AIBU Financial Irresponsibility

[muminlondon2020]

Im really struggling with my relationship and would appreciate some advice. Met DP 2.5 years ago online (me 45, him 49), lots in common, huge attraction and a real whirlwind romance. After a horrible drawn out divorce it was a magical feeling to be happy. The first year was amazing and I truly thought it was forever. He met my tweens after about 6mths they get on really well and he started staying over a lot. After several months of being at my place pretty much all the time, I asked him to make a financial contribution to cover what he was costing me in food and utilities. He did not respond to this as positively as I had expected, had a bit of a tantrum & said he had to pay for his place so it wasn’t fair to ask him to pay twice. I insisted as feeding him was expensive and he has a good job and earns about £50k so I felt it was not fair for me to be out of pocket, we both earn about the same but I have 2 kids to support (I have a small mortgage free terrace house). He eventually agreed on £300/mth, which considering I was paying for his food, alcohol, toiletries, water, elec was fair. Also I didn’t want him to formally move in & rent his place out as I wasn’t ready for that then and I don’t think he was either. Anyway more information started to come out, he has over £20k worth of credit card debts and overdraft, living month to month, spending more than he earns. Considering he inherited a mortgage free flat and this was purely from not living within his substantial means I was pretty unimpressed. He does buy me expensive gifts, although I have asked him not to, and he spent so much on my birthday gift he told me he couldn’t pay the £300 that month. It’s been rocky for a year now, he’s in more debt and I ended up having pay for our last holiday with no contribution from him. He currently owes me £2k for his share of our next holiday which he agreed to and I paid up front, but has never discussed paying me back. I have to chase him every month to get the food money and its uncomfortable for me. He doesn’t help with any cleaning or cooking other than clear up after dinner, unload dishwasher, a weekend breakfast and the odd bit of diy. By now I would have been thinking about more formal living together but I am scared by his irresponsibility and lack of reciprocity. So instead over Xmas I asked him to stay at his a couple of nights a week which he argued about but I did not back down. I got angry & withdrawn at the beginning of the month (as no £ was mentioned and I felt sick that I was going to have to raise it again) so he stormed out and is now sulking at his. The relationship is great other than this, but this is souring everything for me especially as he seems to be making no effort to make any changes. I know he blames our problems on my moodiness but does not seem to connect this with any of the above. I do struggle to talk about these issues with him as I am very fearful due to my previous abusive relationship but also how he has reacted in the past. I dont want to end what was such an amazing happy relationship and hurt my kids in the process, but I’m also frightened to stay in it and be used and dragged down by this irresponsibility. Or am I being unreasonable and unnecessarily worried (which is what he thinks)?

If he’s behaving this way it’s unlikely he has saved enough for retirement. If you stay with him you’ll end up supporting him in your old age which will not be fun.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the flat is not mortgage free at all.

I feel for you OP. Please take the good advice you have received. This man is abusing you. You sound like a strong, capable and sensible woman who deserves so much more. If you can’t do this for yourself yet, do it for your DC, and go to therapy to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship ever again. This relationship has the potential to ruin you financially and I would not bet against him becoming violent when all the money runs out (which it eventually will).

it's going to cause you as much heartache & misery as if he were a gambler or alcoholic.

it’s unlikely he has saved enough for retirement. If you stay with him you’ll end up supporting him in your old age which will not be fun

And, as others have said, he is a grandstanding cocklodger who is ultimately depriving your children of funds they may need for their education.

Financial compatibility is equally if not more important than sexual compatibility.

He is carrying on obviously while you are worrying and struggling, and he has the audacity to blame (y)our problems on my moodiness...

He is who is. His actions speak loud and clear. He will not change. He will make your life a misery unless you cut your losses. You will thrive without him.

It's not about losing love over money. It's not money, it's his attitude. His attitude towards your reasonable requests and solutions, and towards you for suggesting them. Yes, he is financially irresponsible and that's not great. But the issue here is how he treats you and gives himself permission to make you responsible for all this.

He is 49 years old and his still hasn't learned the lesson about spending beyond your means.

He's 49 years old and he begrudgingly makes a tiny monthly contribution of £300 to cover his expenses when he practically lives with you.

He's 49 years old and he has no savings?

He isn't looking after you so why are you looking after him? The only people you should be taking care of financially are your children.

I couldn't have sex with or be in the company of a man this selfish and financially irresponsible.

Morning, Muminlondon :)

You are a smart cookie. You do know this man's behaviour isn't your fault, don'tcha?
I got 'return chills' reading your update re: cognitive dissonance, & well remember the feeling - a dream state where I don’t know what’s what, that the actions and the words don’t match

Now my dear.
I was basically trained as a child to be like this
Yup, most of us Survivors have a childhood pattern behind our inability to maintain boundaries & spot wrong'uns. It can happen to the strongest of women, & until we spend time working on what a healthy relationship model looks & feels like, it is very hard to escape the pattern.
You know that contentious £300 that's been spaffed out every month?
Can you allocate it to therapy just for you for a significant period of time?

Once you are able to talk to a supportive expert, you will be able to discover your own 'pattern' & understand the specifics of how your formative experiences led to your previous relationship, & now this.

Remember - abusers choose their prey carefully. They may not even be fully conscious of it, but I would hazard, e.g., that Mr LuxuryAtYourExpense was boundary-testing with the things where I’ve been shocked & then had cognitive dissonance thinking he didn’t really say that, I must have misheard or misunderstood

With a good therapist, you will be able not only to work on your understanding of "the script" abusive men follow, but also your own self-knowledge & self-esteem. Look on it as an investment in your future, which your future self will look back & thank you heartily for. Adult survivors of ... unfortunate childhoods ... can be so tough & competent on the outside (we needed to be) & yet have vast, gaping holes where healthy self-awareness should have grown, but was unable to flourish.

I urge you to put your romantic life on hold while you do this - make your next relationship one with yourself, under expert guidance.
When you start meeting therapists btw, it's definitely OK to go with your gut. I was lucky in my early 30's, really lucky - got a list of recommendations for 'solo' therapy from Relate (counterintuitive, but so glad I listened!) & the moment this wonderful older woman opened the door my gut just cried out "I can trust this one!".

Learning to trust your gut can be part of this process.
That cognitive dissonance? - it fades to insignificance once your gut & your brain marry up. (They got divorced in childhood, though lack of consistent & confident parenting, or other, worse stuff). You can also ask for recommendations via your GP, but the main thing is that you feel comfortable, & that you also feel that the therapist is strong enough to challenge you.

It's hard, but exhilarating, & once armed with full understanding of yourself & the nature of how abusers operate, your armour need never fail you again. Well done again for spotting a wrong'un in time. Now spend all that time, attention (& yes, cash!) on YOURSELF.

We would have properly moved in together by now except I’m scared that’s just going to make it worse, or will it make it better?
MUCH MUCH WORSE

Read @messolini's fantastic post above. Completely agree with her. Print it out and tattoo it on your forehead!

You sound smart, organised, lovely. You deserve much, much more from life and from a relationship.

Tell him to go back to his and you will meet for dates twice a week. He has no reason to stay at yours so much.

Thank you this has been a wake up call. I’ve made contact with a counsellor and will try to find someone I click with and do the work. Love and thanks to you all.

Well done you Muminlondon.

Like the way you call it "the work" :)
Make no mistake, it is - done right, it's also the best homework assignment you ever gave yourself, & will look after you for many decades to come.

xxx

Wishing you lots of luck and strength OP