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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to give up exes pets

102 replies

Betty1119 · 04/02/2020 23:02

Ex and I split up six years ago. He moved out and due to his job , had no way of taking the two cats he had decided we should have the year before.

I've never really been a pet person but agreed to have them and didn't really have a choice but to keep them when we split.

Fast forward and I've now moved house, married and have two young DC.
For a few years the cats were never really a problem, I quite enjoyed having them around but the past year they have become unbearable.

My DH doesn't like pets full stop but tolerates them. But it comes down to him to clean up when they constantly bring in dead - or usually alive - vermin.

Since our DC2 was born 8 months ago they seem to have got so much worse. I'm starting most days by moving dead mice from the hallway and mopping up blood before our toddler comes downstairs! I'm always greeted by the remains of something or sick, furballs etc!

The worst thing is, now they have started spraying indoors! It absolutely stinks and I'm so embarrassed to have anyone visit.

It's stressing me out so much, I'm constantly cleaning.

I think I want to rehome them but worried they wouldnt go together or would end up in the wrong hands.
I'm feeling incredibly guilty over wanting to let them go, but yesterday I found one of them had sprayed on my DC highchair and it's a final straw!

AIBU to rehome them?

OP posts:
buzzwizz619 · 05/02/2020 07:45

If you adopted them from CP then it's highly likely they came with a clause stating that they must not be rehomed and should be returned to CP so appropriate home checks etc can be done

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 07:47

@chemenger thank you I will do. I still have the details of the CP lady we had them from as I said I still donate and help at fundraisers etc

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 05/02/2020 07:48

I had the same when I had DD1, one cat wasn't ours to begin with the was an old housemates cat, they broke up and he came to ours, he went back to his mum's home in the end.

DP's cat would kill stuff and leave it on/in the baby's stuff, it was hard going tbh. I went into hospital to have DD2 and when I came out she was no where to be seen. Searched for her, rang all the vets etc but nothing, I think she'd had enough and left, so I kind of wish I had done what you are suggesting and rehomed her first. I don't think YABU.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 05/02/2020 07:48

Frankly, I have spent years of my life dealing with incontinence pet problems. If they are likely to be stressed due to changes in their environment, it may be a good idea to find them a nice more suitable home without children. Sometimes letting them go is more loving than keeping them with us when things are not working for you or the cats.

DahmerDarling · 05/02/2020 07:53

Re-home them. They deserve a loving home with someone who isn't going to use usual cat behaviour as an excuse to get rid. Please don't advertise them 'as free to good home' online, they are very likely to end up as chew toys for fighting dogs.

Chemenger · 05/02/2020 07:53

It’s all very well going on about a cat being for life etc but sometimes life just isn’t like that. Otherwise there wouldn’t be rehoming charities. Those cats will bring joy to another family. The OP doesn’t really deserve the flack she’s getting, she’s not starving her cats, leaving them outside 24-7, abandoning them in the countryside, neglecting their health, keeping them shut in a cupboard or doing any of the genuinely evil things we hear about in rescues. This is not one of the stories that brings tears to our eyes by any means. Not like the “loving” owner who has just reluctantly handed over a cat to us weighing next to nothing, fur totally matted, stinking of urine because she is in too much pain from various health problems to use her litter tray.

Chemenger · 05/02/2020 07:55

Finally if they came from CP they should go back to them, it’s part of the deal, we understand that circumstances change so we guarantee to take them back.

WeHaveSnowdrops · 05/02/2020 07:57

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Wolfiefan · 05/02/2020 07:58

If you didn’t want pets then you shouldn’t have let ex bring them home.
You sound quite callous. Just because they’re fed and vaccinated doesn’t mean that they have everything they need.
Keep young children away from them. Keep them safely in overnight. Try feliway.
Sounds like you CBA to try anything and just want rid now you have a new partner and baby.
Maybe they would be better off elsewhere. Sad

Chemenger · 05/02/2020 08:00

No! PTS is not the kindest for two relatively young cats. And if they are CP cats there was an agreement when they were adopter originally to give them back if no longer wanted.

SexNamesRFab · 05/02/2020 08:00

Have you tried feliway? (Pheromone plug in, basically cat Prozac). And can you control your cat flap? I have an amazing digital one which recognises their microchip. I can control it from my phone, so you could eg set it to let them out only during the night then let them in when you're around and can be sure they're not bringing anything in (hilariously called Sure Flap).

My beloved neutered boy became a right arsehole when I had my DC. Lowest point was when he pissed in the brand new super expensive pram. I even posted on here and got some of the same responses you have. Thankfully someone suggested Feliway - it totally chilled him out and I was able to enjoy another lovely 10 years with him before he passed. My DC adored him too are lovely and gentle with animals due to growing up with cats.

MashedSpud · 05/02/2020 08:00

Agree with Wolfie but just rehouse them ASAP. They’ll have a better life without you.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 08:02

Yes from the sounds of things the cats aren’t being deliberately hurt and are being fed. I just got annoyed that OP either wants doing anything to Try and solve the problem, or if she Was she wasn’t telling us. So many people come on her to feel better about giving up on their pets and they often haven’t made basic adjustments to try and improve things.

I hope OP finds a solutions where the cats have a good life.

WaterSheep · 05/02/2020 08:03

PTS seems the kindest.

How can you think that putting down two otherwise healthy cats is the best course of action, just because they're showing signs of stress. Confused

Tombliwho · 05/02/2020 08:11

OP you'll never get sensible objective answers from the cat loons.
You didn't want the cats, you probably shouldn't have agreed to keep them in the first place but you felt bad. Your kids are the priority. Rehome them.

Itwasntme1 · 05/02/2020 08:20

Yes people who think you should try and solve behavioural issues before surrendering to a shelter are loons.

Pets should be a temporary commitment, you should be able to hand them back when you change your mind or have children or it gets a bit tough. If you are providing food and aren’t hurting the animal then you are awesome.

OpportunityKnocks · 05/02/2020 08:28

If they came from CPL, then they will want them back. That is part of the adoption agreement to return to rescue rather than pass on yourself. They do checks etc.

I really don't like the anti rescue stance on MN. There are some real misconceptions that the cats live in cages. Some rescues do, a lot don't

Rescue is so much better.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 08:30

@Wolfiefan send me your address IL drop them over now!
Obviously I'm callous because I don't want the cats pissing in the cot!

OP posts:
PersephoneandHades · 05/02/2020 08:35

Your ex may have wanted them but you agreed to it and have had them for six years, so saying that because your ex was the one that wanted them is relevant to this situation in any way is ridiculous.

It is so sad the amount of animals that get thrown out once people have children, if you didn't want to commit to giving them a forever home then why did you adopt them? Seriously, you would think adults would be mature enough to understand that cats live for 15+ years and are not a novelty toy to enjoy before having kids.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh OP and this isn't necessarily directed at you but more at pet owners in general, but it is not reasonable to give up your cats because they have developed some behavioral issues after the huge environmental changes of moving, new people in the house and living with children for the first time.

It's in a cat's nature to hunt (something you would have known before adopting them), but playing/ stimulating your cats more at home through play will likely reduce their boredom and energy levels so they wont bring in small animals as often. It's also likely that your family is bringing in more germs on their shoes and hands from being outside than your cat is by bringing rodents/birds into the house, so as long as you're cleaning it I wouldn't worry about that.

Also, if they are bringing in 'vermin' this likely means that they are providing free, natural pest control for you, so I wouldn't hold that against them.

Again, they are likely spraying due to the huge life changes they have been through so as long as you ensure they feel safe and secure this should settle down with time. Animals aren't stupid, if you want to get rid of them they can probably sense that which will be adding to their stress levels. Do they have a litter box each? This may encourage them to stop spraying.

At the end of the day it is unreasonable to rehome them because you don't wanna clean up after them, that's what you sign up for when offering a home to an animal, but if you and your family are not willing to put in the work and/or are going to resent them being in their home then rehome them to a reputable charity so that they can get the loving family they deserve.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 05/02/2020 08:36

The stress of having a baby in the house will be what's causing this. They sound unhappy to me, as do you. They'll be much happier with some peace and quiet and an old ladies knee to sit on.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 05/02/2020 08:37

@SexNamesRFab thank you so much for understanding.

I am happy to try options to calm them, but I've a limited maternity pay, 2 DC under 2 and back in full time work in a month.
I'm having to search every room before I leave, turn over bouncer, tell my toddler to move every toy off the floor etc.
They have sprayed in the car seat, slept in Moses basket and ripped a bird apart inches from steriliser and washed bottles on draining board! This was after I locked then out the main part of house (they have beds/food in utility) because they had pissed in the bumbo.
It's affecting my mental health as a good mum.
It's the additional anxiety of not knowing what blood bath I'm coming back to and how much more I can put up with before the baby crawls in carrying half a mouse!!

OP posts:
starsparkle08 · 05/02/2020 08:38

I think the kindest thing for the cats is to rehome them . I would approach cats protection or any local cat shelters as they will have more time to allocate in finding them a good home and doing home checks etc. Whereas if you do this yourself it maybe much harder to find a good home ( unless they went to friends or family you know would meet their needs and aware of current behavioural problems )
It sounds as though the cats have been stressed due to the arrival of your child and once in a rescue centre the behaviour might hopefully calm down. The rescue can also work on these behaviours and ensure they go to a child free home. I would not feel guilty as I think you are doing the right thing by your cats. You may have to wait a little while for space at a rescue but I would highlight your reasons and they maybe able to help more quickly

AmandaAppleton · 05/02/2020 08:40

Getting rid of the cat flap will solve the indoor vermin issue(unless of course your house is infested, in which case, up the cats for sorting the problem). Ours are hunters and so they ask at the door to be let in : out.
The spraying might be fixed by the feliway, or they might need to go to a home without infants. In the meantime, ensure you’re clearing up the mess properly and with an enzyme destroying cleaner / scent remover so they aren’t encouraged to keep spraying in the same place.

Wolfiefan · 05/02/2020 08:41

@Betty1119 don’t want them peeing in the cot? Shut the door!
No thanks. I already have two naughty torties. One I’m allergic to and the other bites and torments the dogs and her sister. But they’re staying. Because I took them on and promised to care for them. And if that means managing their behaviour then so be it.

Booboostwo · 05/02/2020 08:45

The situation sounds very stressful for you and the cats BUT there are quite a few, relatively simple, things you can try to make things better before considering rehoming.

Firstly get a cat safe collar with a bell on for each of them. This will drastically reduce their ability to hunt. Replace the hunting with cat toys, there are loads of options in pet stores. There is a lot of advice on line for cat enrichment activities and toys.

Secondly, try to figure out which cat is toileting. If it is just one, has he been checked over by the vet for UTI, diabetes, thyroid problems, etc.?

Thirdly, if the inappropriate toileting is down to stress, try Feliway and Fluoxetine (you need a prescription for the latter. It is Prozac which sounds odd for cats but has very good results with stopping inappropriate urination).

I do think that if you rehome without trying these simple ideas to resolve the problem then you are letting your cats down and I am not as optimistic as other posters about the chances of rehoming two adult cats with urination issues.