To say it’s us or the dog

[Totallyfedupnow]

My mother is visiting for a few days and has brought her dog, which is an 8 year old rescue dog. While I was out, the dog jumped up and attacked my TV, knocking it off the low table it sits on. In the process the screen was badly fractured, the TV no longer works and is most likely unrepairable. The TV is almost new (only about eight months old) and no, not insured, and yes, it’s the only TV we’ve got. Apparently there was a penguin on TV that the dog didn’t like and he just went for it.
This is bad enough. But as it’s got older the dog has started getting spooked more and more often, and every so often it will take exception to something inoffensive my son (aged 6) does (like standing up or coming into a room) and go for him too. Last time it bit him on the shoulder (lightly) and frightened him badly. At Christmas it got spooked by my niece (aged 7) when she and my son were playing with toys on the carpet and went for her. It has also bitten the back of my calf as I left a room. So far no blood has been drawn but it is frightening and who knows if or when the bites will become more serious. And now I’ve just lost our TV.

The trouble is my mother is devoted to her dog, and always finds an excuse for why he was “provoked” (at Christmas my sister was blamed for letting the children play with their Christmas presents on the floor....). She now has a crate at her house which she puts the dog in when visitors come, but I don’t have room to store a crate in my home. I think we are now at the stage where I am
going to have to say, if you visit us you have to leave the dog with a sitter. My mother is not going to like that AT ALL as she is devoted to both my son and the dog, sitters are expensive, and she is a pensioner. Aibu?

One of my childhood buddies was badly bitten as a child. He's had to live all his life with facial scarring. Poor bloke.

It's your house. Why have you not felt able to put your foot down before? How do you think your mum will react and why is that insurmountable for you?

I am forever baffled by posters coming here and outing themselves as negligent parents.

Seriously get a bloody grip. Your mother and dog should've been out of the door with the threat of the police on Christmas Day.

But no you just wimpier and serve up your children to be attacked.

This is not so much about the dog (not letting it come is a no-brainer), but about you being able to stand up to your mother.

... or rather being unable to stand up to your mother.

I think this is why you're finding it so hard, even while your family is getting injured as a result of your indecision.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, and I saw that as an owner of a dog I can not trust to be 100% safe (never bitten anyone else but has snapped at me and my ex). I have muzzle trained him so that he can wear a basket muzzle when people are over. These allow dogs to drink through and eat treats (albeit awkwardly) and so they can be safely worn for longer periods of time. I will also keep him in seperate rooms to lower his stress levels if I feel a situation is too overwhelming for him.

There is a small possible plus to your mum's dog in that it appears to be showing a degree of bite inhibition - not breaking the skin, but it's still not good and yes, you need to put your foot down about it either not coming over at all, or securely muzzled 100% of the time it is around people.

You have to be the bad guy. Yes your mum will be upset. Don't get into it though.

No negotiations. Simple message, ideally by text, so she can work her emotions through away from you.

"Mum, the Dog situations are now too much. I have had to decide that Dog is not allowed in my house any more. I know it is inconvenient for you but I won't be changing my mind. Love you x"

If she says anything you can shut it down with "I know you feel that but my mind is made up."

YANBU, never let that dog in your home again! YABU to not have home insurance though, and YABVU to have let the dog come back again once it's already bitten the kids!!

Just wanted to add my thoughts & experience of dog aggression.

I have fostered 2 dogs (beagle & beagle cross) who both had behavioural issues. I am a confident, experienced dog owner, so I wanted to offer them a chance in life. I worked very hard with the first boy, he had a terrible early life and I understood where much of his reactive stuff came from. We did really well with him at home & I was committed to working with him with a view to adoption. Then his reactivity towards my existing dog ramped up & added an extra challenge. Again, I knew the triggers to look out for & was prepared to put in a lot of work - along side the behaviouralist (who I was on the phone to every day). Then one day, on the lead, he went for a small girl walking past. Luckily, I was in full control & he was unable to get to her, but it was very scary.

That was the line crossed that I refused to proceed with. I would never put the safety of anyone, especially a child, at risk. We live in a very nice area with lots of families. We walk daily in a very well known 'park' with lots of children and I would never put anyone at risk.
Responsible dog ownership means recognising that our dogs are not to be pampered & excused. Much as I love mine, and others, the safety of anyone coming into contact is paramount.

Your mother is wrong. That's it.

How far away from you does your mum live? I'm just asking as I regularly read on here of parents/family staying for days and weeks, and sometimes - for months on end. The idea that they need to stay for days is strange to me, unless she lives hours away (even then, overnight at most). I've never encountered this before until coming to this site. If she has pet responsibilities, then she either gets a neighbour to feed it, or she visits you during the day and is back home at night.

worldendingfire that’s a very good idea - I have a feeling it was a smaller rescue charity than Dogs Trust but worth checking

You are in charge here! Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean she's right. I would not let that dog in my house again, whatever she says. This dog has given you several warnings, it's a matter of time before something more serious happens

This is not a dog that should be around children. The tv incident would have been a final warning and the first bite of (or even snap towards) me or my children would have it banned from my house.
Could you approach it from the opposite angle by saying the dog is clearly stressed being out of its home surroundings and that it is clearly not coping being around the children/strangers and it's unfair on it of your mother to bring it into an environment that it clearly isn't coping with?

As a dog lover I think it's wonderful that people rescue dogs and very often even a previously abused dog can go on to become a loving pet with zero issues, but we have to be honest that doesn't always happen. No wonder that a dog which has been badly treated as a puppy may have problems. That's why a good rescue centre will carefully assess dogs and refuse to allow adoptions to families with children where there is any doubt about safety. Some dogs need specialist care and are not safe around children. Those dogs need to be given a good life in a secure environment with reduced stress levels. It's just not fair on them to put them in a position where they could behave badly and end up being out to sleep.

In this case it sounds like this dog would be happy if kept in a quiet routine at home with your mum and she is careful about walks. The excitement of Christmas and small children is probably too much for him. If she is visiting or having visitors she may be better off getting a trusted dog sitter to look after him. If she is constantly visiting and having visitors that might be difficult, but if she can afford it then it would only be similar to someone who has a sitter when they are at work.

When the very first incident happened, it was in the evening at my mothers house (3 hours away from ours). I was really scared and shocked as was my son (then about 4 or 5) and I think my mother was too. But because there was no blood or bruising, and because the dog had never previously gone for my son, even when he was a toddler, and because I have never owned a dog and am not an expert on these things, my mother’s arguments that it was a one off because the dog had been scared and no damage had been done ended up carrying the day. If it had happened at my house or if we lived closer it might have been different - I could have left or told her to take the dog away immediately - but we had nowhere else to go at that time of evening and she takes the view that in her house she makes the rules.

The next times it happened were at my flat in the evening. This time it was my mother three hours from home with nowhere else to go. I was furious and said the dog had to be kept out of any rooms where my son was - which only lasted about an hour before doors started being left open and the dog started coming back into rooms to find my mother.

My sister finds it much easier to impose a dog ban mainly because she has three cats. And lives much further away. And has a husband and a reliable childminder, whereas I am a single parent and occasionally have to call on our mother to help, such as when I have to travel overnight for work.

Re the TV - my mother is far more contrite about this than the child biting. I think this is because she would rather pay for a new TV than accept that her dog is no longer safe around children. And also its constant broken presence cannot be forgotten or denied like a light dog bite can be.

Say no to the dog.

And get contents insurance.

This is pretty much unanimous OP - dog stays at home, mother visits you alone.

Muzzle or crate are potentially options but is that nice for the dog? I'd have thought the dog would be happier at home.

I find it so odd that people think it's ok to take their dog to other people's houses when they can't control the dog.

No to dog, you MUST keep your child safe. Find alternative childcare for your overnights.

At 8, it’s unlikely the dog will change, regardless of behaviour training. Dog was rescued as a puppy then presumably fostered til your mum took him on. Possibly inbred/badly bred from unsocialised dam as from a puppy farm, maybe removed from the rest of the litter too early so never learnt bite inhibition. I wouldn’t let it near my dc.

You can approach it from a dog welfare pov if you think that's more helpful with your mum. The poor dog clearly isn't happy if he is biting and acting up. He will be a lot happier in a calm, safe place at home or with a dog sitter.

You cannot let your mother set the tone here. Sounds like this is a very useful watershed to put a stop to what's become a little bit of a bad dynamic. You need your mum and she knows it, so she can throw her weight around more whereas she knows full well she wouldn't dare with your sister? Oh no no no. Especially as it's clear she'll put her blinkered views on the dog before her grandchildrens' safety.

'Ok Mum this is it. I do not want the dog around my children again. It's not safe, end of, and if you want to argue differently all that tells me is that you put the dog, and you wanting him around, before your grandchildrens' safety. Just like you, my house my rules.'

And you stick to it - because she will use her leverage (you ned childcare) to try and overrule you. You WILL need to cut her dead on it and have a backup plan for the next overnight.

Hopefully you'll only have to actually follow through once - because when push comes to shove, she won't want to not see her precious grandchildren. But you will need to be firm and not afraid of shrugging your shoulders and saying, no, if you seriously think this is ok then I'm actually fine with them not seeing you - I don't want them in the care of a grandmother who will risk their safety with a dangerous dog for her own selfish satisfaction.

Hopefully that will hit home. It will also be useful in drawing a strong new boundary. She thinks she has you over a barrel. Time to set fire to the barrel!

The more worrying thing though is that your pensioner mum has a dangerous dog she's not really in control of. It only takes a split second with a startled dog catching a blood vessel when no one's around at home for your mum to end up the casualty.

The aim here should be getting the dog rehomed OR to a behaviourist.

But first, guess it's time to see who she really is more devoted to - your son or the dog. Remember, one of these you have ultimate responsibility for and therefore control access to!

I’m sorry but a dog that had attacked a child unprovoked and scared them would not be coming back into my home. Sorry but my child’s rights to be safe in their own home our weigh any other family’s wish to bring their pet.

No way would a dog who bites be coming in my home no matter who it belonged to. The TV accident would annoy me too but the idea of the dog getting the arse with a penguin on the screen made me laugh. I looked after my friends dog once and she took exception to the burglars on Home Alone had to turn it off in the end as she wouldn’t stop barking at the telly.

Nope, get the dog out before something really serious happens.

Oh OP what a horrible situation for all concerned.

On just seeing your title my immediate & quite unreasonable thought was "oh, dog, every time" ... but having read your initial post, I am sorry - your mother is exactly the sort of person who should not be allowed to own a dog.

She is failing on training, her own lack of awareness for the NEED of training is horrifyingly apparent, she is making excuses instead of taking responsibility, & she seems oblivious to the awful potential of real damage to her GC's.

but my mother basically ignored me and carried on as if nothing happened This was the point you could have asked her to go home.
Really.
Nothing else is getting through to her is it?
She is going to have to find a dog-minder for the time she wants to spend at your house. If she makes more excuses like she can't find one or can't afford one - we're back to my original point - she has no business owning a dog.