Not paying half towards this trip

[GeekyGirl42]

Started dating a woman, who lives 4 hours away, in November. It was hard because with that distance, short dates aren't practical. After the second date, I let her book a trip away to Prague, in February. I did ask her not to, but what I didn't do is refuse to accept the gesture.

Over the last month, I've changed jobs, I'm getting ready to move house and my daughter's father is taking me to court.

Things started to feel wrong and I was sensing red flags. It felt hard to get to the bottom of with so much going wrong elsewhere, but I knew that if it was feeling like that so early on, then it's not right. I broke things off, 9 days before our trip. She's really upset with me, and listed a load of things that make me a bad partner. Some of those would be right - I'm stressed and I felt some triggers.

I offered to pay something towards the trip, and promptly sent over the £300 I had saved up for spending money. It turns out she spent over £800, and feels I should be paying at least half. I don't think I should - she could still take the trip, I didn't ask her to book this, and I certainly didn't have any say in how it was booked.

The other stuff is just normal stuff. We agreed to buy something (personal nature), agreed to pay half. No one wants to use it now, completely understandable. She wants the half she paid for stuff like that back.

Christ, she sounds awful. Well rid.

@Ellisandra I agree! Been on the other side of it in a different relationship - booked a trip away and stressed there were no strings whatsoever and made it clear that should we part ways before the trip, one of us would go and no money would change hands. I would have felt deeply uncomfortable about making someone I'm dating feel as though I have something over them because I can book a trip away.

If there is no concrete proof you agree to pay how can she take you to court?

Nothing stops someone for taking something to court and making the other person fill out forms and attend court. I'm a single mum, work full time, in the middle of moving house and have a child contact battle with my ex. The last thing I need is any further stuff like that to deal with.

I think it’s less about the action and how it made you feel, and your response.
Her offering the treat weekend was an amber flag I’d say - it’s not so unusual, as I’ve said.
What was a red flag is that you didn’t want to, and felt unable to say no. I don’t mean this as a criticism but to me, that is where you should have ended the relationship - either you not feeling able to say no (her fault or your issues) or her over ruling you. The trip itself? Not a definite issue.
Don’t beat yourself up. You listened to your instincts without firmly understanding them, and acted. That’s great.

Paying half the trip... on the one hand, having accepted the trip, I think you can argue a moral reason to cover your share after pulling out - so I’d just move on and not beat myself up over it. I’m not saying you SHOULD - there’s different opinions on that. But I think feeling that you should is on the spectrum of reasonable responses! So don’t feel a mug, it’s done.

For the other items... she can fuck off!

She did realise if she did attempt to take you to small claims she'd have had to pay £25 if she did it online?

I think it was incredibly generous of you to send her the £300. Why on earth did she book it without discussing the details with you first? I once let a so-called friend bully me into going on holiday with her (almost 30 years ago now) and it broke the friendship. (Though in the long run that was A GOOD THING.) And that was someone I knew reasonably well and had even shared a flat with for a while, not someone I'd had one date with.

I agree with others who've said you've dodged a bullet there though - can you imagine what she'd have been like if the relationship had continued, if she was this controlling this early on?

This kind of thing is one of the reasons I always like to get things in writing, or at least an email, even with (especially with) friends and family. Doesn't always save me, but most of the time it does!

can you imagine what she'd have been like if the relationship had continued, if she was this controlling this early on?

Yes, 💯 I can. That's why I had to end it

I actually suspect there was no relationship to continue tbh. I wonder how many others she scammed like this

I think you should pay half and be done with it xxc

what a fruitbat-if she does carry on and take its to court it will be laughed out-you cant claim for everything you spend on a partne

Just seen she told you it was a gift, tbh it's a odd thing to do after a second date. As you broke up with her and if you can afford it I would pay the extra £100 so it's half the cost and then block her .

What made you think that paying her £400 was a good idea, OP?

Shes trying to scare you. It will cost her more to take you to court. Absokuty ridiculous. You'll have a statement showing toou sent 300 which Is more than you should ha e. Alarm bells were ringing ING for good reason. Block her number and move on. She sounds crazy. Keep every message she's sending as proof

You’ve paid it now, looks like you can afford it.
I’d suggest giving dating a miss until you have your boundary issues and assertiveness under control