Starting to hate motherhood.

[Cantthinkofausernametbh]

Hi everyone. I’m a single young mum, partner left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My ds is now 19 months old and defeats me most days. Will not sleep, sometimes will not go to sleep till five in the morning and then wake up at 8 refuse to take a nap and scream all day long. Tantrums are so bad he makes himself projectile vomit all over himself my carpets etc. He has no interest other than a phone or an iPad. I’ve got him plenty new toys over the Christmas period (mega blocks, ride on toys, wooden blocks, drawing board, hopper, little people play set) not interested in anything else. He cannot do much at all and goes through times where he will forget everything he knows including his name. Could say mama and now can’t. I try so hard to teach him to speak and he just won’t co operate, I sing to him, ask him to say stuff, speak to him lots, engage in playing with him, he has colourful bath toys which I repeat the number letters and colours over and over, I try to repeat myself as much as possible but it’s getting me no where. He gets fed up starts screaming and I give in and give him the iPad. I try to take him out but he refuses to walk and will scream if I take him in the garden where he has toys and chalk. Took him to soft play a few times but he was not at all too interested after about 30 minutes. Please give me some tips and tricks to make things easier for him, I think he screams because he wants to communicate with me but can’t. Been to the gp and they said there’s nothing wrong with him. What’s some ways you teach your little ones to speak? Or to play? Or any fun activities that keep them occupied? Please help

I really feel for you op, it must be really, really hard on your own and endless broken nights.

Sounds as though you are in the middle of a vicious circle This leapt out at me from your op:
"He has no interest other than a phone or an iPad"

Sorry op but I think you need to just hide these away from him completely. You are totally in charge of how much access he has to them and imho , he's just too young for them. Could you try a routine like toasted suggested with just a limited bit of children's telly thrown in. Most importantly, try and get outside with your child every morning, to the park, on the bus, to the library or playgroup. It's very very hard by yourself though and takes iron discipline especially when sleep deprived. Do you have any outside help or support at all, from family or friends? Ask your health visitor for support; tell her you are struggling. Any Surestart centres nearby? Any support groups for single parents? Failing that, could you team up with other young mothers in your area? Meeting up in the park or in town a couple of mornings a week might just lighten the load a tiny bit. Post on Mumsnet local maybe? Hope things improve for you both soon

I would definitely speak to a health visitor rather than your GP. Push to get someone to come out next week.

But I agree he is going to be absolutely exhausted. Re teeth Ambasol liquid on a teether every few hours then just before bed and the baby Ibuprofen just before bed - knocks calpol out of the park for teeth. But if he wakes up in the middle of the night distressed/in pain (as long as it is at least 5 hrs after the Ibuprofen) you can give him some calpol then also, meaning you should both be able to get some more sleep.

Is he napping in the day? They really still need a nap during the day at this age, even if you can get him to have 45 minutes that’s something. Do you drive?

My DC is 18 months and isn’t too interested in toys either. He likes things that aren’t too much like proper toys (altho he does love his bath toys). He has a little kitchen then lots of little pots/utensils and a tea set - all very much like the real thing and he loves these. He has some old spice jars with pasta in which loves, a small shopper and this morning he has loved playing with a rinsed out Starbucks cup! He would much rather have played with that than any Duplo, shape sorter etc.

Agree on the phone and IPad - just take them away completely.

I put the radio on wherever we are for a bit of background noise. My DC likes to have a bit of a dance to the music as well.

I’m still figuring it out with the whole speech thing and don’t know what’s normal myself but a HV should be able to tell you.

30 minutes of soft play is enough for anyone! I think fresh air activities if it’s dry would be better, walk, park, feeding ducks, might help to make him sleepy.

Go cold turkey on the Ipad.Tough but he will come around in a few days.

Another one that thinks you need to speak to another health professional.

With the teething. Don't be afraid of giving him pain relief. Calpol and or ibuprofen.

Do you have anyone who could stay with him overnight while you sleep. If you can get a good night's sleep, it will be much easier to take the iPad and be strong enough not to give it back all day. You need to do this for a few days. If he doesn't improve after that, go back to the HV,/ Gp

My twins both have ASD - one experienced a significant regression about 18 months old. I would keep asking your HV for help. Also google to see if there’s a portage service in your area and if you can self refer. They helped us a lot.

I would ask your HV for some help but I'd also totally change the routine. He may have some other issues going on but you need to rule out him being over stimulated by screens and getting a lack of stimulation from the right places.
In the morning get him used go getting up and straight out. Toddler group, walking, library whatever just out of the house. Then home for a nap and lunch. Afternoon screen free activity like garden, playdoh, painting etc if he gets upset that's fine but don't offer the ipad!
Late afternoon perhaps a couple of appropriate tv shows and then dinner, bath, wind down and bed.
I'd be consistent with this for a good few weeks and I would be surprised if there was no improvement at all.

Sounds like my eldest as a toddler espically with the sleep. He was the same and has autism and ADHD.
Ask your health visitor for help and get rid of the iPad. Restrict it right down to 10-20 minutes a day. What’s his routine like?

I’d get him to the HV, too.

Get back to your GP and demand your dc is referred for further checks op.
I am absolutely NOT scaremongering here but from personal circumstances where my GP refused to listen about a very ill tiny girl.met so many other parents over the years who had been brushed off by their GP.You are the mum and you instinctively know when something is wrong.trust that instinct.
Make as much noise as you need to to be heard.
Really hope things are dealt with very soon and you and your dc are happy and healthy.

I don’t want to sound like the ‘perfect parent brigade’ here but at 19 months mine had never played on a phone or an iPad, and didn’t until they were about 3.5 and started playing the CBeebies app. Take them away completely. As a PP said, the TV is better because you can play and engage with him while it’s on.
The sleep situation sounds extreme. Even with teeth coming through, he (and you) cannot survive on so little sleep. Please see a GP if it carries on.
30 mins at a soft play sounds completely normal for a 19 month old, they don’t have long attention spans.
I wouldn’t be too concerned about a lack of speech at 19 months, but a loss of skills is more concerning.
Do you have a helpful health visitor?

You poor, poor love. I can feel your fatigue. I was a single mum to DS1 who was a non-sleeper and it was a killer. It's not an easy age you're at with your little one. It's tough, so, so tough. And on so little sleep, it can make motherhood hellish. But your flags are similar to ones I experienced not with DS1 but DS2.
From my own experience with DS2, who is ASD but doing incredibly well, I would advise you to push super hard for a paediatric referral. Don't be afraid to 'go there'. It's never nice thinking our children might have developmental problems but intervention can really help turn the tide in your little one's favour. So push hard for that.
The loss of skills, the extreme lack of sleep, the not playing with toys, the lack of speech. I had all of that with DS2. I didn't have tantrums to deal with, but the rest, yes. What I did do was go outside a lot (we have a dog, so I was forced to get outside). And this helped so much. I remember when DS2 just wouldn't respond to his name. The dog would come running to me whenever I called DS's name but DS2 would be totally engrossed in other things. It was so frustrating.
Anyway, I won't bore you with my saga.
Install a screen cracking app, OP. Show your little one that it's 'broken' and the screen is cracked, then tell him you have to send the ipad away to the ipad doctor. The ipad just has to be 'gone'. This worked an absolute treat with my kids when they were younger.
Push damn hard for paediatrics: they may start with a hearing test, then an assessment, then speech and language. All sorts of support opens up when you do this. And you suddenly have tools to work with and you learn to understand what kind of parenting your little one needs. It's a steep learning curve and every child is different.

Hi everyone I have decided to sell the iPad I think that’s the best case, I will book another appointment with the gp on Monday and just go on from there. Regarding his routine usually we go like this

630-7 he wakes up
7-7:30 breakfast
7-30-10 playtime
I usually take him to my sisters or my sister comes over she has twin girls who are only five days older sometimes we go to soft play but usually settle for the park
1 I try put him down for a nap
If he sleeps then he wakes up around half one
In between this time he’ll have a snack during playtime and lunch either before or after his nap
When he wakes up o usually just give him cuddles for around 10-15 mins because he wakes up really grumpy
And then play time till it’s bed time at 7:45 of course it doesn’t always work like this and I almost depend on the iPad to do other things like make him tea or clean up I do live alone and it’s sometimes the hardest task in the world to listen to his screams of frustration when I haven’t slept in months. I know this might sound naive but I never imaged motherhood to be so..almost physically painfuldoes anyone have any ideas on what activities or which toys will occupy him to forget about the iPad?

Don’t sell the iPad. It’s absolutely fine to use it some of the time to get stuff done.

Hi there
You are doing a fantastic job, don't blame yourself for nothing.
Take care and hope things get easier slowly slowly 💞

Just a thought, but toddlers often need 11-12 hours of sleep a night, so if he's getting up at 6:30, maybe aim for bed around 6:30 too? It does sound like he's massively over-tired. Do you have a well-established bedtime routine?

I would bring naptime earlier and bedtime earlier. Nap more like 12.30 and bedtime more like 6.45. Worth a try.

Really at 19 months he shouldn’t even know of the existence of an iPad!

It’s a very seductive tool and everything else pales into comparison with its instant gratification.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t sell it, don’t you need it? I would only use it when he isn’t around though.

I agree with PP about seeking medical support for the not sleeping.Your life sounds hellish and I would do anything that made it even slightly better.

DEFINITELY get rid of the iPad!

I'm a teacher and I can categorically tell you that they damage kids' concentration, patience and imagination.

He'll develop much more normally if he plays physical games and looks at books. Tv is actually much better.

He got it as a gift from my mum when he turned one I don’t really need it or use it tbh so it won’t really come in handy for me, most of you that have mention your child having a learning difficulty could you please tell me how they are doing now? What helped them catch up and regarding his sleep he won’t fall asleep any earlier than 7 and if he does he used to wake me up at 4.30 which drove me mad having to wake up in the middle of the night and tend to his needs. I honestly love him so much but I dream about having a day I can spend in bed catching up on sleep having a hot bubble bath and I’d kill to eat a hot meal in peace, I know I’m just venting now but if I went to someone irl they just tell me to get over myself it’s all part of motherhood which I understand to an extent but it’s just me 24/7 and it feels like my battery has run out a very long time ago, I’m 5”5 and dropped down to just 46kg due to having to be on autopilot all the time never having the time to eat and just feeling miserable all of the time like the sh*ttest mother in the world. I do also tend to snap and I hate myself for it because he doesn’t even know what he’s doing yet but after a full night of no sleep and tantruminf which then leads to vomit I just want to cry sometimes.

Where do you live? I teach baby and toddler signing - proper BSL signs but it's tailored to babies and their mummies! It could definitely be a frustration thing xx

@binkybinky West Yorkshire

My twins are 3.5 now, still non verbal and don’t really understand any words. They understand lots in other ways, just not language.

I can’t tell you whether your son has a neurodevelopmental issue but I would keep on at doctors and the HV specifically about the skills regression. There are a few things that can cause loss of skills so it definitely needs to be checked out.

I would be pushing for a speech and language referral although that usually doesn’t happen until 2 at the earliest and for a referral to a paediatrician.

Portage have been a massive help with developing their play skills.

My boys are making progress at their own rate and we are just sorting out getting them into a specialist school. Every child is different though and your child may not have any ongoing issues and just have some short term delays. But the regression and the sleep issues (DT2 still only gets 6-7 hours of sleep per 24 hours) sound similar as does the lack of playing.

A HUGE factor that I have forgotten to mention is that I am fluent in fathers languages and have family who speak one language but not the other and I do live in England, could that be what’s causing the speech delay? I try to stick to one language as much as I can but it’s not possible to do due to having Greek family on one side and Russian on the other

Being bilingual does cause a degree of speech delay but it's not a bad thing and they catch up. 19 months is still very little. I agree with PPs that you need to lose the iPad. My DD's behaviour definitely suffers if she has any time playing the CBeebies games on my phone. I'd say he needs to get out every day, even if you just put him in the buggy and go for a walk. Get a good waterproof coat for you and a raincover for him and get out whatever the weather. Good for you both. Also don't expect him to nap before he's had his lunch, always give him a good lunch first. You might find giving him dinner at lunchtime helps - that helps DD nap for longer. He sounds utterly exhausted (as do you!) and that can't be helping.