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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not paying half towards this trip

89 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 05/02/2020 22:51

Started dating a woman, who lives 4 hours away, in November. It was hard because with that distance, short dates aren't practical. After the second date, I let her book a trip away to Prague, in February. I did ask her not to, but what I didn't do is refuse to accept the gesture.

Over the last month, I've changed jobs, I'm getting ready to move house and my daughter's father is taking me to court.

Things started to feel wrong and I was sensing red flags. It felt hard to get to the bottom of with so much going wrong elsewhere, but I knew that if it was feeling like that so early on, then it's not right. I broke things off, 9 days before our trip. She's really upset with me, and listed a load of things that make me a bad partner. Some of those would be right - I'm stressed and I felt some triggers.

I offered to pay something towards the trip, and promptly sent over the £300 I had saved up for spending money. It turns out she spent over £800, and feels I should be paying at least half. I don't think I should - she could still take the trip, I didn't ask her to book this, and I certainly didn't have any say in how it was booked.

OP posts:

WantToBeMum · 05/02/2020 22:55

I wouldn't have paid her anything. As you said, you didn't ask her to book the trip and she could still go. If the cost was to be split she should have mentioned that at the time of booking and consulted you on what was being booked/paid for.

hazell42 · 05/02/2020 22:56

I think what you have done so far is fair
She was bloody foolish booking a trip so early in the relationship.
she can still go on the trip
You owe her nothing more

PrinnyPree · 05/02/2020 23:18

I think £300 is ridiculously generous, you had absolutley no say or power in this trip decision or say on the budget. I wish you could get your £300 back quite frankly, she can still go and basically pressured you into accepting to go (by the sounds of it) xxx

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:12

She's taking me to small claims court for the extra £100 she claims I owe 😓

OP posts:

PrincessMargaret · 29/02/2020 23:15

What's the break down in costs here? Did she book your flight for example?

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 29/02/2020 23:16

Has she said she's taking you to court or have you received a court summons?

june2007 · 29/02/2020 23:19

You could have asked her council sooner and she may have been able to get money back or not pay the whole lot.

redwinefine · 29/02/2020 23:26

Why on earth would you have to pay half for a trip you didn't ask for? She should be happy she got anything out of you. Also, do you know for sure she spent £800 or is that what she told you?

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:29

She booked and paid for everything after our second date, insisting it was a gift and she expected nothing in return. I had to talk her down from much more expensive destinations as well. Had absolutely no say in what was booked, am shocked at how much it all came to, some very expensive options were chosen (meet and greet airport parking, holiday inn hotel etc). She's written a very formal email saying pay up in 7 days or court.

OP posts:

Leflic · 29/02/2020 23:30

So odd. Didn’t you discuss costs at all when she booked it? She’d have a hard time proving it wasn’t “a gift” if that’s what you say you thought it was.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:32

@june2007 - unfortunately I did tell her as early as I could, most likely ending the relationship earlier than I normally would (might have given it another couple of dates to see if things seem better), so to avoid "using" her for a free holiday.

OP posts:

Olawisk · 29/02/2020 23:32

Ok.. you didn’t ask for the trip but you didn’t say no either did you when you were being treated...

You broke it off, I’d personally pay the extra £100.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:33

@Leflic no, not at all. First I knew of cost of anything was when she sent me screenshots of bookings after we broke up.

OP posts:

couchparsnip · 29/02/2020 23:35

Call her bluff and let her take you to court. She would have a hard time proving you owe anything.

Ponoka7 · 29/02/2020 23:39

Jesus you've dodged a bullet.

There wasn't an agreement to share costs, it won't stand up in Court. I watch a ridiculous amount of Judge Rinder.

LangSpartacusCleg · 29/02/2020 23:44

Call her bluff.

Ellisandra · 29/02/2020 23:45

Have you got any of your exchanges about it in text messages?
Your assertion that you don’t owe her any money is undermined by you giving her £300.
I’d still hardball as I’m guessing most people who’d threaten small claims court don’t go through with it.
If you’ve got even one message where she says she’ll pay, or acknowledges you referring to it all being paid by her - then I’d tell her to piss off.

SnoozyLou · 29/02/2020 23:48

I'd just pay the £100 to get rid of her.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:50

@Ellisandra - yes - all post breakup with her saying "you owe this and you said you'd do such and such and I have witnesses" (the witnesses thing is weird, especially given I didn't say those things), and me saying "I don't, but because I have £300 spending money saved up for this trip, I'll send you that and hopefully you can still take the trip". Absolutely kicking myself for not using the phrase "without prejudice" when saying that.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 29/02/2020 23:52

I'd have to look back further to see if any pre-breakup discussions where on text. BUT I think it's telling that she's sending a breakdown of costs and screenshots when asking for the money, because clearly I didn't have any knowledge or say in those costs beforehand

OP posts:

SnoozyLou · 29/02/2020 23:55

All of this is an excuse to keep bugging you. If you give her the £100, there are no more excuses.

Although I suspect she may try to come up with something.

Daftodil · 29/02/2020 23:55

If you’ve got even one message where she says she’ll pay, or acknowledges you referring to it all being paid by her - then I’d tell her to piss off.

This 👆

Check your texts, FB messages, emails, WhatsApp messages etc and take a screenshot in case she deletes it. If it was a joint trip, you plan together and compromise according to budgets and preferences. If you didn't get a say in the hotel, the flights, the activities etc then you had no control on the budget so I think you've been fair in what you've given.

Ellisandra · 29/02/2020 23:55

I meant, have you got any showing her offering to pay? It sounds like you haven’t?
Tbh, if you haven’t got anything to show that it was her treat, I don’t thinking writing “without prejudice” would make any difference.
I’d still tell her to piss off for the rest though!
But send an email stating very clearly that you sent £300 trying to be kind - and that she’d always said it was her treat.

Even though she’s totally unreasonable now, I can see why she’s pissed off that you went ahead with the trip idea and then dumped her soon after. But I think £300 guilt money is enough!

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 29/02/2020 23:56

You both have been stupid in this situation.

Be honest you had no intention to go away with her.
You need to be more assertive.
After 2 dates a holiday was spoken about and booked! Bonkers!
If she was on this thread, I would be telling to not run head first into bad decisions - but she isn’t on this thread.
Lesson learned , for both of you,

Piesy · 29/02/2020 23:57

Scam?

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