Feeling guilty for asking/accepting money from parents

[eyesbiggerthanstomach]

I am going through a divorce and to get myself out of my pickle, there is discussion of my parents giving me money to buy ex H out of the property.

Nothing has been confirmed yet but my Dad has said he would happily do it but figures have yet to be agreed.

By way of background, my Dad gave me £75k to help with our deposit a few years ago. Soon to be ex H is a low earner self employed and contributed £15k. I contributed £12k but the mortgage was basically based on my income of around £51k.

The declaration of trust that was drawn up and that we have agreed to stick to is that ex H will get his £15k plus 50% of any profit (after you deduct the other contributions).

I'm too scared to get a valuation but it looks as though I will need around £40k for me to buy him out.

There has been financial abuse (I have posted previously) so as it stands I have some debt and am paying £1200 per month from my salary alone for nursery fees.

For that reason I can't get his name off the mortgage as the bank now won't let me take that on alone in light of my nursery fees. DS is only 2 so I have a little while longer to pay nursery fees although it will go down in 14 months time. DS lives with me full time.

Ex H won't wait for the money and my worry is if he gets legal advice he will realise the declaration of trust isn't binding as we are married and he could take a swipe at my Dad's original £75k. I am a family solicitor so I will make sure any money given is all done in the correct way to protect me but at this stage the only way out of this is for my Dad to give him the money.

My Dad isn't in a bad financial situation. He has savings and a second property and this sum will be a fraction of his savings but it's not peanuts to him and it's not money that can easily be replaced or built up again because of his age. I do, however, have 2 younger siblings. They haven't benefited yet from any help with a deposit as that is always given on condition of marriage and they are single. They are on track to be high earners over £100k (in say 5 years or so) so there is no desperate need there as such but they don't have savings as their income is about half that at the moment. I feel bad that I have had the £75k and will now have a further £40k odd effectively but I can't see how I will manage to keep the house (which is only 2 bed so I'm not excessively housed) without it.

I was thinking about my dad having an interest in my house so it's not a gift but the difficulty with that is that he has put my granddad in his will (to get a good chunk) and the last thing me, my siblings (or my mum!) would want is for my house to then be brought into the pot in the event my granddad who we don't get on with outlives my dad. That's why we would want it to be a gift.

AIBU to feel guilty in accepting this money?

I’d sell it and return his deposit. I couldn’t have taken it in the first place though as am very independent and knowing my siblings hadn’t gotten the same would be a deal breaker for me.

You can’t afford the house and have a child to support so need to live within your own means imo.

So you paid 100 grand deposit- the house has increased in value by 80 grand....? Did I understand that correctly?

Is this just a house for you and your child?

Honestly, why not just sell up, give ex what he is owed, give your dad back his money, and then you don't have to worry about anything.
If you temporarily downsize significantly then nursery fees won't be an issue- you're a high earner with prospects of even higher earnings in the future- you could buy something else when your ex is completely out of the picture.

Turn it round, if in 20 or 30 years it is your child needing help? If the answer is yes then do it. I work on the principle of paying it on, people used to say I had a lot of free childcare from my mother but she had it from her mother and I do it for my children.

I am sure your siblings wouldn't want to see their sister and her child in a mess, your father can make sure the balance is restored by altering his will.

Your father loves you, he wants to help. Let him.

Why don't you let your dad buy the house and you buy a share and pay him rent ?

Take your dads money as a loan and as soon as the nursery fees go away take out a mortgage to repay him. Get him to write the original £75k into his will to reduce your share accordingly to be fair to your siblings.

I think it’s the only way to quickly get ex off the deeds without him sniffing after the original deposit.

You are worried your ex will get legal advice
.

And you are family solicitor??

Thanks for all the replies

@Soontobe60 The financial abuse is ex H against me. He doesn't work full time or agree to do child care or agree to contribute to nursery fees. Hence the divorce!

@MarieG10

You can't get a mortgage generally if money given by parents is specified as a loan not a gift. So the lender insists it is specified as a gift so the parents don't take a second charge over the property.

I could have had a pre nup I guess so that is where I didn't take my own advice

@MarieG10

I can get him off the mortgage once DS starts in school so his name stays on the property temporarily but I can get something drawn up to show he has no interest.

I'd take the money and put up with the guilt so I could protect my son.

The money needs to be documented in his will so it can be evened out if needed but my plan would be to save up and pay it back. It's certainly not ideal but what else can you do that will resolve this quickly and ensure your son has some stability.

@Frenchw1fe

Grandad is in the will as my Dad is religious and in our religion individuals have no freedom to choose who they leave their money to. I think you can choose how to leave only 1/3 but the rest is dictated by the religion. It's mad!

sell this flat it seems very expensive for a 2 bed - live somewhere cheaper you can afford... have you checked out if you are entitled to help with childcare costs as a single parent...or at least using teh tax free scheme

unless you can agree to pay your df back quickly afer ... or he is going to put something in his will that tese amounts are deducted from his estate - although if his money goes on care fees thats still not fair to your siblings

I would have thought the courts would force the sale of a home while minors live in it. So I would carry on as usual and your ex will just have to wait until you are in a position to sell it, whenever that may be. I wouldn’t take more money from my father; at this point it’s up to you to sort your life out. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

But you’re the solicitor.

*wouldn’t force the sale

@AJPTaylor yes he does have enough I think to treat them the same. I was thinking about it as well and as he is working post retirement (out of choice) he is netting about £10k a month so even if he didn't he could maybe build it up again (although he isn't going to work forever).

If you’re absolutely stuck I would take the money but I would speak to your dad and perhaps sibs and tell them that you consider this your inheritance, or part of it ( if your DF is planning on leaving you all money) and that you won’t be expected as much, or any when The time comes.

@InDubiousBattle yes that is the cost for full time nursery as I have been forced to work full time by non contributing ex DH. In the South East but not London or Surrey. It's pretty average here.

YABU - you earn more than my DH and I added together - move to a property you can afford on your own. Borrowing from your parents is fine if they can afford it and are willing to do it but you have already borrowed a huge amount. So basically what Dotball has said.

If I were your dad in the position I would gift my kid the money. And I would make sure my will reflects this so that my other kids are treated ‘fairly’.

Your dad is an adult. I’m sure he wouldn’t be helping you if he didn’t want to & im sure he’d do the same for your siblings if needed. You can always choose to “pay it back” to your siblings out if any inheritance if circumstances allow.
Your dad wants to help you, let him.

You have to see up and downsize OP. If you can't afford to take on the mortgage yourself I don't see how you can pay him off AND keep the house anyway. Unless your dad wants/needs you to pay the money back that he gave you then I wouldn't prioritise that as many parents are happy to give their DC an advance on their inheritance as it can avoid inheritance tax. But FGS get your ex out of your life. You need a clean slate, that means selling and getting his name off your home.

So the selling point. Let's say I sell. I am not excessively housed by the way it's a 2 bed house in a non rough area, where am I going to live. I could find somewhere maybe 40-50k cheaper but I can't get a mortgage!!

What is unfair is, I could give Ex DH half of the house and he could add that to his own savings as he has inheritance and he still won't be able to buy somewhere because no one will give him a mortgage on his 2-3 day a week salary self employed. He chooses not to work!! He will never be able to buy.

So with my half, I can't get any kind of mortgage as I'm paying full nursery fees. I will struggle to afford to rent and so will use that money to top up my rent. That will diminish and by the time I can buy once I have no child care fees I could be priced out. I can't put my DS in that position where we don't have housing security.

Actually the more I write this the more I realise if that was my DS asking me for help I would do it.

It's also making me realise that I can't believe I married such a waste of space!!

If I was in your dad's position I'd want to give you the money and feel frustrated if you refused.

my parents died something like this. They had had to bail out my younger brother a few times and then when his wife decided to leave him, my parents bought her out of the house. I was aware this happened and assumed they then owned half. A Couple of years ago they downsized from big family home to a 2 bedroomed house and told the rest of us that they were now gifting us a similar amount each which is basically our insurance early as they had in fact gifted my brother the original money. It was an amazing surprise ( parents in mid 70's and good health before anyone worries about paying back money if they die within 7 years) I kept my nose out of it when they leant him money as he was in a horrible situation and I agreed that trying to keep a familiar base for the 4 kids was a priority. Also it was my parents money and not for me to dictate what they do with it.

I don't think your nursery or housing costs sound excessive. Take the bloody money, start afresh and then be the best, most devoted daughter that ever lived...