Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

Absolutely @Motorina

The scenario I envisage is not one where money is used to show preference for a ‘golden’ child. That would be awful.

£50k might not get them 'the house they want', but it would surely get them something that is an improvement on their current flat. I would not give them more than half of what you currently have available, and give the rest to the other DC. And then split evenly in the will.

Seems quite clear OP is DC2. You don't need the full amount though, why a small mortgage with 2 working adults? Get a big mortgage like everyone else.

If the parents can afford and want to gift you £120k then why not just get 60k each. That's more than enough for a deposit.

My friends mother went into a care home the cost by the time she died for her care was an eye watering £253,000 that was five years ago.

YABU

As others have said give them both a smaller amount now.

What if DC1 got made redundant and still had large outgoings to cover? what if you had care home fees?

Why should DC1 been penalised for working hard?

Quite possibly if they earn a good wage they work lots of extra hours for no more pay because work expect it, they therefore don’t get to spend as much time with their children, they’re mortgaged you to the hilt, but that’s all ok let’s give their sibling £100,000 instead 😕

I am DC1 in this situation. Pretty much word for word including the sum involved. My parents made the gift about 5 years ago now.

On the whole I am ok about it. My parents believe I am completely fine with it. As that is what I have told them. That is about 90% true.

In absolute truth (and I haven’t admitted these to dh let alone anyone else) the 10% of me that isn’t ok about it is not ok for the following reasons:-

1. We have longevity in our family. Going on the fact that my mum was only mid 20s when I was born, with luck I won’t see my “extra” inheritance until I am in my 70s.
2. The value of the extra I will get will have eroded massively by then.
3. There are things I would spend the money on now if I had it. They are “wants” not “needs” but even so I do have thoughts on this.
4. There is a chance I won’t ever see the money due to care needs etc.
5. I did often take the “hard road” whilst db took the easy road. He is naturally more able than me but made different choices. That is why I am better off than him.
6. No matter how much I rationalise it, there is a bit of me that wonders if my parents do love my brother more. Deep down I think most of us are still 2 years old and think their mummy and daddy love the new baby more than they love us. I know that isn’t true. But it is still a thought that I have sometimes.

On the other hand my nephew gets to live in a nice home. I think that is a good trade off for my slightly hurt feelings.

If I was the child receiving the money I couldn’t accept it, my sister and I are very close and I would feel awful even though she would be happy for me.
I would split the money between both, one can improve their living situation even if it isn’t the perfect house and the other can make a substantial dent in their remortgage. You have no idea what will happen in the future, care home fees, if one parent dies the other could then change their will and ignore the previous gift, tax would be payable if they died within the time frame, gifting money can cause so many problems.

YABU. When the two GP die there might be an inheritance that would sort out DCs without parental intervention.

If there isn't, I would at least seek the agreement of DC1. Which you should be prepared not to get. If you carry on with it anyway, you mustn't expect a child treated as second best to dance attendance in your old age. Particularly as care fees mean you won't leave anything.

So DC1 worked their arse off at school and is reaping the benefits from that hard work, whilst DC2s achievement is they "have a full-time job now", had children when they lived in too small a property and are now going to get everything handed to them on a plate?

Yeah, seems totally fair.....

And let's hope care home fees or other major financial fuck ups don't occur, or poor DC1 won't see a penny.

Sorry... maybe I’m misunderstanding but isn’t a financial gift just a gift, no matter how difficult the decision about it is to accept?
There are no laws about it.
Do you know the actual terms of the will?
You can’t change gifts unless you contest and challenge.
Might be an idea to move this post to ‘legal.’

Gift an equal amount to both your children now. You can't guarantee that there'll be any money left when you die - care fees can be quite costly!

This has caused resentment between my DH and his brother and they no longer really see each other. (Not just because of this)

Of course it’s not BIL’s fault he took the money that was offered to him. DH is resentful that he never got the same opportunity. Being mortgage free at 28 is Such a privilege and meant BIL had money to invest and save.
I was jealous that SIL got to give up work when I had to go back when my DC was 9 months.

You can gift it how you wish
True.

noone has the right to question your choices.
Sadly not. Everyone has the right to their opinion, and to act accordingly.

YABU. I’m DC1 in this scenario. I’d be really unhappy if my DF gave my DSis a ton of money to make up for her poor life choices. You need to treat DC equally, not compensate for one’s inadequacies.

You know that by all logic you are being completely reasonable.
But the problem is that even when as adults we do our best to apply the logic our feelings creep in.
I can't believe there isnt a dc1 out there that wouldn't feel a bit of a sting at this, even if they make a choice to rationalise and ignore it.
Discussing with them would help for sure, but most of us are enough people that we would agree in this scenario - on paper it's the right thing to do.
But you must know that any tiny tiny bit of resentment dc1 has for dc2 or you would be hugely inflamed by this. And if could very easily damage your relationship forever.
My dgrandmother had lots of wisdom around fairness with her children and grandchildren. She had seen enough squabbling over inheritance and handouts and was only ever straight down the line fair with anything we were gifted or left in her will.
Her view was that it wasn't her job and to ensure we all had equal lives in adulthood and it wasn't her job to make sure we all had the same - her job was to make sure she gave us all the same. Not just money but opportunities , time and love. What we do with it is our own making. I am endlessly greatful and reassured by this approach!
It wouldnt have stopped her helping us out of a pickle - and shouldn't stop you either op but maybe keep that cash back for if one of your DC really needs it one day - you might find it's dc1 that does.

I have seen this several times in friends families. It has in all instances caused problems, including estrangement. The party receiving the money needed it due to poor life choices . The receiver also lived with a sense of entitlement and the parent enabled this entitlement whilst punishing the hard working sibling. 60k would help get a house and they can mortgage for the rest, just like her brother has and just like everybody else does. You have to consider care fees and also potential divorces. I know your heart is in a good place.

It's really interesting reading this thread.
When my parents die, my older sibling gets their house, and land, and assets- total worth probably several million.
I will get maybe £30-40k if I'm lucky. As will my younger sibling.

That's the way it works in our family. I have been brought up to know this, and also to accept it, and any jealousy I have been admonished for.

I have been made to feel bad for many years for being jealous about it.

I'd actually like my portion now- to put into my mortgage, and help us not to struggle so much. But the answer is no. Elder sibling gets current financial & practical support- because they are the heir.

I disagree with quite a bit of this.

Myself and two siblings were able to buy properties alone. X3 salary in the region of £35K per property. Mid 20’s 1990’s.

Younger sibling works hard. However she will never raise a X3 mortgage and buy anything other than a pokey flat in a rough area.

I’d be happy for her and her partner and child to live in a decent area with decent schools.

My parents don’t owe us anything. It’s their choice. And I’d be happy for my sister to benefit. We’ve all nearly paid off our mortgages and done improvements etc. I’d like to travel, which we’ll do later. These are what’s not needs.

It has nothing to do with love or favouritism, or hard work.

YABU

£120k is a massive amount. Half of it may not get DC2 their dream home but why should they get their dream home handed to them when DC1 didn’t? £60k is a very generous gift and will give DC2 a helping hand. The other £60k will be a huge help to DC1 as well. DC2 made a choice to have two children in a small flat, that doesn’t make them more deserving.

As everyone has said, there’s too many potential variables for evening it up in the will to be a realistic sensible option. The only way to guarantee fairness is to split the amount in half and give it at roughly the same time.

It's fine a lovely thing to do. X

I was DC3 in this: DC1 was offered a similar sum. DC1 said thank you very much however can I suggest a three way split to avoid any future contention between siblings.

It's the most appropriate way to deal I believe. Splitting it fairly. If DC1 really is financially secure they could always choose to gift their share to DC2. Good luck.

Parents in their late 60s could have twenty-odd years ahead of them. I'd say enjoy what you've worked hard for - and let adult children stand on their own two feet. Reading between the lines, it sounds as if DC2 has made poor decisions in the past.

I think it’s really harsh on DC1. It doesn’t sound like they are rich enough for this to be insignificant - mortgaged up to retirement age is hardly the dream (although most often the reality!). Don’t they deserve to have some of the financial pressure on them eased too?

Splitting it equally is the only way to go to ensure fairness and no bad feelings.

I don’t think it is the job of parents to try and equalise their adult children’s finances (except in cases of disability or other major considerations) so I think it would be a terrible idea to gift such a large sum to one child. Ultimately there can be a huge number of reasons why one sibling might end up better off but you also don’t have a crystal ball. The parents could gift the £120 k to DC2 and then something happen to DC1 that means they can no longer work. What should then happen? I think decisions to try and ‘even up’ can be fraught with emotional baggage and risk. Also relying on an inheritance that may not exist isn’t a solid way of giving DC1 their share.