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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Message from manager (reassure me that IABU)

89 replies

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:10

I've worked for my organisation for four years and for most of that time have had the same manager. She is generally very good, has a history of being a bit micro-managey but this has eased off a lot.

I took yesterday off sick, my first day off sick in over 18 months. Partly because I've a cold that just won't budge, and party because my son has received a few different health diagnoses in a short space of time over the past week or so and my anxiety has flared right up. My manager is aware of this.

Anyway, I had to pick my son up early from pre-school yesterday as he was also feeling unwell and had a temperature. He ended up with a fever and was very poorly. Ended up being admitted to hospital overnight on advice of 111 with dehydration.

I messaged my manager this morning to let her know what was going on and explaining I would take the rest of the week off.

She messaged back saying she was sorry to hear that but let's take it one day at a time and asking me to check in with her later to see if any work needs picking up. I responded saying that nothing needed picking up as I was due to be in meetings yesterday which I arranged to be covered, and today I was due to be out all day anyway on some shadowing at another department. Tomorrow I planned to redraft a big business submission for our director ahead of monday but I told my manager this was all in hand.

She hasn't responded, but my anxiety is sky high about this. Still waiting to be discharged from hospital with my son, but surely since it's Thursday it's not unreasonable of me to say I'll be out now for the rest of the week? There's no way my son will be back in preschool tomorrow. I think just the way she said "let's take it a day at a time" has made me feel like I've done something very wrong.

OP posts:

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 06/02/2020 09:11

Are you taking the time off as sick? If so then she just means you may feel better tomorrow and fancy picking up some work then I imagine.

Allyo19 · 06/02/2020 09:12

Everywhere I've worked, the policy is to call in sick daily, unless covered by sick note. I imagine she's just following policy.

inwood · 06/02/2020 09:12

Are you proposing to take unpaid leave / holiday or are you trying to take it as sick yourself?

It seems like a reasonable response tbh.

Sorry your son is unwell, hope he gets better soon.

Clymene · 06/02/2020 09:14

Isn't it about it being a different kind of leave? Maybe you need to make it completely clear that you're now on parental leave rather than sick leave (assuming you are)

puds11 · 06/02/2020 09:14

I think it’s just to check in daily that you’re still planning on being off rather than saying now you’re taking the whole week off.

Itsseweasy · 06/02/2020 09:15

As previous poster said, she’s probably just following policy.
My manager wouldn’t have had a problem with the time off/reason for it, however your terminology would have rubbed her up the wrong way as it’s rather presumptive.
If phrased as “It’s likely I won’t be back this week but I’ll call in the problem to update you either way” she’d have been fine.

Itsseweasy · 06/02/2020 09:16

*call in the morning 🙄

FrankieDoyle · 06/02/2020 09:16

I don't think either of you are BU.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:16

Taking it sick myself as I am still unwell (I did mention it this morning when I messaged her that I was still bad and that also my son was now poorly too).

I'm not sure what our policy is but I expect you're right and that it is to call in daily. I've only ever had single days off. Knew I was being anxious for nothing.

OP posts:

TheSheepofWallSt · 06/02/2020 09:17

I’ve been in this position and whilst you’ve done the right and reasonable thing, politically the best thing to do in these situations, with these kinds of managers, is to fake a day by day approach.

So something like “I’m very sorry that I won’t be in today- both I and my son are unwell; son so much so that he was admitted to hospital last night and is yet to be discharged. I’d like to think that there’ll be a miraculous recovery on both our parts and I’ll be in tomorrow- I’ll let you know tonight/ early tomorrow morning whether that’s the case. All work is being covered by colleague, and there should be no impact on deadlines or deliverables. Appreciate that this is a weird mix of sick leave and dependency leave- happy to discuss when I’m back in. Will keep you updated- thanks”.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:30

I should have made it clearer that I in no way think she is BU - I just wanted some thoughts on whether I was.

@TheSheepofWallSt that would have been perfect. I wish I had put a bit more thought into my message to her but I havent slept and am still a bit too worried about DS to focus properly 😔

OP posts:

birdling · 06/02/2020 09:38

She may have been suggesting that you are under estimating how much time you need off? Perhaps she doesn't want you to commit to going back until everyone is better. It's possible she is being understanding and generous.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:42

@birling entirely possible, she is lovely. But she's also a bit of a worrier herself so probably was worried that there would be a negative effect on work and also if the policy is to inform daily then she will absolutely not apply discretion to that (rightly so).

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 06/02/2020 09:46

I think your worried about your son and overthinking things.
Your manager just checked to see if anything needed collecting to save you having to come out when ill .
Get well soon.

ICouldHaveBeenAContender · 06/02/2020 09:49

If I'd written 'take it a day at a time' I would mean 'stop worrying about how things will be 5 day ahead'. As a manager, while I'd certainly appreciate knowing you might be off for several days, the main thing is knowing that a) you're not in today, and tomorrow's not looking great; and b) everything is in hand for now.

But I'd also not want to blur the line between your own illness and your son's. If YOU are ill, you get sick leave, regardless of your son's state of health. If you are well enough to work but he is ill, that's not sick leave at all. Check your organisation's policies. Maybe you can work from home if he's still unwell after you are better?

Aneley · 06/02/2020 09:53

When I ended up in a hospital for preeclampsia and took sick leave - my manager also wanted daily check ins. I did freak out a bit initially but it turned out he was just really worried for me as his wife went through the same and wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. Maybe she's worried since you are a responsible employee and never before took sick leave so she may think it is very serious if you had to take a few days now?

tenlittlecygnets · 06/02/2020 09:54

She may have been suggesting that you are under estimating how much time you need off?
I read it as the exact opposite: she think it's too early for you to say that you will be off tomorrow. She wants you to contact her tomorrow and let her know.

I'd also not want to blur the line between your own illness and your son's. If YOU are ill, you get sick leave, regardless of your son's state of health. If you are well enough to work but he is ill, that's not sick leave at all. Check your organisation's policies.
This

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:56

@icouldhavebeenacontender but I'm not thinking 5 days ahead, I'm only thinking a day ahead really. I'm not well enough to be in work today, anxiety is through the roof so by saying the rest of the week I'm only talking about one more day? Manager is aware I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD and has been aware of the personal issues piling up over the past few weeks. I've been trying to put it to the back of my mind at work and that was working until now.

OP posts:

Halestorm · 06/02/2020 09:56

I think it sounds fine - she was just checking that theres nothing outstanding and your reply would have told her that you rescheduled/reassigned any pertinent issues. I work with immovable deadlines so me being out like that a similar question would be par for the course.

And with kids, it is day to day. The could be poorly one day and bouncing the next so it was probably just to reassure you that as long as you keep her in the loop and give her a heads up about anything that may need dealing with in your absence, all will be fine.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:59

If YOU are ill, you get sick leave, regardless of your son's state of health. If you are well enough to work but he is ill, that's not sick leave at all.

I'm ill... I've got a cough and cold and feel rubbish. I've not been sleeping because of anxiety over my son's health, just for him to then be taken to hospital for another health issue. I haven't slept in days. I'm not well enough to be in work regardless of whether I was also needing to be home looking after my son.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 06/02/2020 10:09

See , your both ill.
Just tell her your I'll, and will let her know each day.
Say thanks and stop worrying, there are bugs around, we can all accept that.

ittakes2 · 06/02/2020 10:10

Maybe she misread your email and thinks you want next week off.

MimiLaRue · 06/02/2020 10:10

Every place ive ever worked has required ringing in sick every day that you are off. The only exception to that would be if you had been signed off by a doctor and had a certificate. Things can change so I dont think its unreasonable for you to be required to ring in each day you are off. It takes less than 30 seconds to do and employers need to know whats going on. If you dont have a sick certificate then you should ring in every day you are off. Its very very standard practice in my experience.

converseandjeans · 06/02/2020 10:22

I work in a school and we have to call in each day we are off - we can't just call in say Tuesday and say "I'll be off til Friday". They would want daily contact plus work sending in. It would be different for example if it was a planned operation or something.
We have to take unpaid leave now for child sickness. Luckily I never take time off but I know some people are quite upset about it.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 06/02/2020 10:22

If she's a micro-manager and a bit of a worrier herself, you mentioning your son's illness has probably confused her.

Obviously there's a monetary difference in paid sick leave for you, or unpaid parental leave/time off for dependants. She probably just wants to make sure she's following your company's policies I know my old manager used to find this difficult because their superiors would be breathing down their neck about decisions like this.

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