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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to give up exes pets

102 replies

Betty1119 · 04/02/2020 23:02

Ex and I split up six years ago. He moved out and due to his job , had no way of taking the two cats he had decided we should have the year before.

I've never really been a pet person but agreed to have them and didn't really have a choice but to keep them when we split.

Fast forward and I've now moved house, married and have two young DC.
For a few years the cats were never really a problem, I quite enjoyed having them around but the past year they have become unbearable.

My DH doesn't like pets full stop but tolerates them. But it comes down to him to clean up when they constantly bring in dead - or usually alive - vermin.

Since our DC2 was born 8 months ago they seem to have got so much worse. I'm starting most days by moving dead mice from the hallway and mopping up blood before our toddler comes downstairs! I'm always greeted by the remains of something or sick, furballs etc!

The worst thing is, now they have started spraying indoors! It absolutely stinks and I'm so embarrassed to have anyone visit.

It's stressing me out so much, I'm constantly cleaning.

I think I want to rehome them but worried they wouldnt go together or would end up in the wrong hands.
I'm feeling incredibly guilty over wanting to let them go, but yesterday I found one of them had sprayed on my DC highchair and it's a final straw!

AIBU to rehome them?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 04/02/2020 23:03

It won't be a popular opinion but I would rehome.

CuntyMcBollocks · 04/02/2020 23:05

Rehome them

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 00:21

This has been done to death I am afraid.

I won’t launch into the lecture about taking responsibility for your pets. But what do you mean by rehome? Are you going to find them a loving home. If you are going to surrender them to a shelter you aren’t re homing then - you are abandoning them. And if they have developed behavioural problems (probably due to stress because of changes in their home) they will be difficult for the shelter to rehome.

Have you tried keeping them in at night? Spoken to the vet about the peeing?

katy1213 · 05/02/2020 00:28

Get rid! They weren't your responsibility in the first place. I'd be tempted to leave them at your ex's - but don't be sentimental, they sound unpleasant, realistically nobody will want them so have them put down. They're a health hazard.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 00:32

Dear god she has had them for six years. You can’t just callously get rid of family pets like this (well unfortunately you can - but show some compassion).

Katy, I assume either you are being deliberately inflammatory or you don’t have pets?

RightOnTheEdge · 05/02/2020 00:32

Well YABU to call them your exs pets. He might have been the one who wanted them in the first place but you split up 6 years ago that is a long time. They are your pets.

I think of you do rehome them then I would just really, really hope that you find them a good home and be very careful about it.

jjjnnnnnrrssss · 05/02/2020 00:50

These are your pets, not your exs. You've had them for 6 years. But it sounds like you need to rehome, you're not a responsible pet owner and they deserve to live somewhere that cares for them and doesn't hate them.

Don't just dump them at a shelter, look for someone who is going to offer them a loving home.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 05/02/2020 00:54

Different scenario, but we adopted our cat directly from a family who had a toddler, and a baby on the way. She is quite nervy, and was stressed and unhappy because of the toddler being boisterous and noisy, and the family knew a new baby would be hard for her. No behavioural issues, but she was generally unsettled and upset. I bet your cats are stressed because of changes to the environment, which is why they are spraying.

We have a lovely, funny, affectionate cat, who enjoys a quiet house and a big garden, and generally being the boss - and three years on we still keep in touch with her former family. We send them photos of cat-face, they send photos of their beautiful children.

CPL here offers home-to-home adoption, so the cats are never in a shelter. I don’t know if that’s the norm though.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/02/2020 00:55

they sound unpleasant, realistically nobody will want them

katy1213. Sounds like this applies to you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/02/2020 00:58

OP. Depending on where you are please give them to a reputable charity ie. Cats Protection, Celia Hammond who will rehome them together. I suspect their changed behaviour is due to them being stressed. They deserve a loving home that really wants them.

Aloe6 · 05/02/2020 01:00

How you describe them as your exes pets. They’re yours. You’ve had them far longer than he did. Have you really not developed any sort of bond or attachment to them in all that time? Confused

Yes YABU to just get rid of them because they’re becoming an inconvenience to you. Cats spray because they’re unhappy. What have you done to understand why that is and make them feel more content?

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:25

@jjjnnnnnrrssss please tell me how I'm not a responsible pet owner??!

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 07:29

Because you seem to have limited emotional attachment to animals you have been responsible for for six years and haven’t described anything you have done to try and solve the problem

Inforthelonghaul · 05/02/2020 07:30

If they’re spraying indoors they’re stressed, scared or marking territory, they don’t do it for no reason. If you don’t want them then yes rehome them responsibly and let them go to someone who will love them, they didn’t ask for this life either.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:33

By rehome - I mean exactly that, not dump then in a carrier bag down the canal or give them free on Facebook.
I may not have been an overwhelming pet lover but I'm not cruel and they were originally adopted through CPL and I have since often donated to animal rescues, food, bedding, fundraising events etc!
I am fully aware of home checks etc which is why I said I worry about them not being homed together.
I am fond of them but my issue lies with having to put my children first and not wanting them to live in a piddle stained, dirty home.

They are fully up to date at the vets etc so I am a responsible pet owner!

Yes they are my pets now - my point was it was never my idea to have them in the first place so I haven't changed my mind.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 05/02/2020 07:34

They sound stressed and unhappy. The spraying is indicative of that - are they neutered? They're bringing their kills in to attempt to appease you, they know you and DH don't like them. Sounds sad for everyone :( Please give them to Cats Protection who can rehome them together. Hopefully they can find a much happier home.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:35

If I had limited emotional attachment I wouldn't feel guilty and I would be advertising on Facebook for any baitmen "want to get rid,free to any home"🙄

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 07:36

And don’t get any more pets. There should be a register with people who give up when it gets a bit tough banned.

So by rehome you mean you are finding a home, not surrendering them to a shelter?

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:38

@dantheman yes they are both male, both neutered, fully up to date with vets etc.
They don't have a bad life! Well fed, lots of treats.
There are lots of new cats as it's a new estate so it could be that and I make sure the toddler is gentle around them but they are happy for a cuddle.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 05/02/2020 07:40

Let's start with the spraying this is very often stress related and is often easily solved. Getting a Feliway Classic plug in and plug it in in the room the cats spend most of their time.
Cleaning up - if you are using cleaning products containing ammonia you will be making things worse as dry ammonia smells to cats like another cat has peed there. Washing up liquid or biological washing powder are the most effective things to clean up with.
Consulting your vet as there are further things that can be done to reduce stress.
All the studies show that children who grow up in households have more robust physical and mental health than children who do not. There are very, very good reasons to keep the cats to benefit your children.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:40

@Itwasntme1 where have I said about getting - or ever wanting - anymore pet's?!
Yes put me on a register!

How many more times do I need to say - REHOME!!
No I would not abandon them!
Jesus...

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 07:41

They hunt at night - have you tried keeping them in?

They are spraying because they are nervous or upset, have you tried anything for this or spoken to the vet?

Do they get enough attention? Your husband doesn’t like them, you are annoyed by them. Does anyone play with them or stroke them or show them affection?

The more you post the more I think they do deserve better. But you must see that you haven’t given the best impression of yourself.

WaterSheep · 05/02/2020 07:42

They don't have a bad life! Well fed, lots of treats.

Having a good life is about more than being fed and having treats. The cats are showing clear signs of being stressed, and yet you appear to have done nothing to address this.

Chemenger · 05/02/2020 07:44

Get in touch with your local CP branch. They will either take them in to their care or help you find a home-to-home adoption. A nice pair of well looked after, friendly, adult cats doesn’t usually take long to be adopted in my experience. We’re inundated with prospective adopters at the moment and, for once, short of cats. Better for you and them if they find another home.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:44

@lonecatwithkitten - this is all very useful thank you

OP posts:
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