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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to give up exes pets

102 replies

Betty1119 · 04/02/2020 23:02

Ex and I split up six years ago. He moved out and due to his job , had no way of taking the two cats he had decided we should have the year before.

I've never really been a pet person but agreed to have them and didn't really have a choice but to keep them when we split.

Fast forward and I've now moved house, married and have two young DC.
For a few years the cats were never really a problem, I quite enjoyed having them around but the past year they have become unbearable.

My DH doesn't like pets full stop but tolerates them. But it comes down to him to clean up when they constantly bring in dead - or usually alive - vermin.

Since our DC2 was born 8 months ago they seem to have got so much worse. I'm starting most days by moving dead mice from the hallway and mopping up blood before our toddler comes downstairs! I'm always greeted by the remains of something or sick, furballs etc!

The worst thing is, now they have started spraying indoors! It absolutely stinks and I'm so embarrassed to have anyone visit.

It's stressing me out so much, I'm constantly cleaning.

I think I want to rehome them but worried they wouldnt go together or would end up in the wrong hands.
I'm feeling incredibly guilty over wanting to let them go, but yesterday I found one of them had sprayed on my DC highchair and it's a final straw!

AIBU to rehome them?

OP posts:
Onthebrink87 · 05/02/2020 11:17

Also to add for perspective, the couple of years that I had woody, the woman who gave him to me had about half a dozen different dogs that she would take on, get bored of and rehome. I also knew a man who was unemployed and struggled for money but still got a dog to keep him company, he couldn't afford dog food (could afford to spend most weekends in the pub though) so the dog ate his scraps off his plate! Never wormed etc never saw a vet or went for walks. These are the sort of people who should be shamed and banned from keeping animals. Not people like the op OR myself and many other who have had to make the difficult decision to rehome a pet.

Whynosnowyet · 05/02/2020 11:19

I feel your pain op. My dcats would prob be happier elsewhere as they have limited access to our home for similar reasons. Mainly pissing all over our house. They love us and we love them. If they were unhappy doubt they would bring so many gifts and stay tbh. Can you limit access op? Ours are in downstairs when we are there but then utility with cosy bed /scratching post /access to car flap and lovely outdoor places to go!!
Just not in my lounge or the dc's bedrooms.

LochJessMonster · 05/02/2020 11:28

You are distancing yourself from them and dissembling by calling them your ex’s pets. But after 6 years they are YOUR pets. Your pets are no longer convenient.
this

By all means rehome them if you don't want them anymore but don't try and justify it by pretending they aren't yours.

CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 11:31

Rehome them if you want, but they are your pets. You’ve had them 6 years! I hope you don’t get any more pets in the future though if you choose to rehome these.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 05/02/2020 11:38

I've never really been a pet person
and
I said I still donate and help at fundraisers etc

I'm not a child person so I don't donate to children's charities or help them fundraise (and that's fine - we all support causes we want to for whatever reason). It seems odd for a non-cat/pet person to be so proactively engaged in something she doesn't care much for?

I hope CP can help you with a home from home adoption asap, it sounds like they will be far better off in a home without children, who seem to be causing them unacceptable levels of distress and stress.

FizzyIce · 05/02/2020 11:42

This reply has been deleted

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dentydown · 05/02/2020 11:46

Probably going against the grain, but catnip? Get them high so they don’t care about the environment or taking them to the vets for advice/medication to calm their nerves?

Hearthside · 05/02/2020 11:47

Op you are getting some flack on here which inevitably will happen. I understand where you are coming from both our elderly dogs before they passed away became incontinent and it is easier to control with dogs but it doesn't stop the fact it is hard and stressful .Not going to lie it caused some real arguments between me and DH he wanted to pts but i said no because they both had a quality of life just couldn't always get outside in time .
They sound stressed and you are stressed if you don't want to try some of the calming suggestions then i would agree contact the cpl .

stayathomer · 05/02/2020 11:52

Things change when you have children. I had this argument with my mil the other day when she said how awful people had become about abandoning them to rescue centres etc but is it not better they get a chance of going where people actually want them? A house where an animal is just tolerated isn't a home. Saying that if you can find a home for them yourself they've a better chance of landing in a good one

flirtygirl · 05/02/2020 12:36

Ywbu to have kept them 6 years ago, they should have gone with the ex or been rehomed then.

Rehome them quickly now.... but before when they were younger would have been better.
I don't get why you didn't in the first place???

Wolfiefan · 05/02/2020 12:57

@stayathomer I agree with your MIL. If you’re the sort who will suddenly not want your animals when you have kids? Then you shouldn’t ever have animals.
When you take on a pet you’re taking on a lifetime commitment. Not until I CBA commitment.
I love my cats. No way would they have been moving out because I had a baby.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 13:16

Tbh I find it odd that you help at cats protection league fundraisers, but come on the internet about This. Surely you have lots of contacts who can give you advice if you regularly engage with the cats protection league.

Speak to one of your contacts - really you will a lot more sense than on here.

danadas · 05/02/2020 13:39

Wow cat people are vicious.

Rehome them sensibly. You and the children's wellbeing comes first.

similarminimer · 05/02/2020 14:05

Dear cat experts - would it not be massively stressful for a cat who is used to a flap to be shut in? Or attached to a tinkling bell all day? Doesn't that distress them?

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 05/02/2020 14:23

Dear cat experts - would it not be massively stressful for a cat who is used to a flap to be shut in? Or attached to a tinkling bell all day? Doesn't that distress them?

The cat flap thing would be difficult if they still had access to the flap but it was locked. I have put a board over mine when I've needed to keep them indoors so they can't even see it. They seem to forget about going outside and snuggle up indoors (although important to note they know what a litter tray is for too).

The tinkling bell would probably be less stressful than suddenly wearing the actual collar if they have never had one their whole lives (as most cats are now chipped - and if not, why not?!)

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 05/02/2020 14:24

Wow cat people are vicious.

Not really. Just opposed to seeing unnecessary suffering when there are ways to avoid it. You object to that?

Rehome them sensibly. You and the children's wellbeing comes first.

Has anyone said otherwise? You are not suggesting anything new with that.

nicky7654 · 05/02/2020 14:53

They are stressed with you being pregnant and having a baby. They need love and attention to help them relax into the changes in your home. Putting them in a Rescue Centre is cruel and unnecessary.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 15:31

Thanks car flap curfew does work. Cats adjust pretty quick. Parts of Australia have introduced state wide cat curfews. Dawn to dusk.

I have a 7am to 7pm curfew for my cat - introduces after a few too many fights with other cats and dead birds brought in as presents😬. She cried at the door for a few nights but soon got used to it. Now sleeps through the night.

But I don’t think a curfew will solve all the issues in this house. The cats are stressed and need something to calm them down.

But them in a vicious cat person so what would I knowGrin

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 17:59

@Zenithbear please send me your address. Problem solves 🖕

OP posts:
LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 18:10

I don’t see why betty is getting so much grief. They were not her pets but she held on to them as they had no where to go. Now the situation has changed and it’s unpleasant for human and cats.

She clearly has some feeling for them as she’s fed and watered them and didn’t dump them some where else. Plus she obviously feels guilt because she’s on here asking for advice rather than not giving a jot and just doing it.

betty if your not a crazy cat lady it’s ok. Try and find them a living home some where. Looks like there are LOADS on here so I’m sure PP are filling your inbox up right now with their address to send them too!

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 18:14

Thank you for the helpful comments.
I donate to a rescue because it's run by a friend
I'm in contact with CPL because before DC I worked as a reporter and was happy to continue to give publicity to events and help to advertise.
I am not cruel. I didn't "get rid" when ex left (he travels weekly for work so no option to have them) because they were settled and weren't a problem.
It's very relevant to state it was my exes decision to have them - because I would never have chosen to have pets - so I haven't just changed my mind!!
They are a serious problem now and my children's safety and my well being is more important.
I have spoken with CPL and they are going to look for a new home, condition: together.
I have even said if it's an elderly person (ideally a quieter home) I will continue to pay for their insurance, vet bills etc.
So I'm sorry if that doesn't fit with some of your views of CBA, neglect or "getting Rid".
My circumstances have changed and I'm trying to do what's best.
If any of the people on here wish to "rescue" then as I'm clearky such a awful person then please feel free!!

OP posts:
Delbelleber · 05/02/2020 18:25

I've not read all replies here so sorry if I say what's already been said.

You know the dead mice etc are gifts because your cats love you?
Are you in a position to make them a cosy home in the garden shed, something like that, so they can't spray in the house?
It would be a shame to have to rehome them but I know how stressful animals can be so I do sympathise with your situation.

SexNamesRFab · 05/02/2020 18:29

Don't feel awful Betty, I remember that guilt of trying to do what's best for my babies vs what's best for my cats. Give feliway a try while you're waiting for rehome .

Sickofrain · 05/02/2020 18:37

You didn't want them in the first place, they've been dumped on you. As long as you rehome them properly eg CP, which it sounds like you would do, you've done nothing wrong.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 18:46

The crazy cat lady stuff is so bloody misogynistic.

It’s okay to car about dogs or horses, but express concern about the welfare of a cat then out come the nasty sexist terms.