try books when he first wakes if books haven't been part of your daily routine til now. Give him a sippy cup of warm milk and read him some thing simple while he drinks it. Lift the flap books are great.

1. You dont need to eliminate screen time if you need a little time eg to tidy or cook, but make screen time routine, predictable & limited. E.g. allow 30 mins after tea etc. Structure it in a way he understands eg "you can have 3 octonauts episodes". Aftee each one, warn that he has 2 left, 1 left/last one etc.

After a few days he will learn what to expect and the predictability should limit tantrums.

1. If there is anything that makes him sleep, do it. He sounds overtired, do whatever you can to help him get some rest.

1. Activities - toddlers love a "job". Tell him you are cleaning up and need his help - get him to sweep the floor with a brush, or wipe some thing with a cloth. You can create tasks like this - tip the laundry on the floor and get him to put things into the washing machine. Sit with him and encourage him to help you find pairs of socks.

1. Talk to him. All the time. There may be bigger issues with speech (I'm not qualified to comment), but at 19m it's quite common for a boy to only have a handful of words. Just keep on chatting away with him, naming the items in your home etc.

Does he point, or draw your attention to things that interest him at all? Eg point out the rubbish truck, or a passing train?