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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Financial Irresponsibility

86 replies

muminlondon2020 · 05/02/2020 15:15

Im really struggling with my relationship and would appreciate some advice. Met DP 2.5 years ago online (me 45, him 49), lots in common, huge attraction and a real whirlwind romance. After a horrible drawn out divorce it was a magical feeling to be happy. The first year was amazing and I truly thought it was forever. He met my tweens after about 6mths they get on really well and he started staying over a lot. After several months of being at my place pretty much all the time, I asked him to make a financial contribution to cover what he was costing me in food and utilities. He did not respond to this as positively as I had expected, had a bit of a tantrum & said he had to pay for his place so it wasn’t fair to ask him to pay twice. I insisted as feeding him was expensive and he has a good job and earns about £50k so I felt it was not fair for me to be out of pocket, we both earn about the same but I have 2 kids to support (I have a small mortgage free terrace house). He eventually agreed on £300/mth, which considering I was paying for his food, alcohol, toiletries, water, elec was fair. Also I didn’t want him to formally move in & rent his place out as I wasn’t ready for that then and I don’t think he was either. Anyway more information started to come out, he has over £20k worth of credit card debts and overdraft, living month to month, spending more than he earns. Considering he inherited a mortgage free flat and this was purely from not living within his substantial means I was pretty unimpressed. He does buy me expensive gifts, although I have asked him not to, and he spent so much on my birthday gift he told me he couldn’t pay the £300 that month. It’s been rocky for a year now, he’s in more debt and I ended up having pay for our last holiday with no contribution from him. He currently owes me £2k for his share of our next holiday which he agreed to and I paid up front, but has never discussed paying me back. I have to chase him every month to get the food money and its uncomfortable for me. He doesn’t help with any cleaning or cooking other than clear up after dinner, unload dishwasher, a weekend breakfast and the odd bit of diy. By now I would have been thinking about more formal living together but I am scared by his irresponsibility and lack of reciprocity. So instead over Xmas I asked him to stay at his a couple of nights a week which he argued about but I did not back down. I got angry & withdrawn at the beginning of the month (as no £ was mentioned and I felt sick that I was going to have to raise it again) so he stormed out and is now sulking at his. The relationship is great other than this, but this is souring everything for me especially as he seems to be making no effort to make any changes. I know he blames our problems on my moodiness but does not seem to connect this with any of the above. I do struggle to talk about these issues with him as I am very fearful due to my previous abusive relationship but also how he has reacted in the past. I dont want to end what was such an amazing happy relationship and hurt my kids in the process, but I’m also frightened to stay in it and be used and dragged down by this irresponsibility. Or am I being unreasonable and unnecessarily worried (which is what he thinks)?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 15:19

Financial incompatibility is just as solid a reason to end a relationship as anything else.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/02/2020 15:25

It may have been an amazing happy relationship before but it doesn’t sound like that at all any more.

Refusing to pay his way, ignoring your views on expensive presents (which leave you having lost out financially), tantrums, sulking, storming out, blaming his problems on you, failing to communicate, hidden debts, financial irresponsibility... Yup, sounds fabulous.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable or unnecessarily worried to end this relationship (of course he’s got a vested interest in it continuing, he’s doing rather nicely out of it), you’d be doing yourself a favour.

Obligatorync · 05/02/2020 15:44

I'm afraid this would be a deal-breaker for me at this point in life

TheFastandTheCurious · 05/02/2020 15:48

Cocklodger

Whynosnowyet · 05/02/2020 15:50

He is using your generosity to live his own carefree financial life...
Fuck that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 15:51

The relationship is great other than this,

Doesn't sound like it.

He doesn't life a finger, objects to covering his own food costs (let alone holiday) and stomps off in a sulk when he doesn't get his own way.

I put down a deposit for a holiday last week and my DP transferred me his half within the hour.

I'd tell him to sling his ungrateful hook. Sorry, but I think this is what's called dodging a bullet. Do NOT EVER let him move in with you or you could become liable for his debts and your credit rating will be shot to pieces. I'd end things sharpish.

PooWillyBumBum · 05/02/2020 15:52

There is no way I’d continue the relationship. You have your own kids to provide for and think of without taking on this man!

Crazycrazylady · 05/02/2020 15:53

This will eat away at you, There is probably nothing more unattractive than some one who cant manage money and who will sulk if you bring it up.,
I would definitely end it.
Life is too short.

Bananalanacake · 05/02/2020 15:53

How would he react if you told him he can stay at yours once a week only and you're only going on holiday with your DC without him until he can pay his share. He's almost moved in without discussing it with you.

JKScot4 · 05/02/2020 15:59

It’s amazing apart from?
He’s lazy
He’s in debt
He doesn’t pay his way
He lies
He has tantrums
He blames you
Walk away, also why are you paying for holidays when you know he’s in debt and can’t even pay keep never mind a holiday??
Stop enabling him, you can do way better than this idiot.

cstaff · 05/02/2020 16:18

No just no. Why would you let him away with this carry on. He is acting like a child. The fact that he is in debt is nothing to do with you - that is of his own making and the fact that he managed to do that with no mortgage or rent is beyond belief. This will only go one direction - down down down... Sorry Op but this does not bode well.

VenusOfWillendorf · 05/02/2020 16:37

How much debt are you OK with? He already owes you what, at least 2K? Are you OK with never getting that back - and it most likely increasing? Is he open and honest about what he is spending on? Could he have a gambling problem?
Does he pay his child support in full and on time to his ex?

I know I could not live with any of that - it would make me incredibly stressed. It DID make me incredibly stressed (ex BF threw money away on bottles of champagne, expensive gifts, designer clothes, and greyhounds - while wanting to borrow his child support from me).
It will not get better, people do not change unless they really want to and he doesn't even appear to think he has a problem. So it's down to whether or not this is acceptable to you.

Aside from that, it sounds like you went from one relationship right into another. It may have been what you needed at the time - is it what you need now? Maybe time and space to yourself and to be yourself is what you need more now.

GabriellaMontez · 05/02/2020 16:48

I wouldn't hesitate to end it for the financial part alone.

But the other stuff sounds pretty bad too. Lazy and selfish.

Find someone who makes your life easier. Not more stressful.

That's a good wage. He's an idiot.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/02/2020 16:52

Cut your loses OP!

I have to chase him every month to get the food money and its uncomfortable for me. He doesn’t help with any cleaning or cooking other than clear up after dinner, unload dishwasher, a weekend breakfast and the odd bit of diy This is what women complain about with their teenagers- not grown men they are in relationships with.

At this time of life, no kids together a mortgage free house, why put yourself through it.

Purpleartichoke · 05/02/2020 16:53

Financial responsibility is an important trait in an actual partner. It doesn’t matter for a fling, but it’s a dealbreaker for a meaningful relationship.

Mintjulia · 05/02/2020 16:57

You must have worked hard to give yourself and your children a decent standard of living. Don’t throw it away on a lazy cocklodger. Sorry

19lottie82 · 05/02/2020 16:59

Urgh. Run 🏃‍♀️ and keep running!
Honestly, if your relationship progresses and he was to move in, so you want debt collectors turning up at your door while your kids are home?

PrinnyPree · 05/02/2020 17:00

He earns £50k has no mortgage how on earth is he living month to month even with £20k debt and a measly £300 day to day living expenses where on earth is the rest going. Big giant massive red flags here OP, he sounds like a child (don't get me wrong I was silly with money in my early 20s after uni and "playing" house and living beyond my means but at 37 that sh*t is well behind me, he's 49 FFS and £50k is enough to maintain a comfortable lifestyle without getting up the creek). Xxx

Tighnabruaich · 05/02/2020 17:05

The relationship is great apart from:

he doesn;t pay his way
he sulks
he storms out
he owes you money
he doesn't do his share of the household chores
he's moody

Yeah, it all sounds great. Does he have a golden cock or something? Really, you deserve to be treated A LOT better than this.

Topseyt · 05/02/2020 17:12

This doesn't sound like a relationship that is great in any way at all, so you need to stop thinking that it is.

He is a sponger, and money clearly burns a hole in his pocket. It won't get better, and he will drag you down into his quagmire of debt.

Run. Do not move in together, do not have children with him and do not marry him, if you were thinking of that.

Snowfalling · 05/02/2020 17:17

Did you say that the relationship is great OTHER the millions of red flags you've outlined in your post?

Please think about it this way. You are taking food out of the mouths of your dependent children to appease a selfish twat with expensive holidays. I would have to say YOU were the financially irresponsible one. Please end this relationship today.

SecretMillionaire · 05/02/2020 17:23

He’s spending his money and now he’s spending yours too. He’s a financial disaster. Cut your losses because he’s not all of a sudden going to become financially responsible.

Ask yourself if you would like for your daughter, sister or mother to be with someone like this.

Longwhiskers14 · 05/02/2020 17:31

I think he's lying to you about his salary – that or he secretly gambles. He earns a whopping 50k, lives in a mortgage free flat but owes 20k on credit cards and still owes you 2k for a holiday? He'll drag you down with him if you continue this relationship. You say you don't want to inflict hurt on your kids by splitting up with him, but what about the hurt of watching their mum being fleeced or, worse case scenario (but no beyond the realm of possibility), lose their home?

TheSoapyFrog · 05/02/2020 17:46

That money that you're spunking away on him and that he's refusing to give you, is money that could be better spent on your children.
Get rid of him, there's far too many red flags and you can do better.

AhNowTed · 05/02/2020 17:47

My OWN SON pays £300 and we consider that a "token" rent.

A grown man on £50K is living for £9.86 a day. At your and your children's expense.

There's nothing less attractive than a user.

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