Feeling guilty for asking/accepting money from parents

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

I am going through a divorce and to get myself out of my pickle, there is discussion of my parents giving me money to buy ex H out of the property.

Nothing has been confirmed yet but my Dad has said he would happily do it but figures have yet to be agreed.

By way of background, my Dad gave me £75k to help with our deposit a few years ago. Soon to be ex H is a low earner self employed and contributed £15k. I contributed £12k but the mortgage was basically based on my income of around £51k.

The declaration of trust that was drawn up and that we have agreed to stick to is that ex H will get his £15k plus 50% of any profit (after you deduct the other contributions).

I'm too scared to get a valuation but it looks as though I will need around £40k for me to buy him out.

There has been financial abuse (I have posted previously) so as it stands I have some debt and am paying £1200 per month from my salary alone for nursery fees.

For that reason I can't get his name off the mortgage as the bank now won't let me take that on alone in light of my nursery fees. DS is only 2 so I have a little while longer to pay nursery fees although it will go down in 14 months time. DS lives with me full time.

Ex H won't wait for the money and my worry is if he gets legal advice he will realise the declaration of trust isn't binding as we are married and he could take a swipe at my Dad's original £75k. I am a family solicitor so I will make sure any money given is all done in the correct way to protect me but at this stage the only way out of this is for my Dad to give him the money.

My Dad isn't in a bad financial situation. He has savings and a second property and this sum will be a fraction of his savings but it's not peanuts to him and it's not money that can easily be replaced or built up again because of his age. I do, however, have 2 younger siblings. They haven't benefited yet from any help with a deposit as that is always given on condition of marriage and they are single. They are on track to be high earners over £100k (in say 5 years or so) so there is no desperate need there as such but they don't have savings as their income is about half that at the moment. I feel bad that I have had the £75k and will now have a further £40k odd effectively but I can't see how I will manage to keep the house (which is only 2 bed so I'm not excessively housed) without it.

I was thinking about my dad having an interest in my house so it's not a gift but the difficulty with that is that he has put my granddad in his will (to get a good chunk) and the last thing me, my siblings (or my mum!) would want is for my house to then be brought into the pot in the event my granddad who we don't get on with outlives my dad. That's why we would want it to be a gift.

AIBU to feel guilty in accepting this money?

If your Dad has offered, then accept the help as an interim measure and have an agreement that you will work to pay him back, but any amount outstanding would be evened up with your siblings if your Dad dies first.

Also, any money that is given to your ex should probably be conditional upon signing a contract in which he agrees he doesn't have any further claim on your assets and will pay maintenance. If he is not going to contribute towards the children then you could calculate a lower amount.

I know that you said there is religious reasons at play but it does seem strange about you grandfather being in the will and you DF not giving any money to siblings unless they are married. What if your siblings had a child out of wedlock?

Also I notice that your post is all about your Dad and his money. What about your Mum, what are her thoughts? Do your parents not share their money?

Agree to take the 40k on the basis that you’ll pay it back in increments. When you’re not paying childcare you could pay him £1000 a month and pay it back in just over 3 years.

My grandmother gave my mum £50k to buy my dad out a few years back, but she did it for the sake of my brother and I, who were both still living at home at the time.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but why don't you get your dad to pay the nursery fees for the next couple of years if that allows you to take the mortgage in your own name?

I was going to suggest this too. You say you would need the mortgage lender to add on £40k. If they won't, you could accept the £40k from your dad and also tell the mortgage lender that your dad will also be paying nursery fees (and set this up officially if needed), but actually you pay the nursery fees (assuming that's what you were planning to do and you can afford it).

Sounds like getting your ex off the mortgage is a top priority.

Take the bloody money, start afresh and then be the best, most devoted daughter that ever lived...

This.

If the bank won't let you take over mortgage then your exdh will still be on it so you give him money but he still has an interest. It would be better to sell, split funds and then when childcare costs go down, get a new mortgage and your DF can. Help you then also.

Perhaps your father could use the original money plus the extra he’s offering as a bulkdown payment on a new cheaper property and you go on as joint owner.

That way, his savings are tied up in property and can be retrieved by a sale and he’s not actually gifting just one of his children.

Regardless of salary/home status of the others, it will be seen as favouring one child just because they don’t want to move and aren’t loving within their means. There may be no money left to gift in a will as no one knows what the future holds.

This is just not making sense to me. You say that your nursery fees are the big stumbling block (which I disagree with - the bank is looking at your income / expenditure, not specific costs); anyway if this is the case, you will still have childcare costs, just not £1200 worth?

So you may be better off but not to the tune of £1200.

I am sorry about your marriage breakup, but I think you sound very entitled. (And I'm in a not dissimilar situation where I have 3 children and cannot get a mortgage to buy out my ex)

What I'd do is get the house valued, see about your mortgage options via a mortgage broker, and make a sustainable plan that doesn't involve taking more money from your parents.

Finally I can't see any bank buying the whole thing about £40k for nursery fees. They will only assess on your existing financial situation & what your bank statements show.

I know the situation got crazily tight here (Ireland) after the crash which is why we have such strict lending rules imposed by the Central Bank but it can't be that different in the UK.

Thanks for the all the helpful comments. It has given me a lot to think about.

For the previous poster. I am definitely not entitled! I chose the wrong man to marry. I won't be getting child maintenance or have any financial support from him while having to provide for my son without family nearby to provide childcare. I am simply looking for a solution to have some housing security. I'm sure a lot of people feel like this but for me to be working full time and not spending as much time with my DS as I like, it has to be worth it. Me struggling and having to potentially move from rented accommodation to rented accommodation with him makes me question whether the sacrifice of time with him while working full time is in fact worth it.

The backstory with ex h is he wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused to do. His way of punishing me was to assume no financial responsibility for our son.

am just trying to find the best solution for us both.

I do appreciate all the ideas. Thanks

Op are you Muslim and you dad have a sharia will?

If yes and both your younger siblings are male maybe
this is your dads way of evening things up and still have a sharia compliant will. In which case I would take the money and be grateful that I had such a great dad who not only had the means to help but the will to do so as well.

Is giving your ex 40k part of a full financial settlement in a divorce? If it's not then what's to stop him coming back for more when you divorce? If he continues to be on the mortgage won't he continue to be entitled to equity that builds up in the future? I'm not sure if you could get a full financial settlement if you still share a mortgage?

Sorry more questions than answers but you need to be sure that you won't be paying him off now and then paying him off again in the future.

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff yes my parents are. I have a younger brother and sister. Interestingly it is only my sister that I feel would be missing out and not my brother!

@Winter2020 yes it would be part of a full financial settlement. What I could do is get a consent order drawn up to say he will have no interest once he gets his money even if his name is on the mortgage.

maybe your dad also has money put aside for your sister and these large gifts are his way of staying on the right side of sharia but ensuring that you don’t overall get less than your brother.

Would he be open to a discussion on the issue to put your mind at rest? But given the circumstances of an Islamic will I would have no problem accepting his offer.

What I could do is get a consent order drawn up to say he will have no interest once he gets his money even if his name is on the mortgage.

In Ireland I tried to propose the same with my ex (still in complicated legal process). I was advised that my ex would be strongly advised NOT to accept that, and a judge unlikely to agree because there was really nothing in it for him (ex).

He couldn't apply for a mortgage in his own name. He would have responsibility still (in the bank's eyes) for any default on payments that I might do. It appeared irrelevant that my ex won't ever sort himself out to get another mortgage, or that I would never default on a payment.

OP I didn't mean you were entitled because of your marriage breakdown. I, too, married the wrong man, and 6 years after he left, I still haven't been able to properly legalise our situation, and that's with 3 children in tow. So I absolutely sympathise.

The entitled comment comes from what appears to be your expectation of such significant funds from your parents. I'm just shocked at that.

OP I don’t think you come across as entitled at all, as previous poster says. You don’t seem to have expected this help from your parents or asked for it. I’m sure most of us would want to similarly help our children if financially able to.