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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Large financial gift to one adult child

420 replies

Betty52 · 03/02/2020 22:05

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 04/02/2020 03:02

Oh dear, kids spending the inheritance OR more accurately expecting someone else’s money.

It’s is no-ones inheritance until someone has actually died & actually left the money to to someone in their will.

Should the parent(s) decide to transfer assets over before they die, that is their choice.

Considering the impact of paying for care in the future, parting with any large sums of money to the next generation who have a roof over their head is a leap into the unknown. Better to keep the funds to hand in case of medical & care costs...& enjoying life.

IDoNotHaveABlackCat · 04/02/2020 03:56

The DPs shoukd speak with a lawyer.

It would be foolish to tie up such a large amount of their money in an asset they have no claim to.

If they wished to assist DC2 they might be better off buying long with them as tenants in comon.

What if DC2 buys the house with parent's money, and loses half (or more) of it in a divorce? Alternatively if DC2 buys as joint tenants with their partner, dies with the property going solely to the partner and not necessarily to the grandchildren in the longer term.

This sort of thing can upset family dynamics a lot. Think carefully, and get legal advice.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/02/2020 03:56

While I can understand the feelings behind the parent's plans I think the actual amount here makes this potentially very difficult.

Firstly, if they can't afford to do the same for both children they are probably depriving themselves of a comfortable retirement never mind getting to the stage they may need to pay care home fees. They are still young and should focus on this, no one else can do this for them.

Secondly, I want a bigger house, all my siblings have bigger houses. However, my house is big enough and in a nice enough area. £120,000 in the type of area described is moving up several rungs on the housing ladder, not just enough rungs. That makes this feel a bit greedy.

Thirdly, care home fees. Terrifyingly expensive and unpredictable.

IDoNotHaveABlackCat · 04/02/2020 03:57

Sorry for spelling in above post. My phone has apparently lost it's mind.

Shev1996 · 04/02/2020 04:01

It’s your money, you earned it, you should do whatever you want with it, I hope your children are both happy with your decision, but ultimately make yourself happy and do what you feel is best. If they don’t understand they aren’t worthy of your love

SD1978 · 04/02/2020 04:06

Is there going to be an agreement between the daughter and their partner that he does not get any financial benefit? You've already paid out one partner- if this relationship separates, will you then have to pay them out also? I can see both sides- your sibling has worked hard, has a good job, is still with partner one and it's almost as if being penalised for this, sibling 2 not made the same sacrifices/ advances career wise, failed relationship (everyone has them) and now asking for help to move. What does your partner do for work? Can you extend hours or can they? Otherwise- it's your parents money, they want to help, and they can. I'd make sure your sibling was ok with this though, as if both parents or even grandparents require nursing homes this potential future inheretence will be eaten up ruddy quickly.

OldMumYoungNan · 04/02/2020 04:20

Would giving both 60k each be enough to help dc2 house their family better?

I think that would be the only fair thing to do.

And it think it’s important to keep things fair and transparent as parents.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 04/02/2020 04:52

There are some potential complications around inheritance tax and DC1 risks losing out if for some reason the DPs house has to be sold to fund their care in old age, eating into any potential inheritance.

But other than that, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable plan. I imagine DC1 would be able to understand the good intention behind it and so long as they are not being treated less favourably ultimately I don’t see why they could object. Even if they did, it’s not up to them.

ImTheCaddy · 04/02/2020 04:54

My DPs did it for me. The other sibling hasn't spoken to any of us since.

Bit more to it than that and it's no surprise to me but DPs are very upset.

DBro has completely cut us all off.

AhNowTed · 04/02/2020 05:38

It's a terrible idea and grossly unfair.

I am involved in something similar. One sibling paying a mortgage for 30 years, while the other gets gifted a house as they are renting.

It's not up to one sibling to make up for the others life choices.

An even split or nothing.

HelgaHere1 · 04/02/2020 05:44

As long as DC1 IS compensated when you die. Make sure you write the will now as circumstances change, eg DC1 divorce or loss of a family member - write the will now before senility sets in. My DM made promises which she didn't keep in the end.

chuck7 · 04/02/2020 05:45

It's not fair and I wouldn't do it unless I could give the same amount to both at the same time. DC2 made a choice to have 2 children while living in a small flat. And that's fine. But I don't see why that makes them more deserving of a hand out and I think it could create bad feelings

Narcheska · 04/02/2020 05:50

Sounds like a bad idea really too many things that could go wrong. What if there is nothing for Dc1 to inherit? What happens if DC2 decides that actually they want a share of the inheritance because the money before was a "gift" ... it's amazing how people change when money is an issue:

If you insist on doing it I'd write your will now make it water tight and also maybe consider getting a document drawn up that both DCs sign and agree too stating in writing that dc2 understands this is an advance on their inheritance so will receive less or nothing from the final estate if any funds are to be had of course

buttery81 · 04/02/2020 05:54

I’m always shocked at how people are so grabby over their parents’ money on these threads. If I was DC1 in this situation I’d be nothing but happy for my younger sibling. Money should go to those who need it most, that’s what it’s for. Stop being so greedy.

EnglishRain · 04/02/2020 05:57

YABU. No guarantees that any inheritance will be left in 30 years, and DC1 will be in a very different position themselves by then, it won't enrich their life in the same way as it may now.

It sounds like the two have made different life choices. Unless DC1 is literally rolling in it and is prepared to never have any inheritance, I don't think this should be done. Over to DC1. One of my siblings is bad with money. I would never advise my DP give him a lump of money because he won't use it sensibly. They gave him £3k once and it vanished on random items that he had nothing to show for a year later, and was back borrowing money off them and at the edge of his overdraft.

Bifflepants · 04/02/2020 06:06

Inheritance is not a right, it's a privilege. My opinion is that money should be given to the people most in need, in this case, your less well off DC. Money is not the definition of love. It is a commodity to be shared. Life isn't fair, some jobs pay more than others and that's not fair. Give the money to the person who needs it.

Womenwotlunch · 04/02/2020 06:16

I think it is completely unfair. We all make choices on life and I don’t think that it’s fair that dc1 is ‘penalised’ because they made ‘ better’ choices.
I would be resentful if my dm did this .
Your dc1 may end up resenting you even if outwardly they support the decision.
I would say that you split the money equally and both dcs can decide what they want to do with it
Don’t assume that dc1 doesn’t need the money

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 04/02/2020 06:22

I think it should be evenly split

It may look like DC1 is doing well but may be one month away from losing their home

A equal split is fair for this amount. You could perhaps give DC2 a bit of extra half with a trip to ikea to furnish the new place when she gets one.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 04/02/2020 06:23

I must say the advance on inheritance in absolutely no way compensates or makes this fair.

It is extremely likely that your dc1 will not get much of an inheritance because it will have gone on care homes or that they finally inherit long after the money would have been most useful because one or other parent lives to be 101.

Plenty of parents sadly outlive their oldest child. Sadly for everyone. I've worked with elderly people in the past and so many people in their 80s have outlived one of their children.

You are very unlikely to really know your dc1's financial position in all its detail - and really that's healthy, adults with children should not be codependent with their own parents.

In the end though it's a cold, cold thing to give a very large sum of money to one child not the other. It absolutely will change your family dynamics for the worse, forever.

Give them both half the sum or neither. Don't give dc2 everything on a plate and dc1 nothing.

dottiedodah · 04/02/2020 06:33

So much can go wrong here I think .Maybe all money used for care/bad investments etc .Also no guarantees ,what if God forbid DC1 became ill or died ? I can never see how one child "needs" money given to them and one doesnt TBH. DC1 has presumably worked said Ass off to get where they are ,and DC2 gets a lump sum out of nowhere?! How is that fair?

Hepsibar · 04/02/2020 06:35

I think it is awful to disinherit one of your children unless you dislike them so much for one reason or another.

Stephminx · 04/02/2020 06:40

I’m torn - on the one hand it’s the DP money to do with as they wish but...

  1. Even if it’s discussed with DC1, would they really say no if they wanted to for fear of looking grabby / mean / selfish;

2, what happens if the money is spent before death (eg in care home fees etc); and

  1. Do you really know DC1 financial position - I’m not sure I know anyone who’s life couldn’t significantly benefit from that cash.
curiousierandcouriser · 04/02/2020 06:50

I think it really depends on the family dynamic and not one except @Betty52 is really in a position to say one way or the other with certainty.

On the one hand, yes, I may be a bit miffed at my siblings receiving money and I don't. In my situation, my parents gave us all an equal advance on inheritance when they sold her house. However, if my sibling were having a hard time, I can't see being upset over my parents helping them out. I believe its their money and we don't have a claim on it. I'm not fussed about getting an inheritance myself, I want them to enjoy their money.

If you are worried about fallout, would it be possible for your parents to buy a house instead and let DC2 et al stay in it? That way the money still remains part of the estate but they get a house.

eddielizzard · 04/02/2020 06:58

I've been DC1 in this situation. I can see both sides.

If possible, if they gave each DC the same I think that would be fairer. DC1 has worked so hard and made good choices and are reaping the rewards. While DC2 are steadily working, they haven't made the choices and sacrifices for the long term that DC1 has. I'm sure there was good luck in there, but it's not all down to that.

There is nothing DC1 can say in this situation, but will feel resentful at some point.

Better to treat them equally.

MintyMabel · 04/02/2020 07:18

Dc1 may have a nicer house etc. but they have probably worked hard to get it and seem to have lots of expenses with the building work.

Because DC 2 hasn’t got as much money they mustn’t have worked as hard as DC 1?