Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was rude

107 replies

happilysinglemum · 07/02/2020 07:25

My mum died a few weeks ago. They say after she died my ex sent this message: O .k , I fully understand this is going to be a difficult time and a great deal to sort out but I’m concerned about the boys believing I’m being set aside again just as I have been in the passed,especially over Christmas.I’m not wishing to be difficult but at this stressful time I do expect respect as the boys father and ofcourse my roll as Son in-law and again Bother and Sister in law until you decide to do as remains outstanding by law. As I have already expressed I will help out to ease the stress at anytime.

Background is that we’ve been separated 5 years, not divorced and at Christmas he told me I had an obligation to host him on Christmas Day as we were still married (2 children) I didn’t and spent the day with my Mum and the rest of my family. Until this message he spent most Saturdays at my house seeing the children.

Was this message rude?

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 07/02/2020 07:29

Yes. Not surprised he is your ex!

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2020 07:29

Why aren't you divorced and why does he see the children at your house?

(Sorry for your loss)

Winterwoollies · 07/02/2020 07:30

He’s making your bereavement about himself. He sounds selfish.

Harriethen · 07/02/2020 07:32

He sounds batshit crazy and you should have divorced him by now.

Stressedout10 · 07/02/2020 07:33

Tell him to jog on and stop trying to elbow in on everyone's grief he is a non entity.

CalmdownJanet · 07/02/2020 07:35

So basically "Hey I know your Mam just died but we're not divorced so you need to make sure I get attention as grieving son & brother in law" eh fuck off love, that's more than rude, what an attention seeking prick

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Titective · 07/02/2020 07:37

Good summary @CalmdownJanet

No wonder he's your ex. It's not about him. Life doesn't and can't go on as normal when people are grieving.

QueenofallIsee · 07/02/2020 07:39

Emotional vampire much!?! Tell him he gets exactly the respect he deserves - the respect a man who tries to hijack a death to make a ridiculous point gets i.e none. With a hearty side of fuck off you pillock

Supertrooper98 · 07/02/2020 07:39

I'm confused. No his message doesn't sound rude. It sounded to me like he wasn't been giving any opportunity to see the kids during this time... was he seeing the kids?
Now the thing about you hosting him for Christmas is bizarre and obviously ridiculous. But I find your OP hard to understand

WTF99 · 07/02/2020 07:40

Sounds like he doesn't want to be your ex and still considers himself a part of your family
I don't think the message is rude, but it is oddly entitled given you've been separated so long. I'd get the divorce sorted if I was you

QueenofallIsee · 07/02/2020 07:40

He sent that the DAY after her Mum died - so it can’t be that the death disrupted his access

CochonDinde · 07/02/2020 07:41

Did her get to see the kids? Sorry for your loss Flowers

AlwaysCheddar · 07/02/2020 07:42

Get a divorce! What a twat he is.

SingingLily · 07/02/2020 07:45

Yes, it was rude, OP. More than that, it was downright insensitive. I'm sorry that it's caused you unnecessary upset. And I'm very sorry about your mum 💐

EggysMom · 07/02/2020 07:48

"We have SEPARATED. You are no longer her son-in-law, nor XYZ's brother-in-law. Thank you for your condolences but, if you wish to grieve, please do so privately."

Obviously the part about condolences is sarcastic.
I think he's angling for an invitation to the funeral.

Original poster
happilysinglemum · 07/02/2020 07:49

Thank you. He had seen he children 4 days before mum died. About to divorce him, the only reason I hadn’t yet is that I will have to pay court fees, that’s money I need for my children, he doesn’t pay maintenance and I’ve not bothered chasing as he doesn’t work.

OP posts:
Original poster
happilysinglemum · 07/02/2020 07:50

He didn’t get an invite to the funeral. Smile

OP posts:
Home42 · 07/02/2020 07:53

Not so much rude as insane and controlling. Stop letting him in your house and ignore loony shit like this!

BottleOfJameson · 07/02/2020 07:54

Not so much rude as bizzare and deluded. Why on earth does he think bring legally married to you still entitles him to anything? I am see why he's an ex. Sorry to hear about your mum op. Glad you spent Christmas together.

SlowDown76mph · 07/02/2020 08:01

...does he think that any possible monetary inheritance will become a marital asset..?

Oulu · 07/02/2020 08:05

There's a simple answer - if he wants respect he needs to demonstrate that he deserves it, e.g. by going out and getting a job so that he can support his children.

CoraPirbright · 07/02/2020 08:09

...does he think that any possible monetary inheritance will become a marital asset..?

Ooh-er SlowDown makes a good point.

The mind boggles Confused. What thought processes does someone go through to concoct a message like that and the press send. What a bell-end.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/02/2020 08:10

I read it as him saying he's there for anything you and your family need and that he doesn't want to be pushed out - he wants to be there for you and the kids and to grieve your mom too.

Is that not the case? Obviously you know whether he's a twat or not.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2020 08:10

If your Mum leaves you any money you bet he will be after a share
If she has use it to divorce the arsehole

I’m sorry for your loss x

Maduixa · 07/02/2020 08:10

If that's the only message he sent, it does seem rude to me - he didn't even say he's sorry about your mum.

... until you decide to do as remains outstanding by law...

Not sure what this means - he thinks you're dragging your feet about the divorce, or he's suggesting you're not doing as legally required in giving him access to/time with the children? Given that he's not even paying child support, it's a bit rich for him to talk about your obligations to him. I'd keep him out of family stuff as much as possible - he can see the boys separately and have them home promptly when his time is up.