Not sure if I want to bother with PIL any more.

[RightRoundLikeARecord]

About 6 months ago something it looked like DH and I would break up for no reason or fault. As soon as this happened PIL decided that since I am not blood and only water there was no need to bother with me any more. I know this because I have heard them say this about their other DC whose relationships have broken up.

At the time both my DC and I were devastated about the situation and could have done with a kind word. Nothing major, just a kind word or an offer to babysit for an hour whilst DH and I went out. Nothing, not one call or visit. In comparison my own family rallied round my DH to see if there was anything they could do to help us and him too as he was having a hard time. When my DB and SIL split my mum used to speak to her and meet up even though there was no DGC involved and was still friendly with her. They got back together and my mum and SIL have a really good relationship.

Now DH and I are in a much better place and PIL want to play happy families again. In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

They haven't spoken to me in 6 months and whilst at first I was really, really hurt I am now thinking that actually I prefer it this way. DH wants to organise something and I am avoiding it. I don't think I can be civil.

WWYD/ AIBU?

Your own parents sound like they are exceptional human beings . It sounds like you’ve also been one of the good guys. I don’t think lowering yourself to their level will make you feel any better long term . Keep being one of the good guys - just maybe not quite so often ...

They are now trying to arrange something and he's trying to get me to take responsibility for it and I'm not.

Tbh it looks like you still have a DH problem (aka his lazynes or inability of taking responsibility).
I agree with PP. You have stopped reminding your dh to go and see them. That was a good start. I would now make it clear that you are also not facilitating meeting his parents. If he wants tht to happen, he needs to organise it.
If there are any comments from OIL about b'days etc... just say that you, together!, have reviewed who was responsible of wht and from now on, he is soring out any b'day/christmas,meeting up with his side of the family.
Oh and please, do not do all the cooking for when they will come, the tidying up etc... Just let him do all the work there too.

Be civil, but don't facilitate

This is my mantra. Different situation, in fairness - more I got sick of their total lack of interest in the kids and always expecting us to help them, while “not wanting to interfere” (ie be completely unavailable for us if we ever needed anything). I am cheerful, pleasant and polite when I see them. Which is whenever DH has arranged it and I am free to go. I do still do cards and gifts, more as a favour for DH...maybe I should rethink!

I agree with everyone else. I wouldn't be making an effort at all. If your Dh wants to facilitate a relationship with his parents and the kids let him do that but I wouldn't have any part in it. I definitely wouldn't be organising cards, birthday/Christmas presents, dinners, weekend breaks ever again. See how they like it when they realise their precious son is a lazy so and so who was never the one to organise these things.

Just wanted to come on and say I understand OP!

I’ve always felt like my PIL’s haven’t welcomed me into their family. Make it obvious their other son and his wife/dc’s are the favourites. They help them out a lot and show obvious favouritism (which I’m sure they’d deny)
Mil has made comments such as “I think it’s the woman’s responsibility to buy cards/presents” when miffed I hadn’t bought a card for DH’s cousins wedding (which we didn’t go to) when I said “well, it’s HIS cousin, not mine!” Also when we told them we were getting married “you do know 50% of marriages end in divorce?” !!!! We have a nice life and have nice “things” and I know she thinks it’s because I spend “his” money.
They are generous with presents and do babysit the dc’s occasionally if we ask but they very rarely visit us and are never home at the weekends so it’s difficult for us to visit them.
DH doesn’t make that much effort with them although I encourage him to and I’m sure they think it’s my fault.
I sometimes feel like they wouldn’t be bothered if we split up.

But I suck it up and try to be nice/polite and invite them for Christmas and stuff because they’re the kids gp’s at the end of the day.

I’d say don’t cut them off as it will cause problems with you and your dh but just keep them arms length and try to harden yourself to the situation so you don’t feel hurt. Be confident in the fact you’ve done your best.

I always used ti organise thoughtful cards and gifts, always remembered dates.
Then in-laws treated us (DH & I) very badly. I said to DH I am resigning from their shit, I'm done with them.
His family (parents & siblings) are his responsibility. DH is fine with it. He feels like he has to/should be in touch with them (I think there's a bit of FOG going on).
As far as I know none of them have got Christmas or birthday cards or gifts for years.

You and your DH need to be on the same page. You state what your boundaries/limits are where the in-laws are concerned.

I used to make all the effort with the IL's, remembering birthdays, baking cakes, getting the kids to write cards, buying presents etc. They made very little effort with me. Very little. So I told DH that as I had my own family to think about, I'd leave him to deal with his. They appreciate me a little bit more now. Could be better, but at least this way I'm not resentful.

I think you need to take a massive step back to, and leave ALL the dealing with his family to him. Don't offer to host Christmas. Host your own family. Leave it to him and TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY. They'll soon see why it's a good idea to include you in the family. Sadly they've already shot themselves in the foot.

They haven't spoken to me in 6 months and whilst at first I was really, really hurt I am now thinking that actually I prefer it this way.

Well done. Good clear thinking, your fair-minded mum has clearly raised you well :)

If DH still wants to organise something, let him. His relative, his choice. You don't have to attend, you don't have to host, & you don't need to have any more dealings with your charming blow-lukewarm-&-cold PiL.

I think you are doing the right thing in putting the emphasis on your DH to manage the relationship. He should be responsible for organising get togethers and birthday cards, presents etc because at the end of the day they ARE his family!
I know how you feel. My in laws are hard work and I made a conscious decision to take a step back and hand over to my DH. He now takes the DC to see them alone because I make sure I have plans and it’s actually worked out well. The kids behave better with him, they get one on one time with their grandparents and I get a break from the constant challenge/defend way they communicate.
Don’t feel pressure to attend anything he organised and just say you are hurt at how easily and quickly they dropped you from their lives.

DH is really lazy (one of our problems) and I am the one who facilitated PIL and DGC relationship.

Aaaah! - so when you wrote "DH wants to organise something", am I on to a winning bet guessing that he actually means -
"I want my wife to facilitate an event on my behalf, appease my father 'cos that's easier on me, & smother her own feelings because I don't want to acknowledge them" ?

If so, easy peasy. Just don't bother, & it's unlikely DH will either.
Job done.

And if he does pull his finger out - again, you don't need to host or attend any event featuring PiL.

I think the poster who said ""it costs you nothing" to be nice was annoying (I fucking hate that phrase), but maybe had a point. Up to now, your in-laws cost you something. You were in charge of all of the work of scheduling, calling, remembering birthdays, buying cards, presents, etc. Well, now, Daddy can man up and get in the driver's seat and you can be in the passenger's seat and do sweet fa with a distant and pleasant smile on your face. When you go to their place, bring an elaborate handcraft like knitting, plant yourself on the couch with your feet up, offer no help, ask your husband to bring you drinks and snacks because you can't move. Be a pleasant conversationalist, keep the conversation light and impersonal. You are doing him a favor by being there at all.

Others are right too - you do still have a DH problem.

Do you know, one of the most positive things to come out of this could be that your lazy, self-serving H (wonder where he got that from?!) gets a much needed lesson in taking on some of the shitwork that makes families work.

I suggest you start making it super clear right now that you won't be hosting Christmas this year. Although you will be perfectly happy to attend, should he plan and cook for a get-together with his parents as usual...

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater, they've made their bed and shown what sort of people they are - so step back and let your DH do all the organising. If your DH does actually organise something, I'd go along and be polite, but definitely wait for him to make the arrangements...it might be a few months hence!

I also realised a while back that if DH and I split up or my DH died, my PIL wouldn't be there for us. They don't seem v. interested in their only GC's, no idea why. I think it's weird and so does DH.

Of course, the result is that our DC aren't v. interested in them either, so my PIL have missed out on an intergenerational bonds. It's sad.

If I ever have GC, I'll be taking a v. different approach.

Oh and lots of super-irritating comments that he cannot possibly defend himself against.

'It's all a good thing really. I had no idea how they felt - they will probably be so pleased to see you step up and be there for them more, their own son. :)

'If I'd only known how they felt years ago - I'm sure it will mean so much more to them knowing that you put the effort in to choose their gifts/write their cards.'

Less sarcastic, of course - some serious chats about how if there is one good thing to come out of them showing how little they are actually really there for you, then it's better it's out in the open. More honest an approach for you to deal with your parents, he to deal with his, and no-one to have unfair expectations of the 'other side' of the family.

In a nutshell, this bunch of lazy little takers- your H included - have well and truly shot themselves in the foot.

DH wants to organise something

Let him crack on. Be polite with them, but no more wifework.

Oh @ShesGotBetteDavisEyes, this & all her other nonsense & attitude about "his" money eyc must be infuriating!

Mil has made comments such as “I think it’s the woman’s responsibility to buy cards/presents”

'How fortunate for me, & the entire women's movement, that only YOU need be affected by your bizarre thought processes MiL dear.'

But I daresay snarky comebacks would just give you more shitwork, having to navigate & offset pass-agg offense-taking & scenes about how unwomanly/unwifely her ghastly DiL is ..?

How much of your anger is with DH and the way your ILs brought him up?
I hear a lot complaining about them but not much about the issues that pushed you to the brink of splitting up in the first place.
Does he not take responsibility for the things you feel important?

You've put down an emotional burden - don't pick it back up again!

For years I did the grunt work of keep DP's family relationships alive. Emailing photos of the kids, phone calls, updates on what they were doing, prompting DP to call, making sure we visited several times a year - both my PIL and BIL's family. One day it became apparent how little consideration that got me. I was stunned. All my contact and effort was taken for granted and the SOD ALL coming the other direction was apparently perfectly acceptable. PIL would contort themselves to fit around BIL's erratic last minute arrangements/cancellations and expect mem to pick up the slack. Not DP, me.

So I downed tools

I wasn't nasty or mean, I just stopped doing the legwork. Cards, presents, photos, arrangements... not my problem anymore.

DP rings them every few weeks; the DC, now they are teens, don't bother with PIL much of their own accord and my life is a lot less frustrating.

Agree with @FizzyGreenWater

Great that the hurt has past.

I would remain civil.

I wouldn't lift a finger for them again.

Better to know.

I also agree with @Fizzy that you should put every bit of it back on your husband with a big smile.

You are so over it and them.

Wishing you well.

It can be hurtful, but you know now, which is better in the long run.

Their behaviour has shown that they don't have any feelings for you as a person - they are indifferent to you. Any relationship they have with you is bound up with you being their son's wife. I think this is quiite a common way for some people to think (judging by some of the responses on here)
It's not something I understand - I love my DIL for herself - she is a lovely person and if she and my son split up, I would would still think of her as part of my famiy - I couldn't just stop loving her.

Your PIl are being quite stupid really because as well as being their Ds's wife you are also the mother of t hier GC so if they want to maintain a good relationship with their GC it would be sensible to have a decent relationship with you.

And yes as other's have said, stop facilitating thier relationship with their son - it isn;t your job to get birthday and Christmas gifts for them, and having found out how they really feel about you, I would just remain civil but not put yourself for them in any way. Let your DH do that if he can be bothered.

So you hadn't even split up you were going through a rough patch and they stopped talking to you. They sound like awful people.Has your DH got an opinion on this or is he like them just expecting things to go back to normal and you get back to doing what he perceives to be 'wifework'. 20yr and two DC and at the whiff of a possible split there off..... Jesus I got in touch with my DS long term GF when they split. I had known her for 4yrs and if he splits with his current GF I would do the same. I would sit back and leave your DH to sort out any contact whilst you redefine your relationship with his parents

My PILS have never warmed to me - their loss. We now have a polite but distant relationship but it took years for me to let go of my guilt and misguided sense of duty towards them. One year I deliberately chose not to remind DH that his Mum's birthday was coming up. He missed it and she was devastated and blamed me. I asked him if he knew when my Mum's birthday is. Then he understood.

This is a good thing - enjoy your freedom.

It is always very tricky when people spilt up.
I always got on well with my DSIL, and sometimes we went out together.
WHen DB and DSIL split, I tried to keep in contact, but it is really difficult.
I did meet up a couple of times, (at my instigation) but our converstaion was very 'stilted'. I asked her about her recent holiday, but it came out like I was interrogating her. I was genuinely interested, but also worried that she may think I was going to repeat anything back to DB.
Her DC are grown and not living at home, and I rarely see them.
I no longer see DSIL, which saddens me, but the initial effort was all made by me.

I am not sure if they have done anything too horrible that deserves not bothering with them ever again. I get why you're hurt but without knowing why they behaved like they did, it's difficult. They might have worried that their son might have seen it as 'taking sides' and ruined their relationship with him. They might have just been giving you some space and thought if you'd wanted them to look after the kids so you could have some alone time as a couple, that you'd have asked. They might have been so used to the dynamic of you organising everything and doing the inviting that they assumed you didn't want to speak to them if you weren't in contact. Or it may indeed have been a 'fuck you, we're not going to bother with you ever again if you're no longer married to our son'. It seems to me that you are sure that it's the worst option when what you've said in your post and updates, it could be any.

So I wouldn't assume the worst of them and I wouldnt 'no longer bother at all' with them. What i wouldnt do though is keep on organising stuff, inviting them to yours for Christmas without a return invite ever, and facilitating their contact with their grandkids and son. Not because of how they've acted, but because you are married to someone who should be perfectly able to do this himself. He should not be expecting you to do all the organising etc when you see them (unless for instance he works a long hours high stress job and you are a SAHP, then I'd think it's probably part of your role)

Maybe look at it like this, if there were only two spaces left on the lifeboat would you save your parents or your ILs? I imagine most people would put their parents first so isn't it logical that his parents would put him first?