Not sure if I want to bother with PIL any more.

[RightRoundLikeARecord]

About 6 months ago something it looked like DH and I would break up for no reason or fault. As soon as this happened PIL decided that since I am not blood and only water there was no need to bother with me any more. I know this because I have heard them say this about their other DC whose relationships have broken up.

At the time both my DC and I were devastated about the situation and could have done with a kind word. Nothing major, just a kind word or an offer to babysit for an hour whilst DH and I went out. Nothing, not one call or visit. In comparison my own family rallied round my DH to see if there was anything they could do to help us and him too as he was having a hard time. When my DB and SIL split my mum used to speak to her and meet up even though there was no DGC involved and was still friendly with her. They got back together and my mum and SIL have a really good relationship.

Now DH and I are in a much better place and PIL want to play happy families again. In the past I've invited them on holidays, weekends away, days out with us, organised meals and cooked endlessly. I've always hosted Christmas and never once been invited round to theirs or SILs.

They haven't spoken to me in 6 months and whilst at first I was really, really hurt I am now thinking that actually I prefer it this way. DH wants to organise something and I am avoiding it. I don't think I can be civil.

WWYD/ AIBU?

Very short sighted of them. In the event that the breakup went ahead and assuming that you got the kids (as most women do) would they have ever seen much of them again? It wouldn't have cost much to say to you at some point, "I'm sorry this is happening, let us know if we can be of help". I agree with you that after 20 years you should feel like family, albeit that their loyalty must be to their son first - that's understandable but it doesn't mean that they would have to blank you.

Now you have had a six month break that they imposed you can relax. I would be rejoicing at the freedom of it. Definitely let your OH facilitate the relationship from now on. I'd let them know why the change in dynamic if I could too, albeit that might be a bit tricky.

I don't think it's so much that they wouldn't give you a seat in the lifeboat, everyone can appreciate that they may have to favour their son in a breakup, it's more like they weren't even bothered that you might not be saved or willing to do anything within their power to help you.

Indifference is your friend OP.

I would be pleasant and pass them off, but they clearly do not care for either your children or yourself so I would leave everything up to your husband.

I would much rather know this information.

You know where you stand now and it’s all superficial. I wouldn’t be hosting them anymore (but obviously if your husband wants to host his parents he can do all the work that involves). I wouldn’t be sending cards and presents or take any part in choosing them. No big deal, I just wouldn’t bother and let their son do all that.

Well, they were a bit stupid, weren't they?

For everyone who thinks they couldn't have seen this coming, consider what happens if your best friend splits up with the boyfriend you've always secretly loathed and then gets back together with him after you've spent an enjoyable week slagging him off with her.

It becomes horribly awkward and she doesn't feel able to confide in you about any issues, now she knows how you feel. All in all, it's a general mess.

The lesson is to provide a listening ear and not to burn any bridges until you know for absolute certain she's not taking the boyfriend back.

Now here, this isn't a boyfriend, this is a daughter-in-law, mother of their grandchildren. Their son and DIL hadn't even split up yet, and they didn't try to stay neutral.

Schoolboy error.

Well, they were a bit stupid, weren't they? Depends really, I have 3 DsIL, one I'd be quite happy not to see again, not to have to be pleasant and welcoming when I know nothing is good enough, not to have all family gatherings having the edge of awkwardness because she makes everyone just a little bit uncomfortable. I'd love it if my son came with the kids and she did whatever she wanted to do. I'd love it if every family occasion didn't end up with everyone phoning to find out what she was moaning about this time and who was the chosen recipient. We all love my son too much to give way to our feelings so we all bend over backwards to try to please her for his sake, I'm getting to the stage where I think it is a waste of time.

I know the tradition on here is that the MIL is always the awkward one but if you think about it the awkward MIL was probably an awkward DIL long before she was a MIL.

It's not really about who's awkward, it's about self-interest.

The thing is, is a pleasant time for everyone seeing your son and grandchildren while an awkward DIL stays at home and does something she likes actually what will happen?

In the best friend example, what usually happens is you don't see your friend much until she dumps him for real. Is he an awkward bugger? Nah, he's much worse, but it's not in your interest to make it clear you feel that way until it's all done and dusted.

In the Son+ DIL situation it's a bit worse. You have to consider whether your son organises social occasions on his own and you have to consider which partner would get residency in the event of a split. Alienating the ex before you have any need to is a bad move.

Your parents sound lovely OP, but I think they were unusually supportive to your DH. I’ve never seem in law behaviour like that.

The PILs don’t ‘deserve’ anything from you but that actually doesn’t matter. The important things are:

• not letting it become something you and DH argue about now that you’re back in a good place.
• recognising that DH loves his parents even though they are a bit shitty, and that he doesn’t want to always see them on his own. If you’re staying married then you will need to sometimes see your in laws. Even if you loathe them. That’s just part of marriage.
• bearing in mind that it must have been tough for DH growing up with parents like that, and that he’s missed out on having lovely parents like yours. Be kind to him.
• letting your children develop their own relationship with the PILs. If the PILs aren’t very nice then perhaps it’s better that you’re around to supervise.
• not saying you have to host them for xmas but let them come round for lunch sometime and just be civil.

I wouldn’t make an effort anymore, I’d just be civil and leave it at that

I’ve never understood this old trope that a woman isn’t family because she isn’t blood related. Well your MIL isn’t blood related to her husband, so by her own definition, she isn’t family either. If having children with her husband confers a blood link for MIL, then you having children does the same. These bat shit crazies are not capable of critical thinking.

When my brother and his wife split my parents stayed in contact with his wife, she had custody of the children as he was living with my parents. The wife facilitated them being able to see their grandchildren and whilst they weren't best friends and never discussed my brother they were friendly. Even after the children were adults she continued to send birthday and Christmas cards to them and us - as we did to her. It wasn't a case of sides it was for the sake of the children!

Quite frankly if they ignored you for 6 months and weren't trying to support their grandchildren they don't really have time in their lives do they? Why bother wasting effort on them?

My parents conversed with my ex while we we in the process of breaking up. I honestly wish they’d gone no contact with him as I felt them reaching out to him was going behind my back in some way. It almost felt like they sided with him over me on some issues. I don’t know what your PILs are like generally but I wouldn’t blame them for treading carefully with regards to offering you support. I felt my ex had his own parents and friends to offer support, it wasn’t my parents place to provide it. I was probably bitter about it and still am a little if I’m honest but breakups can be messy and hurtful.

In the Son+ DIL situation it's a bit worse. You have to consider whether your son organises social occasions on his own and you have to consider which partner would get residency in the event of a split. Alienating the ex before you have any need to is a bad move,

My son does organise things and due to her career if they split he would be heavily involved with childcare and I think the children would probably be with him at least 50/50 but to be honest I have six GC, should my time with my 4 children, and my 3 other Ds/Sil and the other GC be overshadowed so I don't have quality time with them all? I see all the families individually and that is great but it would be nice to be able to have them all together without the atmosphere. Christmas was a good example, the other 3 families all left early, various excuses but it was because the atmosphere just wasn't nice. So do I risk seeing less of 2 of my GC in exchange for a much better time with the others.

I'm not gunning to cut her out but if she goes it would be a relief.

The other part of it is I have had to tell son to stop telling us what she says. I mean I know she judges us, I know we don't measure up, I know she likes playing one off against another but I don't need him contacting me to tell me what she has said was wrong with the latest meeting. I'm not sure if he does it because he wants to or if he is doing it as she wants him to tell us what we are doing wrong.

Some times I think I bite my tongue so hard I might just bite it off one day.

DH wants to organise something

Then let him

But you ...... you do NOTHING

100% are you totally being reasonable in taking a huge gargantuan step back from them.

I'd not lift so much as a finger in their direction again, and DH could arrange what he liked with them. Not a card, not a gift and certainly no to hosting Christmas again. Invite your own family if you want to share it, but make sure they know they won't be getting hosted at yours again seeing as you're not family and all.

They are very stupid, very short sighted and very very mean.

Great posts from Fizzy as per usual :)

My guess is that DH will not step up. I’d not do any more arranging or entertaining for the PIL.

Surely this must be a weight off you, to be free of it all, and plan for the holidays, days out, parties and Christmas that suit you and the DC. I think DH will just go along with what you want as it’s the easy option, but at least it will be what you want. Life's too short.

Get them a copy of this for Christmas.

Maybe look at it like this, if there were only two spaces left on the lifeboat would you save your parents or your ILs? I imagine most people would put their parents first so isn't it logical that his parents would put him first?

Of course you would, as any good parent would. But as grown ups you should consider that the op didn't cheat on her dh or beat him or abuse him, they had issues in the marriage, she's been part of the family for 20 years, some common curtesy and manners cost nothing in these situations, you can can still support your child and remain polite. They chose not to do this, so I agree with the op in that she now wants to step back.

Op as for your dh wanting to do things with them, that's absolutely fine, but you don't have to participate or facilitate this.

i'm not sure if I missed something but I thought they just didn't get in touch, I didn't see they were rude or nasty. I wouldn't be rude to one of my childrens' exs, in fact I'm not as I see my one son's ex as I do alot of childcare but to be honest the only time I see her/speak to her is if we are swapping the kids, making plans about them. I don't see that as being rude just like I don't think that it is rude that the only time she phones/pops in is if it is in connection with the children.
She is 30 years younger than me, in a new relationship so we are polite, friendly when we meet but I'm not going to pretend we are close because we aren't She was part of the family as an IL, now she isn't an IL she isn't part of the family. Obviously it can vary, my DD's husband is very much one of the family and I would imagine if they ever split we would still be in contact with him as that is the relationship we have but for all I know he feels differently and might want to just move on. Hopefully we will never find out.

I had this with mil a good few years back, Fil was great and spent a lot of time talking to dh and I trying to smooth things over. Mil just seemed to revel in having her son back. Radio silence from her.

I’d do fuck all for her from now on