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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Message from manager (reassure me that IABU)

89 replies

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 09:10

I've worked for my organisation for four years and for most of that time have had the same manager. She is generally very good, has a history of being a bit micro-managey but this has eased off a lot.

I took yesterday off sick, my first day off sick in over 18 months. Partly because I've a cold that just won't budge, and party because my son has received a few different health diagnoses in a short space of time over the past week or so and my anxiety has flared right up. My manager is aware of this.

Anyway, I had to pick my son up early from pre-school yesterday as he was also feeling unwell and had a temperature. He ended up with a fever and was very poorly. Ended up being admitted to hospital overnight on advice of 111 with dehydration.

I messaged my manager this morning to let her know what was going on and explaining I would take the rest of the week off.

She messaged back saying she was sorry to hear that but let's take it one day at a time and asking me to check in with her later to see if any work needs picking up. I responded saying that nothing needed picking up as I was due to be in meetings yesterday which I arranged to be covered, and today I was due to be out all day anyway on some shadowing at another department. Tomorrow I planned to redraft a big business submission for our director ahead of monday but I told my manager this was all in hand.

She hasn't responded, but my anxiety is sky high about this. Still waiting to be discharged from hospital with my son, but surely since it's Thursday it's not unreasonable of me to say I'll be out now for the rest of the week? There's no way my son will be back in preschool tomorrow. I think just the way she said "let's take it a day at a time" has made me feel like I've done something very wrong.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 06/02/2020 10:24

Or maybe she thinks you need more than two days off.

heartsonacake · 06/02/2020 10:26

YABU. You can’t just say you’ll “take the rest of the week off sick” - you don’t know how you will feel every day.

You should phone in each and every day you are off sick - and you shouldn’t be communicating by message to tell your manager you won’t be in. That’s very unprofessional. You should always phone.

Redlocks28 · 06/02/2020 10:34

explaining I would take the rest of the week off.

If you’re using annual leave, fine. If you’re expecting to be paid as sick leave for a cold, that’s just not how it works-you can’t just say you’ll be off the rest of the week as your child is ill.

I’m a teacher and we are not allowed time off for unwell children, if it’s for everyday illnesses like cold/chickenpox etc. It would have to be unpaid or would have to go to the governors for approval if it was something more serious.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/02/2020 10:46

I think some of these replies are bonkers.

OP I'm really sorry about your son, and your own health. It sounds like you are having a really tough time.

I take on board PP's points about the different types of leave, and the interpretation about what the manager may have meant, and also that each organisation has their own policy.

If a member of my team sent me a message with that information - that she was ill, that her son was seriously unwell and had to be admitted to hospital - my only response would be 'I'm so sorry to hear that. Let me know if I can do anything. Don't worry about work' and I think there is nothing at all unreasonable in OP indicating she would take the rest of the week (2 days) off for the combination of reasons mentioned.

Whether that's sick leave, annual leave or parental leave should be sorted out after the immediate situation is rectified and OP can manage that appropriately with her manager.

I think the manager was being unfair - asking about whether OP could address work issues later is really not on. I would never do it.

I work in the public sector and it is byzantine in its rules about leave etc but at the point of a crisis, the only acceptable response is - of course. take care. let me know what I can do.

I don't think you are over-thinking it OP and I do feel your manager has responded badly.

That said, now I would focus on your son, and clarify your leave arrangements with your manager.

I hope you all feel better soon

Fink · 06/02/2020 10:47

You need to be clear with your manager (and HR, if appropriate) why exactly you are off. I get that real life is complicated, but your work need to know simply:

Are you taking this time off because you are sick? In that case, your son's condition doesn't come into it. Don't mention it. Just because you have been diagonised with the MH conditions listed, you're not expected to give exact reasons what has provoked a flare-up. Follow your contracted policy for sick leave - which probably entails calling in daily, getting a doctor's note if it continues etc.

or 2. Are you taking this time off because your son is sick? In that case it has nothing to do with your cold, it is not sick leave, it is annual leave. Follow your company's policy for that.

Your work is very unlikely to have a policy which covers two separate types of leave being needed at once. You need to decide which it is, inform your work, and stick with the policies accordingly. Either you're sick or he is, work only need to deal with one of those.

Depending on your contract and what type of leave you take, you may well need to look at whether you can do the work that you had planned for tomorrow (redrafting the submission).

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 10:48

Taking it day by day is normal. You can't 'book ahead' with sick leave (unless for an operation or similar).

You told her what you expected would happen and reassured her that work is in hand - all good, and you sound very well organised with the work.

But you can't actually take the sick leave until the day, unless you've been signed off by a doctor.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2020 10:52

Don't worry about it. I suspect she is just following procedure - if she ever needed to answer anything herself to higher-ups she could rightly say she asks everyone to take it day-by-day.

Hope you and DS feel better. Rest up.

Berrymuch · 06/02/2020 10:52

Sick days are usually to be phoned in every morning, I really wouldn't worry. Hope you are feeling better soon

PuppyMonkey · 06/02/2020 10:54

I don’t think what you said to her was out of order but I don’t think her response was out of order either. Just continue to call in sick on a day by day basis, but you’ve given her the heads up that it’s highly likely you’ll be off for quite a while. Seems fine and everyone knows where they are.

PhilCornwall1 · 06/02/2020 11:03

If you are off sick, you need to call in each day, unless you are signed off.
I would have thought they would want clarification too as to whether any further days off are sick (you are still sick), or annual/special leave is required as your child is sick.

I know I'd want a member of my team to be taking the correct type of leave for this and not sick leave, as it would go against their sickness days and we all know how much HR likes looking at those and triggering meetings. I'd be telling one of my team members they should take special leave. Family (especially children) come first every time and you shouldn't be penalised for it.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 11:18

Thanks everyone. Too add onto the massive pile of shit this week is, I've just been called by social services to say my son's birth mum has seen my company page on Facebook and has identified my home town. I'm fucking done with all this and I swear I'm on the edge of a complete breakdown. I just give up.

OP posts:

adaline · 06/02/2020 11:19

Unless you're covered by a sick note, you need to ring in daily and inform work - that's been the policy at every workplace I've been at. I've never had a job where you can just say "oh, I won't be in all week" and that's that - you need to keep them informed each day as to how you're feeling and when you expect to be back.

Take today to rest and be with your son - if you won't be back at work tomorrow then you just need to ring back in the morning and explain the situation. I hope you both feel better!

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 06/02/2020 11:26

I think you should separate your sick time and your son being unwell.

You being unwell means time off work sick.
Your son being unwell maybe means emergency carers leave for you.

For a couple of days off sick you do not need to tell your manager what you have or the reasons for your anxiety.

It's not unreasonable to check in each day.

Best wishes to your son.

Seaweed42 · 06/02/2020 11:34

It's not unreasonable to phone in each day. Your manager may be aware of other issues in your life, but she is not a mind-reader and her behaviour towards you is not her 'not caring' about you.
You have a sick son and other issues making you anxious.
Hopefully your family will support you through this difficult time. Have you a DH? Can he not take some time off as well?

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 11:38

but she is not a mind-reader and her behaviour towards you is not her 'not caring' about you

Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that was my interpretation- she's fantastic. My AIBU was about whether I had acted inappropriately by saying I'd be off tomorrow, and then whether I was BU to be so bloody anxious about it. I dont think she has done anything wrong.

OP posts:

SwansGlide · 06/02/2020 12:06

Maybe she was faintly annoyed at the sweeping "I'm taking the rest of the week off" so was subtley reminding you who's boss!

Personally I wouldn't have either used that phrase "rest of the week" (it actually sounds worse/more than simply "today and possibly tomorrow!") or speculated on the length of time. I'd have just spoken about today and finished up by saying you hope there may be improvements for tomorrow but of course you'll keep her completely informed.

I wouldn't read too much more into it. Ring her tomorrow, keep her informed daily. Hope you and your DS get better soon.

Hingeandbracket · 06/02/2020 12:11

You should phone in each and every day you are off sick - and you shouldn’t be communicating by message to tell your manager you won’t be in. That’s very unprofessional. You should always phone.

WTAF? Why? How is that "very unprofessional"`?

adaline · 06/02/2020 12:16

WTAF? Why? How is that "very unprofessional"`?

Lots of places won't accept a message. You have to ring in, otherwise it goes down as an unauthorised absence.

heartsonacake · 06/02/2020 12:17

WTAF? Why? How is that "very unprofessional"`?

Hingeandbracket Messages are casual communication for family and friends. They are not appropriate in a professional work environment.

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 12:19

I messaged her because my laptop and work phone were at home, I didn't know what time I'd be back, and she could potentially arrive at work early expecting me to be there before I'd had a chance to contact her by email or calling in.

OP posts:

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 06/02/2020 12:19

It sounds like you're mostly taking the time off because your son is sick. YABVU. You should also call in daily. You're taking the piss and she's not there to mollycoddle you, you're being paid to do a job!

Original poster

Somebodystired · 06/02/2020 12:20

Should add I messaged her on Facebook because I dont have her work mobile or personal number on my personal phone.

OP posts:

Quirrelsotherface · 06/02/2020 12:32

The fact that you have mentioned that he is in hospital should have been enough for her to say 'see you Monday, hope things improve very soon'. Unless there is some huge backstory that you're not telling us then she is a bad manager in her response.

Quirrelsotherface · 06/02/2020 12:33

Jesus, some people were at the back of the queue when hearts were handed out. Her son was admitted to hospital ffs. She hasn't said she's taking the rest of the month off, just 2 days!

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 12:35

Well, you were at the hospital and she seems to have responded and accepted your message, for today. You should phone in every morning you're off sick (phone the office by the prescribed time in the morning and follow protocol, not necessarily speak to the manager).

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