To think this was rude

[happilysinglemum]

My mum died a few weeks ago. They say after she died my ex sent this message: O .k , I fully understand this is going to be a difficult time and a great deal to sort out but I’m concerned about the boys believing I’m being set aside again just as I have been in the passed,especially over Christmas.I’m not wishing to be difficult but at this stressful time I do expect respect as the boys father and ofcourse my roll as Son in-law and again Bother and Sister in law until you decide to do as remains outstanding by law. As I have already expressed I will help out to ease the stress at anytime.

Background is that we’ve been separated 5 years, not divorced and at Christmas he told me I had an obligation to host him on Christmas Day as we were still married (2 children) I didn’t and spent the day with my Mum and the rest of my family. Until this message he spent most Saturdays at my house seeing the children.

Was this message rude?

Divorce him before he starts thinking about grabbing your inheritance!

Make him see the dc at his place, not yours. Don't enable him. He is a selfish, self-absorbed, illiterate twat, making your grief all about him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

And apply for CM. What a lazy fucker.

Ah, just seen your extra post.

Yes, contact at an agreed location is a good plan. He sounds like an all-round loser. What kind of dad is he? Do the dc like seeing him?

If he wants his position as son-in-law, brother-in-law etc to be respected, he needs to act like one: ie, rally round to support YOU and the family members who are most deeply affected by this loss. That's his role right now. Unbelievable he's making this about him.

If he's not paying maintenance - go straight to CMS.

Arranging to for him to see the children at a seperate location is a really good idea. But either get someone to go with you, or go instead of you.

He's definitely after money. Teach him some respect & grammar.

It did not read as a rude message to me.
He started out expressing how difficult a time it is. He’s reminding whoever that he’s the GCs father and that he’s happy to help out ease the stress at anytime (which would include consoling his children, the GCs).

I guess it all depends if when you read it you use a sarcastic tone of voice or not.

Sorry for your loss. He's a self centred and controlling twat. Best not to engage with the madness further, I have my own loony ex who's a narc. so I know its not easy but grey rock everything unless it is specifically about the kids. Unfortunately, they want your mental space to be taken up with them even when its negative so the best way to really annoy them is to not give them any response or satisfaction.

I guess it all depends if when you read it you use a sarcastic tone of voice or not.

It rather more depends on whether you recognise it as an attempt to retain a high profile in the OPs life, in the wider context of a seriously abusive relationship.

OP, this man is using a variety of methods to maintian control over you. You are doing the right thing by preventing him from entering your house.

Try to stop responding with anything more than the bare minimum of information. Don't tell him how his behaviour makes you feel or what you intend to do about it. Don't justify anything because he will just twist it and use it against you.

Use the grey rock technique and keep interactions to just making contact arrangements and similar.

It rather more depends on whether you recognise it as an attempt

Oh, you mean reading between the lines, or making shit up.
Of course the Ex is going to be in OPs life because they have joint parental responsibility for the children and have not yet bothered to get a divorce.

Twat.
Well rid OP.
An inheritance is definitely on his mind.
Good idea to cease giving him access to your home.
Condolences 💐

Well perhaps divorcing him and paying the fees would have been cheaper than sharing your inheritance with him...

He started out expressing how difficult a time it is. He’s reminding whoever that he’s the GCs father and that he’s happy to help out ease the stress at anytime

You've left out the demand that he shouldn't be "set aside" when OP's mother's death really isn't something where he could conceivably expect to be centre stage. You've also left out the demand that he be shown respect. Can you not see that he is suddenly making OP's bereavement all about him?

He's a tosser and he can't spell.

YANBU that is way beyond rude

He can see the children at a contact centre

It's not rude as such but an attempt to control you again OP.

Are you due an inheritance from your mother?

It’s possible that as you are still married, he may have a claim on any inheritance you receive. This is why sometimes when parents make wills, and there are family issues, they bypass their adult children and leave the money directly to grandchildren so there is no chance a disliked in law will get their hands on it (I’ve come across this a lot).

It sounds like you would benefit from some legal advice if this is the case.

As they have been separated for 5 years I don't think he would have any claim on any inheritance

Fortunately there is no inheritance as everything has gone to dad, not that ex knob knows that!

..does he think that any possible monetary inheritance will become a marital asset..?

^This 🤔^

He squandered 70 grand rather than take responsibility for his children and his debts?

Jesus wept!

What is it with some men?

And yes - he's after money.

Thank you everyone, no more contact from him yet. We’re going out tomorrow just in case he turns up uninvited.

Good luck with the divorce