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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was rude

107 replies

happilysinglemum · 07/02/2020 07:25

My mum died a few weeks ago. They say after she died my ex sent this message: O .k , I fully understand this is going to be a difficult time and a great deal to sort out but I’m concerned about the boys believing I’m being set aside again just as I have been in the passed,especially over Christmas.I’m not wishing to be difficult but at this stressful time I do expect respect as the boys father and ofcourse my roll as Son in-law and again Bother and Sister in law until you decide to do as remains outstanding by law. As I have already expressed I will help out to ease the stress at anytime.

Background is that we’ve been separated 5 years, not divorced and at Christmas he told me I had an obligation to host him on Christmas Day as we were still married (2 children) I didn’t and spent the day with my Mum and the rest of my family. Until this message he spent most Saturdays at my house seeing the children.

Was this message rude?

OP posts:

Flufferbum · 07/02/2020 09:16

A FUCK OFF should do it OP.

ShoesandmoreShoes · 07/02/2020 09:17

I don't see how any of you 'read' anything in his message as it sounded incomprehensible to me.

If you're about to divorce and your mother has just passed then I agree with pp that he might be expecting some sort of inheritance. And also agree with pp, why is he spending time with the children at your house instead of taking them to his or out for the day?

londonrach · 07/02/2020 09:18

Hes an ex for a good reason by sound of it op. Sorry for your loss x

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2020 09:19

Rude, badly spelt and batshit.

steppemum · 07/02/2020 09:22

I read this as all about - I didn't get an invite to the funeral, so I didn't get a chance to play the grieving Son-in-law etc.

ignore, divorce, and get your access arrangements for the kids written down.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 07/02/2020 09:26

My take on this - he is rude, controlling and a pain in the ass. I'm so sorry to hear of your mum passing and at such a sensitive time for you, you don't need this fecker coming in and throwing his weight around and making demands of you.

My advice would be to take out a loan (however much the legal fees will be) and go on the best weight-loss plan ever by getting rid of this overweight buffoon from your life by divorcing him! Your kids will thank you for it.

TreeTopTim · 07/02/2020 09:32

Sounds like he is after some inheritance.

1forsorrow · 07/02/2020 09:32

It isn't a nice message at all. The only way I'd give him any slack is if he was very close to your mum and really wants to pay his respects, supporting your children is obviously a good thing but doesn't in itself involve him in the wider family dynamics.

Is he being awkward about the divorce? I got divorced, years ago, and it was very cheap, we agreed everything before hand, filled out the forms, I think it cost £5 at the time. The only problem was the judge deciding he didn't like the arrangements about the children which were very fluid, he insisted they had to be set in stone eg. one night a week and eow. I said no, doesn't fit with their commitments. He eventually agreed but said it never works out and we would be back to argue about access but it did work out and we never had a cross word about the kids. I don't know if things have changed but if he would be reasonable it won't always cost much.

I hope you are all coping, my mum died 20 years ago, I still have days when I go to pick them phone up for a chat but it does get easier.

NearlyGranny · 07/02/2020 09:33

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry your ex is being such a self-centred, needy nuisance. He's right about one thing, though - he definitely needs to be recognised as a 'bother'!

Nobody gets invited to a funeral - people can just turn up if they want to; they just need to figure out where and when which isn't difficult. They may not be welcomed at the wake, though.

CheesyWeez · 07/02/2020 09:35

Maybe off the point but I have never heard of being invited to a funeral. Unless you actually told him NOT to come, he should have bothered to come and quietly paid his respects. A funeral normally isn't invitation-only as the family don't necessarily know everyone who knew the person. That's why it's normally published in the paper. So that's down to him.

His message was unreasonable. The people who received the message could say "Did you come to the service? Can't remember seeing you"

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.
Take it easy on yourself and I hope the kids are okay.

NearlyGranny · 07/02/2020 09:36

And OP? Since he's offered to help out, why not tell him the most helpful thing he can do is to arrange to see his children at his own place as you're stopping hosting his visits?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/02/2020 09:37

What the hell does that message even mean?

Other than it is all about him, obviously.

Straycatstrut · 07/02/2020 09:39

This is exactly how my ex messages me too. Same tone. It's condescending, preachy and INCREDIBLY self-obsessed. It makes me cringe, it makes me feel sad that my boys have someone like him as a dad. He'll say the whole "My rights as a dad, it's best for the boys if I blah blah" big speech but really it's about what's best for HIM. Then I won't hear from him for 3 weeks. Then I'll get 2 words out of him. Then another few weeks, another big speech all about his struggles. HE walked out on US!

I'm always polite and straight to the point. I don't give my ex anything to throw use against me ever. I'd say something like "Thank you for your concern about the boys. They will see you soon. I will be in touch with dates and times."

Makes it clear you don't want a big discussion. I'd ignore anything else.

WheresMyChocolate · 07/02/2020 09:40

Time for change. Divorce him. Stop letting him use your house on a Saturday.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/02/2020 09:41

Maybe off the point but I have never heard of being invited to a funeral. Unless you actually told him NOT to come, he should have bothered to come and quietly paid his respects.

And this ^

Funerals, like weddings, are open to all. This is how you get complete strangers turning up just for the service (I'm not joking - there are people who do this), and often accepting any invitations given to the mourners to come for a drink to pay respects, and helping themselves even when they haven't a clue who they're saying goodbye to.

If he had cared, he would have come and sat quietly at the back and not made a fuss. I've seen this happen a lot in families where there is a rift. (I lead a lot of funerals - I'm a licensed minister.) An invitation wasn't necessary.

Straycatstrut · 07/02/2020 09:42

Also lots of and and deep breaths. You can do this xx

Jessbow · 07/02/2020 09:51

I find it quite amusing that he seems to be coming across as 'formal' ( or trying to) and yet he cant get half the words right. ( Passed and Roll)

is someone pushing his buttons? New woman?

I think he is trying to say he'll help if you need him to, just that he's saying it in a very clumsy way.

I have no doubt he will expect to attend the funeral

ddl1 · 07/02/2020 10:01

I'm not sure that I would use the word 'rude' exactly; in some ways it's worse than rude: very selfish and manipulative.

Abraid2 · 07/02/2020 10:11

His pompous message is undermined by the use of 'roll' and 'passed'?

He sounds like an idiot.

TheITCloud · 07/02/2020 10:16

Who the hell begins their message with ‘OK’ after knowing that the recipient’s mother has just died?

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Original poster

happilysinglemum · 07/02/2020 10:18

Thank everyone. There is a backstory and a few more messages which I didn’t include at the start as I wanted a reaction to that one message first.

I left 5 years ago and fled to a refuge, he was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. He hired a private investigator to find us. When we split he owed my father money and said the could fuck off if he thought he was getting that back. He cashed in a private pension and spent the 70k instead of clearing debt. I ended up going bankrupt due to my debt which came from him not allowing me to work but telling me to find the money to pay the bills. When I left he was pushing me to try webcam work to earn money. After I left he said I needed to pay him 40k to cover his living expenses from the time I left to the time the house was sold as he was paying the bills and mortgage. When I said I have no money he told me to get it from my father. He blames my father for me leaving as I couldn’t possibly have made that decision on my own 🙄

Last year he told me we weren’t separated as he visited the house to see the children. He rents a room without a bathroom or heating, is a heavy smoker and the room is damp and stinks, I’m not keen for the children to go there as one has asthma.

There have been three or four messages since, all saying very little other than I’ve not heard from you and I’ve driven round the area to see if I bumped into you, none have said sorry for your loss or how are the children, I’ve only replied to two with brief non commital answers. Until yesterday when this arrived: I’ve not heard from you for some time.i would very much appreciate an update of how matters are transpiring and when if possible I will see the boys again. This was my reply: I was extremely angry and upset by your message the day after my mum died, Which is why I haven’t phoned. I’ve considered what you said and have taken advice, I no longer want you at my house and when you want to see the boys it will need to be at a mutually agreed location. He has not yet replied. I am aware he has been driving round my area and on at least one occasion has driven past my parents house. Worth noting I live 30 miles from him and he knows no one else where I live.

Divorce will be started online this weekend.

OP posts:

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/02/2020 10:20

Very rude and very insensitive. Divorce him as sooon as you have the funds.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/02/2020 10:23

Cross posted.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/02/2020 10:27

You need a copy of your marriage certificate to send to the court your earnings and get it started asap

And tell the police he is stalking you because you have proof he is twat

Sorry for your loss 💐

BrimfulofSasha · 07/02/2020 10:30

Hi spelling makes me angry enough, without the content.

What a twat. He sounds just like an ex of mine

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