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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if I want to bother with PIL any more.

96 replies

RightRoundLikeARecord · 03/02/2020 11:50

About 6 months ago something it looked like DH and I would break up for no reason or fault. As soon as this happened PIL decided that since I am not blood and only water there was no need to bother with me any more. I know this because I have heard them say this about their other DC whose relationships have broken up.

At the time both my DC and I were devastated about the situation and could have done with a kind word. Nothing major, just a kind word or an offer to babysit for an hour whilst DH and I went out. Nothing, not one call or visit. In comparison my own family rallied round my DH to see if there was anything they could do to help us and him too as he was having a hard time. When my DB and SIL split my mum used to speak to her and meet up even though there was no DGC involved and was still friendly with her. They got back together and my mum and SIL have a really good relationship.

Now DH and I are in a much better place and PIL want to play happy families again. In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

They haven't spoken to me in 6 months and whilst at first I was really, really hurt I am now thinking that actually I prefer it this way. DH wants to organise something and I am avoiding it. I don't think I can be civil.

WWYD/ AIBU?

OP posts:
WeSavedSallySally · 03/02/2020 13:01

I would feel I have hope I have some depth of relationship with my dc partners after 20 years.

I would probably put my own dc first but that doesn't mean automatically cutting off their partners unless of course dreadful behaviour had been involved.

Op I don't blame you for feeling hurt and I would re adjust my expectations and my own accordingly

ChicCroissant · 03/02/2020 13:02

If you told your children it sounds quite serious, and I think you've underestimated how his family felt about it, OP. I do think YABU on that point.

It can be really awkward when couples say they are splitting and then don't or get back together. I would view them differently tbh, you'd be waiting for it to happen again - if it's got to that point, then there is an real issue. It is hard to play 'happy families' again after that, they want you back in the fold and it's you that doesn't want to in this instance!

Having said that, I do know someone who has split with her partner NUMEROUS times and is now mystified that his parents don't want to see her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2020 13:03

I’m with you, time to take a back seat. Are you able to discuss your feelings with your dh?

PrinkingPreening · 03/02/2020 13:03

What Time40 said.

They have raised a lazy son (and it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree there.)

Let them sort things out with your DH. They raised him and they can deal with his laziness. Similarly, they are his family and he can be the one to do the legwork if he wants them in his life.

No reason for you to be rude to them if a meet-up is arranged (and you're not suggesting that you would be rude, obviously). But definitely no reason to be making any effort to arrange a meet-up yourself. Or cooking, or buying cards and presents etc.

Frankly I think your DH should have been doing that stuff all along anyway. Does he think it's your job to do all that because you're female or something?!

FagAsh · 03/02/2020 13:04

I’m in a similar position through different circumstances and have cut them loose.

If my husband wants to see them he goes with the kids.

If they visit I don’t even stick on the kettle for them, let him crack on. They’re nasty passive aggressive bit just and negative. They see the worst in people so I avoid them.

5foot5 · 03/02/2020 13:06

I think in this situation a lot depends on the reason for the split and the length of time together. Plus if there are any children.

My BIL's relationship failed a few years ago. None else was involved it was just a growing apart kind of thing. PIL stayed on civil terms with his ex, which meant they continued to see the DGC etc.

I think in your case given it was no fault, the length of time you have been together and the fact you have children together, then your PIL were being unreasonable and it servers them right if this bites them in the bum

FizzyGreenWater · 03/02/2020 13:09

They are now trying to arrange something and he's trying to get me to take responsibility for it and I'm not

It sounds as if your PIL are not the only ones who could do with a reminder that you don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Imagine if you were asking your H to take responsibility for a get-together with your parents that they suggested. I imagine it would be more likely that pigs would fly. But when you - the Wifeworker, the Facilitator - says no to doing the shitwork both emotional and practical, you're being 'obstructive'. Wowee.

You don't even need to be in the slightest bit obstructive. You simply, pleasantly, calmly, tell your H that going forward, you no longer feel that his parents should be anything but his responsibility, as they have been clear that it's only him they see as having that family link - not you. You've taken on all the shitwork concerning them, and their relationship with your joint children, on the understanding that they saw this as being cared for by the family. Now it's clear that they see it as being cared for by some possibly temporary add-on, you're sure that they would prefer to deal with their son. Unfair? How? Um, does he facilitate any part of arrangements with your parents, in his position as son-in-law? No. So let's hear no more about taking responsibility for their visit, you intend to take as much responsibility for them going forward as he does for yours - ie none.

Blamed for lack of cards, lack of dinner invites, lack of family information - bring it on. The same answer will suffice for all.

'I am sure you would prefer it if your son, your own family member, would be bothered to do that - it's hardly got the same meaning coming from me. We think that going forward, it's better that we take responsibility for our own side of the family.'

potter5 · 03/02/2020 13:11

I think you are spot on. Don't facilitate with cards or presents, cook for them,or go on holiday with them. Leave it to DH - they are HIS parents, not yours. (Your family sound wonderful by the way).

1forsorrow · 03/02/2020 13:12

To look at it from the otherside my late MIL worked really hard at keeping in touch with my husband's exs. Most were polite for a while, one stayed in touch for 40 bloody years. So for 40 years we were subjected to all the details of her life and she was informed all about our lives even though we didn't want that. I thought it was creepy.

Highonpotandused · 03/02/2020 13:12

YANBU at all. Leave it all to DH. And stop the presents hosting Christmas, holidays etc.

This is not just about the almost break up. They never invited you round even pre-almost break up.

It seems they thought you were going to stop being useful to them so cut their losses.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/02/2020 13:12

I too don't want my DC to think this is how families work. I think my own family model is better.

It is better. I wouldn't have any hesitation in making that clear to my DC by choosing to focus on them rather than PIL.

Nowhere have you said you would be rude to them, or cut them out. Simply that you will now step back and let their own son take responsibility for his childrens' relationship with them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/02/2020 13:13

I can understand them feeling that they didn't want to be in contact with you (depending upon circumstances) - from their perspective it's their son they need to care for - but your children?

They ignored your CHILDREN?

That would be the deal breaker for me - I would tell them to go and fuck themselves (well - I wouldn't, but I wouldn't have anything to do with them)

FWIW, when my son and the lovely girl I considered ny DIL broke up, DH and I were gutted - we really loved her, and were as worried about her as about DS. We tried to help them both - and so did her parents. It really was losing a family member as far as we were concerned. Absolutely heartbreaking - DH and I both sat and cried. Sounds like your parents would have been the same.

justasking111 · 03/02/2020 13:17

My late In laws would back me when OH was being an ass. I have paid that forward. When my sons are being an ass to their family I will say so tactfully. My DIL`s are wonderful as are my grandchildren. Family is not just about blood.

Batqueen · 03/02/2020 13:17

I think YANBU to not take responsibility for the relationship any longer.

If you refuse to attend anything that is arranged or don’t allow them in the house that’s different and I would think unreasonable but if they don’t bother with you why should you bother with them?

Also, given that you almost split with your dh partly due to his laziness, here is a perfect opportunity for him to pull his finger out and show you he can change!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/02/2020 13:18

The subtext to this, though, is that it also seems the case that your PIL are users, to a certain extent.

In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

Happy to take, but when they could provide support in return - poof! - nowhere to be seen. Emotional as well as some practical - Christmas, holidays - freeloading. Now the dust has settled and they can see you're still in the picture - out they crawl - when shall we come round for dinner next? I don't think so...

Cornishclio · 03/02/2020 13:18

No I would not give them the time of day and would not organise get togethers, presents or whatever. I got on ok with my MIL but my DH organised her birthday and Xmas presents and any get togethers. She was the only one he had to sort out present wise as I did all my family and he did not bother with the rest of his family. If your DH is lazy all the more reason to leave it to him and he can get the blame if they moan. I would be polite to thembut not make any effort.

mauvaisereputation · 03/02/2020 13:19

I think a lot of people have different ideas about how the ILs relationship works. You say you would have liked a call from them, but I have literally never spoken to any of my ILs on the phone, in a 10 year relationship with my DH without any major problems. I just wouldn't expect to talk to them although we are perfectly friendly when we meet up. So I don't think I agree that their not contacting you is the same as not being cordial. I really doubt that they think that they have mistreated you, they were just staying out of it while you and your DH worked out their problems, which was a perfectly sensible approach IMO.

I think it's reasonable for you to say to your DH that you no longer want to be the one to facilitate the relationship with them. In general it's normal for each member of a couple to communicate with their own family. I have never bought presents/cards etc for my ILs (I always sign my DH's card) or organised meet-ups with them. So if by "not bothering" you mean letting him crack on with the relationship, I think that's completley fine and normal.

If you mean you want to say something to them or refuse to attend events where they are there, I think that would be a bad idea. Firstly because I am not sure how badly they have behaved, and think they may well have felt therey were acting for the best in giving you some space.
Secondly because I just don't see how you can say anything to them without damaging your relationship with your partner, which I guess you want to preserve.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 03/02/2020 13:20

Your DH really doesn't have much respect for you, does he? What on earth makes him think he can get you to do his donkey work for him, organising things with his parents, after they've ignored you for months??

Do you think staying with him was a good idea?

justasking111 · 03/02/2020 13:22

One phone call to the OP saying I am so sorry this his happening, would have averted a lot of this.

sarahjconnor · 03/02/2020 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RightRoundLikeARecord · 03/02/2020 13:31

Fizzy, you are right on the money again. They are total users. I can see that when they thought I was no longer available for dinners, weekends away and holidays then there was no point in talking to me. An eye opener.
This thread has helped me get my head round this rather than being muffled and asking "why?"

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/02/2020 13:34

Now DH and I are in a much better place

But:

DH is really lazy (one of our problems)

They are now trying to arrange something and he's trying to get me to take responsibility for it and I'm not

It sounds like your DH just thinks it's business as usual and he (and his parents) doesn't seem respectful of you and everything you do for him and his parents.

saraclara · 03/02/2020 13:38

Upon finding this out my DSis cut all contact with us for 18 months as we ‘should have taken her side’

See, this is what parents in your pil's situation risk. It worked for your parents, but for many it wouldn't. It's a huge risk to do anything that might be perceived as taking sides.

MulticolourMophead · 03/02/2020 13:38

In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

Drop the rope.

They don't bother with you, and you always have to organise.

Just stop doing this, and tell your DH now that you won't be doing Christmas again.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2020 13:38

As people have said, it's normal for some parents to only support their own children. It's also normal to expect your spouse to be able to interact with their own parents. As long as you aren't framing it as some sort of punishment, this is positive. Tell your DH - really explicitly tell him to get it through his head - that from now on he organizes gifts, cards, and socializing with his parents so he needs to make some headspace for that. If he doesn't, they miss out. It's not your problem.