Feeling guilty for asking/accepting money from parents

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

I am going through a divorce and to get myself out of my pickle, there is discussion of my parents giving me money to buy ex H out of the property.

Nothing has been confirmed yet but my Dad has said he would happily do it but figures have yet to be agreed.

By way of background, my Dad gave me £75k to help with our deposit a few years ago. Soon to be ex H is a low earner self employed and contributed £15k. I contributed £12k but the mortgage was basically based on my income of around £51k.

The declaration of trust that was drawn up and that we have agreed to stick to is that ex H will get his £15k plus 50% of any profit (after you deduct the other contributions).

I'm too scared to get a valuation but it looks as though I will need around £40k for me to buy him out.

There has been financial abuse (I have posted previously) so as it stands I have some debt and am paying £1200 per month from my salary alone for nursery fees.

For that reason I can't get his name off the mortgage as the bank now won't let me take that on alone in light of my nursery fees. DS is only 2 so I have a little while longer to pay nursery fees although it will go down in 14 months time. DS lives with me full time.

Ex H won't wait for the money and my worry is if he gets legal advice he will realise the declaration of trust isn't binding as we are married and he could take a swipe at my Dad's original £75k. I am a family solicitor so I will make sure any money given is all done in the correct way to protect me but at this stage the only way out of this is for my Dad to give him the money.

My Dad isn't in a bad financial situation. He has savings and a second property and this sum will be a fraction of his savings but it's not peanuts to him and it's not money that can easily be replaced or built up again because of his age. I do, however, have 2 younger siblings. They haven't benefited yet from any help with a deposit as that is always given on condition of marriage and they are single. They are on track to be high earners over £100k (in say 5 years or so) so there is no desperate need there as such but they don't have savings as their income is about half that at the moment. I feel bad that I have had the £75k and will now have a further £40k odd effectively but I can't see how I will manage to keep the house (which is only 2 bed so I'm not excessively housed) without it.

I was thinking about my dad having an interest in my house so it's not a gift but the difficulty with that is that he has put my granddad in his will (to get a good chunk) and the last thing me, my siblings (or my mum!) would want is for my house to then be brought into the pot in the event my granddad who we don't get on with outlives my dad. That's why we would want it to be a gift.

AIBU to feel guilty in accepting this money?

He's giving you 75k before?! I'd feel guilty about that.
I would be so keen on accepting this after he's helped you out so much in the past. I'd feel guilty too.

Given**

wouldn't be so keen

So many typos ... you can tell I'm doing a night feed and am struggling to be awake right now!

Don't think you should feel guilty if he is able to help. Look at it as a gift to his grandchildren

I don't understand how this is financial abuse? You're the main earner, you brought a great deal more money into the marriage that your ex. Are you able to afford to increase your mortgage by £40k? If so, will the lenders accept your DF acting as guarantor for the additional amount rather than him gifting you the money?
Failing that, your DF can always gift you the money and alter the terms of his will.
I do think it's odd that your DF has stipulated that he will only give your siblings deposits if they get married. Now THATs financially controlling!

The disparity in treatment between you and your siblings is concerning. I expect many siblings would feel some resentment towards the favoured sibling and the parent in this kind of a situation.

I'm puzzled. Can you get your ex off the mortgage if your dad gives you the money?

I would feel guilty yes if it still meant that the money was being used to buy the ex out but then he still has his name on the property and mortgage. Given you are a solicitor I guess that's not what you mean?

Could your dad do it as a loan and take a charge in the house to protect the money in the future and make you feel better?

I'm surprised that as a solicitor you didn't take a more robust approach to protect your dads previous gift as such. I know of friends parents that did it as an understanding of a gift but took a charge on the property and dealt with it in their will. When divorce happened it was an outstanding debt so the ex couldn't claim any capital

In the end, your mum and dad will want you to be happy and stable and helping you out is probably their way of doing it, although your siblings might privately be a little unhappy?

I'm intrigued as to why your grandad is in your df's will. That's quite unusual unless he is owed money.
I can see why you feel guilty . Perhaps you could give your siblings an interest in your house if you ever come to move as hopefully by then you'll be in a better position. Eg. £20k each.

The disparity with the siblings is not OPs responsibility- her Dad's money is his to do with what he wishes, including the £40k for the OP's house.

OP if you feel really bad, ask him for it to be an informal loan, and agree a payment schedule with him. You may be able to remortgage in a few years and get a fair whack of the money then. You'd do the same for your child if you could, wouldn't you?

But does he have the money put aside to achieve parity for your siblings? If he has then accept it. He no doubt has a canny eye on the future and would rather use his cash to help now.
If he was remortgaging his house that would be different.

@4amWitchingHour I agree and your informal loan idea is better. It was just a way around the will problem.
However having a dm that has given every last penny of her savings to my db and still owes a loan she took out for him, which will come out of her assets when she dies I do think she is relying heavily on her df and her siblings could be shortchanged.
In fact if she was asked for advice from a client she may well counsel against client giving so much money away.
Its her df's money though and he can do as he wishes.

I dont think you should feel guilty really .Your DF is reasonably well off and can afford to help you out .I too am surprised your GF is in the will ,Does your DF have an life limiting illness ?

Could you borrow the money then once it’s sorted with your ex and you’re confident he can’t take any extra money then sell your house and give the 40k back and find somewhere smaller etc? Or wait until your other financial issues are sorted then sell?

I might consider taking the money and pay him back something a month and then once your nursery fees go down start paying him back using that with something in the contract that if/when you sell the house, he gets the remainder of the loan back before anything else

If your son needed the money you would give it to him? So your Dad is doing the same for you

To me, it doesn't sound like you can afford the house. You have to get £75000 from your father in the firs place and now another £40,000. I think you should sell the house and you and your ex should each buy a home within your means.

£1200 per month sounds like ft nursery but just to check, did your ex reduce his hours and earnings to take on some childcare? Is the deed of trust definitely invalid?

You can’t afford the house.

Sell it and star a new chapter. Don’t risk being massively in debt just because you can’t let go of a brick building.

And the nursery is very expensive! I pay around £700!

And also I thought judges were reluctant to force the sale of houses whilst minors were living there

It's a house you can't afford, that much is blindingly obvious. I don't think you should take more if someone else's money to help you keep it.

Hello! Ive been in your situation (still am in a way). Got divorced, parents gave most if not all of the deposit exH kept more than his share. When I divorced a few months later I was made redundant and spent most of my settlement on paying joint debts and staying afloat as I thought having a not so great job was "temporary".I was also pretty ashamed of asking my parents for help.

When they came and visit they decided to bail me out because they didn't like that to keep teh standard of living if myself and my daughter was impossible with my salary.

They still have an income and they help both my sister and I (so not the same in this case) but after they told me that accumulating Vs helping was not even in question I've felt a lot better about it.

They're helping me (and my new husband) to get back on the property ladder but they (and me) are a lot more conscious this time. The house is the cheapest we could get away with and so is the deposit. They also send me a monthly allowance. The only condition is that I have an honest job and work full-time. They know my job situation isn't ideal but it's not me, it's where I live. (Sorry I wrote a mini biography!)

You're a solicitor so I guess you understand the legalities more than I do. But early in my separation, my parents asked if they could do something similar to 'buy out' my ex. We were advised by my legal team that was not possible, as I would be looking for maintenance so it made no sense & wouldn't be approved.

Additionally the bank wouldn't go for it. Although on paper I could afford the mortgage on my own, they wouldn't accept maintenance payments as income & 'penalised' for having 3 kids.

Honestly I think the whole situation is really messy. I'd be reluctant in your position to take further money in this way.

Sell up and downsize. Pay your ex and DF off.

I understand why you feel guilty, I would too. Then I think of my DD and know that if i have the funds available to help her, i would.