Feeling guilty for asking/accepting money from parents

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

I am going through a divorce and to get myself out of my pickle, there is discussion of my parents giving me money to buy ex H out of the property.

Nothing has been confirmed yet but my Dad has said he would happily do it but figures have yet to be agreed.

By way of background, my Dad gave me £75k to help with our deposit a few years ago. Soon to be ex H is a low earner self employed and contributed £15k. I contributed £12k but the mortgage was basically based on my income of around £51k.

The declaration of trust that was drawn up and that we have agreed to stick to is that ex H will get his £15k plus 50% of any profit (after you deduct the other contributions).

I'm too scared to get a valuation but it looks as though I will need around £40k for me to buy him out.

There has been financial abuse (I have posted previously) so as it stands I have some debt and am paying £1200 per month from my salary alone for nursery fees.

For that reason I can't get his name off the mortgage as the bank now won't let me take that on alone in light of my nursery fees. DS is only 2 so I have a little while longer to pay nursery fees although it will go down in 14 months time. DS lives with me full time.

Ex H won't wait for the money and my worry is if he gets legal advice he will realise the declaration of trust isn't binding as we are married and he could take a swipe at my Dad's original £75k. I am a family solicitor so I will make sure any money given is all done in the correct way to protect me but at this stage the only way out of this is for my Dad to give him the money.

My Dad isn't in a bad financial situation. He has savings and a second property and this sum will be a fraction of his savings but it's not peanuts to him and it's not money that can easily be replaced or built up again because of his age. I do, however, have 2 younger siblings. They haven't benefited yet from any help with a deposit as that is always given on condition of marriage and they are single. They are on track to be high earners over £100k (in say 5 years or so) so there is no desperate need there as such but they don't have savings as their income is about half that at the moment. I feel bad that I have had the £75k and will now have a further £40k odd effectively but I can't see how I will manage to keep the house (which is only 2 bed so I'm not excessively housed) without it.

I was thinking about my dad having an interest in my house so it's not a gift but the difficulty with that is that he has put my granddad in his will (to get a good chunk) and the last thing me, my siblings (or my mum!) would want is for my house to then be brought into the pot in the event my granddad who we don't get on with outlives my dad. That's why we would want it to be a gift.

AIBU to feel guilty in accepting this money?

Why don’t you get half of Hs inheritance?

@5zeds

Sadly inheritance is treated differently but even if I did it would mean he is likely to try to claim against the original £75k. He inheritance isn't that much. £35-40k I think.

I think you should accept the help. Are you close to your siblings? If this happened to my sibling, I would have no problem with my parents doing the same. It's not as if your parents are favouring you over their other children, you need help and they can help.

I am with @Ijustwanttoretire . Sorry but you can't afford the house on your own. Downsize to a house you can afford. You earn a good salary which should be plenty for a decent home

How is he living now though, is he still in the marital home? If half of everything each isn't enough to live on and house yourself then you can't afford to live where you do. I also think you need to proceed assuming he will get legal advice.
Wrt accepting the money from your dad, how is your relationship with your siblings? I imagine giving one dc £115k and the others potentially nothing if they remain unmarried (which you will be too after divorce)would cause a rift in a lot of families .

I would also take the money. You’re looking after your son, not wasting it on a holiday.

@InDubiousBattle

He is in the family home at the moment but is moving out next weekend. Had to pay 6 months' rent upfront from his inheritance as no one will give him a tenancy based on his income.

Can you not go back to your parents for a bit.Give you breathing space to sell the house and find somewhere in a couple of years.

In light of your comments 're religion and dictating inheritance it makes even more sense as to why your dad is looking to give you this money!
Accept it in the spirit it is offered.

Sorry not RTFT but with your solicitor knowledge why don't you look at how the situation would pan out if there wasn't someone around to bail you out?
Is a move to a cheaper place not a viable option?
I don't think your father should have to hand over loads of cash to a man who has messed you around just so he won't keep doing so. There must be other options.

@Dustarr73

Yes I was thinking that. They live 2 hours away so I would have to quit my job and find something there. I do quite like the company I work for but it's an option but seems a bit drastic as it has taken me a while to build up and I am on a path here and don't want to start from scratch somewhere else but if it has to be done.

I would take the money on an informal loan basis and pay it back with the nursery fees I'd be saving when child goes to school so 28/29 months to pay back if you pay the full 1400 you pay to nursery. I'd pay an extra two payments back though as interest.

You are in a bit of a pickle trying to keep a roof over your head and your child provided for. Without help from the child's father.

I don’t think selling up and buying ‘what you can afford is realistic’ - you may be able to find a cheaper property but you’d lose even more in the cost of moving (stamp duty etc) and as you say, with childcare costs you wouldn’t get the mortgage you need anyway. Even though you can pay your bills.

If I had some money and my child was in this situation I’d want to help. If I thought them having some of their inheritance early was going to make a huge difference to their security and eventual standard of living (ie not stepping off the housing ladder for several years) I’d do it in a heartbeat. If my sibling was in this situation and my parents would /could help (and my own financial situation was stable) I wouldn’t begrudge it at all. I would want them and their child to keep the modest roof over their head too.

You’ve had help before but it sounds as though your father expects to offer that to your siblings too, on marriage, so that’s not ‘unfair’.

There are lots of ways to lean on family, especially parents. Taking childcare help, or money while they are alive, or living in the parental home as an adult, l or benefitting from inheritance... or even a parent having help from a child, say with care or care costs in old age. If you are not taking more than the family member is voluntarily offering and it is not at the expense of a sibling in need too, then I say it’s not unreasonable at all. In my family we’d do what we can for each other at difficult times.

If your situation improves in a couple of years you can always pay your father back, even if it is a genuine gift at the moment.

I think nursery costs depend where you are Lou. Mine was 1200 full time and they're all similar around here. It's crippling, so glad mine are at school now.

I wouldn't sell the house. It's very expensive to get on the housing ladder, with survey fees, stamp duty, moving costs etc. Once you're in a house, it makes no sense to have to start again in a couple of year's time.

However, I would be very open with your siblings and explain how it is just to get you out of a bind until your nursery fees go down/your salary increases, so you can remortgage. It sounds like your dad could fairly easily help them out in any case. The thing that upsets siblings generally is when there is no openness and it is done without consultation. If, in the sad event, your father died before you could pay him back, however, I would ensure that I varied the will to give them money out of your bequest, which would be only fair.

I would sell up and move back, never under estimate family support.
It's actually harder when your kids are in school. Nursery hours make working seem easier but school hours and school holidays are fair harder to juggle.

Look into moving back and start looking at jobs now. Ring-fence the 75k and get you parents to hold onto it until you are divorced (if you sell before divorce finalised.)

I think holding onto that house and staying in that area is a big mistake. Sell up and give the ex 15k plus a share of the equity after you have taken the 75k out of the equation. Also make sure they count the fact that you need to house your child so more equity comes to you anyway. Do not rollover.

Staying in that house will be a millstone round your neck, do not give the ex any more power over you. Take back your control.

Op you said 14 months before child costs reduce but moving back may reduce them quicker. Also 14 months will fly by, as you have to divorce and maybe sell up in that time.

Your income is good so you can get another job and by that time you will be eligible for a mortgage. You can take family monetary help then also.

not the point in the post but if a financial gift from my parents to buy a house was on the condition that I got married first I'd be royally fucked off. it isn't the 1950's.

I would take the money from your dad. I don't think downsizing really helps - you would probably spend 20k easily on transaction costs. You need to keep your career on track as a single parent especially so moving in with your parents seems unwise.

You could either pay it back to your dad or ask him to amend his will to take it into account.

The people saying things like - move to a cheaper house, get a cheaper nursery etc - it depends where you live! Nursery fee's where i live are close to 2k a month for a full time place (this is in London) also if the OP is in a 2bed house which is the size she needs really with her son - then downsizing is not an option so can't see how she can just find a cheaper house ?? Moving far away from her job to a cheaper area is not viable as she will need to be able to collect her son from Nursery after work each day and she has said she has no help from her ex !

I don't have any great ideas for you OP, but before buying your ex out maybe make sure there are no other options - otherwise i'd really consider taking the money from your dad and just cutting ex off for good and you can move on with you life :)

I don't get why your ex should get 50% of any profit when it is you who will be putting a roof over your DS head, your father supplied more than 50% of the original deposit, your income was used for the mortgage and presumably you paid the majority of the repayments and you were left with debt when he would not cough up during your maternity leave to support you. Add that to the fact that you alone are paying all childcare fees and I would think he should think himself lucky if you give him his £15k back and more like 20% of the profit. Surely even if your Dad gives him £40k (is that the plan?) you still need to get the lender to agree to remove your ex from the mortgage?

Don’t be silly. My aim in life is to be able to help my children should these situations occur. When I got divorced I ended up in a council flat. I’d consider I’d failed as a parent if I couldn’t stop that happening to my children. Parents do like to help

I would have your dad declare the money a gift so you could get the mortgage but have a private loan agreement and pay what you can now monthly, then increase that once the nursery fees go down.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but why don't you get your dad to pay the nursery fees for the next couple of years if that allows you to take the mortgage in your own name?