Not sure if I want to bother with PIL any more.

[RightRoundLikeARecord]

About 6 months ago something it looked like DH and I would break up for no reason or fault. As soon as this happened PIL decided that since I am not blood and only water there was no need to bother with me any more. I know this because I have heard them say this about their other DC whose relationships have broken up.

At the time both my DC and I were devastated about the situation and could have done with a kind word. Nothing major, just a kind word or an offer to babysit for an hour whilst DH and I went out. Nothing, not one call or visit. In comparison my own family rallied round my DH to see if there was anything they could do to help us and him too as he was having a hard time. When my DB and SIL split my mum used to speak to her and meet up even though there was no DGC involved and was still friendly with her. They got back together and my mum and SIL have a really good relationship.

Now DH and I are in a much better place and PIL want to play happy families again. In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

They haven't spoken to me in 6 months and whilst at first I was really, really hurt I am now thinking that actually I prefer it this way. DH wants to organise something and I am avoiding it. I don't think I can be civil.

WWYD/ AIBU?

TBH I think it's normal for parents to rally round their own child if that child is splitting from the partner. I have an ok relationship with my ILs but I wouldn't expect to get support from them if I was having relationship trouble with my DH, and I don't think my parents would do that for him. I'm not sure that's a fair thing to expect TBH. In general, I'd let your DH deal with that side of the family -- eg it's for him to ask why you and him don't get invited over to the PILs and SILs. Beyond that, I do think that if you've just got over a tricky patch it would be better to just be polite to his parents when you see them - which doesn't sound like that often anyway.

I didn't expect support, I just thought that since these are their only DCG they may have wanted to stay on cordial terms with me. DH is really lazy (one of our problems) and I am the one who facilitated PIL and DGC relationship. If I was no longer married to him I wouldn't be doing that any more and I doubt he would put much effort in.

Absolutely 100% not being unreasonable. You hadn’t actually split up, it was just looking likely, they should have supported you BOTH to help your marriage work. I’m with you OP I’d be done with them, and I’d tell them exactly why too.

I wouldn’t bother making an effort. They can talk to your partner if they want to visit etc

Your parents are obviously exceptionally nice people. But the important word is exceptionally, there.

To be honest, most parents will look to support their own offspring. Not out of malice but of instinct. They're not to know how things are going to turn out, and even though you're back together, they might be concerned for their son.

You don't have to go to great lengths, but I do think that it's important to be able to demonstrate to them that you are a committed couple again. If you treat them differently now, they will think the worst.

Years ago, my daughter's husband (then boyfriend) was unfaithful and then dumped her. They got back together, and though he's so far proved himself to be a loving and respectful partner and husband,and I've consigned the whole thing to him being young and immature back then. If I'm honest though, there will always be a very tiny bit of concern because I'm a mum, and my daughter will always be my priority. I like him a lot and we get on perfectly well and I'm warm towards him. But this is years on, and while I didn't need him to prove anything, he has done, simply by treating her and us well.

Your PILs need to see your relationship working well now. If you block them from your life, you'll achieve nothing.

They got back together, and though he's so far proved himself to be a loving and respectful partner and husband

Sloppy editing on my part. Ignore the 'though'. He simply has proved himself.

I think your parents response is unusual, nice but unusual. So I wouldn't normally expect contact from ex ils.

So as they couldn't be arsed with you then I'd not organise anything that involved them, that'd include cleaning or cooking if dh invited them round. But if dh wanted to sort something then I'd go and be polite.
They haven't been mean to you.

I'm just aghast that after all the effort I've made over 20 years with them and the time and expense I've spent on making their lives a little more pleasant this didn't even warrant a phone call even an awkward one.

I do get it but now I don't feel like I can treat them like "family' any more since I clearly never was.

Don't facilitate. Let them make the effort to see DGC through their son.

You don't have to be involved with them at all, I wouldn't.

How much would your DH see his parents if you didn't organise it for him?

Well, let him and them find out. If he wants to organise something, great -one of your issues was that he was lazy. But it's on him to do it. You aren't doing the shopping, catering, bed changing, present buying, cleaning etc etc. Which I would suspect you do all of at the moment.

They made their bed.

And the reason I'd be very happy to see them lie in it wouldn't be spite, it would be because it had showed me exactly what type of people they were, and that they genuinely were willing to totally turn their back on the mother of their grandchildren, and someone who had always been caring towards them, at a moment's notice.

I wouldn't want said grandchildren - my children - learning that that's how families work, and so I wouldn't really want anything to do with them now.

I'd also believe that they couldn't really care very deeply or maturely for those grandchildren - my children- if they were happy to step away in such a blatant way knowing it would make life more difficult.

I'd also believe that the relationship as it was before was pretty much a pretence and undertaken for their own comfort - certainly not for genuine family feeling.

So all in all, I'd move on and as you say, simply accept the new situation that THEY had created - you're not family any more - when the chips were down, they showed you they didn't give a shit.

Yes Anna, I do. If I don't organise cards, presents etc. they won't be getting any for any occasion. He's seen them a few times when I wasn't around but then that's because I encouraged him to go over. I've not done that since Christmas and surprise surprise he hasn't been over. They are now trying to arrange something and he's trying to get me to take responsibility for it and I'm not. No doubt I'll get blamed for lack of birthday cards and presents but hey, I'm not family.
I'm sad because I hate conflict but I feel like I've also offloaded some baggage.

DH wants to organise something and I am avoiding it. I don't think I can be civil.

Then let him organise it, and behave like a grown up when he does/if he does.
Seriously, they haven't been out and out spiteful or attempted to make things worse. They haven't done what your parents would do, but I don't think their reaction is that unusual. Most people wouldn't quite know what to do in that situation. And would fear making things worse by saying the wrong thing or potentially be seen as taking sides with their son's partner. It#s really not an easy situation for anyone, and seeing it through your excpetional parents' lens is a tad unfair.

You don't need to go to exceptional lengths with them (especially as they don't invite you to things) , but nor do you need to be quite so angry and obstructive as you sound.

I'm with you op, fair weather family and friends are way down my list of priorities. I'd let your lazy dp deal with them and quietly excuse myself for some me time when they want to meet up. I wouldn't allow myself to feel guilty either, they've shown who they are.

YANBU. Continue not doing things for your DH for them. They’ll get the message and when they ask why your attitude towards them has changed, tell them they let you down when you needed them. That’s not what families do, blood related or not.

Exactly how I feel Fizzy. I too don't want my DC to think this is how families work. I think my own family model is better.

With regards to the potential break-up, I think maybe it was a little awkward for them. I wouldn't expect my MIL to offer much support to me in these circumstances.

But overall, YANBU. It sounds like you need to pass the emotional labour of dealing with the in-laws to DH. He can remember birthdays, organise Christmas, cook if they come round for dinner etc. Let him take the reins for a while.

You don't have to be involved with them at all, I wouldn't

^This.

They’ve shown you how little they appreciate your efforts over the years and how little they seem to care about you.

I’d leave it be - completely. If they or your DH want to sort something that’s up to them. It’s not your concern. You’re quite right to be hurt, but look on it as a positive. They’ve shown you what they think of you - and this wasn’t a one-off. You’ve admitted they’ve done very little over the years. It’s not up to you to cook for them or put yourself out for their benefit.

Put them out of your mind and leave them to DH.

I think I would feel the same way, I certainly would never forget it.

We had a similar situation 6 months ago, couple in our family with 2 young children split - total shock and out of the blue to us. The wife is out family member but we definitely still see the husband as part of the family and treat him the same as we always have.

But in their case, there was no 'fault' being put on anyone from either side of the the marriage, they had just grown apart. It would have been different if they had split because he had done something wrong.

I would try as far as I could to carry on civil etc. and not make a big deal of it but I wouldn't feel the same about him again.

You will only feel guilty of you let yourself feel guilty. I honestly wouldn't give them the headspace. Make it clear that one of the conditions of getting back together is your dp handle's all birthdays, Christmases etc for his family. Make that clear to all parties.

I wouldn't cut them off, but I'd let your DH organise everything with them now, and you can just go along sometimes and be polite but cool. I'd totally stop taking any responsibility for cards and presents, etc, and I'd never bother cooking for them again - let your DH do all that.

I actually think their behaviour is fairly normal. Did you ask them for help when you needed it? They are not psychic! I think it's fine to say you expect DH to do the organising but I would still go along and be friendly.

YANBU OP. I'd not bother with them again. I understand that parents will rally round their kids, but it costs nothing to remain polite and respectful, especially if there are gc involved, you've been part of that family for 20 years, it seems they are happy to cut you out at a drop of a hat.

With regards to your dh, if he wants to play happy families there's nothing stopping him from taking the dc to see them or even sorting, arranging and cooking meals for them. But you don't have to contribute or participate if you don't want to

A few years ago my DSis and BIL split. He was a part of our lives for 15 years and a big part of DS1 life. We found out 2 months after the split he was living in his lorry ( long distance lorry driver) I was devastated at the idea and we offered him a place to stay.

My DM was eternally grateful to us for this as she thought of him as a son (as I thought of him as a brother)

Upon finding this out my DSis cut all contact with us for 18 months as we ‘should have taken her side’

Things eventually came to a head when they finally meet and she told him to stay away from her family. We have not seen him since. Nor has he meet DS2 or DS3

We are so upset as a family and DM and DH are gutted they can’t have contact with him anymore. Not even children involved.

When you marry into a close family you become part of that family and should support them whatever.

God forbid my DB and SIL ever split as they do have kids but if that were to happen we could never cut her out. She means the world to us

I feel for you OP as the clearly don’t appreciate the you or the fact you raise the GC

Let him organise something, and if it turns out to be lunch at yours, ask him what he's going to cook.
Be civil, but don't facilitate.